stardust87 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 Hi, I would like to seek your advice/opinion how to deal with my situation (and thank you for reading this!). My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now (I'm 29 and he's 32). He's a good person, loving and kind and although the primary force in his life is his work, I do not doubt that he loves me. However, his work is demanding (he works from 9am till 10/11pm most days) and since he works in music/advertising industry, this entails drinking when the clock steps on 10pm every night. Very often, they will wrap up work but will continue drinking till 3 in the morning. Today, he passed out in the studio and I didn't have any idea until 8am. So I was very upset at him, because said (a) he'll be home by midnight (b) he didn't tell me that they are going to be drinking after work © I had no clue he's still there at 8am! Am I being controlling? I *do* want him to be home at a decent hour (and the decent hour is 12am). He gets mad at me for putting a 'curfew' on him, he says he's a full-grown adult and he is entitled to make decisions as he well damn pleases. I agree with this though -- he can do whatever he well damn pleases because he's an adult. But I worry -- this type of lifestyle is not healthy. This is my primary concern. I want to spend a future with him where we are both healthy and happy. And these sleepless, drink-fueled nights are almost a confirmation that we won't have that. He knows this, he said he knows I'm just worried about him but he is still entitled to make his own decisions and face the consequences of his actions, whatever they may be. So I find this very heartbreaking, because he can't ease up on the drinking or the not sleeping. And this happens almost every weekday (ironically, weekends are calmer for us since we mostly spend them together). What should I do? Is there a way for me to change his habits? Or should I just accept that things are never going to change?
Spikiera Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 No, you guys are in a relationship so he should not be entitled to make decisions as he well damn pleases. He should consider your feelings too. I do not feel that you are unreasonable about the situation because you worry about his health. There is nothing wrong with it. And if you are looking for a life long partner, his life style is definitely not good for it. Now, if the way you convey your point is immature and finger pointing, then this may be the reason he got mad. I don't know the whole story but I assume you know how to properly communicate. My advise is: talk to him again, communicate like real adults. If he still gets mad and will not accept your suggestions, then think about walking away, because he will not change and it is not worth it. 2
preraph Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I was in the music industry for 20 years, and I too had many, many late nights. I only started slowing down as I approached 40 and began picking and choosing my poisons. During that time, me and other women in the industry found that it was nearly impossible to date someone not in the industry because they simply didn't understand. For me, that was living my dream, a dream I'd held since I was 16. I was being paid to do something I'd have done for free if that's what it took. You should have the option of going to some of this stuff with him. If I were you, I'd go occasionally, when it's appropriate (you'll have to tell him to invite you when appropriate) just so you can see what goes on and get a whiff if he's got anyone he's interested in or vice versa. By being visible, that might make any potential interlopers back off. You need to be seen as supportive and the cool GF, not the one that he tells people doesn't want to go out and nags him, or you will set him up to be stolen from you. And make sure whoever his boss is really likes you. That could keep him in line too. I know you're more worried about the unhealthy lifestyle, and yes, that is justified. But opportunities to cheat can be plentiful if your man is halfway attractive because he is in a position to do girls favors. If he's really into it, he very well might choose it over a happy partner. I would have. I was having too much fun to let anyone quelch that. Sorry, I know it's not what you wanted to hear. Just be visible, get to know that circle, and that's your best strategy. Get people on your side. Maybe some good ol boy who's encouraging him to party until he pukes will decide you're too nice a lady to do that to your BF and lay off. 5
d0nnivain Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 He is making certain choices. You don't agree with them but you don't have the ability to persuade him to make different choices. So it's a package deal. You either have to accept that he will always do this or you need to vote with your feet. 7
Curiousroxy86 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 Hi, I would like to seek your advice/opinion how to deal with my situation (and thank you for reading this!). My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now (I'm 29 and he's 32). He's a good person, loving and kind and although the primary force in his life is his work, I do not doubt that he loves me. However, his work is demanding (he works from 9am till 10/11pm most days) and since he works in music/advertising industry, this entails drinking when the clock steps on 10pm every night. Very often, they will wrap up work but will continue drinking till 3 in the morning. Today, he passed out in the studio and I didn't have any idea until 8am. So I was very upset at him, because said (a) he'll be home by midnight (b) he didn't tell me that they are going to be drinking after work © I had no clue he's still there at 8am! Am I being controlling? I *do* want him to be home at a decent hour (and the decent hour is 12am). He gets mad at me for putting a 'curfew' on him, he says he's a full-grown adult and he is entitled to make decisions as he well damn pleases. I agree with this though -- he can do whatever he well damn pleases because he's an adult. But I worry -- this type of lifestyle is not healthy. This is my primary concern. I want to spend a future with him where we are both healthy and happy. And these sleepless, drink-fueled nights are almost a confirmation that we won't have that. He knows this, he said he knows I'm just worried about him but he is still entitled to make his own decisions and face the consequences of his actions, whatever they may be. So I find this very heartbreaking, because he can't ease up on the drinking or the not sleeping. And this happens almost every weekday (ironically, weekends are calmer for us since we mostly spend them together). What should I do? Is there a way for me to change his habits? Or should I just accept that things are never going to change? He is showing you who he is. Believe it. Either accept it or leave him. Only people who want to change find a way to change. Can't make a man do what he doesn't want to do 3
smackie9 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I get it's a "lifestyle" but there comes a time to figure out your priorities and grow up. At 32 years old, drinking every night to the point of passing out.... Either you put up with it, or walk out. 3
katiegrl Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I am surprised no one has mentioned the possibility of another woman being involved in this scenario. I mean, okay he and his work comrades stay and drink till 3:00 am....but to not come home until 8:00 a.m. without so much as a text msg letting you know? Oh sorry, he said he "passed out." Sure, whatever. I am glad you trust him, but frankly I would definitely be wondering about this myself.... especially since you said (in your title) that he does this almost every night? Hmmm ..... something's not quite jiving there. 5
S_A Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I get it's a "lifestyle" but there comes a time to figure out your priorities and grow up. At 32 years old, drinking every night to the point of passing out.... Either you put up with it, or walk out. It's the music industry tho. That's how grown-ups in that industry are. 1
basil67 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 Your expectations are not unreasonable. I wouldn't have lasted very long with him at all. However, you cannot change him - nor can you put a curfew on him because a) it's fruitless and b) it's controlling. What you can do is decide whether or not it's acceptable to you and as D0nnivain says, vote with your feet. 2
Author stardust87 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 No we don't live together. Still though, I like to know of his whereabouts, especially regarding to his drinking. And thank you everyone for responding. But, the thing is -- he is a very good man. Good, in a sense that he has a clearly defined moral compass. He is kind to me and other people. And I really feel like he does love me, he is sweet and attentive. I do not doubt his faithfulness either. And good men are hard to come by, no? Good men are far and few in between. If I'll take out the drinking/late nights out of the equation, he is almost everything I can ask for. I am deeply in love with him. My friends and family adore him. So it's very heartbreaking and hard for me to decide to just walk away. How does one know when to fight for a compromise or throw the towel in?
Curiousroxy86 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 No we don't live together. Still though, I like to know of his whereabouts, especially regarding to his drinking. And thank you everyone for responding. But, the thing is -- he is a very good man. Good, in a sense that he has a clearly defined moral compass. He is kind to me and other people. And I really feel like he does love me, he is sweet and attentive. I do not doubt his faithfulness either. And good men are hard to come by, no? Good men are far and few in between. If I'll take out the drinking/late nights out of the equation, he is almost everything I can ask for. I am deeply in love with him. My friends and family adore him. So it's very heartbreaking and hard for me to decide to just walk away. How does one know when to fight for a compromise or throw the towel in? Lol there's always that one thing about a guy that is flawed. Heck there's one thing about everybody that is flawed because we are fallible people no one is perfect but the one flaw has to be considered when we to talk about relationships. If you can accept that flaw he has the by all means stick around. However your going to drive yourself crazy trying to change him. You can't change him. He knows you don't like it yet he made it clear he is going to do whatever he wants. So now what are you going to do? That was rhetorical by the way. 1
Arieswoman Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 Stardust87, Or should I just accept that things are never going to change? You've accepted this for 2 years, so he feels no need to change. If it's his job then that's the way it is. So it's up to you if you want to stay or go. Sorry x 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 He is making it crystal-clear that he's not interested in changing, and he's showing you where his priorities are - and your feelings are not on that list. You have the power now to decide that you are okay with this, which I sure as heck would not be. Or, you can show him you don't accept it and walk. Who is he with every night until the wee hours? Have you met his coworkers? Are you sure it's only alcohol he's using? Have you been able to verify that this is where he really is? Are you ever invited to join in? These are legitimate questions you need to get to the bottom of, given his recent behaviour. I had an ex who also worked in a demanding industry that often involved late nights out drinking with coworkers after-hours. He too was whom everyone would have considered a "good man." I came to find out there was another reason he was staying out a lot and basically letting the relationship fall apart. And that reason was his co-worker. To say I was shocked was an understatement. My experience isn't necessarily the same as yours, and there in fact might not be anyone else involved. But I would seriously be suspicious of anyone in a relationship that stays out drinking into the early morning 5 out of 7 nights of the week. Your guy is either developing an alcohol habit or there's more to the story you don't know. 4
Els Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I do think it was probably excessive to state that you expected him to be back at '12am or else'. "Curfews" like that are best left for parents with teenagers. That being said, it's completely understandable and within your rights to be upset with him staying out so late so often. Heck I wouldn't put up with it either. But rather than state a particular time you 'expect' him to be home, I think you should approach it by saying that you can't envision a future with someone who is out late 5/7 nights of the week. And if he is completely unwilling to change even the slightest bit, be prepared to leave. 2
elaine567 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I know you're more worried about the unhealthy lifestyle, and yes, that is justified. But opportunities to cheat can be plentiful if your man is halfway attractive because he is in a position to do girls favors. I am surprised no one has mentioned the possibility of another woman being involved in this scenario. Preraph did and I agree, a woman in the mix would definitely explain the defensive attitude he showed when questioned about the hours he is keeping. If he is actually going to be drinking till he drops every night, then he has another problem and whilst that may be "normal" in the music industry it doesn't translate well into normal life as the OP is finding out. 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I do think it was probably excessive to state that you expected him to be back at '12am or else'. "Curfews" like that are best left for parents with teenagers. That being said, it's completely understandable and within your rights to be upset with him staying out so late so often. Heck I wouldn't put up with it either. But rather than state a particular time you 'expect' him to be home, I think you should approach it by saying that you can't envision a future with someone who is out late 5/7 nights of the week. And if he is completely unwilling to change even the slightest bit, be prepared to leave. I too don't like the ultimatum approach. A) you come off like a mom and who wants to be in a romantic relationship with mommy. B) men do what they want to do anyway. So if you can't except the stayin out drinking thing (which if I were you I wouldn't either) then like someone else said in this forum talk with your feet. I would be like "honey I understand you love your job and I'm happy for you and I want your business to succeed, but I will not be in a relationship with a man who drinks and stay out all night". Let him respond how he want to respond. Don't tell him what to do. Just announce what your not going to do. If he does it again. Politely leave without drama. No fighting. No argument. No being demanding. 3
d0nnivain Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 How does one know when to fight for a compromise or throw the towel in? You never FIGHT for a compromise. Upon hearing your concerns, a good partner will offer a compromise. Your guy, no matter how otherwise good, did not change his behavior or offer to. His behavior and lack of willingness to take your concerns seriously indicates that he doesn't give them or you much weight. Thus you either have to accept that this is how it will be or you have to "throw in the towel." 6
smackie9 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 It's the music industry tho. That's how grown-ups in that industry are. My husband was in the industry for years as a drummer. Yes there were nights he would drink til 3am, but not every damn night to the point of passing out and not knowing what time it was.
preraph Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 Honestly, it's just part of his job, but does that mean women aren't involved. Noooooooo. When I was in the business, back when it was really booming, labels had "party girls" that were basically call girls who got paid with free dinners and free music and concerts. I hope it's not quite that way today, but deep down, I know it is. Of course, those are reserved for the clients and the label guys who are all pals with each other. So yours is in advertising. Maybe he doesn't get the perks unless he's buddies with the perkholder. They actually brought one of the girls to work in our office (not the same company). I got to know her. She was regularly having sex with one of the label guys, who was married, and she was trotted out as a party girl when bands were in town to go to the promo parties and entertain them if they wanted. Most band guys can fend for themselves quite nicely -- which is why I always thought it was really WAY more for the label guys, because band dudes aren't exactly hard up needing women. Because the industry is less centralized and physical these days, I hope some of this has gone by the wayside. I know our partying got cut back by half the year the IRS said you could only write off 50% of entertainment expenses. A guy I loved was also in the business and it should be said that he was a good guy, but he ended up dating one of those label-paid call girls because he was too naive to know that's what she was and thought a label guy just introduced him to a nice girl. I remember him telling me (after his first divorce) "she was just so easy to be with, no pressure," and she actually cooked him dinner too, all paid for by the label. I figured it out almost immediately because I'd seen her backstage and her behavior, but it took him a long time, and then he was embarrassed. Now, he was not a faithful type single, and I can't be sure if he is married, but he seems like a good husband and father, and I still like him as a person. But in a position of power, most men I knew in that industry could and did take advantage of their power to get sex. They'd give girls free music or whatever. There were always girls wanting access to the bands, and some of them would do anything to get it. And now there's interns. So there will always be temptations, whether he is looking for them or not. Not everyone will act on them, but collectively over the years, nearly all I know did at one time or another.
preraph Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 P.S. He can't be home by midnight. The headlining bands at clubs don't START until midnight.
katiegrl Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 P.S. He can't be home by midnight. The headlining bands at clubs don't START until midnight. Wonder what OP's bf does exactly. She said his normal work hours are 9:00 a.m - 10-11:00 p.m. So he may not be involved in the headlining bands aspect of it.
preraph Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 ^ Yeah, but my hours were 9:00 - 6:00, but then there were nearly always concerts and promotional parties throughout the week. Plus I had to stay "on the street" so I'd know my business. Half the industry is about schmoozing. I didn't like schmoozing. I liked seeing the bands, not most of the business people. But I had to do it. To me, first impression, is he's into the schmoozing with everyone and taking every opportunity to do so because he finds it fun, and it's probably benefiting his career. I remember as I was getting tired of all the afterwork stuff, I was in the middle of trying to move apartments. I needed to spray everything for roaches while packing it so I didn't bring them with me to the new place. So I had a nasty night ahead of me and had refused to go to dinner with the label and one of their old bands who wasn't to my taste anyway. But they wouldn't take no for an answer and actually had the band call me at home and beg me to go, even saying they'd help me pack if I did. So I cleaned up and went. I had a great time, but no packing got done that night. It's a lot of pressure sometimes. And I was the label's client, not with a label at that time, but a buyer. So that was them being nice to me, not bossing me around -- and it was still a lot of pressure.
basil67 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 You don't live together? OK, that changes my response 100%. It's not like you're at home waiting up for him, so I don't see why he should change his hours. However, I would suggest that you don't move in with him while he has this lifestyle. Frankly, in this situation you have zero right to ask him to curtail his hours.
smackie9 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I know section players, sound dudes, etc.....the days of partying like a rock star are not like they were back in the day. Drug addiction and all the other crap, big business won't tolerate it anymore....it all business/professionalism, legal obligations. He's staying behind for himself, and to party....he isn't furthering his career.
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