"Don't contact me again."

[Blanco]

When breaking up, IMO apathy and indifference sends a stronger message, then an emotional "don't ever contact me again," or the like.

 

I understand it though, done it myself.

 

Sometimes I meant it, sometimes I didn't.

 

But in any event, it's an emotional response which reflects hurt and anger.

 

Why give the person you are breaking up with that?

 

Indifference is better.....you no longer care, you don't affect me. I am done, goodbye, good luck with your life, next.

 

JMO.

 

Precisely. I've been in LC or NC with my most recent ex for nearly a year. It's been difficult, not because I feel the need to talk to her, but because I've had to handle my sometimes overwhelming feels of hurt, sadness, and anger over how things unfolded. But in the few instances we've communicated in that time, I have not once conveyed any of this. I've been pleasant, if not emotionally detached and relatively sparse on words.

 

It's difficult, because of course there's plenty I'd love to "tell her off" about, but I realized long ago that it's pointless. Being emotionally open and conveying my feelings got me nowhere during the relationship. She's no longer worthy of having access to those things. She doesn't deserve to know how hurt or angry I have felt about all this at times. She deserves my indifference.

[luluv13]

I had an ex say that to me: "I request that you stop contacting me." It was couched in a devastatingly cold email that left me reeling for months. I had to take his words at face value, and though I struggled for a long time to do so, eventually I accepted that I'd never hear from him and probably never see him again.

 

This I share as an example of how sometimes people slam doors, but it doesn't mean they keep them slammed shut forever. He may mean he doesn't want to hear from you again NOW, but a year or two from now he may not remember even saying or even thinking such a thing.

 

 

The dont contact me could be his protection ie. I dont want to see or hear you cry and its easier for me to push down my guilt and emotion if you just disappear so I don't have to face it or explain my actions.

 

 

This was my experience as well. In my break up, I received a VERY cold email the weekend we broke up as well that pretty much said do not contact me anymore. I was devastated to say the least. The break up was really out of the blue and I was cut off just like that within 24 hours so there was very little feeling of any form of resolutions, lots of unanswered questions, etc. However, after 3 weeks, I sent one last very non-emotional, straight to the point email having to do with some tickets I bought him before we broke up. I had zero expectations that he would acknowledge the contact and I did apologize for contacting him at all. But, he did respond and wanted to be friends. We met a few times after that and he said that cutting me off like that was something he felt he had to do because the emotions were too strong and he thought it would be better for both of us if there wasn't any contact. Granted, he is a very dismissive avoidant attached person. any conflict or high emotions sends him running away so in his case it was definitely a defense. while he needed the radio silence at the time, he didn't mean he wanted it forever.

 

He and I would probably still be trying to be "friends" (i.e. sleeping together) if I hadn't put an end to it. I couldn't handle it emotionally so I told him that I will not try to contact him again. That way, if he ever had a change of heart (which I know he won't), the door would be open to contact me.

 

 

The thing about cold words like, "Don't contact me ever again" is that even if no contact is the ultimate inevitable result of a broken romantic relationship, such words really pack a punch and hurt for a long, long time. Much more so than the fact or the idea of falling out of each others' lives. I remember when my 2007 ex broke up with me, he was unduly angry and mean and I said, "So what are you saying? That you never want to see me again?" and he replied, "Basically, yeah." It hurts just to remember that moment, the way my heart sank and my mouth went slack and dry in disbelief. Those words were like a scarlet letter on my psyche, for a very long time.

 

It's not necessary to hurt anyone with such cruel words. A breakup hurts enough as it is, especially when one person didn't want it, or didn't see it coming.

 

Totally agree.

[JDam]

Wow you must have been *really* hurt and angry! Which turned to "fed up, goodbye, NEXT".

 

Don't know the specifics of your break up, but good for you for never going back!

 

He broke up with me out of the blue and over phone after two years. So yeah, I felt really disrespected and said I want him to get out of my life for good. I also added that it is because I dont think I would bear seeing him with someone new to which he replied Im embarassing myself and that I can block him and do whatever I want. Before he left the door (the BU was over phone but he came to collect his things later that day) he said: "Oh and I will take these books, they are mine, and as for the rest (referring to a few books he gave me) you can sell them but I think they are good books." Soooo.. I guess he was being more emotional yet he was the dumper.

 

I think my reaction to the BU was appropriate. I wanted to be very clear that I do not wish to ever talk to him again after what happened. I probably wasnt clear enough as he contacted me twice after that. At first I also thought that maybe one day we can be friends, maybe one day... But after what he told me after we met up again Im today 100% sure I never want to talk to him again. Im sure all lines of communication are closed. That is why I blocked him because I dont believe he wont be tempted to feed his ego again. As of today its not anger, it is just me being fed up with him to the point I dont want to deal with him at all. I know this for a fact. The relationship is just way too toxic for me to be ever willing to deal with this crap.

[BikerAccnt]

I would take it at face value.

 

I think I also understand why it might be said.

 

Sometimes you say it to protect yourself. For example, you're in a relationship that is toxic "for you." The other person isn't necessarily a bad person, but they are in a place in their life where you can't be. They aren't emotionally available to you. Yet, you still love them. So much it hurts. But you know you have to go because the pain is now outweighing the pleasure.

 

You don't want contact again because, you are afraid you will get "sucked back in", and you know it's somewhere you don't want to go. You'll go back, and things will be the same. It's almost like an addiction, best to avoid the addicting substance.

 

So yeah, anger and hurt sound about right, and those words help to protect the speaker of them.

 

Yep, I've had some experience saying those words...

[HelenaTroy]

I appreciate everyone's input. Before I elaborate any further, I want to add that I have no desire to reconcile with this person as it's clear that we are just not compatible. But I am feeling a bit sad that what I thought was a mutual (though bittersweet) parting was, in fact, rather hostile (at least from his perspective).

 

^^ Can you elaborate on this? So you broke up because he did not feel you were emotionally invested?

 

It's probably more complicated than that (as most break-ups are, I suppose), but yes, that was a primary factor. In a nutshell, we'd only been dating for a few months when we were forced to have to the "Where is this going?" conversation because he is moving for work. Initially we agreed to keep seeing each other casually, but it became clear later that we were developing strong feelings toward each other. He wanted to stop having sex so that the physical aspect of our relationship didn't cloud our judgment and we could work on strengthening our emotional bond before trying an LDR. I disagreed, and we reached an impasse where neither of us was comfortable moving forward unless the other person compromised. The subject of friendship came up during that final conversation, and I told him that I wasn't interested in trying to be friends. It was a protective statement, but after reading some of your replies I understand now how hurtful it must have been for him to hear me say that.

 

I went no contact but ending up missing him terribly. After about a week, I sent a very direct message that said I missed him and would love to hear from him if he felt the same. He wrote back and said that he loved being with me, but in the end he felt like I had just been using him for sex because I didn't want to date him without it and didn't want to be friends after the break-up. That's also when he asked me not to contact him again. I wrote back and said that I would respect his request for no contact moving forward, but that I didn't want my silence to be interpreted as hostile, or as tacit agreement that I had only wanted him for sex, though I also acknowledged that at some level the truth of the matter was not as important as how it made him feel. I told him that as far as I was concerned we had parted amicably and that I wished him well with his upcoming move.

 

HE ended contacting ME the next day, which led to a couple of long conversations about our relationship over the next few days. The final conversation was, unfortunately, NOT very amicable (and again, ended with him asking me not to contact him again). It's been over a month now and I know I should just let it go, but I really wish we could have had a friendlier parting. A break-up do-over, if you will. But I know I would be a fool to break no contact at this point.

[Simon Phoenix]

Breakups aren't meant to be friendly and happy. They don't have to be hostile necessarily, but they aren't supposed to end with a pretty bow on top. There's a line from the 80s movie Cocktail that I agree with "Everything ends badly. Otherwise, it wouldn't end." I think this is pretty much the default summation of most breakups.

 

Continuing to pursue the perfect end will only bring about more hostility.

[katiegrl]

Bottom line is, if you don't want talk to your ex after you break up, just block them!

 

Emotionally or emphatically announcing, "don't contact me"! .... is not necessary. And won't work anyway, as if they want to contact you, they will even though you emotionally demanded that they not. As evidenced by what happened with JDam. He contacted her anyway.

 

It just keeps the drama going. Unnecessary.

 

It is your choice and if you don't want to hear from them... wish them well, say goodbye and just block them.

 

You are the one in control of that, not them.

Edited April 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[JDam]

Well, obviously this is all a matter of opinion. I thought that blocking him would be an overreaction. That is why I said I dont want him to contact me again. He didnt respect that so after the meeting (and subsequent communication) went wrong I blocked him on my phone and email, as well as facebook messenger. I didnt block him on facebook though (removed him from friends after BU because I knew unfollowing him would suffice as I would overanalyze, and I was afraid I would witness he would be in a new relationship soon...) because I think that would be just unnecessary. After a year I dont have the temptation to look at his profile so Im not blocking him. I just disabled all ways he could ever contact me again (obviously except land mail which he also used to contact me the second time).

 

In other words I think blocking someone creates more drama than "dont contact me again". They will always find out they were blocked so I would personally take it as a more dramatic gesture.

[katiegrl]

You might be surprised at how emotionally freeing it is when you block your ex.

 

Whenever a text comes in or a call, no more wondering (or cringing) that it might be him (or her).

 

No more wasting energy wondering if you will ever hear from them again, despite your emotionally demanding that they not.

 

My ex-fiance and I broke up last December (2015). One of the most painful and hurtful experiences in my life!

 

There was no drama (at the end), I simply packed my things, told him I was leaving and why, wished him well and said goodbye.

 

Then I blocked him!

 

I have no idea if he tried to contact me because he was blocked... everywhere -- all social media. Couldn't give a flying fig what he thought about that!

 

How utterly freeing not having to be concerned about ever hearing from him.

 

Anyway, we have never spoken since.

 

Now, nearly four months later, I have moved on and even have a new boyfriend!

 

Just block guys -- it is the best way to move on, if in fact that is what you truly want to do, and don't secretly hope they *do* contact you.

Edited April 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[JDam]

Yes, I absolutely understand what you are saying about being "free" after blocking him. That is just phone and email though. They dont know if they were blocked (unless they try calling you because it keeps telling them you are not available - at least that is how iphones work), but with facebook they do know. Thats why I thought it would be unnecessary drama. He cant messege me there, he can look at my profile (which is basically empty for public), I dont look at his, so I thought there is no need to block him there.

 

But I absolutely understand your point that when you block them on phone you dont have to think about whether they contacted you or not, you dont expect anything anymore etc. It is also good that even if you unblock them their message should not get through... So no curiousity as to whether he contacted you when blocked etc.

[Lifeissomething]

I think it's contextual, but can avoid being said with proper actions and time--ie. if you are distant, avoid the person, keep your response to their solicitations short with now 'I'm so happy to be talking to you qualities' if you decide to respond--the person usually gets the situation as a whole.

 

With that, I did have to forcefully tell my recent ex to basically never contact me again (and that she was dead to me). I was clear when she dumped me that I didn't want friends or anymore real contact, for my sake to heal. She said some pretty horrible things during the 'surprise' breakup, while I did not. Damn right she should feel guilty, I didn't lower myself to her level and she should absolutely have regrets, but that's on her to deal with.

 

For her own selfish reasons (guilt, pride, not being able to handle the thought of someone disliking her) she continued pushing which only set me back. No matter how many meaningless texts I ignored, or attempts to talk (we work together), or how short I was (but polite) during her attempts to talk, she just kept pressing. Sending pointless texts, coming to my office to 'chat', heck even trying to be flirty at times--This made the post-breakup horrible, and a many nights I felt the breakup healing process was taking 20 steps back. I was well aware of her game, and that if this continued I wouldn't be able to properly heal. Also, I was dreading the moment I found out she had someone new--out of sight, out of mind.

 

Finally I did tell her to stop, leave me alone, to read between the lines and stop contacting me unless absolutely necessary (which really wouldn't be a situation as our work doesn't overlap, nor do our personal lives). Do I regret having to be so cold? Not really, it had to be done. Do I wish she would contact me? Not at all.

[katiegrl]

Yes, I absolutely understand what you are saying about being "free" after blocking him. That is just phone and email though. They dont know if they were blocked (unless they try calling you because it keeps telling them you are not available - at least that is how iphones work), but with facebook they do know. Thats why I thought it would be unnecessary drama. He cant messege me there, he can look at my profile (which is basically empty for public), I dont look at his, so I thought there is no need to block him there.

 

But I absolutely understand your point that when you block them on phone you dont have to think about whether they contacted you or not, you dont expect anything anymore etc. It is also good that even if you unblock them their message should not get through... So no curiousity as to whether he contacted you when blocked etc.

 

JDam, I modified my post, but I blocked him everywhere -- all social media.

 

I basically allowed him no access to me at all... and did not care how he felt about that.

 

His feelings were not my concern, mine were. And knowing I needed to do whatever I could to move on.

 

He doesn't know where I live either...

 

Anyhoo, you did what was best for you JD, and like I said, I am glad to hear you never went back!

 

So many people do, and these dysfunctional relationships end up going back and forth for years!

 

They go no contact, but then their ex makes contact after a few weeks or months, and they'te right back where they started. As the above poster stated, every time he heard from his ex, it set him back. Not good!

 

Had they blocked the person, that never would have happened.

 

Reading this board though, I have learned that there are many people who, after breaking up, DO want to leave the lines of communication open, so they hesitate to block.

 

Personally I think that is a mistake, but to each his own I guess.

Edited April 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

I think it's contextual, but can avoid being said with proper actions and time--ie. if you are distant, avoid the person, keep your response to their solicitations short with now 'I'm so happy to be talking to you qualities' if you decide to respond--the person usually gets the situation as a whole.

 

With that, I did have to forcefully tell my recent ex to basically never contact me again (and that she was dead to me). I was clear when she dumped me that I didn't want friends or anymore real contact, for my sake to heal. She said some pretty horrible things during the 'surprise' breakup, while I did not. Damn right she should feel guilty, I didn't lower myself to her level and she should absolutely have regrets, but that's on her to deal with.

 

For her own selfish reasons (guilt, pride, not being able to handle the thought of someone disliking her) she continued pushing which only set me back. No matter how many meaningless texts I ignored, or attempts to talk (we work together), or how short I was (but polite) during her attempts to talk, she just kept pressing. Sending pointless texts, coming to my office to 'chat', heck even trying to be flirty at times--This made the post-breakup horrible, and a many nights I felt the breakup healing process was taking 20 steps back. I was well aware of her game, and that if this continued I wouldn't be able to properly heal. Also, I was dreading the moment I found out she had someone new--out of sight, out of mind.

 

Finally I did tell her to stop, leave me alone, to read between the lines and stop contacting me unless absolutely necessary (which really wouldn't be a situation as our work doesn't overlap, nor do our personal lives). Do I regret having to be so cold? Not really, it had to be done. Do I wish she would contact me? Not at all.

 

Why didn't you just block her?

[Lifeissomething]

Why didn't you just block her?

 

Clearly you missed where I wrote I have to work with her Mon-Fri. How does blocking help/apply in real life?

 

Might help to read posts fully before commenting. Not trying to be rude.

 

But yes, I did block her on all social media. I guess I could have blocked her number. But I just chose to just ignore her texts--tomato tomaahto.

[katiegrl]

Clearly you missed where I wrote I have to work with her Mon-Fri. How does blocking help/apply in real life?

 

Might help to read posts fully before commenting. Not trying to be rude.

 

But yes, I did block her on all social media. I guess I could have blocked her number. But I just chose to just ignore her texts--tomato tomaahto.

 

Yeah well that *was* rude, and not necessary.

 

I do read posts, but thanks for the advice anyway!

 

So what if you have to work with her, blocking would have avoided your having to read her texts at least.... since you DID say receiving them (even though you ignored) set you back (along with other things).

 

A lot more effective than emotionally demanding she stop contacting you... which puts the onus on her, and makes you look weak... rather than *you* taking control and just blocking... which shows strength.

 

At work, you keep it strictly professional.

 

Whatever dude.. Best of luck moving forward!

Edited April 3, 2016 by katiegrl