tomblanco Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 We are friends for a while now but I developed feelings for her. She turned me down in February when I asked her out and I stopped contacting her for a while to get over her quicker. I believe I handled it maturely and never made her feel bad about turing me down. I got back in touch with her a couple of weeks ago and now I feel that she is being very "I don't really care" with me. She answers my text but non engaging and feels like she just does it out of curtesy. She didn't initiate communication while I went no contact. I just feel very uncomfortable contacting her now due to the way she responses. Nothing rude but very dismissive and short. Is she doing it because I stopped talking to her for a while after the rejection? We were pretty good mates/friends before that - hung out a few times a week. Now I feel weird even thinking about contacting her. Not because of the rejection, I am over that - because of the way that I expect her to get back to me...
phineas Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 She isn't into you. You are into her. She probably assumes you still want to date her. Lets be honest, you don't want to be just friends with her. You want more. This is why she is keeping you at a distance. If it were me.....well I wouldn't try to be friends with a woman I was attracted to but if it were me i'd just leave her alone, work on myself(lose weight, hit the gym), find a woman for myself & let her come to me when she is ready, if at all. If she doesn't come to you then she must not of valued the friendship all that much. 6
truth_seeker Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 How can you be friends with a woman? I know I can't. If I'm attracted to them I'll be aggravated that we're not hooking up... if I'm not attracted, by spending time with them, they'll start liking me and want more. It just doesn't work out...
smackie9 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 From a female's perspective, I would feel deceived, that the friendship was a sham. I remember when this happened to me a few times...it made me not trust them, I was horribly disappointed knowing their motives, it was a huge turn off. If a guy was hanging out with me because he wanted to get with me, then that means there truly was no real friendship..... so what is there to value? Don't be friends with girls you want to date, you just ask them out....it saves you a lot of grief.
preraph Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 Why are you still contacting her? She told you no. She probably thought you were just friends, but it turns out you had ulterior motives, which was possibly a little sneaky. She's probably embarrassed if she confided friend type things to you. At any rate, now she knows you want her, and she doesn't want you (sorry) and now it's way too awkward to want you around. And you shouldn't be around because you need to get over her instead of dwell on her. 1
Author tomblanco Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 How can you be friends with a woman? I know I can't. If I'm attracted to them I'll be aggravated that we're not hooking up... if I'm not attracted, by spending time with them, they'll start liking me and want more. It just doesn't work out... I've got plenty of woman friends who I am friends with for a very very long time and attraction has never been an issue between us (or not what I know of). This girl was only a lose friend as well when I got to know her a while ago but then her personality made me fall for her.
Author tomblanco Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 Why are you still contacting her? She told you no. Where did you get that she told me not to contact her? She did not say that. She wanted to stay friends but at that point, I believed no contact is the best way to go till I get over her. She probably thought you were just friends, but it turns out you had ulterior motives, which was possibly a little sneaky. This is just a little bit daft. These are the sort of things that girls has been brain washed by "man hater" websites. Why can't you be a genuine friend to someone without ulterior motives and then develop feelings for them? Isn't your partner supposed to be your best friend as well? Doesn't it how it works? Comments like this make my blood boil.
Author tomblanco Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 She isn't into you. You are into her. She probably assumes you still want to date her. Lets be honest, you don't want to be just friends with her. You want more. This is why she is keeping you at a distance. That's a good point - thank you for the comment. I wasn't planning on asking her out when I got to know her. I wasn't even attracted to her to begin with. Her personality and chemistry we had made me fall for her. She isn't into you. but if it were me i'd just leave her alone, work on myself(lose weight, hit the gym), find a woman for myself & let her come to me when she is ready, if at all. Yeah - that's what I do. Back to crossfit again I think, I will just leave her (well, it is not like I have been pestering her - I only contacted her once after many weeks as she had some serious issues and wanted to hear from her that she is okay).
Author tomblanco Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 Why are you still contacting her? She told you no. Just one more little piece of info: she actually invited me to an event that was happening just a few days after she rejected me but I decided not to go as it was just a tad too soon.
Buddhist Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I believe I handled it maturely and never made her feel bad about turing me down. She believes differently. Is she doing it because I stopped talking to her for a while after the rejection? We were pretty good mates/friends before that - hung out a few times a week. Now I feel weird even thinking about contacting her. Not because of the rejection, I am over that - because of the way that I expect her to get back to me... Yes. You made it weird by going no contact. Think about it, you were good friends and hanging out several times a week and then suddenly......crickets. How would you feel if a friend did that to you? You could have made it less awkward by just sending her a text or something to explain that you're going to fall off the planet for a while and will be back at some point. From her POV it seems like you got butt hurt because she rejected your romantic advance, it came across as a big deal and now she's wary of you. Going NC without explanation or even a heads up on a close friendship will basically burn it.
Author tomblanco Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 She believes differently. What makes you say that? I accepted her decision, never tried to convince her otherwise. Isn't this what women want when they reject someone? Yes. You made it weird by going no contact. Think about it, you were good friends and hanging out several times a week and then suddenly......crickets. How would you feel if a friend did that to you? You could have made it less awkward by just sending her a text or something to explain that you're going to fall off the planet for a while and will be back at some point. Maybe... I am just not a drama queen and didn't want to announce that I won't be in contact with her for a while. I assumed, she would understand why I am out of the picture a little. Also, she had the chance to contact me. Friendship is not a one way street. She could have contacted me as well to see how I was... From her POV it seems like you got butt hurt because she rejected your romantic advance, it came across as a big deal and now she's wary of you. Going NC without explanation or even a heads up on a close friendship will basically burn it. Is there anything I can do at this stage to salvage the possibility of a future re connection?
preraph Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 Where did you get that she told me not to contact her? She did not say that. She wanted to stay friends but at that point, I believed no contact is the best way to go till I get over her. This is just a little bit daft. These are the sort of things that girls has been brain washed by "man hater" websites. Why can't you be a genuine friend to someone without ulterior motives and then develop feelings for them? Isn't your partner supposed to be your best friend as well? Doesn't it how it works? Comments like this make my blood boil. Is it really all so daft when the title of your post is "She stopped talking to me"? Does that mean something to you other than that she doesn't want contact? And honey, I've never been to manhater website. I've just seen this over and over where a guy keeps trying to hang around as a friend after they've been rejected so they can change their mind and the woman doesn't want them to because now they can't trust them or believe them. Go be mad at me. But just realize it's not me you're really mad at. You're deflecting.
Buddhist Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 What makes you say that? I accepted her decision, never tried to convince her otherwise. Isn't this what women want when they reject someone? The fact that she is now keeping you on the perimeter of where you used to be. If she thought it was the right way to handle it you would not be in the predicament that you are. Maybe... I am just not a drama queen and didn't want to announce that I won't be in contact with her for a while. I assumed, she would understand why I am out of the picture a little. Communicating isn't being a drama queen, it's avoiding drama by communicating. You didn't need to make a full confession but you could have just said, well I'll be out of town for a while, see you when I get back. Or similar. You made the almighty assumption that she could read your mind, and she did. She realised you were butt hurt over it and that made things weird between you. You were previously in close communication, if you had never asked her out and just had stuff to do for a while do you think you probably would have let her know that rather than disappeared? I think so. You changed the relationship dynamic suddenly, she put two and two together. Also, she had the chance to contact me. Friendship is not a one way street. She could have contacted me as well to see how I was... That's true. But didn't she contact you a few days later to invite you somewhere? So you can see she is still communicating with you on the same basis that you were before. You're the one who subsequently disappeared without a word. It looks like a tantrum in the absence of any information to the contrary. And since you declined that offer and then refused to talk to her you've solidly put it out there that you consider the relationship over. No wonder she is courteous and distant towards you now. Is there anything I can do at this stage to salvage the possibility of a future re connection? Probably not. Friendships are delicate things, sure some weather the storms of life, others fall by the wayside. Even without the rejection bit in the middle of it, you basically flaked on her when you were previously consistent. That kind of thing damages relationships and it could all have been avoided with a simple txt. Live and learn.
preraph Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 Just one more little piece of info: she actually invited me to an event that was happening just a few days after she rejected me but I decided not to go as it was just a tad too soon. Okay. So at that time, she thought she'd try to just be friends and see how it went. So she either knows you're hurt or she knows you're mad and has decided not to deal with it at this time. Maybe she will eventually. But if she has any prior experience with this or any of her friends do, she'll know that it's usually fraught with complications once you know a guy wants to be romantic when you do not. You can't trust them not to block other men from you, even if it's not intentional. People think you're together. It's just hard for either of you to move on and find someone else if you're trying to be friends. And for me, it is just too awkward to want to do it. I'll stay acquaintances with someone, but I won't be telling them much of my personal business after that. And even that can backfire on you because sometimes they hopefully think it's because your only personal business is them, when it's not, when you've just basically shut it down except for nonpersonal stuff.
ff12343 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 If she doesn't come to you then she must not of valued the friendship all that much. Bingo. ;)
ff12343 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I'm sure you've heard of the expression "less is more". Just back off and see if she comes to you. If she doesn't after several weeks, then take that message at face value. Silence has a beautiful way of revealing things to you my friend.
Author tomblanco Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 The fact that she is now keeping you on the perimeter of where you used to be. If she thought it was the right way to handle it you would not be in the predicament that you are. ..... Okay, I get that. In this case I just don't know what the right way to handle rejection. She can't expect me to hang around right after she turned me down acting as a fake friend. It was maybe an error of judgement not telling her that I would like to keep a break from the friendship. I just simply expected her to understand this why without me spelling it out. That's true. But didn't she contact you a few days later to invite you somewhere? So you can see she is still communicating with you on the same basis that you were before. You're the one who subsequently disappeared without a word. It looks like a tantrum in the absence of any information to the contrary. And since you declined that offer and then refused to talk to her you've solidly put it out there that you consider the relationship over. No wonder she is courteous and distant towards you now. It wasn't like that. I asked her out in person after lunch and first she said yes. Then about an hour later she sent me a text saying that she doesn't want to date me. In the same text, she told me that we can still catch up on that so and so event. I answered her text and told her it is ok - no worries and that was the last communication that we had for a very long while.
Author tomblanco Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 Is it really all so daft when the title of your post is "She stopped talking to me"? Does that mean something to you other than that she doesn't want contact? Ok I get that. You have a point here. And honey, I've never been to manhater website. I've just seen this over and over where a guy keeps trying to hang around as a friend after they've been rejected so they can change their mind and the woman doesn't want them to because now they can't trust them or believe them. Go be mad at me. But just realize it's not me you're really mad at. You're deflecting. But this is not what we were talking about. You said that it is sneaky to befriend a girl with hidden motives. I reacted to this that sometimes you become friends with someone and you develop feeling for them later on. These are two different things that we are talking about. I totally agree with not hanging around a girl who rejected you in a hope of change their mind. That's sneaky. But asking a friend out on a date - you can't view it as the motive was just this to begin with... people change and feelings change. Many times people develop feelings for someone later on down the line.
todreaminblue Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 i feel when no contact becomes a method of gauging interest everything backfires.....when communication becomes null and void..any relationship or possibility fo a relationship becomes null...and void..... so if you truly like this person communicate your interest honestly and openly if you want a friendship if that si truly what you want...then pursue it....if you still like her more than a friend could be.....then let that be known.....but always communicate.....and dont play the no contact game unless you want confusion to reign supreme is my suggestion...no contact si a toll you use to get over someone.....not to get them back or...for revenge or for any other reason other than to move on and heal.........deb
Author tomblanco Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 I'm sure you've heard of the expression "less is more". Just back off and see if she comes to you. If she doesn't after several weeks, then take that message at face value. Silence has a beautiful way of revealing things to you my friend. Well, I was thinking as a last chance to invite her to a sport event that we will do with my friends (and probably another 12 thousand people will be there too) to make sure that she knows that I am open to her. Even if she declines, I did my part and the ball is in her court. I can then put this whole thing behind me without being mad at me for not showing clearly that I am ok to start it again if she wants it too. Right now, she might be in limbo not knowing where she stands with me due to my no contact for a while. I just want her to know that I am not mad at her at all and have no hard feelings.
Author tomblanco Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 i feel when no contact becomes a method of gauging interest everything backfires.....when communication becomes null and void..any relationship or possibility fo a relationship becomes null...and void..... so if you truly like this person communicate your interest honestly and openly if you want a friendship if that si truly what you want...then pursue it....if you still like her more than a friend could be.....then let that be known.....but always communicate.....and dont play the no contact game unless you want confusion to reign supreme is my suggestion...no contact si a toll you use to get over someone.....not to get them back or...for revenge or for any other reason other than to move on and heal.........deb Thank you. It was not a method to gauge interst, revenge, etc. on my part. I didn't want to orbit around her after the rejection in a hope of convincing her. I felt that is low. This is the reason I went NC. I am not interested in dating her anymore, that doesn't bother me. As I mentioned in my last post, I want to invite her to a sporting event that we will do with my friends to show her that I am ready to pick things up if she feels the same way. If she declines, the ball is in her court and I will leave her alone (not like I have been pestering her at all).
smackie9 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 This is just a little bit daft. These are the sort of things that girls has been brain washed by "man hater" websites. Why can't you be a genuine friend to someone without ulterior motives and then develop feelings for them? Isn't your partner supposed to be your best friend as well? Doesn't it how it works? Comments like this make my blood boil. No as I stated, this is how I myself have personally felt after a friend "liked" me romantically....no "brainwashing" by man hater websites (they didn't exists when I was young). Guess what it's perfectly normal for a girl to feel this way despite your point of view. I never had a BF that started out as friends, ever. We met, they asked me out, end of story. Instant attraction and hitting it off is the most common way people get together. Being friends first, is a limited run for the very few. Since you have so many long time GFs, why are you so worried to keep this one as a friend? I say tell her what you have told us, then just back off, and if she comes around she comes around. 1
Author tomblanco Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 No as I stated, this is how I myself have personally felt after a friend "liked" me romantically....no "brainwashing" by man hater websites (they didn't exists when I was young). Guess what it's perfectly normal for a girl to feel this way despite your point of view. I never had a BF that started out as friends, ever. We met, they asked me out, end of story. Instant attraction and hitting it off is the most common way people get together. Being friends first, is a limited run for the very few. I don't know... All of my relationship started off as some sort of friendship. I am a different person when I get comfortable with someone - not saying I am awkward in any ways with strangers but I don't show who really I am. so basically if a guy asks a girl friend out and she says, yes - it is ok. But if a guy asks a girl out and she says, no - the guy is low and manipulative. I know, this is not what you said but if we look at it from this point of view, it makes no sense. I am not trying to be difficult here, I am just interested in this now. Since you have so many long time GFs, why are you so worried to keep this one as a friend? I say tell her what you have told us, then just back off, and if she comes around she comes around. Because I hate hurting someone. I do not know how she feels about the situation and the fact that I staid out of contact for a while after she turned me down. She is not a vicious person and it is not her fault for not feeling the same as I did. I don't want her to feel guilty for something that is out of their control (as I know, rejecting someone is not an easy one either)
Zippy2000 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 We are friends for a while now but I developed feelings for her. She turned me down in February when I asked her out and I stopped contacting her for a while to get over her quicker. I believe I handled it maturely and never made her feel bad about turing me down. I got back in touch with her a couple of weeks ago and now I feel that she is being very "I don't really care" with me. She answers my text but non engaging and feels like she just does it out of curtesy. She didn't initiate communication while I went no contact. I just feel very uncomfortable contacting her now due to the way she responses. Nothing rude but very dismissive and short. Is she doing it because I stopped talking to her for a while after the rejection? We were pretty good mates/friends before that - hung out a few times a week. Now I feel weird even thinking about contacting her. Not because of the rejection, I am over that - because of the way that I expect her to get back to me... Well you did stop talking to her first. No doubt shes thinking youre still into her and shes thinking why has he got back in touch with me now with you inconsistent keeping in touch. You need to give her time to realise what your doinf as in trying to win her over or just being friends. Naturally her defences are up.
smudge21 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 You still want her as much as you always did, admit that to yourself first. Also know that you can't be friends with someone you have feelings for. I know. I've been there many times. It's true that you can develop feelings for someone who starts off as a friend (I did very recently) but that doesn't mean they will. Also you can't control who you fall for - in the same way you fell for her was out of your control, it was out of her control not to fall for you. Sh*t just happens. Now in my case, I went through similar and due to work and mutual friends, had to accept how things were. It was tough, seeing someone I couldn't be with. Eventually though the feelings faded and we remained friends. I wouldn't have gone NC on her without saying anything though, so that's what's really thrown her and then the coming back a short time later, that would confuse anyone. See things from her point of view, take note of what others have said and most of all, be honest with yourself - can you really just be friends with this girl right now?
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