How can a man (or woman) respect the other person if they cheat on their spouse?

[OneLov]

As for affair marriages, meaning marriages that resulted from affairs, their stats are actually quite a bit less.

 

I think stats on infidelity are actually quite unreliable. Most statistics for infidelity are gleaned from questionnaires. Anytime you are asking people to self-report, you must acknowledge the response bias.

 

"Response bias (also called survey bias) is the tendency of a person to answer questions on a survey untruthfully or misleadingly. For example, they may feel pressure to give answers that are socially acceptable."

 

Since infidelity is not socially acceptable and the response bias universal among humans, the statistics are unreliable at best.

[Quiet Storm]

I think there are a lot of people around who are just not very self aware or introspective.

 

They don't think "Is my behavior respectful or loving to my spouse?" They are very "in the moment" and react to situations and circumstances without much thought to consequences or how it will affect those that they love. It's like an automatic conflict avoidance. An out of sight, out of mind kind of thing.

 

For me, I feel like I have a personal responsibility to myself to live my life in line with my own personal values. I want my behavior to reflect the person I strive to be- honest, loyal, thoughtful, respectful, etc.

 

This means that even if a person doesn't deserve my respect or honesty, my personal values still apply. So if my neighbor tosses trash in my yard and steals my newspaper, I'll be annoyed or angry, but I won't let my dog crap on their lawn and swipe the Fed Ex package off their porch.

 

Some people just don't have (or acknowledge) those feelings of personal responsibility. If they feel their spouse is neglecting them, or if they feel bored with marriage, they'll seek to get their own needs met and either justify it or be oblivious to the consequences.

 

They don't have that internal alert that says "Wait. Sexting with other guys is disrespectful to my marriage. Even if I'm lonely or bored, I'm not going to sneak around. I'm not a cheater."

 

They either don't consider it at all, or they have a "what he don't know won't hurt him" mindset.

 

I agree with carhill in that people often compartmentalize and show love and respect to their wife while simultaneously loving and respecting their mistress. I just think a person has to live in some level of denial or cognitive dissonance in order to accomplish that. Because if there is no denial, the behavior cannot be reconciled, as it will cause constant internal turmoil.

 

For example, let's imagine a cheating husband who has a wife and an OW. He tells both that he loves them. Both of them meet his needs in different ways. He knows that his wife would be extremely hurt if she knew he was cheating. He knows his OW would be extremely hurt if she knew he plans to stay married.

 

A personality disordered married guy would not give a thought to the feelings of the wife or the OW. He wouldn't feel any personal responsibility to "be good", nor would be be concerned about the feelings of others. Fortunately, most cheaters are not personality disordered. Most have a conscience and can feel empathy towards others.

 

For most of us, our conscience and consideration for others is like an app running in the background of our minds. If circumstances warrant it, our conscience will come out of sleep mode and alert us with thoughts like "don't do that", "this will break my wife's heart", etc.

 

In order for a person with a conscience and empathy to accomplish cheating, they have to reconcile those feelings so that they can continue their behavior. They want to cheat, but still feel like a "good person". So they will avoid those feelings by pushing them away and denying them, which becomes automatic.

 

It's not that they don't care and it's not that they don't love. They lie to themselves so that they don't have to feel bad about it. They keep doing what feels good, and ignore the guilt and the shame because they have learned to suppress or deactivate the parts of themselves that keep us honest, faithful and respectful.