Author Eyebrows Posted April 17, 2016 Author Posted April 17, 2016 At the very latest she will be leaving at the end of September. Her contract runs out then and they aren't being renewed. I'm permanent staff so I'll be staying on.
Author Eyebrows Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 (edited) . Your healing can't be contingent on what she does, because what if she doesn't leave? Are you gonna spend years feeling terrible? Make your healing a priority, don't let it hinge on her actions. Your healing can't be contingent on what she does, because what if she doesn't leave? Contracts got extended at work and she's going to be there another two years at least. Can someone remind me again how much I dodged a bullet? Because I still see her and she's like Miss Popular all of a sudden. Still feel like she was only attracted to me because she didn't have anyone in her life at the time. But she's still laughing, still chatting. If she'd been that way with me I'd have responded in turn, I'd have brought out the fun side of me but she was so over-emotional all the time it was hard. I was so worried about her after the trip that I just got so burnt out. I went OTT with the compliments, I feel like I became too sappy and too much of a 'nice guy' without challenging her but it was so hard to know what to do after she had said she'd ruined the relationship and asked what the point of her was. I was trying to show her I still valued her because she used to say she was worried about messing up so much. I've never really had anyone think I was sexy before, or see me as that strong man before, as that rock. I feel like I did all I could to ruin that image of myself. When I opened up about the introversion I wrote a stupid little poem thing to try to explain and I read it back recently and cringed. It had things about sometimes I feel overwhelmed going outside, sometimes I'm quiet because I can't think of things to say. Like really - why on earth would a girl want to date someone like that? She told me she put on an act of being happy at times. I was trying to show her that sometimes I did as well, that I can be introverted at times but I can push past it. What's more annoying is...that isn't me at all. It used to be me years and years ago. I made so many steps to get past it and because the experience on the farm set me back so much and sapped my confidence I felt like I'd regressed back into the boy I was when I went to university. I worked so hard to become the man she fell for and it was like she took all the confidence out of me. I opened up about so many insecurities when I got back...'I felt a bit lonely before I met you', 'I want to expand my social circle, I sometimes find it hard meeting people because I'm shy', 'I'm so grateful to have you in my life baby, thanks for being there when I'm not myself' to which she replied 'I always want to be there for you' two weeks before the break-up. You know what else I said? That I felt like I was boring her. What a stupid thing to say. I felt boring after the trip because I had spent 10 days with her and she barely smiled once the whole time and taking her abroad was the most exciting thing I knew how to do. Because I had nothing in my life after the trip and realised I was going to have to start working on a life at home instead of relying on travelling which was my one big passion. Instead of keeping it to myself and actively working on having fun I opened up to her. I feel like I made the relationship not fun to be in anymore. But she never gave me a chance. She wasn't fun abroad, she couldn't expect me to bounce back from giving up my one true passion, something I'd planned for a year, in such a short space of time. ...loads of stuff like that. Insecurities that were only there because of the trip and because I was struggling to deal with having to give up the travel if I wanted a future with her. When I met her I didn't have any of those insecurities but my confidence was sapped when she cried in Prague. She just never thought how that made me feel as a partner. And I thought she had depression. I felt like she opened up about all those vulnerabilities and cried over small things and I was trying to show her it was OK to do so by responding in turn. I lost my assertiveness, didn't challenge her, felt like I was on eggshells all the time because I felt that she needed the sensitive side of me after crying her eyes out for 10 days. Maybe I just bored her by being a doormat. Now I feel I got a false impression of her, that she isn't this shy, quiet, emotional, vulnerable girl she made herself out to be with me. That I was just a dumping ground for her emotions to make her feel better and because she was missing attention. Every time she would put herself down, call herself insignificant, cry over a Sad Kermit video, it wore me down and wore me down because I worried about her more and more. I didn't have the energy in the end, I just couldn't bring myself to be chatty and fun like I had been at the beginning, I was emotionally exhausted after 10 days looking after her in Europe. So maybe I didn't dodge a bullet at all. Maybe I just pushed her away by being stupid and naively thinking 'Nothing's going to scare me away' meant I could literally say anything. It's been 6 months. I'm not over it at all. Because the more I think about it, the more I think I just pushed her away and pushed away, becoming this cloying, clingy guy. I feel like I became clingy because when I didn't reply after 15 mins she got upset. I felt like I became smothering by heaping praise on her, putting her on a pedestal when really I saw her flaws but accepted them. I just didn't know how to make her feel good about herself after we got back, it was hard to know how to handle. Sorry for the self-pity wallowing. It's just...I felt like I changed as a man and as a boyfriend as a result of the trip, and she ended up dumping me for seeing unattractive qualities that were a direct reaction to her emotional state. She asked to come with me, asked to go home. I didn't force her to go. I was also going through issues with my father's depression over Christmas time which didn't help. I mean this girl...I know she might be crazy for asking about marriage and sending baby clothes pictures after a month. I had a girl I was sort of with go through an abortion without telling me (not getting into a debate on that here). It put me off relationships for years though. I told my recent ex this the first night we were together after we'd had sex. Since we were friends before I wanted to make it known to her that I wouldn't be getting into something if I wasn't serious about it. I think she genuinely forgot, because when we were discussing not using condoms and her going on the pill she asked me if I'd ever had sex without a condom before. Two week after I tell her about that she's taking me around the shops pointing out baby clothes pictures. And she sees nothing wrong with doing that to someone who felt they lost out on the chance of fatherhood years ago. I know I probably did a lot of things and said a lot of things to mess up. It was naive on my part. So despite message forums saying she might have BPD/HPD or narcissistic traits, it helps but it's unfair to label someone and I'm just looking for a justification when I feel like the real issue is just that I wasn't the man she imagined me to be in her head flying out to Prague. I genuinely thought she loved me unconditionally. But if someone can help me identify those red flags again it might help me. Edited July 24, 2016 by Eyebrows
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