fallenangels Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 It's been a struggle for me and I just need new, genuine perspective. X = the guy I met online (we never got to the bf gf thing) Ex = my actual ex I met this guy online in January 2015. He is 22, I'm 19. He had once told me he's still not over his ex he broke up with 2 years ago. We met in real life last november. I was very insecure to do it because I am insecure about my looks and I'm very shy in general. But the meeting went well, he held my hand and said nice things about me. I avoided eye contact and didn't want to be near him because I'm that shy, that made him think I didn't like him. He wanted to hug me but I didn't because I'm shy.. A few days after the meeting I kept asking about his ex and he wanted to avoid that topic. But I kept asking so he said he does miss her sometimes but not often. So I deleted him off my Skype. Then I added him back a week later. We got close again but I said we couldn't be anything more than friends because of his ex. I was hurt about that whole thing, so I contacted an ex of mine and well, turned out my ex had feelings for me. So I showed X our conversations where he says I'm beautiful, amazing etc, to make him jealous. Then I deleted him again. And came back after one week. We spoke about some things but I would only reply to him like every 10 minutes and say I'm chatting with my ex so I'm a bit busy. Then it was new year's and I wished him happy new year as a text message and he kissed another girl on new year's so I was hurt again. I deleted him again and came back after a week. He was cold, I told him I loved him and he didn't really say anything to that. And I deleted him again. But I came back after 6 weeks and he was ice cold. Now it's been a month since I came back. He is still cold occasionally (doesn't always say bye when he gets off Skype etc, doesn't answer my texts). Also, he met someone new. He thinks I am and was into my ex. Well I wasn't, I was hurt and wanted him to be jealous. Nothing will ever happen with me and X, I blew it, I know. He though said this "well I haven't forget about you, I like you but I met someone else". I'm not standing in the way of them, I want him to be happy. I'm just asking for perspective here. Am I the one who ruined it? Is his behavior reasonable? I did all the things because I was hurt and insecure but if someone did the same things for me, I don't think I'd believe that. I'm keeping distance to him now, like not getting on Skype every day but I don't want to delete him again. I just don't want to feel like he hates me. Comments are welcome. Why is he cold? Is his behavior reasonable? What do you think in general? Thanks. 1
LD1990 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 It's not like you two had a relationship to begin with, but yes, you killed whatever you did have with your constant games. The only unreasonable thing about his behavior is the fact that he still keeps in contact with you at all. You overreacted to an extreme degree when he said he still occasionally misses his ex. Any guy worth having isn't gonna put up with a girl that plays mind games like trying to make him jealous or deleting him from Skype whenever the mood strikes her. 5
Author fallenangels Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 I know. Just he said he misses her sometimes but he got really down when he told me about it and showed a writing he had made of her. And he said "you have to understand that she was important to me and I'll never forget about her". I felt like he didn't get what that felt like to me, at any point. And as soon as I was ready to get past it, he kisses someone else. I didn't handle the situation well but all of it really hurt me and still does. 1
Steven1 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 If I was to be perfectly honest I think you will it quite difficult to be with anyone who has been in a relationship if you are that insecure/over reactive to them having an ex that they miss etc. Although definitely not true for all, a lot of people miss their ex's...but that doesn't mean they have feelings for them in that way etc. And you did push him on the subject as well. Showing him conversations with your other ex, and even speaking to your other ex just to make someone jealous, was a bit over the top in my honest opinion. As for being shy, that's fine. A lot of people like that, but I think to a certain degree if you are open to dating, you can't try to 'hide' from your date by standing away from them etc, it's counter productive to what you are wanting. 2
Author fallenangels Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 He didn't see the ex thing as a big deal. He said when he goes into thinking her he misses her a lot and the times they used to have. I don't know what bothered me the most, the fact that he wasn't able to get over her and that he was unhappy or the fact I felt like some sort of replacement. I'm a very insecure person overall and it felt bad for me while I felt bad for him. I don't know if he wants me in his life at all or not. I've asked him if it bothers me that I'm in contact with him and he says no. But he is pretty brief with his answers and he says we are friends now but friends act nicer than he does. He's important to me and on some level I want to be there to know that he's okay. I don't usually start a conversation with him these days, he does occasionally but he usually sends a link to something (songs or trailers) and he says things as briefly as possible. When he used to talk so much more. I feel like he just don't want to admit that he doesn't want anything to do with me. But again, he's important and I wouldn't want to let go again.. 1
Author fallenangels Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 I feel pretty horrible, I'm trying to talk to him but no responses. :/ not sure what to do. 1
Steven1 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 I feel pretty horrible, I'm trying to talk to him but no responses. :/ not sure what to do. If anything I would look at this as a learning experience of what not to do in the future. As blunt as I may sound, I don't think he will speak to you again properly after that as it would be hard to trust you after that imho. 1
Author fallenangels Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 Well he spoke to me somewhat just now. He had been doing other stuff earlier so he didn't reply until a while ago. Anyway, he asked me what's been up and I said 'love worries', then he answered what he had been doing. Then our conversation went like this: X: well what worries do you have? Me: you know X: nothing serious? Me: yes it is X: how come? Me: you know what I'm talking about, I doubt you really want to hear X: okay I'm sure he knew I referred to him when I said love worries. I don't know, he seems so cold. it's sad. 1
lana-banana Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Just one of those games would have been enough to end a friendship (much less a relationship); after so many times, it's no wonder he isn't interested. You can't expect him to be kind to you after you were so manipulative. You might have a chance if you sincerely apologize and prove you've changed. But there's no guarantee he'll want to listen to you. 2
LD1990 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Well he spoke to me somewhat just now. He had been doing other stuff earlier so he didn't reply until a while ago. Anyway, he asked me what's been up and I said 'love worries', then he answered what he had been doing. Then our conversation went like this: X: well what worries do you have? Me: you know X: nothing serious? Me: yes it is X: how come? Me: you know what I'm talking about, I doubt you really want to hear X: okay I'm sure he knew I referred to him when I said love worries. I don't know, he seems so cold. it's sad. He seems cold?! Your responses here are about as useful as a magic 8 ball. He's taking far more of an interest in your worries than I would have after your games, and all he gets for it are these childish "you know what I'm talking about" answers to his questions.
13Hearts Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 It's been a struggle for me and I just need new, genuine perspective. X = the guy I met online (we never got to the bf gf thing) Ex = my actual ex I met this guy online in January 2015. He is 22, I'm 19. He had once told me he's still not over his ex he broke up with 2 years ago. We met in real life last november. I was very insecure to do it because I am insecure about my looks and I'm very shy in general. But the meeting went well, he held my hand and said nice things about me. I avoided eye contact and didn't want to be near him because I'm that shy, that made him think I didn't like him. He wanted to hug me but I didn't because I'm shy.. A few days after the meeting I kept asking about his ex and he wanted to avoid that topic. But I kept asking so he said he does miss her sometimes but not often. So I deleted him off my Skype. Then I added him back a week later. We got close again but I said we couldn't be anything more than friends because of his ex. I was hurt about that whole thing, so I contacted an ex of mine and well, turned out my ex had feelings for me. So I showed X our conversations where he says I'm beautiful, amazing etc, to make him jealous. Then I deleted him again. And came back after one week. We spoke about some things but I would only reply to him like every 10 minutes and say I'm chatting with my ex so I'm a bit busy. Then it was new year's and I wished him happy new year as a text message and he kissed another girl on new year's so I was hurt again. I deleted him again and came back after a week. He was cold, I told him I loved him and he didn't really say anything to that. And I deleted him again. But I came back after 6 weeks and he was ice cold. Now it's been a month since I came back. He is still cold occasionally (doesn't always say bye when he gets off Skype etc, doesn't answer my texts). Also, he met someone new. He thinks I am and was into my ex. Well I wasn't, I was hurt and wanted him to be jealous. Nothing will ever happen with me and X, I blew it, I know. He though said this "well I haven't forget about you, I like you but I met someone else". I'm not standing in the way of them, I want him to be happy. I'm just asking for perspective here. Am I the one who ruined it? Is his behavior reasonable? I did all the things because I was hurt and insecure but if someone did the same things for me, I don't think I'd believe that. I'm keeping distance to him now, like not getting on Skype every day but I don't want to delete him again. I just don't want to feel like he hates me. Comments are welcome. Why is he cold? Is his behavior reasonable? What do you think in general? Thanks. Yes, he's being reasonable. Time to let this one go and move on. You are very young and you need more experience dealing with other people. You need to accomplish some things in life so that you stop being insecure and having low self-esteem. Relationships with guys are going to be nothing but difficult until you do. You shouldn't play games with people like you did with this guy, trying to make him jealous, deleting him and going back over and over, and expecting him to he some kind of mind-reading psychotherapeutic wizard. Time for you to take responsibility for your feelings. Try counseling; it will help you. (((hugs)))
Author fallenangels Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 I have sincerely apologized. I told him too that I won't delete him anymore unless he wants me to. I hope he'll be able to trust me again. The thing with the conversation was that if I had said I'm sad about him, he would have said "yup yup", that's what he's been saying if I tell him any of my feelings these days. That's why I don't know why he'd ask anyway. And I seem kind of rude in that bit of the convo to an outsider but I wasn't. He really wouldn't have said anything other than "yup yup" or ":/" if I had told him. Been there so many times. I know I'm not good with dealing other people and I don't have a lot of friends etc. But I'm actually seeing a therapist, we haven't spoken about this yet though because I don't feel ready.
Author fallenangels Posted April 7, 2016 Author Posted April 7, 2016 I've been taking distance still, only getting on Skype 1-2 nights a week. He started talking to me and this is a bit of our conversation: Me: and you could take that crush of yours on a date? X: I guess not xD Me: how come? X: ? Me: why won't you take her on a date? X: she lives so far Me: where does she live? X: in *our country* (he doesn't want to tell me which for part some reason) Me: okay then X: yeah X: will you take? Me: your crush on a date? hmm, doesn't sound like my job X: no, yours Me: he wouldn't go X: oh :S Me: no can do X: you need to have a crush on someone better Me: there's none as lovely as he is X: X: why? Me: because only one like him exists? X: why's that so? X: oh you seem busy Then he said he was going to bed and I wished him good night. It took me 3-5 minutes to reply because I was browsing. I asked about his crush first and his questions are strange because he knows I have a crush on him. So it's a bit pointless. All of this hurts again. I don't want to get my hopes up and then fall hard.
Author fallenangels Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 What does anyone else think? Am I just reading too much into what he's saying?
stillafool Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Why are you still contacting this guy when he's told you he is seeing another girl? He isn't available to date you anyway. Yes you play too many childish games and any mature man will consider this a turn off. I would forego dating for a while if I were you and perhaps seek some type of therapy for your insecurity issues. Until you get your insecurity under control you are going to have a hard time dating anyone.
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