Savannah Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 After I moved out of my boyfriends' house, he began to buy posters of naked women and put them up on his walls, he also went to the strip club for his brother's birthday and got a free porn with his lap dance. He kept it and watches it now. It's just not like him. There is only one picture of me at his house, but four pictures of naked girls. Why?
ConfusedInOC Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by Savannah After I moved out of my boyfriends' house, he began to buy posters of naked women and put them up on his walls, he also went to the strip club for his brother's birthday and got a free porn with his lap dance. He kept it and watches it now. It's just not like him. There is only one picture of me at his house, but four pictures of naked girls. Why? 1. He thinks it's cool. 2. He has hormones thus, 3. He's a horndog. My guess is he's between 18-30. Am I right?! What do I win?!
Author Savannah Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 Yes he just turned 21. It just doesn't make me feel good that other people tell me I am beautiful more than he does. And then I see these women on the walls of the room that we make love, they look nothing like me, so if he thinks that is beautiful, why me?
ConfusedInOC Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by Savannah Yes he just turned 21. It just doesn't make me feel good that other people tell me I am beautiful more than he does. And then I see these women on the walls of the room that we make love, they look nothing like me, so if he thinks that is beautiful, why me? A: This is typical behavior for a 21 year old. B: He enjoys living in fantasy-land. C: If it bothers you, set a boundary with him: "I don't like the porn/posters. Get rid of them or I won't come to visit you here." The point is, if something bothers you and you don't express it to him (it's called: COMMUNICATION) then don't expect him to read your mind. By not addressing the issue you're basically saying to him "This is acceptable behavior." One of the best ways to set boundaries is to ask yourself the "Second Date" question. "Would I allow this type of behavior on a second date?" If the answer is no, then set your boundary and make sure there are repercussions for him crossing them. Sounds like to me at least that you don't like the porn (and perhaps it's making you a bit insecure) but trust me that he's acting like a typical 21 year old. At your age, finding another guy is pretty easy. You wouldn't be losing much if you left him for a guy that isn't such a horndog. Just my $0.02.
noname Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by Savannah Yes he just turned 21. It just doesn't make me feel good that other people tell me I am beautiful more than he does. And then I see these women on the walls of the room that we make love, they look nothing like me, so if he thinks that is beautiful, why me? this is not a porn problem. it is a communication problem. if you need to hear you are beautiful from him, school him. beauty is relative. it is different for each woman. what is beautiful about one may not translate to the next. i think many women hear they are beautiful a lot more outside than at home because people tell you that when they want to get in your pants... he puts them up because you are open to it. if you express that you would not like to see that stuff when you come over, he will probably take them down. if it bothers you that much. tell him...
Author Savannah Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 I have told him that I don't like them, and he said that if I am insecure it isn't his problem. He said they aren't real, but last night when I stayed over he said "Now it's just you, me, and Katie" (the naked girl on the wall). He also started smoking cigarrettes "every once in a while" which becomes more and more as time goes on. He knows that this is something that I really don't like, but when I said something, he said "I can smoke whenever I want to." What's going on?
ConfusedInOC Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by Savannah I have told him that I don't like them, and he said that if I am insecure it isn't his problem. He said they aren't real, but last night when I stayed over he said "Now it's just you, me, and Katie" (the naked girl on the wall). He also started smoking cigarrettes "every once in a while" which becomes more and more as time goes on. He knows that this is something that I really don't like, but when I said something, he said "I can smoke whenever I want to." What's going on? He doesn't respect you. Time to walk away.
Author Savannah Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 the problem is we are still together, which, I also don't understand (it was his idea). Now all of a sudden, he is doing everything that he knows I don't like and throwing it in my face and expects me to be okay with it.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 You say you moved out. What was the reason for you moving out? Was it his idea? Yours? What were the circumstances? What's going on? The balance is tipped more toward his own needs in this relationship, with not as much regard for yours. He is right in that your insecurity is your own problem, but on the other hand - he could at least be willing to hear you out about how you feel, and apparently he isn't. It sounds like he could be growing out of the relationship.
blind_otter Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 He felt like he had to be on his best behavior when you were around all the time. Lots of people go through extreme behavior changes when they are in their early 20s.
Author Savannah Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 Should I give him an ultimatum and say either its this way, or I leave?
Author Savannah Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 it was his idea, he said it had nothing to do with me, it was just something he had to do for himself. but he asks me to stay over every single night, so it's as if i still live there but my things aren't there. it's not just about the sex either, we don't do it every time i stay the night.
westernxer Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by Savannah Should I give him an ultimatum and say either its this way, or I leave? He's not ready to settle down; he's warming up for the wild side.
Bubbles Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 I'm with westernxer on this one honey. He is definatly moving on without you in his life.......and by the way........he left the relationship door open just in case he wants sex. Don't be fooled. See this for what it is.......he did things this way because he is too much of a coward to tell you it's over. He doesn't want to deal with how hurt you will be......as I said, it takes a real cowared to break up with someone like this. If he calls to talk to you it's to see if he can get some. Hang up the phone or don't answer when he calls then sneak over to his place about an hour after.......bet he has someone else with him! 21 is a hormonally driven. Sorry, but I would rather be honest bubbles
Author Savannah Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 this really hurts. do I just end it and see if he comes back? or should I just wait for him to break up with me? I have gone over there unexpectedly and he was just watching tv. Nothing out of the ordinary. I really don't think it's about someone else.
Bubbles Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Savannah, You should do what is right for you but........how long will you wait for him to go through whatever he has to go through. Summer is coming girl. Start thinking! Do you want to spend your summer pining away for him or would'nt you rather spend it being foot loose and fancy free. At his age? There is a 50/50 chance that he will come back. Do what is right for YOURSELF. He has made HIS selfish decision now you need to make YOUR selfish decision. I am sure that there are some handsome fellows out there to take your mind off of Mr. I want you to move out, I'm NOT wearing my promise ring anymore and I would rather look like I am totally single (because that's what I want to be) by putting up LARGE posters of half naked women all over the walls of my place. I can see that this is about independance for him but does he have to prove his independance WITHOUT you? It could very easily be done WITH you too! bubbles
Author Savannah Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 you are completely right, I think it is all about his independence, but I have told him that when you are in a relationship with someone, you are supposed to be able to grow with eachother. I don't want to date anyone else at this point, I'm just not ready, but I am very afraid of loosing him. I wish I could make him realize how much he is hurting me with all of this.
Bubbles Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Savannah, He does already realize how much this is hurting you ....... that's why he left the relationship door open as I have already said to you. I hope you don't think that I am angry with I am saying, I am very straight forward and don't usually beat around the bush. Normally you don't go backwards in a relationship UNLESS you want out of it. That's just the way it goes. IMHO.......don't wait for him to break up with you.........take care of this yourself. Waiting around is only going to be hard on YOU not him. bubbles
Author Savannah Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 that's true, and he really has taken a lot of steps back not only with me, but with his maturity level. Ever since he turned 21 years old. He has been drinking alost everyday, smoking weed a lot more, and smoking cigarrettes every so often. I don't like any of that stuff unless it's in moderation. and right now it certainly isn't. he has pulled the "woe is me" thing a few nights ago, saying that he doesn't deserve me and I need to find someone that will treat me better (he was drunk). But then the next day he totally apologized for everything he said to upset me. I am so confused by the way he is acting.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by Savannah the problem is we are still together, which, I also don't understand (it was his idea). Now all of a sudden, he is doing everything that he knows I don't like and throwing it in my face and expects me to be okay with it. If you respect yourself, you don't let people cross your boundaries without having repercussions. If you don't like it, tell him and he still does it, what doest that say to you?
Author Savannah Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 you are right, and i do voice my opinion of what he is doing. it's just really strange to me that this is all of a sudden. I was really taken by surprise when he asked me to move out.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by Savannah you are right, and i do voice my opinion of what he is doing. it's just really strange to me that this is all of a sudden. I was really taken by surprise when he asked me to move out. Seems to me he's doing whatever he can to try and push you away without being up front and saying it. The question is are you going to accept this behavior and cling on to him or assert your independence and move on? You have all the power. Have some self-respect and don't allow yourself to be put in this situation.
katiebour Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Just some thoughts here: It is my conclusion that most men under the age of 30 aren't ready for a serious relationship. The human brain doesn't even stop developing until the mid-late 20's; until then, people are still growing up. Don't expect adult behavior from a 21-year old- men mature emotionally at a slower rate than women anyway. There's a reason younger women date older men, and it's not money. Secondly, most guys like porn. It comes with the gender. That being said, unless you have some hang-ups about it, it can also be something you can share. A good quality porn can be a steamy addition to your bedroom. Vivid video has come out with some nice ones that pay attention to scenery and setting in addition to the cast and (lack of) plot. Go check out some websites, find a porn that you might like, and watch it with him- I guarantee you won't get through the whole thing in one sitting. As far as the pictures on the wall- my brother did that in high school, too. It's another one of those "I'm an immature young guy who likes to surround myself with pictures of two-dimensional women that I could never have." Eye candy. You could be up-front with him, and ask him how he would feel if you put up posters in your house of buff naked men whose build or attributes he could never match. He might or might not care. Bottom line- he's still young, and he's gonna act like it. Either put up with it, try to understand it, try to make it part of your relationship, or find a different guy. Just a note, though- my attempts to change my partner to suit myself have met with extremely limited success and usually incur resentment. Do you like this guy enough to accept his peccadilloes? If not, then you're probably better moving on anyway.
Author Savannah Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 I am meeting with him today to let him know what bothers me about our relationship and I am going to try to accept the fact that he is trying to display his freedom. But I think out of respect for me, I am going to ask him to move the poster out of the bedroom to the spare bedroom like the other one he has in there or we won't have any sexual encounters in the bedroom. I have asked him how he would feel about me putting up naked pictures of hot guys in my house and he just kind of dodged the question because I think he would have a problem with it buthe knows that it wouldn't be an issue because I don't do that, it just isn't me.
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