Feel Used

[Eyebrows]

When I met my now ex she was in a relationship with a guy who wasn't giving her any affection, she never saw her Dad because of his shift patterns (me and her work evenings) and her mum was in Cyprus. She didn't seem to have any local friend, just two sisters and one old school friend. She seemed lonely.

 

When me and her got together (and we were only together 4-5 months in the end) she was very intense and after three weeks asked how I'd propose and send me pictures of baby clothes. We didn't see each other for 7 weeks and she was very clingy with her messages in that time. She wasn't doing anything with her life, wasn't really seeing any friends. She said I was her soulmate and her whole world, her prince. She came to meet me abroad and we were meant to travel but she cried 2 hours after arriving because she was homesick. We cut the trip short.

 

It was a trip I'd planned and saved for, for a whole year, since before I met her. When we were out there I cried with her when she was upset, because she was putting herself down so much, I cooked for her, looked after her while she sat with a miserable face on.

 

It was never the same after that. I felt it put a toll on the relationship and it just didn't feel fun anymore. I opened up about some insecurities because I listened to her talk about hers for two months and always putting herself down. Specifically the fact that I'm an introvert and can be quiet. Before the trip she said 'you can say anything to me, nothing's going to scare me away. I don't care if you're quiet because I'll still be with my man'.

 

She broke up with me two months after the trip (after meeting my parents three weeks before!). I guess it just wasn't fun or exciting to her anymore. I pushed her away more after the break-up with the rookie mistake of trying to get some sort of answer. She just said she didn't feel the same way as she did at the beginning. That she knows she's 'never going to feel the same way about me'. She used to call me her soulmate every single night, talked about marrying me and having kids...

 

We work in the same place and now she's moved teams she's got loads of new friends there, seems happy as Larry, is going on team nights out. Which she didn't have before.

 

She's just out there having the fun that she seemed to not be able to find with me. I tried to take her to Europe and show her a good time but she cried and just didn't participate and after that it was so hard for me to step outside myself.

 

I feel like the most unfun, boring person in the world right now. I don't think she'd ever want a friendship because she doesn't need me anymore (not that I would either). She has her friends, she has fun with them. It hurts because of the fun me and her used to have before that trip.

 

When I met her it felt like she really needed somebody in her life and now she doesn't need me at all because she's filled that hole with other people. It hurts like hell.

 

RE the introversion - I thought she'd understand because she said if I met her at school she'd never have noticed her because she was so shy, that she would have been insignificant. I said I'd have showed her the patience to get to know her. But she wouldn't do the same for me. I just feel really boring. Like she's finally realised that a man can like her (she's never had it before her ex) and that people like her, she's chatty and popular. And I feel like I've regressed to the kid I was in high school, just withdrawn and quiet. And I was doing so much better on that front before I met her.

Edited April 2, 2016 by Eyebrows

[LD1990]

You're down because she dumped you, which is natural. If you want to be more social, you pretty much just have to get out there and do it. Force yourself to try new things, go out, call up any friends you have, step outside of your comfort zone.

 

It's good that things ended with you and her, as this would not have been a happy relationship. You were essentially dating a child in the body of an adult. Asking you how you'd propose and sending you pictures of baby clothes? A grown woman crying because she's homesick while on a vacation? Those are signs that something ain't right. Still think the problem in her last relationship was that her ex wasn't affectionate enough?

[Tressugar]

She seems unbalanced. Good thing she moved on. This emotional neediness would have worn you down. .

[mightycpa]

You're down because she dumped you, which is natural. If you want to be more social, you pretty much just have to get out there and do it. Force yourself to try new things, go out, call up any friends you have, step outside of your comfort zone.

 

It's good that things ended with you and her, as this would not have been a happy relationship. You were essentially dating a child in the body of an adult. Asking you how you'd propose and sending you pictures of baby clothes? A grown woman crying because she's homesick while on a vacation? Those are signs that something ain't right. Still think the problem in her last relationship was that her ex wasn't affectionate enough?

 

Wait! What about the fact she had no friends? Doesn't that factor in somehow?

[Eyebrows]

In her mind I think she thought he wasn't showing affection. But for her that could be that he just didn't reply to her messages right away. She got upset with me for seeing her message and not replying after 15 mins once.

 

She had friends at uni and seems to be making more now, I think it's because she was shy at school so she never built a social life at home. Seems to be doing ok now though!

 

Yeah she never had control over her emotions. When things were good she would say she hadn't felt so deeply and it overwhelmed her at times, she was terrified of messing things up and losing me. Which baffles me even more when she says the feelings and attraction aren't there anymore.

[d0nnivain]

Somehow you have to hit delete in your brain when it comes to her. She was (& is) very unstable. You are making excuses about her -- trying to blame some of what happened on the fact that she doesn't see her father. Fact it, she just wasn't a good GF. On some levels, especially about the trip, she did use you. The small silver lining is this relationship was mercifully brief. You saw the instability. She would not have made a good long term partner.

 

 

You being an introvert is not a liability. Keep your own counsel. Don't worry about her.

 

 

A better GF will come along. Be happy she's on another shift.

[Captivating]

Eyebrows,

 

She seems to be immature personally and emotionally. This is something that she needs to work on, on her own. She cannot leech on you selfishly needing full attention. You also have a life to live that she supposed to be respectful of and SUPPORT. It only works between people, if two lives complement each other. I agree with LD1990 above completely.

Also, she shows some narcissistic characteristics. Love bombing you intensely first then she drops you when you are not useful for her ego rubbing anymore

She has a hard life ahead of her, if I have to guess.

She was putting herself down and you were building her up, trying to comfort her, right? She gobbled that all up

These personality flaws are there for her to work on! NOT YOU!

Everyone is depressed at times and there is full depression. You can be supportive and should be with your girlfriend, but she was very selfish, didn't seem to consider you much and that is a problem !!!

 

Relationships are a two-way street! Everyone involved should give and receive.

What did she DO for you ???? She was all talk, wasn't she?

Actions speak louder than words. It is true.

I think it is a blessing that she ended things, it would have been much harder for you to break up with her, trust me. It's on her!

 

Be somewhat picky selecting a girlfriend. She at least needs to be kind, considerate, caring and thoughtful. Smart, funny, energetic and beautiful is a plus.

When you find this girl, you will think of the ex: "What was I thinking...!? " You will see.

 

You shouldn't feel any regret. Be proud of yourself because you sound like you have it together, have a strong moral compass and conscience. Not everyone does!

 

Focus on your friends and family! Have an open mind and start dating again when you are ready. Don't contact her, let her be.

Take the high road and always have dignity!

You are a cool guy! Keep us in the loop, we are here to listen.

It will get better, don't worry. It takes time to get rid of the withdrawal.

Take care!

[Eyebrows]

Thanks Captivating, that's a sweet post.

 

She was a terrible girlfriend. She didn't actually do anything substantial for me at all. She said a lot of sweet things but they just seem empty given how things are now. Yet, I still miss her.

 

If she thought I was too withdrawn or saw a lack of confidence in me on that trip or after I thought she'd understand how emotionally draining and difficult it was to have your girlfriend crying like that. But I let her use my phone to ring her parents, sat for 30 mins in a museum so she could use the wifi to email home, took such good care of her. She must have thought to herself, well this is obviously taking a toll on him, he bases his entire life around travel so he must be disappointed. If things weren't fun or exciting, it was because of how she was over there. How do you keep the spark going when someone acts like that? I tried my best. She said I was too good to her, anyone else would have just told her to leave.

 

At the beginning of the relationship she used to say 'it's not you and me anymore, it's us' and 'we're like one person now'. Not a healthy way to look at relationships.

[The_Dork_Lard]

I'm a fellow introvert, deeply so.

 

It hurts when you approach life with a certain seriousness, when you think deeply about the world, your place in it, and how you may affect others. It hurts when you allow yourself to feel deeply, and allow yourself to be affected by things. It hurts when you approach relationships with compassion. It hurts in a special way when virtually everybody else around you doesn't approach life in the same way, and instead emphasise the frivolous and superficial experience of 'fun'. There's not much worse than selfies of people pulling fake smiles, stupid faces, and poking their tongues out, is there? It's grating. It's a shallow and lacking culture we live in, it really is.

 

I'm not saying fun doesn't have its place, because it does, and it's lifting. But it's sad when people only want to have fun. It's as if they're hiding from something deeper. I think this makes them the most boring and uninteresting people in the world. I've lost count of the number of deep conversations I've tried to have, only to be met with an incapacity and unwillingness to do so. But they'll always buy me another drink and try to keep discussing the same trivial frustrations within their office, as if they matter the most in their world. The same frustrations they were having 20 years ago at another company - expecting a perfect world to be possible and waiting somewhere for them, whatever that is. Do they never realise it's possibly their mindset and approach that needs to change?

 

I'm gonna tell you a little story.

 

My ex, she was a few years older than me (she's 40 now) and had the highest sex drive I've ever known. Unlike her, I happen to work for a living. The combination of my lowered testosterone, working long weeks, and a general priority towards making good money as opposed to putting my penis in everything that moves at all times meant my sex drive was significantly lower than hers. She seemed to focus only on 'having fun', and as a result our relationship ended because one too many times I'd shown disinterest in sex (but not in anything else).

 

We had sex, and at times the quality was tenfold anything I'd ever experienced before. It was beyond sublime and I learnt a LOT from my years with her. But the quantity was not satisfactory for her. She used to tell me that if I loved her, I should have sex even when I don't want to. Can you imagine being told that? Can you imagine a man saying that to a woman? Can you imagine forcing yourself to have sex when your drive is zero? I think that contributed towards it sometimes being zero! - the expectation to perform, and all that. She once even told me I was abusive because I wouldn't have sex with her. I did have sex with her, often, but her nymphomania was never satisfied. I mean nymphomania too: I'd give her literally 40 gushing orgasms in one night sometimes. I could not wear this woman out, and in light of this I think I often did very well. But she disagreed, because everything was about her, her needs, and her fun. In 6 1/2 years, she never once sincerely congratulated me for my achievements, never once supported me in my ambitions, and never once made me feel spiritually nurtured or fulfilled.

 

Anyway, like you, I'd saved hard for a trip, although it was for her 40th birthday. Unfortunately my sex drive was low because I'd been working 60 hours weeks on nightshift for over 2 months to pay for her birthday. The day we arrived back, I received a barrage of angry texts telling me it was over. They were seemingly out of the blue, expressing bottled up resentment. I looked at a couple of her online profiles that night and saw she was explicitly looking for sex with strangers, and over the following months she was finding them. As you said "she's just out there having the fun that she seemed to not be able to find with me". I stopped looking after a few months, and that's helped me enormously. So there's a lesson for you, if it applies to you.

 

It hurt like hell, and put me into a depression whereby I felt like the most boring and uninteresting person in the world, all because my sex drive is lower than hers. It's not actually low per se, but in comparison with hers she makes me look like a celibate priest.

 

Anyway, the reason I'm telling you my story is so you can make your judgements about it, and hope it may give you some perspective on your own situation. How did you feel reading my story? What do you make of it? Whatever your answer, go back and read yours, and hopefully try to see it objectively, for what it is, as if it's somebody else's story. The "sitting there with her miserable face on" part made me smile. Yeah... I know that one, as do 99.9% of men.

 

Know you're not boring. I bet you're a deep man, and I bet you would hold interesting conversations in a quiet corner of the pub. I'm not boring, you're not boring. They are in their own self-centred way.

 

I hope you find peace soon.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to understand that your introversion isn't the reason why this relationship didn't work. Not by a long shot.

 

She is emotionally unstable. Sending you pictures of baby clothes and asking how you'll propose after just a couple of weeks is a giant red flag that you chose to overlook, for some reason. That was a clue right there that she isn't mentally healthy. No amount of care or attention from you can fix that. Hence why cooking for her and taking her on holiday didn't improve anything. You can't begin to solve those underlying emotional problems she has.

 

She's on a high right now but I can almost 100% guarantee it won't last. Believe me when I say that she's not suddenly snapped out of it. Unless she seeks help. she will very likely crash again. So don't put too much stock into the carefree social butterfly-side you're seeing. There's much more going on under the surface, and you know it.

 

the next time someone exhibits odd behaviour so early in the relationship, you stay away unless and until they get help and demonstrate measurable change. You don't move toward them.

[Eyebrows]

Anyway, the reason I'm telling you my story is so you can make your judgements about it, and hope it may give you some perspective on your own situation. How did you feel reading my story? What do you make of it? Whatever your answer, go back and read yours, and hopefully try to see it objectively, for what it is, as if it's somebody else's story. The "sitting there with her miserable face on" part made me smile. Yeah... I know that one, as do 99.9% of men.

 

Know you're not boring. I bet you're a deep man, and I bet you would hold interesting conversations in a quiet corner of the pub. I'm not boring, you're not boring. They are in their own self-centred way.

 

I hope you find peace soon.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. There definitely needs to be a balance between fun and an ability to think about the important things too.

 

Me and her did have a lot of fun when we used to sit next to each other at work. We were always laughing and kidding about. And when it didn't feel like that anymore I think she thought "it shouldn't like this, it isn't how it was". But again, I just found it so difficult to be that guy again after the trip. If she'd talked about it and we'd had a real conversation about it maybe we could have sorted it out, but she just wouldn't.

 

She isn't with anybody else at the moment so it's not like she's looking for that type of fun. And asides from her ex who she dated for 4 months she's never had anyone interested in a relationship before me. I gave her her first orgasm, she sexted with me for the first time, we did lots in the bedroom she'd never done. Never stayed over at a guys house before. And she had to lie to her mum about being in a sexual relationship, so it's not like she's going out and sleeping with loads of people.

 

But I just felt when I was with her after the trip that I was boring her. I sensed things had changed almost immediately when we got back. She didn't want to stay over. When we were away the pill killed her libido. First time she'd taken it without a break and she didn't react well. We talked about all the ways we'd have sex before she flew out and then a combination of the pill and her being emotional meant it didn't happen like that. So it went from explicit messages and being all over each other to not even sexting in the 10 days of that trip.

 

It feels like she built up in her mind what the trip would be like and (again because of her being homesick) it didn't live up to expectations that ended up bleeding through to the relationship.

 

I was speaking to her once when we came back on the phone and I'd been having a bad day so I'd said I wasn't feeling too happy, I always feel like that when I've been away for a while and come home, that I worried one day she'd go to Cyprus and leave me behind.

 

She was crying and saying "it shouldn't be like this". And while I understand that it is kinda heavy stuff I had just gone through her being how she was abroad and for the first two months of the relationship had to deal with HER being all upset and worried over things, saying she's scared of losing me and she worries how her getting another job would affect us. It felt like one rule for her, another for me. I was opening up because I assumed that the support would be reciprocated.

[ExpatInItaly]

She isn't able to reciprocate in the way you want. It's not a reflection on you, hard as that is to believe. She isn't in a healthy place, and cannot have a healthy relationship. Period.

 

An ex-boyfriend of mine has severe emotional issues, so I know how hard it is not to take such behaviour personally. It was absolutely crushing for me to feel like I wasn't enough and I was in awful emotional distress as a result. But after spending time away from him, I finally understood that I couldn't have changed a darn thing if he was unwilling to really acknowledge his diagnosis and seek help. (For clarification, he had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but refuses to this day to avail himself of treatment. I'm not suggesting your ex is BPD)

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is some self-esteem boosting exercises, reminding yourself why you are a great catch and that you deserve more. It's cliche but very true. Take care of yourself.

[Eyebrows]

OP, you need to understand that your introversion isn't the reason why this relationship didn't work. Not by a long shot.

 

She is emotionally unstable. Sending you pictures of baby clothes and asking how you'll propose after just a couple of weeks is a giant red flag that you chose to overlook, for some reason. That was a clue right there that she isn't mentally healthy. No amount of care or attention from you can fix that. Hence why cooking for her and taking her on holiday didn't improve anything. You can't begin to solve those underlying emotional problems she has.

 

She's on a high right now but I can almost 100% guarantee it won't last. Believe me when I say that she's not suddenly snapped out of it. Unless she seeks help. she will very likely crash again. So don't put too much stock into the carefree social butterfly-side you're seeing. There's much more going on under the surface, and you know it.

 

the next time someone exhibits odd behaviour so early in the relationship, you stay away unless and until they get help and demonstrate measurable change. You don't move toward them.

 

I can't help but blame myself.

 

Things seemed OK for a bit when we first got back. But I think I said some things to her that thinking back just made me like a total wuss. I'd said that I'd felt lonely before meeting her, and I couldnt imagine spending so long with other people. I was trying to make her feel valued after her first boyfriend. I actually even said to her once via text 'I feel like I'm boring you'. Insecure, unconfident things to say and I KNOW it's a turn-off , but again, I'd listened to her call herself insignificant back in school and say 'what is the point of me' when she was crying on the trip. Since she'd told me nothing was going to scare her away I felt like it would be OK to say those sort of things. I'd been there for her from the very beginning.

 

But again, I was dealing with the fallout from the trip. I thought she'd understood why I might be feeling that way when I'd spent 7 weeks listening to her say how excited she was for it, done all the planning for it, waited three weeks in a hotel waiting for her to fly out there.

 

She didn't want to stay round anymore because she felt unsexy after the pill issues. Either that or she just didn't want to sleep with me anymore, I think the first turned into the second at some point. I wanted to just spend a night with her, we didn't have to have sex. I texted:

 

"I guess that, while I understand you don't want to have sex right now, I don't see why you can't come round and watch a movie"

 

And she said "You guess? I thought you understood" I said I did understand, I hadn't worded it the best way and she said "no, you didn't, I was so shocked because I thought you understood. I thought we had a lovely night (she had met my parents that night) but apparently not".

 

I understand that sexual attraction can fade. But for it to go almost instantly from pre-trip to post-trip, from explicit sexting and the first night in Prague, before she cried, when she was still really into it, to not wanting to come round at all.

 

And there were other times I didn't handle things differently. I was trying to book a hotel for NYE, found one, she was like 'I'm not sure, it's expensive'. She didn't want to stay over but she hadn't told me at this point. I said 'if we don't get something sorted we won't have anywhere, it feels like I'm making all the effort' and she's like 'just book it'.

 

She seemed so ungrateful that I'd just sacrificed my trip for her not a month earlier.

 

I know that she was turned on by me in the beginning, and she claims she loved me. To have that with somebody that is willing to sacrifice for you...she said when we broke up 'you've given me everything and all I've done is take' and 'how can one person be so good'. Id have thought she'd have wanted to be with me even more after saying those things.

[Eyebrows]

The same girl who not long before, when the wifi had cut out in my room, the next day she was saying 'oh haha, that's why, I got a little upset, missed talking to my man'.

 

So in the six months I knew her it was two months of her flirting with me when she was unavailable and keeping all the post it notes I wrote (found that out later), then she says she likes me, asks how I'll propose, sends baby clothes, says I'm her prince, her world, her soulmate, she don't wait to grow old with me, only I make her feel like a woman, is excited for the trip, cries on the trip, come home and she doesn't want to stay over, then dumps me.

[ExpatInItaly]

The same girl who not long before, when the wifi had cut out in my room, the next day she was saying 'oh haha, that's why, I got a little upset, missed talking to my man'.

 

So in the six months I knew her it was two months of her flirting with me when she was unavailable and keeping all the post it notes I wrote (found that out later), then she says she likes me, asks how I'll propose, sends baby clothes, says I'm her prince, her world, her soulmate, she don't wait to grow old with me, only I make her feel like a woman, is excited for the trip, cries on the trip, come home and she doesn't want to stay over, then dumps me.

 

This is how emotionally unstable people behave.

 

They're all over the place and seem to change at the drop of a hat. Nothing you do can fix it because you didn't cause it.

 

She isn't a well person right now.

[Eyebrows]

It is so hard for me to see that. I just see a girl meeting a bunch of new friends. Don't get me wrong, I don't want her to be lonely. But she's got other people now and just doesn't miss me at all. And they all love her too. Whereas before she would hang out with only two or three.

 

ive always struggled with my own self doubt and shyness. I was doing better until this happened. No matter how many people I hit it off with it's still always there. So right now I'm just comparing myself to the people she's hanging out with now.

 

She doesn't have that hole in her life which she seemed to desperately need to be filled by me.

[ExpatInItaly]

It is so hard for me to see that. I just see a girl meeting a bunch of new friends. Don't get me wrong, I don't want her to be lonely. But she's got other people now and just doesn't miss me at all. And they all love her too. Whereas before she would hang out with only two or three.

 

ive always struggled with my own self doubt and shyness. I was doing better until this happened. No matter how many people I hit it off with it's still always there. So right now I'm just comparing myself to the people she's hanging out with now.

 

She doesn't have that hole in her life which she seemed to desperately need to be filled by me.

 

This line of thought is at the core of a dysfunctional relationship.

 

Your role as a partner shouldn't be to fill someone's emotional holes. That is an impossible task and only sets you up for heartache. If someone is that unhappy with themselves (as I suspect she is) they simply cannot be happy in a relationship. They're trying to fix internal problems with external remedies. It doesn't solve the underlying issues. And this is the result.

 

We all have difficult periods in our lives, of course. And our partners can be great sources of comfort and support. This isn't the same thing as attempting to solve deeper emotional problems, though. Just as you wouldn't be able to cure her of something like asthma or diabetes, for example, you also cannot cure her of whatever imbalances she suffers from.

 

You need to put your energy into building up your own self-image and self-respect. This will allow you to draw and enforce better boundaries, which in turn will keep you safe from unhealthy relationships.

[keiji]

This line of thought is at the core of a dysfunctional relationship.

 

Your role as a partner shouldn't be to fill someone's emotional holes. That is an impossible task and only sets you up for heartache. If someone is that unhappy with themselves (as I suspect she is) they simply cannot be happy in a relationship. They're trying to fix internal problems with external remedies. It doesn't solve the underlying issues. And this is the result.

 

We all have difficult periods in our lives, of course. And our partners can be great sources of comfort and support. This isn't the same thing as attempting to solve deeper emotional problems, though. Just as you wouldn't be able to cure her of something like asthma or diabetes, for example, you also cannot cure her of whatever imbalances she suffers from.

 

You need to put your energy into building up your own self-image and self-respect. This will allow you to draw and enforce better boundaries, which in turn will keep you safe from unhealthy relationships.

 

Totally agreed. You were in a very fragile position (I know because I've been there too). People who are trying to compensate for their own needs through their partner will invariably feel unsatisfied and they'll eventually disappear, usually having found your replacement before doing so.

[Eyebrows]

Oh, dating her was a complete stress! That's why I don't know why it bothers me so much.

 

I think about some of the things she said:

 

1. When she was going to a party with her friend I asked if she was alright going if she didn't know the others she said, "Yes, they're (friend's name) friends, some of them love me actually."

 

2. Before we were dating I was telling her about something and said that most people wouldn't be interested, she would say "I'm not most people."

 

3. Again, before we were dating we were talking about something and she said "I am weird, so it's no problem to be judged as weird."

 

Are the above move evidence of something going on beneath the service? Like she's trying to convince herself of her worth. The first one in particular sticks out.

 

Even when we got back from the trip she would get upset over tiny things. I was about to meet up with her and she text to say she wasn't happy. I said why thinking it was something serious, she said she'd tell me when she got there and all it was was a parcel hadn't come in time for her to give it to me.

 

Very early on in the relationship, she felt like she was getting her stats monitored at work. I told her not to worry about it and she would say "I don't like being watched."

 

She had problems with her old manager at work, whenever we would pass him she would hide behind me like a child. Also whenever we passed a homeless person abroad, she would make an effort to grab my hand tight and hide behind me.

 

And another old manager of hers who is now one of my superiors has said that she complained a lot about things when she started, and that she said something weird on the first day (she wouldn't say what) that made her think there was a lot of attention-seeking behaviour there.

 

There were a lot of things that upset her all of the time which I never saw when we were just friends. So does she just hide that part from people? Do you think it is there all the time and a relationship simply brings it out of her?

 

But yeah, we had a month at the start where things seemed rosy and I got swept up in the intensity without seeing the red flags. Then it was dealing with all her insecurities and putting herself down and crying over not knowing my middle name, wanting to save all her clothes so I saw her in them first, wearing yellow nail varnish and yellow clothes because I once said I liked her in them and she wanted to please me by wearing yellow (?), then her crying on the trip, then growing distant when we got back and dumping me because she said she doesn't feel the attraction.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, this girl has emotional and developmental issues that go way beyond the things you witnessed. She comes across as very child-like. Someone who displays such odd and juvenile behaviour isn't capable of having a "normal", healthy adult relationship - she simply can't relate to you as someone her age should. Emotionally, she's much younger than her biological age.

 

I would keep my distance. Or you could find yourself described as one of those "psycho" exes too.

[Eyebrows]

I've been seeing a counsellor to try and help build myself up again. She says that because someone brought out that confident and playful side to me, that it is in there somewhere, so we're just trying to find a way to get me to open that side up by myself.

 

I asked her today about the girl, what her opinions were. She said it's hard not having met her but from what I've said it's much like everyone here has said. That she didn't want to put a label of a personality disorder on it but that she exhibits all the signs of the type of person who has a LOT of problems later on in life.

 

That's from a professional.

 

So it makes me feel better when you guys and her are all saying the same thing.

 

She's applied for an internship in London apparently. Sooner she goes the better. She said before we were together she would love to live there one day. I assume the family will be going or she knows somebody there because I can not see her surviving down there alone considering she couldn't be away from them for 2 hours. But I suspect she has a fantasy about how life down there will be too.

[Eyebrows]

I've heard through the grapevine at work she's applied for an internship in London.

 

I don't get it. She couldn't be away from her parents on holiday with me for 2 hours without crying but now she's planning to move to London. Unless it's a short-term internship I just can't see it.

 

She was deputising as a manager last week and apparently was doing really well in the meetings, delivering feedback to her team and looking really confident.

 

Doesn't gel with what I saw from the girl at all. When we came back to work she was hiding behind me when we passed a manager who she doesn't get on with...now she's leading team meetings?

 

I don't think I knew the girl at all...it's like she's blossomed after doing what she's done to me. I'd like to think the two are independent of each other, but I don't know. Maybe she's just feeding off the attention of it all.

 

I've since heard that her ex had said that he thought she only stayed with him to get a lift into work.

 

I just want her to go.

[LD1990]

People often show a very different side of themselves in a relationship than they do outside of it. Even people with strong symptoms of personality disorders (borderline personality disorder, narcissism, etc., I'm not saying those apply to your ex just using them as an example) can seem like the most charming, fun to be around people to friends and colleagues. I've known multiple people with serious emotional issues who, to most people, seem very cool and fun to be around. It's only when you really get to know them that you realize, OK, something's not quite right here.

 

As hard as it may be, you have to try to stop focusing on her and what she does. It's irrelevant to you now. Who cares if she goes to London, who cares if it's a stupid idea. Not your concern.

[Eyebrows]

I know...I feel like I can't truly heal until she's left work.

 

I was thinking back the other day. When she asked how I was going to propose to her...it wasn't even three weeks. It was TEN DAYS!

 

Why didn't I run a mile?

[LD1990]

I know...I feel like I can't truly heal until she's left work.

 

I was thinking back the other day. When she asked how I was going to propose to her...it wasn't even three weeks. It was TEN DAYS!

 

Why didn't I run a mile?

 

You didn't run a mile because you were swept up in emotion. Most if not all of us have been there. Someone treats you as if you're their partner in a fairy tale romance, acts like you're the greatest most special person in their life, that's a pretty nice feeling. If you haven't had that before or haven't had much relationship experience, you're especially vulnerable. Now that you've experienced this, you'll probably be much better at spotting these red flags. I've been there, it was painful at the end, but I at least realize now that I'm a much wiser man for going through it all.

 

You should really figure something out with your work so you don't have to see her anymore, or at least where you can minimize contact. Change shifts, look for a better job, I don't know your situation but anything you can do so you don't have to see her. Your healing can't be contingent on what she does, because what if she doesn't leave? Are you gonna spend years feeling terrible? Make your healing a priority, don't let it hinge on her actions.