Jim nine three Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Hello,I have posted about me and my ex a few times so I will skip the details,not that they really matter anymore. We were in a relationship for 3,6 years.We we on and off for quite a while after our BU up to the point where I asked her back and she rejected me.Then she came back only to claim that she still wants me but she ended up rejecting me again.After that I decided never to bother her again but she kept on calling and wanting to hang out.We talked quite often and hung out on multiple occasions but the "friends" thing was not something I could honestly do.It was never a real friendship since I still loved her and I believe she just wanted to keep the door open in case things didn't work out for her with whomever she was with or whatever she was doing. Eventually we got to a point where I was fed up with this situation.So,yesterday,while we were out I decided to ask her what does she want from me.She gave me the usual "I want you in my life but just as a friend" and "we can still be friends" talk.I told her that my feelings for her were too intense to remain just friends.I also told her I wanted her back and I am willing to work through any problem to be with her and to give her everything I can,but since we clearly don't want the same thing we should cut off all ties.She didn't like what I had just told her but I made it clear that being friends only emotionally hurts me like hell. I never thought that it would come to this.I really enjoyed her being a part of my life and love her more than anything but I know I have to move on.Since nothing is going to change from her side (as she has told me on two occasions) I hope that this was our last conversation.The very though of this crushes my soul but I think that in the long run this is the best thing for me. Was my decision right?This girl was something more than special for me but since she doesn't want the same thing I do anymore,and while I never wanted to do so,I have to move on.
louxor Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Yes it was the right decision. You know deep down that remaining 'friends' with her is not something you want, nor is it something you are capable of right now. I understand your situation, it sucks having to go from being around a person all the time to becoming a complete stranger, which is why many people want to remain friends with ex's, but at the end of the day, at least one of the two keeps getting hurt from a situation like this. The only way to sever these intense feelings towards an ex is to remove them completely. It is only then that you can start to heal and move towards being happy without them in your life. Once this happiness is fully achieved, then friendship may become feasible, but chances are the feelings may come running back anyway. 2
Author Jim nine three Posted February 10, 2016 Author Posted February 10, 2016 it sucks having to go from being around a person all the time to becoming a complete stranger, which is why many people want to remain friends with ex's, but at the end of the day, at least one of the two keeps getting hurt from a situation like this. This,I believe that eventually I will heal completely from all this.But right now I feel terrible for completely removing a person from my life,especially one I really wanted to play a big role in it.However,living everyday secretly hoping that she would at some point realize how much I loved her and come back to me was heartbreaking...
Thatguyintx Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 However,living everyday secretly hoping that she would at some point realize how much I loved her and come back to me was heartbreaking... Ouch! I understand that feeling and can fully sympathize. 1
Finalchapter Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 This,I believe that eventually I will heal completely from all this.But right now I feel terrible for completely removing a person from my life,especially one I really wanted to play a big role in it.However,living everyday secretly hoping that she would at some point realize how much I loved her and come back to me was heartbreaking... I know how you feel. It's such a painful process but you soon will be proud of yourself for doing this. I have reached a point where I am scared of my ex reaching out to me. I have nightmares about it and hence I consciously run away from everything 'him' 2
cupcakebunny Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 This,I believe that eventually I will heal completely from all this.But right now I feel terrible for completely removing a person from my life,especially one I really wanted to play a big role in it.However,living everyday secretly hoping that she would at some point realize how much I loved her and come back to me was heartbreaking... It will get better. It always does. You made a good decision and a hard one. Most breakups aren't all this abrupt ceremony and drama. It's usually the slow slide into friendship territory for one person - while the other still cares. Both usually don't want to cut off all contact because as the PP said, at a base level you still love the other person as a friend, find them funny, want to share exciting news with them but...you can't. That's the worst part. Even though I dumped my partner of 10 years because it really was an unhappy relationship, I grieve the loss of that companionship and my best friend. That's likely what she's feeling. And it's not fair to you because you want something more. Like the PP, give yourself and her space. Heal. Do something you couldn't do when you were in a relationship. And maybe in time you can rekindle that friendship. Good luck - it will get better. 1
Author Jim nine three Posted February 11, 2016 Author Posted February 11, 2016 Thanks everyone,you are probably right.It was the right decision even though it was a damn hard one. I have been in love with someone else before this girl.Eventually it came to a point where I stopped missing her,fell in love with my recent ex and completely moved on.But she is too a thing of the past now.I will always wish them well,after all at some point in my life I was so in love with this person,though they don't have anything to do with me anymore,nor I have with them. Seems like this is the case again this time.It still hurts,and it probably will for some time,but eventually I believe she too will remain only a happy memory of my past and nothing more!
NVO Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 You stood up for yourself, how can that ever be a wrong decision? You did a great job and this will help you for sure on your way to recovery.
mightycpa Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Spot on! Now, all you can hope for is that she cooperates. A lot of times, these women who crave ex's as friends don't get the message. Be prepared to deliver it with conviction if that's the case. You should pre-emptively cut off her avenues of contact. It doesn't matter what she thinks about it.
Author Jim nine three Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 So,I ran into my ex today.I greeted her with a smile and after a small talk we went our separate ways.I didn't show any sign of sadness or anger or anything of the sort at that point but my thoughts have been on our last conversation about our relationship all day long.Just thought I would share it here so I could get an honest opinion and gain some perspective. Basically,it went down like this.... After hanging out I decide to ask her where she stands with me.She told me she likes spending time with me as a friend. I told her my feelings were too strong for her for me to see her as just a friend.She told me she wants me in her life as a friend and who knows? maybe in the future we could end up back together. I told her that I was fully willing to work on any issue she had that stopped her from being with me if that is what she wants.Then,she started putting out lame excuses which I got fed up of hearing,so I told her since she doesn't want to be with me we should cut off all contact,aside from any kind of emergency I couldn't force myself to see her as only a friend while I wanted so much more than that. She then proclaimed she loves me and wants me in her life,and got somewhat angry telling me I didn't try being her friend.How can I not have romantic feelings for someone you spent almost 4 years with?She kept me on the hook for quite a while,giving me breadcrumbs whenever I seemed to move on then back away again.I just couldn't take it anymore. Even after this conversation,she didn't seem to believe I wanted to move on."Talk to you soon." Seriously?I just told you we should cut contact and that's her response? I firmly believe she kept me as a back up plan in case nothing better comes along.What do you think?Do her words show that this is the case or is there something else going on?
Mister Mr. Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I really dont know why people do this man. really selfish of them. I was in the same boat, then the maybe we would be together later and stuff **** got thrown around. Just call it quits man. Its gonna help you move on and if she really wants you in her life she'll try. if not then you know shes not worth it. this your first relationship btw??
Mister Mr. Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I wont believe in anything she has to say. Nothing seems genuine and she really doesnt seem interested. Just tryna make you cling onto her which you shouldnt do.
Author Jim nine three Posted February 23, 2016 Author Posted February 23, 2016 It was not my first relationship,though it was the longest.I have cut contact with her about 2 weeks ago.I don't plan to re-engage with her on any form of communication at all and honestly this is much better than the "just friends" limbo. However sometimes I keep wondering.Why would she want to stay in touch with me?Is it just because she knew she had me at her command and wanted to keep me as a backup?
theredpill Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 It's usually because she knows and trusts you, so if her new relationship (if/when it starts) get tricky, she's got a fall back plan. Don't be that guy... 1
NYC_ABC Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 I haven't read your other posts, but I can tell there are a lot of similarities in your situation and mine. That being said, I think you handled the run-in well, BUT, if it happens again, I'd say cut the small talk. Ideally you want to find that line of polite, pleasant, good vibes, but also, not interested/all business/no time for her. I know it's easy to say after the fact as I'm sure just seeing her released a whirlwind of emotions. I have an idea of "how I'd like to be" for my imminent run-in, and I realize it's easier said than done. Based on the convo...she is done with you, at least for now. And I think the only way to trigger something in her that may change this is NC, for a very long time, especially if you were in a relationship for four years. But you can't bank on it. It sucks. It's the worst. I'm in it myself, but look at it this way: Asking, begging, pleading, rationalizing...all of these things we do as men, make her run in the other direction. Moving forward, give her nothing, no friendship, no responses to anything except emergencies, commit to NC, move on mentally, and then, only then, she may do a 180 after seeing how much you don't need her. (Can you tell I'm trying to convince myself of all this too? ; ) Be well.
bathtub-row Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Ok, were you actually in a relationship with her, or just friends? Because if you were just friends then I don't understand why you gave her an ultimatum like that.
Author Jim nine three Posted February 23, 2016 Author Posted February 23, 2016 Ok, were you actually in a relationship with her, or just friends? Because if you were just friends then I don't understand why you gave her an ultimatum like that. Relationship of 3,5 years,then about half a year of an on again off again relationship,which led to this.
bathtub-row Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Relationship of 3,5 years,then about half a year of an on again off again relationship,which led to this. Oh. Got it. Yeah, that's crap. The on and off again thing will make you crazy. Then her saying talk to you soon. What's that about? It's like you never said a word. Sheeez!
Author Jim nine three Posted February 23, 2016 Author Posted February 23, 2016 . Then her saying talk to you soon. What's that about? It's like you never said a word. Sheeez! Well I think that she didn't really believe me when I told her we should cut off all ties since I can't see her as a friend only.She probably thinks I am to hung up on her and will return again at some point.
Author Jim nine three Posted February 23, 2016 Author Posted February 23, 2016 Based on the convo...she is done with you, at least for now. And I think the only way to trigger something in her that may change this is NC, for a very long time, especially if you were in a relationship for four years. But you can't bank on it. It sucks. It's the worst. I'm in it myself, but look at it this way: Asking, begging, pleading, rationalizing...all of these things we do as men, make her run in the other direction. Moving forward, give her nothing, no friendship, no responses to anything except emergencies, commit to NC, move on mentally, and then, only then, she may do a 180 after seeing how much you don't need her. (Can you tell I'm trying to convince myself of all this too? ; ) Be well. First of all I wish you the best in your situation.I know it is hard,but I believe things will turn out for the best for all of us! Now,as far as I am concerned,I am the one done with her.I have clearly stated to her what I want.I honestly cannot settle for being a "friend" with a possibility of a future reconciliation so I decided to move on with my life.I know my worth and what I can give to her but since she doesn't seem interested at this point,well, it's her loss!
Author Jim nine three Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 I initiated no contact 14 days ago with my ex girlfriend.Since then I have never felt the urge to visit her profile or to contact her,and while I still had a hard time coping with everything that occurred between us the last months,the pain seemed to fade away bit by bit.In the meantime she kept liking and commenting on my posts but I didn't give a damn because it was clearly breadcrumbs.Today I did something I am not proud of.I woke up in the middle of the night having a horrible feeling for no apparent reason,so I decided to visit my ex's profile.She seemed to be flirty with everyone in the comments and such but that didn't bother me.Then I saw a picture of her with a guy.They seemed like a thing...gosh the feeling I got in my stomach can't be explained! Lesson learned,never EVER doing that again but now I feel like trash.I am angry with myself for doing what I did,I knew it was wrong the moment I decided to do it.I can't get that picture out of my head of them looking like a couple,I feel like crying all day now...
triple-s Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 " You must participate in your own rescue " dude. remember that line .... someone told me that ... since Jan 1st . Ive been in no contact with my ex. No temptations to look at her social media whatsoever . In the end ... youre doing it to yourself . When 2016 began, my new years resolution is to be a better person ... and by this i mean I need to love myself first than to put myself in this ****ty position Everytime i get the urge to even THINK of peeking ... i just say in my head " You must participate in your own rescue " so far its worked for me . Try it ... 2
Zahara Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 Self-preservation. Protect yourself. Block her so that you're not tempted to stab yourself again. 4
Author Jim nine three Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 " You must participate in your own rescue " so far its worked for me . Try it ... I know exactly what you mean.I had the same mind set up to now and I feel horrible for succumbing to this.I knew I would get nothing out of it but I guess I am a fool...it felt like taking a step back in my recovery. stab yourself again. Damn...this is exactly how I feel.I literally gained NOTHING by visiting her profile.Now my heart feels broken again and my mind gets all these crazy thoughts about her and her apparently new relationship.A terrible feeling especially after making progress towards moving on 2 weeks ago.I guess the good news is I didn't directly contact her and making a fool of myself.
Author Jim nine three Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 To be honest with you and myself even though I cut off all ties with her and making the decision to move on with my life,a part of me wanted to get back together with her.Now I know I HAVE to move on completely from this mess,the only thing I found going there (again) is pain...
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