BewilderedandHurt Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 In summary:_ I dated a person for 5 years and yes he is/was the other man (OM)._ I am not proud of that, but I need to give you some facts here._ I can tell you he pursued me endlessly prior to me giving in and I was in a very shaky marriage and was extremely vulnerable at the time. this went against my core values, but it happened. he (we will call him A) managed to really make me fall in love with him. _ A and I got every very close and were together online every single day._ we spoke on the phone everyday too and we had visits back and forth to see each other in person. this was a LD relationship. I didn't leave my spouse right away because i was sick when i met A and i was in need of physical rehabilitation and my children were younger and i had to first get a separation getting and try to become a little financially independent first and had internal fears about just up and leaving without thinking things thru and getting stronger in my life overall._ A said he would wait._promised that. but every time we fought i became insecure because he was the flirty type and i had found out he was putting his name and pic on internet dating ads and talked to some woman on the side._ he claims he never "really" cheated on me, and that he was just insecure that i would never come to him. and he felt i didn't trust him, hence that's why he did that. _ I always tried to reassure him otherwise, in my actions and displaying love. he saw copies of my separation papers, and knew it would take me time to get back on board after suffering and living with a chronic illness. _ so i was furious with him_ and deeply saddened that i was made to feel so insecure while i was trying to piece my life back together again. his kids lived with their mom out of state and i don't think he really fully understood my bond with mine. but he always used to say someday they would grow up and i had to have a life of my own._ (i found he was right about that much) for they are older and dating now and i am lonely and missing him. _ but he had a way of making me believe i pushed him into doing these things he did occasionally, because he said_ i didn't trust him. and he was trustworthy. _ my viewpoint was i didn't trust him because of what i caught him doing. (it was circular) i admit after being married for years and years i lost my dating skills and didn't know how to deal with this man long distance. but my basic attitude was loving and i did mostly the things he wanted to do, when he was willing to spend time with me._but i questioned him too much for his liking i guess. since we broke up i have had time to reflect on where i went wrong (mainly not doing my own thing more_ and always doing his thing on his chosen time to be with me and asking him to spend time with me on his down time) and i can now see i was being an accusing person and getting too insecure at times._but ONLY because he first broke the trust with his ads online, etc. and talking to other woman in flirting ways .. sort of leaving himself open. and meanwhile telling me we were engaged in his heart..etc._and in our lives no matter what. he had stated over and over that he never cheated on me with anyone face to face with any physical contact. that it was mostly him being insecure that i would never leave my spouse._ but i had given him evidence all along i was going to leave but needed time. and he swore he would wait..especially after....... the final straw, _ when i found letters, a woman in prison was writing to him. _ she spoke of moving into his place when she got out and was asking what the measurements were in his apartment in order to see if her furniture would fit in. i also found a letter written to a lady in viet nam and he spoke of flying there to meet with her and spend time getting to know her._this was after almost 5 years into our relationship he spoke of marriage to her on there etc. sighs. this is a man who would seem to really want to be married. _ i met him through an internet friend of mine who ended up not feeling connected with him. _ he was all upset and used to cry on my shoulder online when she broke up with him. _ i felt sorry for him, and tried to cheer him up. _ i knew what it was like to feel down and as i said i was very sensitive and vulnerable at the time because i was living with a disability and was always a compassionate person anyway. but in some ways i think he used this compassionate side of me to pursue me next. but he was irresistible and very romantic and very charming. i resisted him a lot before allowing him into my heart but once i did, he had it surely. _ i am still very much in love with this man and really in the habit of being in touch with him and keep reflecting on all times together.even though he has hurt me to the core in the end. and unless he has me hypnotized, sometimes i can really blame myself for losing him. he makes me feel like i didn't up and leave quickly enough and grab him. but after 1 year into out relationship his did kiss another girl at work, i found out, and he said it was because he thought we weren't getting along. _ but again, he didn't say to me "i am tempted to be with someone else because we are not getting along" and in turn, give me a chance to protect my heart. _instead, he seemed to see being truthful as not disclosing everything. _ (and that wasnt "lying"). anyway........he always blamed me for his drifting.....or longing because i didn't act like i trusted him, or was still not moved out of my situation, and living with him. _ so i blamed myself too. _ because i tried to see things from his point of view. _ anyway..after i found those letters on my to visit him, he apologized and begged me to forgive him and said it was because he was lonely and it was a sexual fantasy ...he didn't really want these woman and was glad i found the letters because he wanted to end it with the woman in prison. so when she called the house he told her in front of me he had someone and it was over. he acted shaky and tearful and kept telling me he loved me and promised as long as i gave him this one chance and forgave him he would NEVER do that to me and us again. i asked him if he felt he could trust me since i found and read these letters and if he could live with what i had done and forgive me. he said yes and that he understood. and he was begging me and seemed very sincere._ so i stayed with him on that trip and got through that ordeal. _ i did tell him i wanted him tested for diseases because i didn't know what to think anymore. was there any physical contact? but he swore no._ he said she is in jail and not coming out for a year and he met her through those jail pen pals sites, on the internet and was not with her or the one all the way over in viet nam._i never met her he said. but said he would test anyway, for my peace of mind. that was ironically probably one of the worst and best visits i had with him because he seemed so sincere and wanted to make good for all of this. and said he was glad it was out in the open and knew now after this visit that i was going to leave my ex (note: we were in same house but not together) . he was never more loving, then at the moment he thought he would lose me and seemed so dedicated to getting back on track. he even bought me a cell phone and insisted i could contact him day or night. if i had the time which we don't i would tell you all the things he did while i was on that trip up there;_ just loving all the way. he seemed repent-tive._ hes where i think i made the BIG MISTAKE._ i think i took advantage of his remorsefulness to some degree and i want to know if i did #1._ everytime he had to go somewhere he told me where he was going what he was doing (without my asking him..i didn't ask for that)._ he just did it. _ he wrote me with information about i will be at this friends house call me there here is their number. etc. this went on for 6 weeks after my visit to him. _ but one night, he left a message on my cell phone he was sick and going to sleep. _ i didn't hear that message and when 4 hours passed and i was trying to call him i got nervous. finally i thought back at what he told me while on that visit to him. _ he said "if you ever don't trust me again, break off with me, because i never want to hurt you" ._ so i called him and left messages i was breaking if off "he called me back frantic after the 4 hours, almost crying, leaving me messages saying "please don't break off, didn't you get my message i was sick sleeping"._ and finally even when i did hear the message, i acted like it was a set up and told him i didn't believe it. _ and i even yelled at him. _i regret that now. even though there would be more hurt in the end. did i bring this upon myself? accusing him and yelling at him? the next day we settled it and i didnt break it off but i was snappy at him and questioning him again about the night before. he was with a male friend who heard me yelling on the phone and he got embarrassed i yelled at him and his friend heard._ (but at first he didn't tell me the guy was sitting next to him in the car and heard me)._i know it was a guy i know the friend too. well he got so mad at me. and, for weeks after that barely spoke to me and seemed distance mentally and made all conversations short..etc._ this hurt my heart and i tried to be nice to him and asked him to please be patient with me and to please keep his promise in doing so because that's what he told my on my visit to him when he said he now understood my insecurity and that he was writing to those woman. he swore he would be understanding. but he was still detached mentally and not talkative after i yelled at him and his friend heard that day, and it was scaring me and wearing on me. he just couldnt sem to forgive me. so then i wrote him an email saying i cant go on anymore like this and i was breaking it off because he wouldn't communicate with me and that i thought he needed to figure out what he wanted. and that it was best we didn't talk afterall and not to contact me. _ (till this day i regret writing that letter because i really didn't want to break up with him i just wanted to shock him and wake him up so he would communicate with me and come back to me and treat me like he did on that visit when i saw love in his eyes and he seemed sincere in his wanting to love me and patch things up) _ what he ended up doing devastated me more. _ he wrote to me and said "he was hoping we could remain friends"_ i was an idiot and i was thinking...friends???_ i wanted you to say please lets work this out i want us to still be together "_just friends? We had planned a future together for five years and i was just shy of a few months of being with him permanently. now friends? no saying baby i am still here for us as a life partner? and i even prepared everyone i knew i was leaving to be with him. being with him was the dream i dreamt all this time. _ and after a few days past , i begged him to be more than friends and he said no and i told him he turned my life upside down. _ and now what?_ all i had worked towards is out the window?_ i was to be homeless when leaving my spouse?_ he was the home i was going to in my mind all along. now this? _ to sum it all up heres what happened._ he got cold and more distant and never went back with me._ he started to sell all his dvd's etc._ (they were his prize possessions) ..so i asked him was he seeing anyone or paling to get engaged (this was only 3 months after he wouldn't take me back after this stupid break up) and he denied wanted to get engaged, to anyone and said he didn't want to talk about his love life though, so he never said if he met someone or not, in the 3 months. _ but meanwhile his profile online said in a relationship. . _ but i was afraid to tell him i saw this because i wanted him back but didn't want him thinking i was checking on him. _ sighs. _ then one day when i put his name and a few key words into the internet, i found a profile and a PIC of a girl from the Philippines and she was holding this unually bunny stuffed animal i bought him, when he had surgery. (still 3 months after our break up)._ i hoped this wasn't a girl he met.._ then.......5 months after that, we finally spoke on the phone again and he asked me if i was dating anyone and i asked him if he was. _ he only told me about a girl who was in real estate who he found out was married and wouldn't leave her husband and he didn't want that so he told her no way. and then he said he loved me b4 and still loves me and was sad it didn't work out but that we dont get along. and everything that happened to us was a greek tragedy. the next day he called me again and said it was so nice talking to me he wanted to experience it again. we talk about his hobbies mostly._ and then he kept asking me if i had someone._ i told him there was someone online i gamed with who wanted to date me but i was done with that and that without him, i could_ only seek reconciliation with my husband. i was so afraid to tell him i hadn't slept, ate, cried all the time missed to the very core of my soul, and loved him too._ because even though he said he loved me still...he said it with the emphasis that it couldn't be sort of. _ that we didn't get along, went along with those words. _ and then he sounded like he was typing on the internet, cut me short and was gone. poof. at this point my illness got worse i was getting physically sick missing him._ felt weak and lethargic. i ended up calling him back_ a few days later and broke down and cried. he made a sexual comment like hearing my voice still aroused him ...sighs. and he said not be ashamed that i was crying and to think of all the times he made a fool of himself. _ he tried to make it a joke. but he started getting uncomfortable and ended the conversation fast and acted like. "why was i so upset"._ this clearly didn't mean as much to him as me. _ ok fast forward here.............it was a total of 7 months after our break up and i write his mom to say hi and she says he's in the Philippines engaged to a girl there. the bottom line it is the same game in the pic with the stuffed animal. _ its 5 months later they are still engaged. _ she's waiting on a visa to come into this country. _ the last time he and i spoke he made it clear to me he was only talking to me to clear up our business. _ he had some things of mine i had some things of his (he wanted the cell phone back he bought me). plus i gave hi money once while they were talking and i didn't know it after our break up because he called saying he needed money once. _ i know he sounds like a jerk. _ but i need an objective opinion. _ i finally did NC (no contact) and stopped talking to him because he said he couldn't afford to talk to me and be my friend she wouldn't like it. because one day i called him crying why couldn't he at least be civil and be my friend, i was always there for him, and why couldn't he just say hi and good-bye once in a great while. but he didn't want any part of that. so even when he mailed my stuff back i didn't even say thank you because he kept acting like he wanted no contact and i didn't want him thinking i was saying thank you to spark up contact again. he also 1 year ago the break up time) blocked him name on the buddylist._ now out of the blue 2 months later with NC on either end, his name popped up and he instant messaged me saying:_ "ok you're still alive. _ that's a good thing to know"._____ i didn't respond because he's always made me fearful of doing or saying the wrong thing and he's hurt me so much i don't know how to respond. _ but i will tell you i have missed him a lot and still feel the love and life without his presence i was used to for 5 years has seemed dreary and sad. i am homebound a lot and have missed the correspondance._ but it all seems so hopeless. _ my question is ...what do i say back. _ i don't want anymore wars...just peace and maybe some closure. _ a simple response that wouldn't compromise anymore of my human dignity. thank you. Ps why is he contacting me now? i think he sees me on another name and isp we both use online and maybe hes just trying to act like he doesnt see my mane there and is only finally seeing it now that he reactivated this old account or re-exposed it to me. so maybe hes trying to say...oh now i see you. you are alive and pretend he doesnt see my name elsewhere? i have no clue after he acted so adament about we talk or be friends to now say anything at all. please advise why he would do that and how should i respond.
Merin Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 This was possibly the longest post I've ever read.. *Ahem* First.. While I understand you're hurt/upset.. I wonder as well how you don't seem to recognize that you too have been very, very selfish.. IMO you've shown ZERO remorse for what YOU did to your Husband, and IMO you've used him (Your Husband) in the worst way. Look at all the effort, time, money, and tears you've put into this other Guy.. even now.. does it ever occur to you what your marriage might have been had you given even 50% of the effort into your Husband as you've put into this other deal? This other Guy.. while he may be a liar, this, that, the other.. IMO he still didn't owe you much.. YOU were married to someone else, YOU lived with another man.. it doesn't matter why you hadn't left your husband or if there was anything going on between the 2 of you.. YOU didn't leave. At this point this other Guy has moved on with his life.. he's engaged to someone else.. Again, I have no idea if you're still married or not.. but regardless it's time to get on with your life and leave this Guy alone. AND IF you are still married to your husband... either get into the marriage with all your heart or get out and stop using him.
bewilderedandhurt Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 thank you for your time and effort getting back to me merlin, i really did lose my way..
BewilderedandHurt Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 by the way i have left him alone quite a while now merin, NC. ty for replying Zack. well hes trying to talk to me on the internet again....dont know what to say to him or if anything should be said at all.. he instant messaged me asking if i still played this game i used to play...like a nintendo game thing. speechless..
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