Friendship in danger!

[Dazedbutnotconfused]

Hi my name is John,

 

I have recently decided to seek out some advice for a problem with a friendship that i don't know how to handle. I am 32 years old and as i have grown older i have seen the majority of my friends get married and have kids. I have had some relationships throughout the years but nothing serious, so i don't know what its like to have kids or be married. The majority of these friends i still talk to frequently but am only able to hang out with or interact with them a couple times a month, they are busy and i understand. It would be wrong of me to hold it against them, i know they make time for me when they are able to. These friendships range from people i have known my entire life to friends of 5-10 years. It has been difficult for me to make new friends over the last 5 years. I struggle with major depression, anxiety and I'm an active alcoholic. I have made some new friends but not many.

 

Which brings me to my one friend in particular. We have been friends just shy of 10 years. Before he met his wife a few years ago we were best friends. We have a lot of stuff in common and to this day have never even got in any sort of argument or disagreement with each other. We both have anxiety problems and are very calm people, you could probably even call us dull personalities. We work in the same profession and enjoy nearly identical hobbies and activities.

 

So now i will talk about his wife. She is the type of person that must have constant acknowledgement of her presence at all times. She embodies the definition of a sociopath. She has cheated on him at least twice that he knows about, driven all his other friends away, caused them to struggle financially because of her drug addiction, used drugs during her second pregnancy which is most likely the cause of that child's birth defects, and assaulted him many times (She has 2 different domestic violence charges on her criminal record, both of them including the charge of doing it front of their children). She is just a crazy horrible person. He has left her and took the kids a couple different times but always goes back to her in the best interest of his kids (or so he thinks). Now i won't go so far as to say I hate her, because i am able to get along with her but it takes a major effort on my part (I could be a Hollywood actor i swear!). Almost all of the friends we had in common are no longer friends with him because she is just too much to deal with. I guess the friendship was not worth it to them, and i don't blame them. Part of it is because they would actually tell her what they thought about a particular issue or let her know how they felt, she is incapable of taking any criticism without losing her marbles so this was the most common way someone would stop being friends with him. Also his entire family hates her!

 

I generally don't go over there unless i have some marijuana or alcohol to share with her. I feel like i need to give her an incentive for "allowing me" to "come over and play". Also if i get her high she may leave us alone for a few minutes. When i am over there she is usually trying to start a fight with him about something or ignoring the kids forcing him to do all the work to take care of them (ages 1, 3, and 9 and neither one of them are very good parents in my opinion, they don't discipline their kids, so often times they are completely out of control and require constant attention) or she makes it impossible for us to have a conversation or interact with each other because she wants to talk about herself. She also has no issue with starting a major fight with him while I'm over there, which usually ends with her screaming, i will usually leave when this happens. So she makes it extremely difficult to enjoy my time over there but i still do it because me and him are such good friends and the hardships are worth it for me. Also i feel if i stopped coming over he would become very depressed because he doesn't have other friends and would rightfully blame it on her, but I'm afraid of this causing more problems with their marriage. This would also break their kids hearts because they get really happy and excited when I am around, I am pretty much an uncle to them.

 

Occasionally i am able to get him to come to my place but usually it requires him bringing his 3yo daughter with him which i am perfectly okay with, i love his kids and they love me because i will play and interact with them, its not uncommon for them to cry when i leave their house or they leave my house. But like i said earlier she requires constant attention because she is wild and has a hearing disability. So for us to be able to sit down and play a game or watch a movie is challenging. Also when he does come over his wife starts blowing up his phone within an hour demanding he come back home for whatever reason. As if taking care of an infant and 9 year old is too much for her.

 

So basically he is never able to go anywhere without at least his 3 year old daughter and even then he can only do that a couple times a month. She constantly complains that he doesn't do enough to take care of the kids, which from what i see is the complete opposite, she of course is always the victim. Now i know i may not understand the whole story, but i think i have a good enough picture of their day to day life to be comfortable with my opinion.

 

Lately i have been getting really fed up with it and have been close to saying something to her a couple times (Which is totally not me, i actually have a fear of confrontation). But i feel like I am in a lose-lose situation here. The way i see it my options are:

 

1. Tell my best friend that I (his only friend) can't be friends with him anymore because of his wife. This would most likely cause major turmoil in their marriage and i would feel responsible.

 

2. Stop going over to their house completely and tell him he cannot bring his phone when he comes to my house. This would most likely cause major turmoil in their marriage and i would feel responsible.

 

3. Confront her about the issues i have with her. This would be very difficult for me because I fear confrontation. I highly doubt i would be able to reason with her anyways. This would also likely cause major turmoil in their marriage and i would feel responsible.

 

4. Continue on the path that i have been at the expense of my own nerves and hope that he leaves her again without my influence (I know that sounds horrible).

 

I just care a lot about him and his kids and i don't want to do anything that would cause turmoil in their lives. Everyone needs a friend.

 

Anyways, if anybody has a similar experience or professional advice i would be very grateful if you could share it with me. I took a lot of time to compose this post and feel i provided as many details as i can but if you feel i may have left out something or have a question please let me know!

 

Thank you,

John

Edited April 2, 2016 by Dazedbutnotconfused

[basil67]

What about option 5:

 

Go to AA or rehab. Tell them that as much as you care about them, you need to stay amongst people who are clean living for the sake of your own sobriety.

 

This way you sort yourself out and extricate yourself from their lives without being the bad guy. Win/win

[Dazedbutnotconfused]

I included the information about me being an alcoholic because together with my anxiety and overall shyness it makes it difficult to meet new people. I was attempting to explain why i value the friendships i already have so much, because it is very difficult for me to replace them with new friends.

 

I think this is actually the reason why some people often throw friendships away for next to no reason is because they are social individuals and know that they can get more friends anytime they want which results in less value of their current friendships. This is what i would call a shallow individual and the world is full of them.

 

My addiction doesn't have much to do with this particular friendship. Its not like i go over there and get smashed, 90% of the drinking i do i do alone in my own home.

[preraph]

I agree with Basil. The obvious answer is for you to address your own problems first before trying to address theirs. AA would solve a lot of issues for you. It would put you in amidst new friends immediately. It would give you all the reason you need to not hang around other users (them). And hopefully, it would give you the understanding that they also need to address their substance abuse problems before any positive changes will happen.

 

I do have friends that have abandoned me because they had kids. I had one whose husband got sloppy drunk anytime I came to visit her, which only happened about once a year because I lived out of town, and wouldn't leave us alone. My best friend now lives a bike ride away, but I am lucky if I get to see her every three months because she lets her kids totally call the shots and is their taxi and they decide how to spend what little money she has. Her husband has social anxiety and hates visitors, and she needs to divorce him but because she's let the kids run her life, she can't seem to get or hold down a full-time job to save money to do so. So these are not uncommon problems.

 

But the substance abuse trumps it all and may contribute to your friend's wife's physical abuse, especially if she's a meth head or a crackhead or a drunk. And if I may, probably the reason your friend said "for the children" is why he went back, he probably really meant "because I can't take care of them by myself." And those poor children need to be taken out of that household unless one or the other of them gets themselves straightened out, and he's in the better position to do so, but now knows he can't handle the children on his own. But that's their problem. I hope CPS is involved and monitoring them.

 

You need to solve your own problems and get in AA, make new sober friends, people struggling just like you, which gives you a support system. You can participate vocally as much or little as you want. If you just want to sit there, do it. It will enliven your situation immediately and give you some boundaries to follow that you are here asking for.

[Dazedbutnotconfused]

While i do appreciate you two taking the time to respond to me and trying to help i will say that you guys are way off base here.

 

My alcoholism has nothing to do with the issues i am talking about. The idea that just because I'm an alcoholic, means I am incapable of functioning or thinking for myself is out of line. I don't disagree that my alcoholism is something that i need to address but I don't need others telling me that. If i wasn't already accepting its a problem i wouldn't be calling myself an alcoholic would I? I have a great job that i love, I have my own house and have a great relationship with my family and other friends. I rarely drink or am drunk around others. My life is far from a mess as you guys would like to believe. So i am not interested in getting sober at this time, so you all can give up on that right now. The only reason i smoke and drink when i go over there is because its the only thing i have in common with his wife, and since i actually make an effort to get along with her it makes sense. Also this friend is sober (I never said he was an addict, i said SHE was). Unlike myself smoking bud and drinking causes his anxiety to get even worse.

 

Where you guys are wrong is this topic was never about my well being. I talk about that stuff with my therapist i see twice a month. I am looking for advice on how to manage this friendship without damaging their family.

 

But again, thanks for trying anyways.

[nymphetgrown]

I don't think you can manage your relationship with these people without damaging their family. You might love your buddy, but he's chosen a wife who hurts his children and he apparently hasn't got the spine to stick up for the kids. You tell him to take the kids and run, it hurts her. You tell CPS to take the kids, it hurts him. You do nothing, it hurts the kids.

 

Do what you can live with, knowing what you know about the situation.

[basil67]

I included the information about me being an alcoholic because together with my anxiety and overall shyness it makes it difficult to meet new people. I was attempting to explain why i value the friendships i already have so much, because it is very difficult for me to replace them with new friends.

 

I think this is actually the reason why some people often throw friendships away for next to no reason is because they are social individuals and know that they can get more friends anytime they want which results in less value of their current friendships. This is what i would call a shallow individual and the world is full of them.

 

My addiction doesn't have much to do with this particular friendship. Its not like i go over there and get smashed, 90% of the drinking i do i do alone in my own home.

 

Ok, I will write no more about AA. However I will point out that I didn't suggest you are incapable of taking care of yourself. The idea came about so that you'd have a good, non offensive way to remove them from your life. If you hadn't spent so much time worrying about things being your fault, I would have made a different suggestion.

 

Anyway, it's completely normal for friends to come and go in our lives as our priorities change. It's now shallow to want friends who mesh with our changing phases of life.

 

Think about a young couple who have babies. They won't be able to join all the clubbing trips anymore and will find themselves becoming more closely integrated with other people who also have family priorities.