Hopelessromantic04 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 My situation is kind of unique in the sense that this was a weird break up that was technically supposed to only be a break. Towards the very end of our relationship, literally up until the last week things were mostly fine until the last few days really blindsided me. Back story: we were in one of those stupid unofficial yet exclusive relationships. We didn't have a title on it, but we agreed not to date or sleep with anyone else. We dated for about 5 months, and we really went through so much within that frame. One would think we dated for much longer. We dealt with a death of his family member, job changes, etc. but through it all we had a connection that I have personally never felt with anyone before, and it seemed mutual. I remember on our first date he said my eyes feel like they look into his soul. Sometimes we would just lay there staring into eachother like the rest of the world didn't exist. I saw a future in him, and he would mention things that made me believe he felt the same way (marriage and kids, even baby names). However, he did say he wanted a relationship with me but he wanted to take it slow to get to strengthen our bond. I asked him that was a cop out and he said absolutely not, that he sees us being in a relationship and wants us to be in one but we shouldn't rush into it. Initially, I was okay with it but we had an incident happened around 2.5 months into dating that changed how I saw things for the rest of the relationship. While he was making us dinner, his phone went off. I saw on the screen it said "new message from someone on plenty of fish) I couldn't believe my eyes. I tried to ignore it but three messages came in a row. I gave him his phone and he checked it and looked at it and he knew he f*cked up. He tried to tell me that occasionally he talks to people when he was bored but I didn't buy it. My insecurities started flooding in. I started to wonder maybe he is not that into me and that's why he doesn't want to make us official. I started reading forums, articles, and taking advice from friends. Everything pointed towards that he doesn't want to commit because he is not that into me. However, I refused to believe that. We went through too much, said too much, and felt too much for this all not to be real to him. Honestly, I can tell when a man is not emotionally invested, and is in something for his own selfish reasons. But the way we looked into eachothers eyes, some married couples don't do that. I don't believe that was nothing to him. We could almost speak just my eye contact. After I left, we got into our biggest arguement on the phone that evening about the situation and he said he needs to think about things. Less than a week later we reconciled. One of my biggest complaints were that we didn't do more activities together, and I wanted to do more things. We did agree to start doing that and we did. He actually listened. We agreed to continue to strengthen our bond and he swore we were going to get into a relationship so we should start getting to know eachother fully. I did feel like our bond was growing, I learned so much about him and vice versa. Things seemed to be going uphill again. Until the last week of our relationship. Something in me still wondered if he goes on dating sites so I decided to make a fake (anonymous) dating profile to see if he has been online. Sadly, I found out that he was recently online a few days ago. I felt crushed but I tried to justify it. I said, maybe he was bored. So everyday I would search for his profile to see if he were online that day. I noticed he was logging on EVERYDAY. I simply asked him "do you still go on dating profiles and he said "only when I'm bored". The only time he didn't go online was the day I saw him. I didn't believe he only logs in because he is bored. He has work and other important things. You can't have that much free time. Either way, I just replied with "okay, just asking" That weekend he wanted to confirm our plans, and I said "I can't do this anymore. I can't keep dating you unofficially anymore. If we are already exclusive, why can't we just out a title on it? It makes no sense" and he said that he want ready to jump into a relationship this very second, and he liked the pace we were going and he swore we were going to be in a relationship one day but we should continue stregthing our bond. I said "we can strengthen our bond with a title" he then said that he cares for me but I feel unhappy with him then I we should go our seperate ways. I told him that I was developing deep feelings for him and his response was so safe. He said "you know how I feel about you, and those feelings have not changed. But if you can't be happy in us, I don't know what to tell you" then I asked him if we should take a BREAK? And he said "i think we should, hopefully this will help us. We will check in after some time to see how things are" I simply replied okay. We didn't contact each other for two weeks. I decided to make a real dating profile on the same site that he uses. I'm certain he saw my profile because initially, for the first few days I could see his profile on the list of guys that are my age in my area. Suddenly, his profile disappeared from that list. I never clicked on his profile or anything. When I would see it, I would not even acknowledge it. To confirm my suspicion that he hid my profile, I logged on to that fake anonymous profile that I made to see if his profile shows up, and it did! So that means we hid my profile so I don't see him and he doesn't see me. Still, I never contacted him. Finally, I contacted him the other day to tell him that the class he asked he to look into just got back to me. I texted him "hey, I hope you are doing well. That school just finally contacted me! Do you want me to forward you the information?" His response was so cold and curt. He said "yes. Hope all is well". He didn't even try to engage in any conversation with me to see how I'm doing or anything. It was such a closed response. I thought he would at least follow up with "how have things been?" But nope. He literally nipped it in the bud. Even though this was technically only supposed to be a break, for healing purposes I let my heart take it as a break up. I did not want to hold on to any large hope that we would get back together. I just reserved a tiny glimmer of hope that we would. Now, that tiny glimmer of hope is gone. How could be treat me so cold? Like a stranger? I literally treated him like a king. I was there for him emotionally, sexually, when his family member died, I cooked and cleaned whenever I was over, I never complained. Sometimes we would just laugh and laugh for hours with eachother. Not to mention the way we looked into eachothers eyes was so unique. I've never had that connection before. Now he is treating me like I've done something wrong or that I never meant anything to him. It hurts so so much.
d0nnivain Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 It was 5 months. Yes, an intense 5 months but still . . . Good for you for realizing that a break is a euphemism for break up. He's treating you coldly because he wants a clear demarcation that it's over. Stay away from him. Block all contact info & social media then you won't have to know he's treating you at all. He will simply fade into your past.
ilovemefirst Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 Im sorry you are going through this. My guy did the same thing to me, but i had to let him go..he did come back and we were strong again. It takes alot of strength and patience to get through this, but you will. The moment you let go and move on, well, he will sense it and come running back. I am not saying this for you to have full hopes of him coming back, but just you focusing on you and letting go is good for you. I think your focus is too much on him, and guys get scared of that. They feel the energy very strong, even if you dont message them. Its time for you to pull back and stop thinking of him so much ..or even talking about him. Look it up: shift in vibes in a relationship or refer to my last post. Good luck! 1
Author Hopelessromantic04 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 I am such a believer in these things. Maybe my vibes are still so strong regardless if I contacted him or not and he can sense it. I am going to work on moving forward. I'm glad things worked out for you love! 1
Eyebrows Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 My ex is being cold to me too. I tried to push her into talking about things after the break-up and to get an answer rather than going No Contact, so that's partly why. But it still hurts considering the girl asked me how I was going to propose to her and said she saw a future with me she never dreamed was possible for her. We were together 4-5 intense months as well. I saw a post on another site that says the dumper sees the dumpee as a threat. The coldness is a defence mechanism that stops you trying to talk to them, stop them from confronting either guilt or other emotions. Sometimes because they're unwilling or too immature to admit that they may have done something wrong or hurt somebody else.
hippychick3 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 Sorry, sweetie. A break is a break up. He was gently telling you he wanted to break up. As much as he seemed to be into you, he never was if he still went on the dating site. He may have been interested in you, but was not invested in you. Invested guys do not browse dating sites and do not refuse to label their relationship. The second you saw he was still on the dating site after 5 mos, you should have broken up with him right then and there and moved on. Don't contact him again. Focus your energy on meeting someone new who will be proud to call you his girlfriend WITHOUT you asking him to do so. 1
LostOnes05 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 Sorry, sweetie. A break is a break up. He was gently telling you he wanted to break up. As much as he seemed to be into you, he never was if he still went on the dating site. He may have been interested in you, but was not invested in you. Invested guys do not browse dating sites and do not refuse to label their relationship. The second you saw he was still on the dating site after 5 mos, you should have broken up with him right then and there and moved on. Don't contact him again. Focus your energy on meeting someone new who will be proud to call you his girlfriend WITHOUT you asking him to do so. Hippychick said pretty much all that needs to be said...but I will say that I went through this with a woman. She treated me like crap towards the end, purposefully trying to push me away. About 99% sure she was cheating. Either way spend time recovering from this and learning why you put up with it for any length of time. I certainly learned a lot about my resolve and what I'm willing to deal with. Take the time to actually heal so that it doesn't affect your future relationships. I wish you the best and don't put up with guys like that. There are plenty of us good guys out here looking for a good woman. Let him swipe left and right to his heart's content. You're only missing out on more heartbreak!!
LD1990 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 The excuses some people will use. He doesn't want to be in a relationship so you two can slowly strengthen your bond? Give me a break. And he goes on dating profiles to talk to people when he's bored? Maybe he should talk to his girlfriend...I'm sorry, "unofficial" girlfriend. Forget about this guy and move on. And stop assuming you can see emotional investment in people's eyes. The way another person looks at you doesn't signify their emotional investment. 1
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