She's been cheated on previously

[FlipMonkey]

I've been dating a wonderful woman for about 5 months now. With the things I've gone through recently with a break-up last year, she's been great in helping me move on, re-discover myself and help me achieve goals I had set for myself. In a way, we've been supporting each other in our own personal growth as we find our way into a new, more mature relationship.

 

She's been cheated on by a couple of ex-boyfriends, and have also had a couple leave her for other woman. She did take a year or two break from dating to work on herself, and now she's recently back into dating, and we found each other. I'm looking for advice in how to best support her and re-assure her. We don't have massive problems with it, but I know it plays on her mind, and is causing her to open up to me slower than you'd usually expect. She has said a few times that she is worried that I'll replace her.

 

I'm ok with her still working through this, and at the moment I understand where she is coming from, making sure she doesn't get hurt again, and being sure in the relationship.

 

Any advice from people can give in how to re-assure her and support her in growing back into a relationship would be most appreciated! I'm sure a few people have been in this position before, and I guess you'd know what a new partner did for you that made all the difference in your recovery.

 

If of course you have an alternative viewpoint, or warnings about engaging in a relationship with this issue (don't forget I have my own too!), then I'd also be willing to hear them as well - I don't want to waste her or my time if this is something that will ruin a relationship long term.

[yololin]

Just run with it and see what happens. Don't focus and pre-empt something which is, so far, only a mild distraction between you and her. Just be yourself. I think you don't need to act especially carefully or be extra re-assuring. It's her issue to deal to work through. If you try to cure her, she will leave you once she's cured.

[Curiousroxy86]

I've been dating a wonderful woman for about 5 months now. With the things I've gone through recently with a break-up last year, she's been great in helping me move on, re-discover myself and help me achieve goals I had set for myself. In a way, we've been supporting each other in our own personal growth as we find our way into a new, more mature relationship.

 

She's been cheated on by a couple of ex-boyfriends, and have also had a couple leave her for other woman. She did take a year or two break from dating to work on herself, and now she's recently back into dating, and we found each other. I'm looking for advice in how to best support her and re-assure her. We don't have massive problems with it, but I know it plays on her mind, and is causing her to open up to me slower than you'd usually expect. She has said a few times that she is worried that I'll replace her.

 

I'm ok with her still working through this, and at the moment I understand where she is coming from, making sure she doesn't get hurt again, and being sure in the relationship.

 

Any advice from people can give in how to re-assure her and support her in growing back into a relationship would be most appreciated! I'm sure a few people have been in this position before, and I guess you'd know what a new partner did for you that made all the difference in your recovery.

 

If of course you have an alternative viewpoint, or warnings about engaging in a relationship with this issue (don't forget I have my own too!), then I'd also be willing to hear them as well - I don't want to waste her or my time if this is something that will ruin a relationship long term.

 

In my opinion some things that could help reassure: 1) don't try to rush the process of getting her to trust you. Let her come into it on her own. 2) don't cheat lol 3) if and only if you don't mind or have anything to hide and your in a monogamous relationship with this woman then be open with your stuff like your phone. Only if you don't mind and have nothing to hide lol. 4) when your together be loving of course and if your spending some away "check in" by calling and being honest where you are

 

Again do these things if you want to. Men who love and are faithful to their girl usually just automatically do these things because they want to and some woman is not trying to force them to. Show her by actions. Don't say words like "I'll never cheat on you". If a person is not a cheater he or she would simply just show it. Enjoy your relationship and show her by action.

 

As long as your doing this I don't see any reason for her not to trust you. Now if your doing these things and she is arguing and making up things in her head (only if you really are doing these things) then she may never trust you or any man for that matter no matter what you do and you have to decide if your ok with constantly having to deal with trust issues or walk away. Good luck.

Edited April 2, 2016 by Curiousroxy86

[Buddhist]

Any advice from people can give in how to re-assure her and support her in growing back into a relationship would be most appreciated! I'm sure a few people have been in this position before, and I guess you'd know what a new partner did for you that made all the difference in your recovery.

 

You can't do anything about it. She will extend trust at her own pace and to her own level. All you can do is hold positive expectations for the relationship and be who you are. It's nice that you want to fix this, but its internal within her and can't be fixed by you.

 

I'll be honest I don't think anyone gets through life without this experience (being cheated on\left for someone else) at some point. Some people get over it and others hold onto it and let it become a barrier to their future relationships. But its a common experience and pretty inherent in human nature. Giver her time until you lose patience then move on if she never gets there.

[mikeylo]

Trust takes time to build. Don't be secretive and quick to point fingers , just because she had shared her weakness. We all have issues. Be open and things will follow.

[Gaeta]

I have been abandoned with no warning and that has screwed with my head for a long time. My boyfriend noticed a couple of times I made comments like 'maybe you won't be in my life next month'. So lately he started saying things like ' next month we could go to..,' or 'in August when I change job we could....,' and things like that. It's making me feel much better. It gives me a sense of security to hear he is making plans with me a couple of months ahead. I am sure it's something any woman would love to hear when they've been abandoned all of a sudden.

[Cooper04]

I've been dating a wonderful woman for about 5 months now. With the things I've gone through recently with a break-up last year, she's been great in helping me move on, re-discover myself and help me achieve goals I had set for myself. In a way, we've been supporting each other in our own personal growth as we find our way into a new, more mature relationship.

 

She's been cheated on by a couple of ex-boyfriends, and have also had a couple leave her for other woman. She did take a year or two break from dating to work on herself, and now she's recently back into dating, and we found each other. I'm looking for advice in how to best support her and re-assure her. We don't have massive problems with it, but I know it plays on her mind, and is causing her to open up to me slower than you'd usually expect. She has said a few times that she is worried that I'll replace her.

 

I'm ok with her still working through this, and at the moment I understand where she is coming from, making sure she doesn't get hurt again, and being sure in the relationship.

 

Any advice from people can give in how to re-assure her and support her in growing back into a relationship would be most appreciated! I'm sure a few people have been in this position before, and I guess you'd know what a new partner did for you that made all the difference in your recovery.

 

If of course you have an alternative viewpoint, or warnings about engaging in a relationship with this issue (don't forget I have my own too!), then I'd also be willing to hear them as well - I don't want to waste her or my time if this is something that will ruin a relationship long term.

 

 

Just went through a similar thing myself. Her ex cheated, and she was terrified of being hurt again. She could not get herself to open up or commit to me.

Just when I thought things were improving, she broke up with me.

We had a sort of casual yet exclusive thing going, but as soon as that developed into a relationship she panicked and left.

 

So I don't have the magic formula, but like the others are saying, you have to let her proceed at her own pace. The hurt she is feeling is something you can't fix, she needs to deal with that herself.

Keep it calm and casual and don't put any pressure on her.

And I wouldn't talk/re-assure her to much about it, trust is built through actions, not words.

[FlipMonkey]

Thanks all for the great feedback. I'm simply handling it like a normal relationship and not going over the top or anything with re-assuring her - just treating it as much like any other.

 

 

Cooper04, thanks for your experience as well - it's interesting that panicked and left. I think I'll treat myself kindly and well, and simply progress the relationship at a pace that she's comfortable with...