Overcoming codependency

[TheScientist]

**Bit of background about my situation. My ex has Intimacy issues, which then lead to commitment issues, but although the actions/results are the same as a commitment phobe, it's a little more deep-seated.

 

After splitting up, he made a massive effort to keep me as a friend, pleading to not lose me, and then saying he needed me in his life but as a girlfriend I will always be a threat in his eyes. He has made me promise to not hurt him, which basically means leaving him/rejecting him. He is very controlling.

 

As a friend he opened up to me, ABOUT EVERYTHING, about things in his past, things he never recovered from after his father died (both our fathers died when we were 8-10) so so much, including finally how much he cares for me, not that it could possibly matter now. He insisted when we ended that he didn't even want to date anyone, even though he has been on several dates with girls since we ended and moans about why they can't be like me. Which of course messes with my head.

 

I can't do it anymore, I have started therapy to deal with my codependency issues, and of course the internal side effects of no contact. He attends my events on the weekend which of course means I am low contact, and as he and his friends are technically clients I can't ignore him completely, but I can keep things limited and professional only. **

 

 

I booked a double session on Friday because I felt like I needed more than 50 minutes, and I am so glad I did.

 

We spoke about my childhood, how connected I felt to L, finally someone understood all the pain I felt as a child. All the rejection, all the abuse, being locked in my bedroom instead of being comforted, never being told I was loved, he understood. Then he started to back away and I started my secret self loathing.

 

I was on day nine No Contact, it felt good as slowly I was letting go and seeing things for what they are, or so I thought.

 

She questioned all the other times he disappeared, I recall the periods being anything from 5 days to 8 days, and then she asked me who would contact who first, I replied that it varied but I generally left him to message me first.

 

She asked if there was any difference to his reaction if i had messaged first or if he had, and I said yes, if i message first he seemed distant, but if I left him to message first he would be affectionate.

 

She asked if I felt he was more affectionate the longer the periods were, I said yes, if he messages first.

 

She asked, do you think you're letting go, or awaiting your reward?

 

I cried, it was a 'the birds are singing' moment.

 

She went on to say that again, you're leaving the ball in his court, as much as it feels like you're letting go, the last time you messaged him was normal, you wished him goodnight and then the next day started LC, therefore giving him all the chances in the world to message you again as normal whenever he wants, giving you validation and your reward for behaving, and then every opportunity to reply as if nothing ever happened, as opposed to explaining how you feel and how you can't continue, giving you every chance to actually accept it's over and let go.

 

Woah that was emotional to type up!

[Itspointless]

We spoke about my childhood, how connected I felt to L, finally someone understood all the pain I felt as a child. All the rejection, all the abuse, being locked in my bedroom instead of being comforted, never being told I was loved, he understood. Then he started to back away and I started my secret self loathing. [...] She asked, do you think you're letting go, or awaiting your reward?

 

I cried, it was a 'the birds are singing' moment.

That is an important and painful realization.

 

Working on old strategies and convictions about ourselves is very confronting. It seems you are making important steps with her

[Zapbasket]

She asked, do you think you're letting go, or awaiting your reward?

 

I cried, it was a 'the birds are singing' moment.

 

 

That is HUGE. It sounds like you have a good therapist, who will challenge you to make the kinds of self-discoveries that will set you free of old baggage.

 

Also huge, because I think for some of us, myself included, that feeling of something being just out of reach--love, validation, comfort, safety--is like a drug for us. We pursue and pursue and the more it's out of reach the more we pursue until we're so caught up in desiring that we can't see our deprivation. After a while it's not the other person who is depriving us, but our own obsession with straining for what is always just out of reach.

 

We don't see how much more fulfilling it would be to simply believe you deserve that love and validation. It would be more fulfilling because then you would never settle for chasing after it. You would expect it to be there, and if it's not, you would see it sooner, and extricate yourself from that empty interaction.

 

That's a huge mental shift to make, and it takes a lot of work. You sound like you're very much headed in the right direction, with a therapist who can help you get there. That's GREAT news for you :bunny:

[TheScientist]

That is HUGE. It sounds like you have a good therapist, who will challenge you to make the kinds of self-discoveries that will set you free of old baggage.

 

Also huge, because I think for some of us, myself included, that feeling of something being just out of reach--love, validation, comfort, safety--is like a drug for us. We pursue and pursue and the more it's out of reach the more we pursue until we're so caught up in desiring that we can't see our deprivation. After a while it's not the other person who is depriving us, but our own obsession with straining for what is always just out of reach.

 

We don't see how much more fulfilling it would be to simply believe you deserve that love and validation. It would be more fulfilling because then you would never settle for chasing after it. You would expect it to be there, and if it's not, you would see it sooner, and extricate yourself from that empty interaction.

 

That's a huge mental shift to make, and it takes a lot of work. You sound like you're very much headed in the right direction, with a therapist who can help you get there. That's GREAT news for you :bunny:

 

I hope you don't mind but I have screen shot your reply and I'm going to keep it on my phone to read and re read whenever I need to remember the reality that it - I chose to chase because it not only fills some weird void, it satisfies my subconscious belief that I cannot be loved, although I want to be, as opposed to letting someone that actually loves me, love me. I really really hope that I get to that stage.

 

I also had to sit down with myself and admit that I am addicted to the chase, the ups and downs of my feelings, the 'will be message me today' the 'will I message him today' the tears the fears, I am addicted to the pain, it's better than feeling nothing, and feeling nothing will mean it's over right...I mean really over!! I'm still at the start of it, but I'm not going to push myself, reversing all these years of damage will not happen over night.

 

She also asked about my need (obsession but she was polite!!) to understand him and I recognised that understanding him made me feel closer to him, made him that little bit more mine. She asked me to look at my phone history and I didn't realise that almost 80% of my search history was about his stuff and my iBooks and downloads and audiobooks and Amazon book orders were all books about his issues and then I was like woah...why am I so obsessed with understanding him????

 

RE no contact, I'm still faking it till I make it, although I know that a big part of me is waiting for the prize, thankfully the other part is rationilising it and knows that space is a good thing...I'm so tired. Wish I could pull myself out of this mental drama once and for all, but I just seem to enjoy the misery.

Edited March 15, 2016 by TheScientist

[Itspointless]

Wish I could pull myself out of this mental drama once and for all, but I just seem to enjoy the misery.

Ehm no, you do not enjoy it. Choosing for you is scary, especially when it is a new experience to do. It never got you love so why would it work now, right?

[TheScientist]

Ehm no, you do not enjoy it. Choosing for you is scary, especially when it is a new experience to do. It never got you love so why would it work now, right?

 

I don't mean I literally enjoy it, but I choose to extend my hurt, often not consciously, I'm getting better at turning it off for a bit.

 

How did the process change for you, could you see yourself falling for someone avoidant again?

[Itspointless]

I don't mean I literally enjoy it, but I choose to extend my hurt, often not consciously, I'm getting better at turning it off for a bit.

 

How did the process change for you, could you see yourself falling for someone avoidant again?

I know I think that figure of speech does not do us much service. We do not choose to extend it, it is more of a mode where we have learned to push our own needs away for the other in the hope to be seen.

 

Well those are interesting questions. How did it change me. My ex made me believe in love again after I had given up and than took it away again. It took me until know to feel a bit open to something new. As for attracting another avoidant. Another ex was very clinging, she was more the opposite: a bit borderline. Yes, I have great taste It actually made me search for the opposite, someone independent: the irony. But in a way yes, I guess both types remind me a bit of my parents. I already noticed that women that seem hard to reach sometimes interest me. That means I have to be very careful and sometimes distrust my senses when I think, what a nice lady. Not that I meet that much interesting women being jobless. Just as I know that I am a bit codependent due to having experienced illness close in my adolescence. I have learned that I sometimes already are in the helping mode according to others when I do not experience it yet as helping myself.

 

My biggest lesson is that such knowledge about myself is crucial.

[TheScientist]

I know I think that figure of speech does not do us much service. We do not choose to extend it, it is more of a mode where we have learned to push our own needs away for the other in the hope to be seen.

 

Well those are interesting questions. How did it change me. My ex made me believe in love again after I had given up and than took it away again. It took me until know to feel a bit open to something new. As for attracting another avoidant. Another ex was very clinging, she was more the opposite: a bit borderline. Yes, I have great taste It actually made me search for the opposite, someone independent: the irony. But in a way yes, I guess both types remind me a bit of my parents. I already noticed that women that seem hard to reach sometimes interest me. That means I have to be very careful and sometimes distrust my senses when I think, what a nice lady. Not that I meet that much interesting women being jobless. Just as I know that I am a bit codependent due to having experienced illness close in my adolescence. I have learned that I sometimes already are in the helping mode according to others when I do not experience it yet as helping myself.

 

My biggest lesson is that such knowledge about myself is crucial.

 

The more you say stuff the more I want to give you a cuddle - not the patronising type, but the 'I get you, messed up isn't it' sorta hug.

 

So glad you got to experience love, however sadly that ended. I do hope for our own sakes we understand ourselves and live ourselves enough to attract better people to surround ourselves with.

 

I too have got ne from borderline to avoidant exes. My radar translates 'avoidant' to 'independant busy guy' in an instant, so I think I need to start mistrusting mine too.

 

I want to start asking myself key questions to assess whether things are going in a familiar direction..because as they said in books, anxious avoid secure as there isn't excitement which is exactly true in my case as I will translate the quick shot initial months anxious avoidant honeymoon period excitement for chemistry when it's actually not.

[Redhead14]

How did the process change for you-- The process of not choosing people who are bad for you begins when you start really focusing on YOU and your needs and identifying early on that someone else is not focusing on you and your needs and accepting/making no excuses . . .

[TheScientist]

How did the process change for you-- The process of not choosing people who are bad for you begins when you start really focusing on YOU and your needs and identifying early on that someone else is not focusing on you and your needs and accepting/making no excuses . . .

 

Hey!

 

Completely agree but if you had asked me a year ago why I keep picking such men I wouldn't really recognise a pattern, however up until recently I have and now am able to recognise the difference between what triggers my affections to what actually should.

 

I hope to continue to strengthen my knowledge and that way of thinking to not (fingers crossed) make similar choices in the future.

[Itspointless]

The more you say stuff the more I want to give you a cuddle - not the patronising type, but the 'I get you, messed up isn't it' sorta hug.

Thankfully accepted

So glad you got to experience love, however sadly that ended. I do hope for our own sakes we understand ourselves and live ourselves enough to attract better people to surround ourselves with.

 

I too have got ne from borderline to avoidant exes. My radar translates 'avoidant' to 'independant busy guy' in an instant, so I think I need to start mistrusting mine too.

 

I want to start asking myself key questions to assess whether things are going in a familiar direction..because as they said in books, anxious avoid secure as there isn't excitement which is exactly true in my case as I will translate the quick shot initial months anxious avoidant honeymoon period excitement for chemistry when it's actually not.

It was short, far to short.

 

It took me a while to recognize that it was true. I thought it was normal, although I could never understand how people moved on so quickly from people. I still cannot understand that, as I have never been like that. My reactions are ingrained in who I am. On some things I was already working for quit some years, now some things have gotten more in perspective. But even as some things are ingrained in our neurological systems, I think we can learn and make life somewhat easier for ourselves. at the least it is worth trying.

[Redhead14]

Hey!

 

Completely agree but if you had asked me a year ago why I keep picking such men I wouldn't really recognise a pattern, however up until recently I have and now am able to recognise the difference between what triggers my affections to what actually should.

 

I hope to continue to strengthen my knowledge and that way of thinking to not (fingers crossed) make similar choices in the future.

 

if you had asked me a year ago -- Personal growth is a process. You should be happy you are not the same woman you were a year ago or 5 or 10 years ago Where you are in your head at a given time, either shows you something you should learn from or be proud of . . . either way, it's a win/win. There are no mistakes, just learning experiences. And, you should thank anyone who was a "stepping stone" in the process. They are just trying to get through this life like everyone else.

[TheScientist]

Good morning all

 

This morning while in the bath, thinking about L (as per usual) I had this moment filled with 'whys' 'why does he does this and why does he do that' and it hit me like a tonne of bricks, because he doesn't want me, now a lot of you will read this and think 'duh' - but constantly told its is him, not me, told that I'm the full package and I just represent everything that's too real for him...while he still continues to date after we break up- he went on two dates with the same girl and said she checked his phone so he knew she wasn't the girl for him... I do t remembering thinking much of it then, but now....girl for you?? I thought you didn't want a relationship, I thought you didn't want anything with anyone, especially the girl for you, something real?? And now you are searching for exactly that.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't have his issues, but he chose to end things with ME and date other people, and look for the girl for him, which isn't me, I feel like reading between the lines is setting myself free. This wasn't real for him, it just wasn't right for him, it's me, I'm not right for him.

 

Being controlled never got me love when I was younger - why would it now?

Being good and listening never got me love either - why would it now?

Being patient, awaiting love or validation as some reward never got me love either - why would it now?

 

I am potentially bypassing so many good opportunities (not that I'm ready to welcome them by far!!) while waiting for someone that doesn't want me, being friends with someone that doesn't want me. What part of me is so damaged that I think it's so acceptable?

 

I have to be careful to just use it for acceptance and not let it border self loathing as I do that sometimes.

[Itspointless]

I'm not saying he doesn't have his issues, but he chose to end things with ME and date other people, and look for the girl for him, which isn't me

He does not want you as he uses you to put the blame on you for his issues. But yet looking for the right girl, its pathetic (or as we mentioned a bit narcissistic in his ways of using people for short-term fulfillment)

 

Yes you are right, you are 'right' as you are. So better help ourselves here then them.

[TheScientist]

He does not want you as he uses you to put the blame on you for his issues. But yet looking for the right girl, its pathetic (or as we mentioned a bit narcissistic in his ways of using people for short-term fulfillment)

 

Yes you are right, you are 'right' as you are. So better help ourselves here then them.

 

I'm the full package....with about two million faults and flaws he has added up to come to the conclusion that I am just not perfect, as perfect, as his dream girl. But of course he can't tell me that as that would mean he has a big possibility of losing whatever control he has over me. So instead of waiting for him to tell me, I will accept it, and I will unplug myself from whatever this is...

 

No more dreaming up some big 'sh*t I have lost her, must get her back' moments. There won't be some fairy tale ending. Things like that don't happen when it involves people like this, just loads of push pulling and lots of pain.

 

I hope to reach a point that both parts of my brain (the sensible part a. that recognises I need help and always laughs and doubts the things that part b. says or does that causes me pain.) feel and say the same thing, and both truly mean it.

 

How long did it take you to make peace with everything that had happened to you in that relationship, just moving on and stop focusing on it

[Redhead14]

Good morning all

 

This morning while in the bath, thinking about L (as per usual) I had this moment filled with 'whys' 'why does he does this and why does he do that' and it hit me like a tonne of bricks, because he doesn't want me, now a lot of you will read this and think 'duh' - but constantly told its is him, not me, told that I'm the full package and I just represent everything that's too real for him...while he still continues to date after we break up- he went on two dates with the same girl and said she checked his phone so he knew she wasn't the girl for him... I do t remembering thinking much of it then, but now....girl for you?? I thought you didn't want a relationship, I thought you didn't want anything with anyone, especially the girl for you, something real?? And now you are searching for exactly that.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't have his issues, but he chose to end things with ME and date other people, and look for the girl for him, which isn't me, I feel like reading between the lines is setting myself free. This wasn't real for him, it just wasn't right for him, it's me, I'm not right for him.

 

Being controlled never got me love when I was younger - why would it now?

Being good and listening never got me love either - why would it now?

Being patient, awaiting love or validation as some reward never got me love either - why would it now?

 

I am potentially bypassing so many good opportunities (not that I'm ready to welcome them by far!!) while waiting for someone that doesn't want me, being friends with someone that doesn't want me. What part of me is so damaged that I think it's so acceptable?

 

I have to be careful to just use it for acceptance and not let it border self loathing as I do that sometimes.

 

I'm not right for him. -- That's not your fault, nor is it his. People can't flip a switch and suddenly the person they are dating is "right" for them. Either they are right for EACH OTHER or they aren't. When you get the idea of having control over that out of your head, it gets easier. Even if one thinks the other is the "right" one for them, it's moot if the other person doesn't have that same sense.

 

What part of me is so damaged that I think it's so acceptable? -- The little girl who was controlled and tried to have some control by being:

Being good and listening

You might want to talk to your counselor about the concept of "control" in a child, now woman's, life. That's an interesting topic to explore.

[Itspointless]

How long did it take you to make peace with everything that had happened to you in that relationship, just moving on and stop focusing on it

Pff that is difficult to answer. After five or six months I accepted that I would not hear another story even though I could not believe it. It seems you are already there or close to that point. As for having piece with it, I never reached that point. In two years I reached a point of compassion for us both, slowly finding myself back. Some things are what they are and perhaps remain dissonant in terms of feelings. But feelings also chance after a while, get another meaning. I still do understand why I felt what I felt and could feel it again. I know and accepted that it won't happen, so gradually I stopped going there. But still she often comes by in my mind. She also represents needs and hopes that I need to see.

[TheScientist]

Pff that is difficult to answer. After five or six months I accepted that I would not hear another story even though I could not believe it. It seems you are already there or close to that point. As for having piece with it, I never reached that point. In two years I reached a point of compassion for us both, slowly finding myself back. Some things are what they are and perhaps remain dissonant in terms of feelings. But feelings also chance after a while, get another meaning. I still do understand why I felt what I felt and could feel it again. I know and accepted that it won't happen, so gradually I stopped going there. But still she often comes by in my mind. She also represents needs and hopes that I need to see.

 

They always represent something what we need or want and now I'm thinking that it's the illusion of what they represent, and even more so if we can change them. 'Ours' that's unhealthy in itself.

 

I just had a meeting with my team, they were quick to ask and update me on L's stuff which I completely disregarded as didn't want to seem interested, but they mentioned the girl he has been on dates with, apparently he met her at a party of mine, as she was on my guest list it wasn't hard to find her after they had left - she has only attended one party, one two weeks after we split up. They added she had stayed the whole night with him talking after the sex party ended. The landlord mentioned that he had stuck around pretty late that night, which he was surprised about seeing that I wasn't there that evening (I was out of London)

 

So basically he met some girl two weeks after dumping me, at one of my parties, stayed in my place after hours to talk to her, know that I will hear about it all eventually. (He told my the reason he stuck around was because he saw someone he knew and spoke to them all evening!!) Then went on two dates with her after telling me he didn't want to date. I'm so glad I know this now. He really doesn't care. It's all about his ego. I would be doing myself a huge misjustice by staying friends or even associating with someone that really cares that little.

 

To think he made ME promise that I won't hurt HIM!!!!

 

What a guy!

Edited March 16, 2016 by TheScientist

[Itspointless]

They always represent something what we need or want and now I'm thinking that it's the illusion of what they represent, and even more so if we can change them. 'Ours' that's unhealthy in itself.

Well if I had known her issues and incapability of intimacy I never would have opened my heart as I did. I was watching out for the wrong red flags. She was so full of me that she convinced me at a certain point. Just again another lesson in what apparently is considered normal and abnormal, just as you wrote to Redhead14. We have to face the wold with the models we have gotten. For us that means a little more work at these things at certain points in life.

 

Anyway I am sorry for you.

[TheScientist]

Well if I had known her issues and incapability of intimacy I never would have opened my heart as I did. I was watching out for the wrong red flags. She was so full of me that she convinced me at a certain point. Just again another lesson in what apparently is considered normal and abnormal, just as you wrote to Redhead14. We have to face the wold with the models we have gotten. For us that means a little more work at these things at certain points in life.

 

Anyway I am sorry for you.

 

Taken a few days out, but feel much better now.

 

I'm learning not to focus on it all the time which means I rarely remember him, well compared to a week or so ago.

 

Thank you, I guess him doing that to me helped me put it all into perspective, anytime I feel anything remotely close to sadness I remember him up all evening speaking to this girl, and I shake my head a little and think about something else. I'm not even angry even more, I just won't be controlled by him and the things he does anymore, especially when I know I'm reality I mean so little to him.

 

I was slightly suspicious that I was fault finding - which I do tend to do once i feel like I'm being emotionally rejected, but my therapist pointed out yesterday that all the points I made about starting to feel marginally indifferent to him are valid and to not over think or be too hard to myself. I guess I got so used to worrying if I'm really truly thinking what I'm thinking or it's a way to create drama and a reaction which would than validate me.

 

As a little girl I was always made to feel like what I did was never good enough, my parents left two years apart and I was raised by my aunt and her family plus my grandma, although like family they either loved or hated each other and would use us to score point, I would avoid being myself, over play how good I was and never resist in order to keep them around as the treat of more people leaving was always there, and my aunt would always tell me if I upset my grandma she would send me away - that's exactly that I've been doing with L.

 

I have never said no, I just always let him come back to hurt me because not only is the pain familiar but pretending to be happy or sleepless nights are much better than losing someone, even if they don't value me.

 

The problems when I was younger I had no choice but to endure, but that 7 years old in my head, that is watching her life crumbling away, people leaving, needs to see that choosing the wrong people again and again, fighting for them to stay, will limit her growth, and I don't want to stay 7 forever.

 

Xx

[Itspointless]

I feel anything remotely close to sadness I remember him up all evening speaking to this girl, and I shake my head a little and think about something else. [...] I was slightly suspicious that I was fault finding - which I do tend to do once i feel like I'm being emotionally rejected [...] I guess I got so used to worrying [...] or it's a way to create drama and a reaction which would than validate me.

 

As a little girl I was always made to feel like what I did was never good enough, my parents left two years apart and I was raised by my aunt and her family plus my grandma, although like family they either loved or hated each other and would use us to score point, I would avoid being myself, over play how good I was and never resist in order to keep them around as the treat of more people leaving was always there, and my aunt would always tell me if I upset my grandma she would send me away - that's exactly that I've been doing with L.

 

I have never said no, I just always let him come back to hurt me because not only is the pain familiar but pretending to be happy or sleepless nights are much better than losing someone, even if they don't value me.

Seems you are taking giant positive steps with these insights into a direction where you can find more freedom for yourself.

[TheScientist]

Hey All

 

Typing his up while on holiday, it's lovely and sunny here and I've spent the day in the sun soaking up some rays.

 

Right so L contacted me on Monday, a few messages asking how my weekend has been, asking if I am on holiday yet and if i am having fun. I didn't reply.

 

He sent another message on Tuesday morning, saying 'Hey Miss busy, talk to me'. I didn't reply.

 

I went from calm, controlled, keeping my mind L free, to finding myself indulging in old sweet moments and fantasising about how he will come running home to me once he realises I am not going to be in his life anymore....INSANE, a few messages and it sent my brain into overdrive.

 

Now my therapist agrees about No Contact, but only when I officially start it after ending things properly, saying I cannot continue being in contact with him, rather than essentially ignoring his messages and buying time, which keeps him in my life.

 

The part of me that still mildly seeks his validation is focusing on the days passing, that by ignoring him will impact his trust towards me. How I don't really want any of this...(even though I do, it's the only way out of this mind trap)

 

Plus I know I am closer and closer to being L free completely and it makes me a little anxious, I say little, because I do manage to distract myself now, with reminders that this isn't good for me.

 

I am giving myself time to work out what to say, try to make sure I am not saying it for drama or for a reaction. I am learning to trust myself and what is good for me, and recognise what feelings are bad and should not be followed up on.

 

Staying level headed and trusting your instincts is really hard when you have been on the rollercoaster that is a toxic/emotionally abusive relationship, especially when you subconsciously signed over the rights to your emotional wellbeing for theirs as part of the deal.

 

 

Although I wont be getting emotional when i eventually reply, I will keep things sincere, although my feelings were extreme and amplified by my need to satisfy him in order to keep him in my life, most parts were genuine from my side.

 

In order for me to move on, and not go 'one step forwards and two steps back' every time I feel stronger I need to not have him in my life, at all. I can't sacrifice my happiness to maintain his. This wont keep him, it never did.

 

Replies are welcome, please

 

xxxx

[Itspointless]

In the end I have sent my ex a letter. People here almost always recommend not to but I have and I have no regrets of it. Just as my therapist also recommended to me to talk to her after she ended it and proposed to me to talk in person. That was a hard visit, but also there I am glad that I did. Seeing her made me realize some things, still I waited until I couldn't anymore. She kept contacting me once a month asking if I was enjoying life, the last time I told the truth: no.

 

Your therapist seems right. Perhaps you should write a letter now, one you won’t sent but for the release of your feelings so you can enjoy your vacation. Make an appointment when your home and tell him that you need you energy for yourself. His trust seems nice, but you are not his emotional blanket, you wanted a relationship and you would never have broken his trust. The choice was simple, he made another one. This isn't you breaking a promise.

 

Enjoy your vacation.

[TheScientist]

He messaged a third time the day after I last posted wishing me a good Easter.

 

This is really painful. I have had to overcome some really weak moments over the last few days, this morning especially. I'm currently sat on a sunbed crying through my sunglasses, it's my last few hours here and although it's been a wonderful five days and I've not let him ruin it for me, I wanted to message him to tell him I miss him about 30 minutes ago - I didn't and won't, and thankfully I remembered I had loads of old screen shots in a whatsapp conversation between a friend and I, so I looked through those and feel a little more composed, I was reminded of the reality of our relationship, and how hard I had to fight through the whole thing, I never want to feel that hard to love again.

 

It's been a long hard tough process, some weeks better than others, some days hard and some I don't even remember him all that most, while others are clouded by sadness, and reminders of good/bad times, over thinking his messages and why and why not, but it all doesn't matter, this pain is just my inability to see things for what they are, but I'm thankful it's getting easier, I am so so ready to be over him.

 

Xx

[TheScientist]

In the end I have sent my ex a letter. People here almost always recommend not to but I have and I have no regrets of it. Just as my therapist also recommended to me to talk to her after she ended it and proposed to me to talk in person. That was a hard visit, but also there I am glad that I did. Seeing her made me realize some things, still I waited until I couldn't anymore. She kept contacting me once a month asking if I was enjoying life, the last time I told the truth: no.

 

Your therapist seems right. Perhaps you should write a letter now, one you won’t sent but for the release of your feelings so you can enjoy your vacation. Make an appointment when your home and tell him that you need you energy for yourself. His trust seems nice, but you are not his emotional blanket, you wanted a relationship and you would never have broken his trust. The choice was simple, he made another one. This isn't you breaking a promise.

 

Enjoy your vacation.

 

Massive apologies for not replying to this comment sooner - I just got home and saw it - I am so very glad you listened to yourself and did what you felt was good for you, all our issues and most importantly our journeys are different, what is good for one is not good for us all and vice versa, however we all agree that healing is the most important thing and how you reach that point/helps you reach that point.

 

Not only that but although the end circumstances of such characters is always the same - whatever they feel or don't they always push us away, I believe that they do still feel, even if they do push it out of thier minds/move on/repress their feelings, it's not as though they are morons. No excuses for them, they still cause much pain for people and ends up being a very dysfunctional and emotionally abusive, even for those who are openly quite confident like me, it totally rocked my inner love. No one should ever make us feel like us like that, right? While it's easy to label it as our issue, and something we must deal with, the right person for us would never heighten those abandonment fears and I truly accept that now. I think realising that is key to acceptance of the reality of the relationship/s we found ourselves in.

 

Did you feel that meeting your ex helped? I know you suggested it did, but did you get it all off your chest or did you leave feeling heavier? I have made peace with what I want to say, and I know he will understand, but it's not about anymore, I need to be sure if I'm ready to deal with the aftermath of what I say - as in will I feel better, will I feel lighter, free? All I know is that until I do it, it's going to be a cycle, one I won't be able to control until months of therapy. Therefore I need time and space and for that I must release myself and pull the plug.

 

The little boy in him I cared for, that I recognised, and saw myself in, wanted to keep safe, is in fact a grown man that has hurt me, controlled me, and used that care to keep hold of me even when he did nothing to deserve it. I cared beyond aesthetics and excuses. I let him control me, when I could not control his feelings for me, and I recognised that as better than nothing. I see that now and evevy day I'm a little more free.

 

Much love xx