He chose Ikea furniture over me

[ItchyFeet]

Yes, the title is funny. Why? Because WHO DOES THAT?

 

So let me explain. I currently live in Europe. I am from the US. While living here for a few months a few years ago, I met a guy on a dating site. We hit it off well. First night we were both insanely attracted to each other. TONS of chemistry. I'm not a "sleep with a guy on the first date" kind of girl but this guy just killed me.

 

We saw each other off and on for a few months until we were supposed to meet up and on the day we were supposed to meet up he said "I can't meet tonight as I just found out my aunt has cancer and need to see her"... ok, my BS meter was a bit high but I thought, "hey, it can happen"... Plus, I was heading back to the USA in a week. So, I just let it go.

 

Fast forward a couple of years and now I have been living here for over a year. I decided to send him an email through Linked-In to let him know that I was now living here permanently and to let me know if he would like to meet up. He sent me an email back the next day and said "This is great, I will be in (your city) on the first of April as I am getting my new apartment that day, so we must celebrate" I then sent him my new number and he contacted me a week later on Whatsapp. We chatted and he said he was looking forward to seeing me. I never pushed the issue as I thought I would like him to "pursue" me.

 

So, a few days before the 1st of April, he sent me a Whatsapp and said he would be here in a few days. He said Thursday night, he would stay with his cousins. Then there was a pause and he said "would it be ok if I stayed at your place?" I said "sure, but wouldn't Friday be better?" His response was "yes" and that Friday he was waiting for all his furniture to be delivered.

 

Friday comes and I figured he would get to me when he was done with his day. Nope.. nothing. Friday at 8pm rolls around and I am thinking, ok, I will wait until 9 and then ask what the hell happened. So, 9 rolls around and I said "thought you were coming over tonight?" He said that he was still at his apartment mounting furniture. He said he didn't think it would take so much time. Then he proceeds to send me several pictures of the furniture all over the floor. I said "sounds fun" he said Ikea is killing me. I didn't respond. An hour later he said "sorry for not informing you because I was too focused, are you mad at me?" Now at this point, I would LOVE to say something snarky but we are both in our mid 40's so no teenager behavior for me. However I did say this....

 

No, not mad but I find it odd that you'd rather put together Ikea furniture than be with a girl in a tight black dress. I think something else better came up for you and you blew me off. Classy.

 

I was proud of myself on that one.

 

Then he proceeded to say I am wrong and that he's an fcking idiot. That he must visit his father who is sick on Sunday who lives nearby. That he thought he could mount all the furniture and then be with me. He said his stress level was high and that he was now in a bad mood because he hadn't even eaten dinner.. blah blah blah.. and then finished with... what about lunch tomorrow? (Saturday).. I never responded. I was so beside myself.

 

Listen, I get it.. people have ****e to do.. BUT REALLY??????? He knows I am a sure thing.. it's not like he was going to put it together ALL NIGHT. And so many sick relatives... Again, I guess that happens but we all know the Ikea dilemma and if you have put together Ikea furniture in your life, you know it's a nightmare but (in a tongue and cheek) way but also (I am pissed)... the next time a guy choses to assemble Ikea furniture over you... try not to let it kill your self esteem.

 

I think sometimes guys that flake come up with the most amazing excuses but I have to say.. Ikea is a new one for me.

Edited April 2, 2016 by ItchyFeet

[basil67]

No, not mad but I find it odd that you'd rather put together Ikea furniture than be with a girl in a tight black dress. I think something else better came up for you and you blew me off. Classy.

 

This is your definition of 'not snarky'? Bahaha. Oh well, at least you won't have to worry about hearing from him again.

[ItchyFeet]

LOL! It was a "mature" snarky comment. His backtracking came AFTER I wrote that.... I'm sure if I wrote him now he would write back but I'm a bit exhausted after all that.

[basil67]

Yeah, best to leave it alone. Sounds like you're just a casual option anyway

[loveweary11]

Drop your self centered expectations a moment. The guy is in the middle of moving and has family obligations. I assume he has to work a job as well?

 

There is only so much time in a day.

[ItchyFeet]

Drop your self centered expectations a moment. The guy is in the middle of moving and has family obligations. I assume he has to work a job as well?

 

There is only so much time in a day.

 

Agreed, and I am ok with that but why not respond on Friday (while waiting for his furniture) or even so, he could have sent a message at 6 or 7pm saying that he didn't think he would make it? The silence all day was my first clue that something was "off" but I let it go.. then when 9pm came around (pretty much when we would already be together) I sent a text only to get his response. I agree with the above poster that I am just a casual option and he probably decided at some point during the day that it wasn't going to happen but failed to let me know that part. But all his "excitement" leading up to this was quite the let down. Rejection sucks. Perhaps I should have said yes for lunch.. but I was just to perturbed at that point.

 

I really think if he wanted to be with me, he would have made the effort. He could have come over for the night. I'm not that far away.

[Tressugar]

No you're right to be suspect of all the excuses and sick relatives. In fact, online dating experts warn women to be alarmed when a person keeps using sick relatives as excuses.

 

Trust me when I tell you I was talking a man from online who kept giving excuses why he couldn't meet me in person...ie mom was in auto accident, dog got ran over, aunt in the hospital, kids had the flu and even he got in a hit and run on the way to come meet me.

 

Yes we all have our share of bad luck, but sheesh! Do ya really wanna hit it off with someone who has so much going on in their life?!

 

First thing I'll think that karma is coming for them.

 

I know this isn't your particular case.

 

Bottomline my sister always had told me even busy ppl make time for ppl/things that are important to them.

Edited April 2, 2016 by Tressugar

[yololin]

I think he is busy and also, he isn't bothered to meet you. If he really wanted to meet you, he would have.

 

It would be nice if he gave an honest answer.

[ItchyFeet]

I think he is busy and also, he isn't bothered to meet you. If he really wanted to meet you, he would have.

 

It would be nice if he gave an honest answer.

 

The problem is, in the real world, people rarely give the honest answer. If he did, it would have been something like, well, I'd rather be on my knees right now, putting together 5000 pieces of Ikea furniture all hours of the night rather than be getting a blow job for the evening. Nobody says those things though.

 

He was really contacting me up until that point so I really felt confident but all day without any text to confirm where we would meet up left me feeling like something wasn't right. I wonder what would have happened if I never texted at all? Would he have just let it go until whenever? Should I have said OK for lunch the next day? Amazing.

[266696687]

The problem is, in the real world, people rarely give the honest answer. If he did, it would have been something like, well, I'd rather be on my knees right now, putting together 5000 pieces of Ikea furniture all hours of the night rather than be getting a blow job for the evening. Nobody says those things though.

 

He was really contacting me up until that point so I really felt confident but all day without any text to confirm where we would meet up left me feeling like something wasn't right. I wonder what would have happened if I never texted at all? Would he have just let it go until whenever? Should I have said OK for lunch the next day? Amazing.

 

It doesn't really matter how 'busy' his life is or how many sick relatives he has ect the point is he made plans with you built up a load of anticipation around those plans prior to the day confirming he was seeing you on the Friday and then stood you up without a second thought or even a message to cancel.

 

He knew you'd be waiting for him. This type of behaviour is disrespectful, rude and inconsiderate. If you hadn't have text him at 9pm I doubt he would have contacted you at all that night. You clearly mean so little to him that you don't even get the decency of a message to cancel the plans. Then he has the audacity to ask you to lunch the next day. Offers you a list of excuses rather than a proper apology. His attitude stinks.

 

Peoples lives are busy but there is no excuse for the disrespectful way he has treated you. Yes sure cancel plans to build your furniture if you urgently need it set up - the point is he didn't cancel, he didn't say a word just left you waiting at home for him to show up. It's beyond rude. I wouldn't speak a word to him again. He isn't worthy.

[Curiousroxy86]

Yes, the title is funny. Why? Because WHO DOES THAT?

 

So let me explain. I currently live in Europe. I am from the US. While living here for a few months a few years ago, I met a guy on a dating site. We hit it off well. First night we were both insanely attracted to each other. TONS of chemistry. I'm not a "sleep with a guy on the first date" kind of girl but this guy just killed me.

 

We saw each other off and on for a few months until we were supposed to meet up and on the day we were supposed to meet up he said "I can't meet tonight as I just found out my aunt has cancer and need to see her"... ok, my BS meter was a bit high but I thought, "hey, it can happen"... Plus, I was heading back to the USA in a week. So, I just let it go.

 

Fast forward a couple of years and now I have been living here for over a year. I decided to send him an email through Linked-In to let him know that I was now living here permanently and to let me know if he would like to meet up. He sent me an email back the next day and said "This is great, I will be in (your city) on the first of April as I am getting my new apartment that day, so we must celebrate" I then sent him my new number and he contacted me a week later on Whatsapp. We chatted and he said he was looking forward to seeing me. I never pushed the issue as I thought I would like him to "pursue" me.

 

So, a few days before the 1st of April, he sent me a Whatsapp and said he would be here in a few days. He said Thursday night, he would stay with his cousins. Then there was a pause and he said "would it be ok if I stayed at your place?" I said "sure, but wouldn't Friday be better?" His response was "yes" and that Friday he was waiting for all his furniture to be delivered.

 

Friday comes and I figured he would get to me when he was done with his day. Nope.. nothing. Friday at 8pm rolls around and I am thinking, ok, I will wait until 9 and then ask what the hell happened. So, 9 rolls around and I said "thought you were coming over tonight?" He said that he was still at his apartment mounting furniture. He said he didn't think it would take so much time. Then he proceeds to send me several pictures of the furniture all over the floor. I said "sounds fun" he said Ikea is killing me. I didn't respond. An hour later he said "sorry for not informing you because I was too focused, are you mad at me?" Now at this point, I would LOVE to say something snarky but we are both in our mid 40's so no teenager behavior for me. However I did say this....

 

No, not mad but I find it odd that you'd rather put together Ikea furniture than be with a girl in a tight black dress. I think something else better came up for you and you blew me off. Classy.

 

I was proud of myself on that one.

 

Then he proceeded to say I am wrong and that he's an fcking idiot. That he must visit his father who is sick on Sunday who lives nearby. That he thought he could mount all the furniture and then be with me. He said his stress level was high and that he was now in a bad mood because he hadn't even eaten dinner.. blah blah blah.. and then finished with... what about lunch tomorrow? (Saturday).. I never responded. I was so beside myself.

 

Listen, I get it.. people have ****e to do.. BUT REALLY??????? He knows I am a sure thing.. it's not like he was going to put it together ALL NIGHT. And so many sick relatives... Again, I guess that happens but we all know the Ikea dilemma and if you have put together Ikea furniture in your life, you know it's a nightmare but (in a tongue and cheek) way but also (I am pissed)... the next time a guy choses to assemble Ikea furniture over you... try not to let it kill your self esteem.

 

I think sometimes guys that flake come up with the most amazing excuses but I have to say.. Ikea is a new one for me.

 

Yes guys will flake for all kinds of reasons other than just saying "I don't think your worth my time at that particular time. However be honest. Don't you think you acted kind of thirsty from the beginning? I mean he was clearly showing flakish signs from the jump. First sign of bs you detected in my opinion you should not have contacted him. You should have let him contacted you then you could have properly gauged his interest level. You pursued him even when you'd rather be the other way around. a guy that your not in an exclusive relationship with has the right to flake. It sucks but only because you liked him and thought he should like you back. There could be many honest reasons why people flake. He probably wasn't feeling you as much, he probably was not feeling the dating scene much and wanted to enjoy solitude and autonomy, he probably really wanted to conquer that dag on ikea, he probably trying to back with an ex. Yall didn't sound like yall were official so really who cares. In dating I say have no expectations and reserve your like for guys who is showing you interest and pursuing you and don't sweat the flaky ones. That's my 2 cents. Forgive me if its long winded. It really bothers me when people give flakey hot and cold suitors (if you even want to call them that) more power than there worth. If more people immediately cut off a person when there first being flaky it would solve most of the dating issue cause it's the whole giving your energy to someone who is just not giving it back that sucks. Don't give that energy away in the first. Let the non flaky suitors earn it. K off my soap box now lol.

[ItchyFeet]

Yes guys will flake for all kinds of reasons other than just saying "I don't think your worth my time at that particular time. However be honest. Don't you think you acted kind of thirsty from the beginning? I mean he was clearly showing flakish signs from the jump. First sign of bs you detected in my opinion you should not have contacted him. You should have let him contacted you then you could have properly gauged his interest level. You pursued him even when you'd rather be the other way around. a guy that your not in an exclusive relationship with has the right to flake. It sucks but only because you liked him and thought he should like you back. There could be many honest reasons why people flake. He probably wasn't feeling you as much, he probably was not feeling the dating scene much and wanted to enjoy solitude and autonomy, he probably really wanted to conquer that dag on ikea, he probably trying to back with an ex. Yall didn't sound like yall were official so really who cares. In dating I say have no expectations and reserve your like for guys who is showing you interest and pursuing you and don't sweat the flaky ones. That's my 2 cents. Forgive me if its long winded. It really bothers me when people give flakey hot and cold suitors (if you even want to call them that) more power than there worth. If more people immediately cut off a person when there first being flaky it would solve most of the dating issue cause it's the whole giving your energy to someone who is just not giving it back that sucks. Don't give that energy away in the first. Let the non flaky suitors earn it. K off my soap box now lol.

 

Thanks for your reply. Please reread my first posting. I didn't pursue him. I did contact him initially but after that, it was him pursuing me. Everything was "his idea" up until he flaked.

[Curiousroxy86]

 

Fast forward a couple of years and now I have been living here for over a year. I decided to send him an email through Linked-In to let him know that I was now living here permanently and to let me know if he would like to meet up.

 

You got the bs meter and you didn't push the issue when you left the first time but your back and your reaching out to a guy who flaked on you the first time. That's what I got from your post. He showed flaky signs from the jump and you did pursue him when you came back. Am I reading this wrong?

 

No, not mad but I find it odd that you'd rather put together Ikea furniture than be with a girl in a tight black dress. I think something else better came up for you and you blew me off. Classy.

 

Are you guys exclusive? If not that remark screamed thirsty to me. How about responding "not at all have fun" then go make plans elsewhere in your little black dress.

 

Then he proceeded to say I am wrong and that he's an fcking idiot. That he must visit his father who is sick on Sunday who lives nearby. That he thought he could mount all the furniture and then be with me. He said his stress level was high and that he was now in a bad mood because he hadn't even eaten dinner.. blah blah blah.. and then finished with... what about lunch tomorrow? (Saturday).. I never responded. I was so beside myself.

 

 

In my opinion this was the best response you gave to that arse hat.

 

My opinion stands unless there is more information you did not give in the initial post.

[Curiousroxy86]

Thanks for your reply. Please reread my first posting. I didn't pursue him. I did contact him initially but after that, it was him pursuing me. Everything was "his idea" up until he flaked.

the contact initially was what I was referring to my apologies I was not clear.

[ItchyFeet]

the contact initially was what I was referring to my apologies I was not clear.

 

Curious,

 

When we had last parted ways a few years ago (the sick aunt story) it was the first time so I gave him the benefit of the doubt THIS time because I do believe things DO happen. But he showed me otherwise.

[ItchyFeet]

Update: He just sent a message and said "he would at least like to have a drink with me and what am I doing tomorrow night (Sunday night) LOL!!!! I guess I am not good enough for Saturday night!

[Tressugar]

Itchy, I'd move on if I was in your shoes. This a-hole clearly doesn't have a clue in respecting you or your time. You're not missing out on anything special with him.

 

Tell him NEXT!!!

[katiegrl]

It doesn't really matter how 'busy' his life is or how many sick relatives he has ect the point is he made plans with you built up a load of anticipation around those plans prior to the day confirming he was seeing you on the Friday and then stood you up without a second thought or even a message to cancel.

 

He knew you'd be waiting for him. This type of behaviour is disrespectful, rude and inconsiderate. If you hadn't have text him at 9pm I doubt he would have contacted you at all that night. You clearly mean so little to him that you don't even get the decency of a message to cancel the plans. Then he has the audacity to ask you to lunch the next day. Offers you a list of excuses rather than a proper apology. His attitude stinks.

 

Peoples lives are busy but there is no excuse for the disrespectful way he has treated you. Yes sure cancel plans to build your furniture if you urgently need it set up - the point is he didn't cancel, he didn't say a word just left you waiting at home for him to show up. It's beyond rude. I wouldn't speak a word to him again. He isn't worthy.

 

^^This and nuff said....

[oldshirt]

your story reminds me of something kind of similar that happened to me years ago.

 

 

I was in a LTR but we had had a wide variety of issues for awhile and the writing on the wall was getting pretty apparent and the red flags flapping wildly in the wind were getting too much to ignore.

 

 

Anyway, we hadn't really seen each other in a few weeks as she always had one excuse or another and so one night I became pretty insistent that she at least stop by and say hi on her way home from work (she got off work around 8 pm and my place was between her work and her place)

 

 

She said she'd stop by for a little bit but that she had to get home to pack as she was going to be moving to a new apartment with a new roommate......in a month. Keep that in mind...in a month.

 

 

So anyway she does stop by as promised but she continues to insist that she can't stay long and that she needs to pack up some dishes in preparation of the move. ......... in a month.

 

 

We were making some small talk for not even an hour and she never took off her jacket and she's standing by the door and looks like she could bolt out the door at any moment.

 

 

Finally I decide to go for broke and outright proposition her and offer her to stay the night and get some good lovin' and take her mind off of packing for one night.

 

 

The look on her face told me everything I needed to know and she said she wished she could but that she really needed to get home to pack the dishes and that she had set that for her goal for that day and that she simply had to get home to pack the dishes so they would be packed and ready for when her new apartment was ready. ...... in a month.

 

 

I saw the light. I knew then in an instant that we were over. I wasn't mad. I wasn't bitter. I was a strange sense of realization and acceptance. The thing that was the most telling was that I could see it wasn't an excuse, it wasn't a blow of and it wasn't a cover story.

 

 

I could see that she was serious and sincere. I could tell she really, honestly would rather go home and pack up some dishes rather than spend time with me. She was excited and looking forward to her new place with her new roommate and she would rather pack dishes and load belongings into boxes than be with me for another moment.

 

 

It was kind of a hard pill to swallow but it needed to be chugged down. That was "the sign" I had been waiting for for quite some time.

 

 

There were never any fireworks. Never any drama. No fights. No long tearful good byes and no endless phone calls with any pleading, begging, negotiating or promises of change or redemption.

 

 

She went home, packed her dishes and the rest of her stuff moved in with her new roommate......a month later.

 

 

I went on about my business, started dating other girls and went on with my life. I eventually met my wife and married and had a family. We bumped into each other occasionally and made pleasant small talk but never any offers, hints or discussion of ever getting back together.

 

 

That was in 1991. I happened to come across her on Facebook a few months ago and we are now friends on facebook and kind of did the thing where we catch up on what are jobs are now and where we are living now but that is it and all it will ever be.

 

 

But my point to all of this is the dishes told me what I needed to know. The dishes set me free. For me it was dishes. for you it is furniture.

 

 

Now you know. Now you can move on without looking back. Ikea has set you free.

[normal person]

"You know what they say, when God closes a Ŝtørṽa Innjǿrdǝn, he opens a Fǿnstǝrviviǧ."

 

- Matt Oswalt (Patton's brother)

Edited April 2, 2016 by normal person

[preraph]

It's the principle of the thing, isn't it? I mean, IKEA furniture is nothing if not terminably available and always wanting. But I do think he was right about one thing. He WAS an idiot. He wasn't thinking. But in his defence, you know, some of us do need to feather our nests before we begin our mating dance. It's primal. And many primal things were pulling on this mindless idiot that day. You know, men are much more compartmentalized than women. He sees something broken or (gasp) unassembled, he's got to fix it -- now!! He's in a desperate fury to patch the hole in his cave with mud and bamboo before the rains come.

 

BUT if you had just shown up there in your tight little black dress, cam-lock nuts would have been flying everywhere as you became his new primal priority. Because you, my dear, are fully assembled, and never forget it.

 

Give him one more chance once he's got it together.

[xpaperxcutx]

He gave you the cancer BS the first time around, now he gave you the Ikea BS. He never made you a priority.

 

I recently had a guy I liked pull this same thing on me this past Easter. He send me a picture of his bathtub being fixed even though we had planned to meet up a week in advance.

 

He didn't cancel or anything, just told me that he didn't know when he will be done and he never apologized.

 

So yeah men who don't follow-up are time wasters and if you haveto play games to keep them interested, they were never good for you in the beginning.

[mattelipstick]

oldshirt, I wish I could "love" your post. A like seems insufficient.

[preraph]

your story reminds me of something kind of similar that happened to me years ago.

 

 

 

I could see that she was serious and sincere. I could tell she really, honestly would rather go home and pack up some dishes rather than spend time with me. She was excited and looking forward to her new place with her new roommate and she would rather pack dishes and load belongings into boxes than be with me for another moment.

 

 

That's one of those "it is what it is" lessons. It's so hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes.