Overcoming codependency

[Itspointless]

Massive apologies for not replying to this comment sooner

No worries.

whatever they feel or don't they always push us away, I believe that they do still feel, even if they do push it out of thier minds/move on/repress their feelings, it's not as though they are morons.

That was the hard part, she also felt guilty during a time she also felt ill and stressed. She believed or told herself that she was doing me a favor by doing what she always did when stressed and now with her medical condition: pushing others away and doing it alone.

Did you feel that meeting your ex helped

Yes and no, we were long-distance, I received her first message, she told me she first wanted to break the news with our next meeting. Than she offered to still talk, which I grabbed. For is me has been good to see the transformation she had gone through. She had transformed in a person I almost did not recognize. She reminded me of a vulcan (Star Trek). I needed to experience that. But it was also hard, I wanted to help.

[TheScientist]

No worries.

 

That was the hard part, she also felt guilty during a time she also felt ill and stressed. She believed or told herself that she was doing me a favor by doing what she always did when stressed and now with her medical condition: pushing others away and doing it alone.

 

Yes and no, we were long-distance, I received her first message, she told me she first wanted to break the news with our next meeting. Than she offered to still talk, which I grabbed. For is me has been good to see the transformation she had gone through. She had transformed in a person I almost did not recognize. She reminded me of a vulcan (Star Trek). I needed to experience that. But it was also hard, I wanted to help.

 

I am so sorry you had to see that and know there was very little you could do, can't imagine how hard it must of been through illness, you seem to have a very caring nature therefore I can only assume that watching someone not let you help them was so so difficult. You also probably know as do I, they change towards the person they once were vulnerable to, not necessarily because feelings change, but because of the risk of threat. Its hard to witness that change even once the relationship is over, but I would imagine even harder when it's also physical due to illness. a 'transformation' as you said.

 

 

They are almost broken looking when vulnerable I find, my ex was in a car accident during our relationship, the person that crashed into him died and he was held in a cell for the night while they confirmed details etc, he is now having to go through the process of a possible trial depending on what the prosecutuers decide his charge should be, if any. Anyway I recall being reassuring, realistic and trying to comfort him whenever he would seem down and thinking about it, I recall him literally pulling his emotions back like a ship chain, being pulled back a million miles away from me a second as soon as I showed concern, it's like he realised he was showing his feelings and scooped them all up, but he looked so sad when he was open. While to the big bad world he was a confident alpha male.

[Itspointless]

I am so sorry you had to see that and know there was very little you could do, can't imagine how hard it must of been through illness, you seem to have a very caring nature therefore I can only assume that watching someone not let you help them was so so difficult.

Thank you for your sweet words. For me it triggered something I could not have predicted, I was triggered right into sensations I had trouble reaching for more than one and a half decades. The despair I felt when I was an adolescent faced with my mothers illness where I couldn't do a damn thing while she was having constant pain for some years.

You also probably know as do I, they change towards the person they once were vulnerable to, not necessarily because feelings change, but because of the risk of threat. Its hard to witness that change even once the relationship is over, but I would imagine even harder when it's also physical due to illness. a 'transformation' as you said. [...] They are almost broken looking when vulnerable I find, my ex was in a car accident during our relationship, the person that crashed into him died and he was held in a cell for the night while they confirmed details etc [...] I recall him literally pulling his emotions back like a ship chain, being pulled back a million miles away from me a second as soon as I showed concern, it's like he realised he was showing his feelings and scooped them all up, but he looked so sad

That must have been really hard for him. Your description of his way of dealing with things brings back images. At the time I had a hard time understanding her. Her reactions really were very different than I had experienced with my mom. I felt that I wasn't helping. She did tell me though that it had not to do with her feelings for me, I still believe her. She kept contacting me for a while but avoided telling anything meaningful, it make me feel like I was disintegrating after some months. Going NC was for me like with your promise, it felt like I abandoned her.

Edited March 29, 2016 by Itspointless

[TheScientist]

Thank you for your sweet words. For me it triggered something I could not have predicted, I was triggered right into sensations I had trouble reaching for more than one and a half decades. The despair I felt when I was an adolescent faced with my mothers illness where I couldn't do a damn thing while she was having constant pain for some years.

 

That must have been really hard for him. Your description of his way of dealing with things brings back images. At the time I had a hard time understanding her. Her reactions really were very different than I had experienced with my mom. I felt that I wasn't helping. She did tell me though that it had not to do with her feelings for me, I still believe her. She kept contacting me for a while but avoided telling anything meaningful, it make me feel like I was disintegrating after some months. Going NC was for me like with your promise, it felt like I abandoned her.

 

How annoying, I had this really great reply (if I do so say myself!!) all typed up on my iPhone and then I got busy and it refreshed and it was all lost...so here i am typing up a brief version on my laptop (well as brief as my replies get, i'm a talker!!)

 

I really admire your strength, having to deal with a relationship that bought back so many memories in terms of illness, and then loss, that must of been hard, I really feel for you and even imaging how hard that would of been to cope with makes me want to cry for you. (Hugs) I also really respect that you were able to walk away and put yourself first, however long it takes, you got there.

 

I know it doesn't seem like it most of the time, because they seem sad and alone inside, in that secret place they show us, but they are putting themselves first, and their own needs even if it's due to fear. We have to do the same. Even beyond the promises we make vocally or internally.

 

When I promised to not hurt him, or rather when he said he felt like I would never hurt him (which as you and I know translates to leaving/abandoning them) I made that promise irresponsibly, not understanding the consequences of such a promise to both him, but most importantly me. I associate loss with losing a part of me rather than focusing on what goodness it brings me and if we focus on that rather than what we are actually losing then we realise we are not losing something that is good for us. Does that make sense?

 

I guess we want to fix people/make them better/happier etc, into being good so they can fix us, or even stay and love us, but it never works like that.

 

I know sometimes it doesn't feel like we have walked away, because essentially it was the persistent pushing away that caused this distance in the first place, however we could of stayed in the same place hoping and waiting, you know as much as they say they do not want that, that they actually do. Acceptance and space are the first steps to healing and eventually, self love. Love is not attachment and vice versa, I have learnt that. This wonderful poem, and many like it explain it so well.

 

'Try not to confuse attachment with love. Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn't about what others can give you because you're empty. It is about what you can give others because you're already full'

 

xxx

[Itspointless]

Hi scientist, I have read your reply many times. Thank you. I will react later. I hope you have found some peace for this day.

[TheScientist]

Hi scientist, I have read your reply many times. Thank you. I will react later. I hope you have found some peace for this day.

 

I look forward to your reply.

 

My evening and morning was quite interesting,

 

I decided to tackle something I have not had the strength to do for a long time. I have many things scattered around my office that I fear to get rid of, not because they all remind me of L but because every time I would remove them or throw them out, L would extra cold towards me. I know that sounds insane but because I didn't really understand his behaviour and why he would be warm sometimes and cold like a stranger during others, I ended up striking a correlation between me throwing out gum packets and randoms objects with his behaviour. Chucking things out, including things that do remind me of L, like receipts and silly things left over from weekends, the actual walking up to the bin and popping them in was quite therapeutic, felt lighter. Briefly.

 

Time is wonderful isn't it, I sat with myself and pondered on what is what about 'us' that hurt so much. One thing that really struck a cord was when I recall his description of his future wife, this ideal relationship he used to belittle everything he has with anyone else, this ideal woman became my internal enemy, during the last few weeks of our relationship, during our break up, and especially during my healing period. Why I asked? Because his methods to run and sabotage something, to fault find and compare to his ideal, completely contradicted the way I try and fix things. I instead make him much better in my head, the best I have had and could have, even when a rational person could tell me that's insanity, as he clearly isn't as he would not be telling me I'm not his ideal woman! It also amplified my insecurities and lack of self love and I felt myself hating this future wife of his, hating every girl he could possibly interact with even though the chances things end in the same way as they did with me as pretty high.

 

I can actually imagine conversations with him now and pick out my triggers, and that in itself is pretty powerful, because once you establish what is it about a persons personality that is no good for you, as well as the things they say and do, you begin to understand the incompatibility, and as much as you recognise that they are a good person, you regain some control when you understand the pattern and regain the power they have. It's hard and only because you see it and understand it better doesn't mean the process of completely letting go is something you look forward to or want to fast forward, but you do see that it is required for your happiness and inner peace. You cannot win with someone like this.

 

 

xxx

Edited March 30, 2016 by TheScientist

[TheScientist]

Hello fellow LS'ers

 

My therapist is off on holiday for two weeks, and I have been set the task to monitor my own codependant behaviours, both in the present and in past relationships, and how they lead/control/encourage certain cycles, but without over thinking or obsessing, which is particularly hard for me, but being uncomfortable is just something I just have to get used to if I am going to change habits of a life time.

 

It's fascinating to learn that partners that may encourage your validating seeking behaviour are actually codependent also, which makes sense as I always sensed that my ex would have a sense of relief when I was 'ok' with him, as did I with him. Which makes complete sense to why he tried to continue this after we ended - because he knew he could. While as a codependent myself I tried to control and dictate his behaviour, which then lead to him controlling mine because it's what I seek to make him happy.

 

Understanding the dynamics of these relationships is so so important, only then do you understand why they are so dysfunctional, they are not about love, they are about control.

 

Have any of you been able to tackle your own codependent issues? I would love to hear your stories.

 

x

[Emilia]

I think whether I tackled it successfully I'll know once I'm in an LTR again (let's say 2+ years). At least I've got good at letting things go early and no contact.

 

For me - and I think validation very much comes into this - it's about boundaries. My recognition and respect of my own and others' boundaries have become much better - though it's still hit and miss to some degree.

 

I know it's better because I stress far less than I used to. I go for more measured men, not those that are trying to seep through my boundaries. I am much better at spotting neediness in others and I am more honest about my own.

 

This I achieved by acknowledging where it came from (upbringing, family). I understand I think and recognise what neediness is and also how I let myself down over the years because I felt guilty each time I made a significant change. Still did it, no abusive relationships or anything like that but lots of unnecessary second guessing and FOG. (fear, obligation, guilt).

 

I feel liberated, focusing on a new career and rebuilding my social life.

 

It's all about boundaries.