Today is one month...

[andie1969]

I'm 46, he is 42 so we aren't teenagers but it sure feels like it today. I'm too exhausted to type out all the detail but basically he called me yesterday morning & said he just isn't feeling it when he thinks about "taking it to the next level" whatever that means. I was too stunned & shocked to ask or say much. He gave me the "you're a wonderful person and I hope we can be friends, I still want you in my life, blah blah" speech. I told him just being friends is not an option, it would be too hard for me. Our kids got close this past year too, so there's that.

 

Anyway, I took today off to wallow & feel sorry for myself, but that's it, tomorrow I get my $hit together and move on. I caved & sent him an email this morning, I know I shouldn't have but I felt so blindsided yesterday I felt like I deserved to respond. He has not replied to the email & I don't expect him to. Funny thing, we just went to Niagara Falls together last weekend & had a great time, we also went to Mexico for a week in November. This is where I'm struggling, first, moving on from the memories, and 2nd, how to spend my energy I spent on him. For example, we texted throughout the day, just little stuff, but if something happened, good or bad, he was the first person I told. I already feel that void.

 

I have already blocked him and all of his family from social media, not to be petty, but for myself. I know I'd spend too much time stalking him that way & I needed to remove that temptation. Thanks for letting me get this out here...and I'm open to any tips on getting through the next days & weeks.

[Rockdad]

In person would be the thing I would have done. But at least it wasn't by text as it seems that is becoming common.

[Satu]

*I'm open to any tips on getting through the next days & weeks.

 

Stretching and breathing are good, because they lower the effects of the stress on your body generated by strong emotions. They help you stay centred in yourself.

 

Journalling, just writing about what you are thinking and feeling, is also a big help.

 

Post here as often as you like.

 

There is always someone here.

 

 

Take care.

[andie1969]

Thank you Satu, I appreciated your response to my post in the dating forum as well, good advice. I do practice yoga, going to see what classes are available today.

[Zahara]

I have already blocked him and all of his family from social media, not to be petty, but for myself. I know I'd spend too much time stalking him that way & I needed to remove that temptation. Thanks for letting me get this out here...and I'm open to any tips on getting through the next days & weeks.

 

Exemplary. People should take a lesson from you. This is half the battle won.

 

Keep posting here. Lean on your friends and family.

 

You sound strong and determined. It's going to be alright.

[andie1969]

Exemplary. People should take a lesson from you. This is half the battle won.

 

Keep posting here. Lean on your friends and family.

 

You sound strong and determined. It's going to be alright.

 

I may sound strong, but I called off work, am still in my pjs reading loveshack. I feel pathetic...

[Satu]

I may sound strong, but I called off work, am still in my pjs reading loveshack. *I feel pathetic...

 

*You may feel it, but you're not.

 

You've been rolled back on your emotional heels by an unexpected blow, but you aren't down, or knocked out.

 

 

Here is something I put together for myself, when I was in a (somewhat) similar position. Some of it might be useful for you:

 

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings, by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats a minimum 1.5 litres a day for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically or mentally unwell, go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

 

 

Take care.

[Zahara]

I may sound strong, but I called off work, am still in my pjs reading loveshack. I feel pathetic...

 

Hun, when my ex ended it with me, I didn't brush my teeth or shower for days and stayed in my pjs for 4 days. I called in sick too.

 

You're grieving. You are wounded. You are allowed. Don't feel pathetic because it's normal to feel this way. There'd be something wrong if you were all smiles and walking around like nothing ever happened. What you're going through is part and parcel of your journey into healing.

Edited March 7, 2016 by Zahara

[Satu]

We are self-healing organisms.

 

Just as we have inherent capacities to heal a cut or a burn, we have the ability to self-heal emotional wounds.

 

Nature has planted this within us.

[Emaize3]

Hi there. I'm 47 and thought I was the oldest person on here feeling the pain. But pain has no age. My bf also broke up by phone, after 1 1/2 years together and I was at work! Horrible. I thought we were great too- totally blindsided! I'm 5 weeks post bu and still struggling. I tried contacting him yesterday to get closure and he ignored me. Just want you to know that I really understand what you're dealing with. Hugs

[loveweary11]

same here..... alfter 10 years married and 12 together.

 

Weak people exist no matter how long the relationship was or how well you thought you knew them.,

[Satu]

Hi there. I'm 47 and thought I was the oldest person on here feeling the pain. But pain has no age. My bf also broke up by phone, after 1 1/2 years together and I was at work! Horrible. I thought we were great too- totally blindsided! I'm 5 weeks post bu and still struggling. *I tried contacting him yesterday to get closure and he ignored me. Just want you to know that I really understand what you're dealing with. Hugs

 

*Closure comes from within when you arrive at full acceptance.

[andie1969]

Well today sucked, plain & simple. No reply to the email I sent this morning, but didn't really expect one. That was the one & only I'll send, I promise! I just had to tell him how I felt since I was so stunned on the phone yesterday. I lay around in my pjs most of the day, but my daughter had an ortho appt after school so I had to get up & take her, that did help to get out of the house. What sucked is the ortho office is just down the street from his house, ugh. NO I did not drive by! I have stuck to not doing any social media stalking, even blocked him on my daughters account (didn't tell her, she rarely uses it but I didn't want the temptation for me to log onto her account to spy).

 

The hard thing, and not just for me but a lot of us I'm sure is the urge to contact them without really even thinking. He was always the one I texted when something funny/crazy happened. I had a few of those moments today where in instinctively reached for my phone only to have the cold realization hit me all over again. I journaled a bit then, made a list of all his annoying traits lol.

 

Tomorrow has to be better right? I need to get my crap together, I can't call off work again! My house is one cat away from being a hoarders episode so I have to clean. I'm angry I let him have so much of my time & emotion even now!

[Marc878]

Stay dark. You've done well blocking everything.

 

It'll help you move on quicker.

 

Long ter he wasn't the one you need anyway.

 

Look at this as a painfull gift.

[Emaize3]

andie1969, I think working will help you a lot. I'd rather be at work than home because I'm forced to not cry and I have to focus. Can you believe my ex broke up by phone too? At work! I actually stayed there through teary eyes the whole day. But, I think working will be the best thing (and cleaning). I finally started cleaning my house. Lol

[Amor289]

First day after breakup is a complete write off. My ex broke up with at the beginning of Feb. He called me first thing after work to break it off with me, guess he was aiming to give me as much time as possible to recover on the weekend. Anyway, the following Monday was a complete write off in terms of going to work so I took half the day off and went to the doctors to get sleeping tablets as I wasn't able to sleep at all for the previous 48 hours. My doc was a beautiful young lady about the same age as me and could really relate to what I was going through and I remember the best thing she told me was

" It's ok to feel like this today, its ok to feel what ever you feel tomorrow. Don't look at things that makes you upset, you don't have to figure our how you're going to get through the near future, just get through one morning, and one afternoon at a time"

 

like you I am absolutely devastated at being dumped by the love of my life. But for me I know that this time its NOT ME, ITS HIM. And for that, i can hold my head high and know that I have done nothing wrong. He is over reacting, and as a result of being too narrow minded about the current obstacle he wasn't able to see the happier bigger picture. I guess after living through the past month the only thing I can offer you is some of the things I did that kept me sane and enabled me to function.

 

1) Write to him and let him know that you comprehend what has happened and you will leave it at that. ( he can make sense of this comment how ever he wants because it kind of gives him the impression that you're letting go without being too definitive)

 

2) GO in to NO CONTACT for 30 days. I have Youtube the sh#t out of 'how to get your ex back videos" I don't know how likely its going to work, but these videos at least provides you with instructions and a structure to follow so you can function in the short term. As you know right now its just so hard to even break let alone know what to do. So instructions are good, no matter which direction its leading you to. As long as its constructive.

 

3) Start writing down your daily thoughts. Straight after you write it, shut the books and go do something else.

 

4) when ever you feel like you're coming on with a panic attach of the painful thoughts just quickly plug one of those self help you tube videos on. Brad Browning's videos really helps. This guy provides one on one coaching too which I found really helpful. He usually responds within two days of any email. This is good because it gives you something to look forward to. You don't have to suffer through this alone.

 

5) Go exercise. Spend some money on make up and hair. It makes yourself feel good

 

6) Find a couple of friends to tell. My friends kept telling me to MOVE On, it takes time, you'll be fine...blah blah but you know what, its just stuff you don't want to hear....Cos you still love him. You may not have to move on as he may come back, but in the mean time you just do what ever you feel like doing to not throw yourself off.

 

7) Stick to the 30 day no contact rule and focus. I tell you what, I am on to my 22 day of the 30 days. I can feel myself getting better. I mean it still kills me but the thought about myself being a good person and that my ex is the dumbest guy for letting me go actually started coming in to my mind often now.

 

8) Go out to a bar and stalk to strangers. Don't talk about your break up, just chat to them about them. It will temporarily get your mind off and take you into someone else's world.

 

9) Do not go for a rebound. Heal yourself first. The thought of the other person being with someone is going to kill you but you know what if I broke up with someone and then went on a meaningless rebound...and then if I were find out the person I broke up with kept their dignity, cool and composure and just went along their life being true to their own values ...i would actually start to feel bad about letting them go. Take the high road.

 

I don't know what your contribution to the relationship was like during your time together, but for me I know I gave my ex my very best. I was a supportive gf, a caring gf, and a respectful woman. For my ex to leave me while blaming the down fall of everything on me made me feel so worthless. But just by dealing with all the rockets thrown at me with grace and dignity alone....makes me feel so much better.

 

I can really relate to you. I hope what I wrote here helps you some what.

[andie1969]

Thanks Amor! It absolutely does help! Sometimes I think what we miss most is not the person themselves, but rather the routine of how things were. I've heard phantom text message notifications that made me jump, but no, it was nothing. And then thinking about the upcoming summer and all the plans we had and how we spent all last summer together doing fun things. I know staying busy is key, and with a 13 year old involved in lots of activities it won't be too hard. At least our kids are in different school districts so no running into each other. If I saw or heard about him with anyone else, it would kill me.

 

Did I wake up feeling great today? No, but maybe just a tad better than yesterday. My house is still a wreck, but I threw in a load of laundry & im headed to work today so that's progress. I haven't contacted him in over 24 hours since I sent that email & since I have him & his family blocked online I haven't been spying either. One day at a time right?

[Zahara]

One day at a time right?

 

Yes, one minute, one hour and one day at a time. Everything seems laborious and it's like an uphill climb to even wash your hair. But little steps, they're getting you somewhere slowly but surely.

 

You're doing everything right. You don't realize how strong you are but having been on this site for as long as I have, you are certainly a rare breed because I can't tell how many people prolong and draw out their pain by staying in contact, keeping doors open, staying in limited contact, etc. only to delay the inevitable.

 

You're doing great in terms of staying the course. Keep pushing forward.

[andie1969]

Yes, one minute, one hour and one day at a time. Everything seems laborious and it's like an uphill climb to even wash your hair. But little steps, they're getting you somewhere slowly but surely.

 

You're doing everything right. You don't realize how strong you are but having been on this site for as long as I have, you are certainly a rare breed because I can't tell how many people prolong and draw out their pain by staying in contact, keeping doors open, staying in limited contact, etc. only to delay the inevitable.

 

You're doing great in terms of staying the course. Keep pushing forward.

 

Well sadly this isn't my first break-up rodeo, I went through a divorce 2 years ago where I didn't see it coming AT ALL! We're talking I lost 20 pounds the first month! I was in a deep, dark hole, but we had been married 13 years, together 15. So in comparison a year shouldn't amount to much right? Still hurts and of course I want him to call to tell me what a huge mistake he's made. BUT I will NOT reach out to him in any way, shape or form!

[Zahara]

Well sadly this isn't my first break-up rodeo, I went through a divorce 2 years ago where I didn't see it coming AT ALL! We're talking I lost 20 pounds the first month! I was in a deep, dark hole, but we had been married 13 years, together 15. So in comparison a year shouldn't amount to much right? Still hurts and of course I want him to call to tell me what a huge mistake he's made. BUT I will NOT reach out to him in any way, shape or form!

 

Still hurts, no matter the relationship -- good or bad, short or long. A 2 year relationship ending was far more devastating than my divorce. Granted both took a toll on me but the former left me with severe weight loss, my hair was falling and I was sick all the time.

 

Good for you! Stay strong and when you feel like a relapse is round the corner, find your support whether it's LS or your friends/family.

[andie1969]

I've remained no contact, it's been easier than I thought although it's only been 2 days. However, I am kicking myself for even sending him that email yesterday morning!! Ugh, I'm sure it made me look weak and just stroked his ego. I only did it because I was literally dumbfounded on the phone Sunday and after thinking about it felt like I had so many things I needed to say. Well I said them, and there's no going back and undoing it, just moving forward and not sending anymore emails!!

 

The other thing I'm struggling with is the thought of him just going about his days as usual, all la-di-da...I'm sure he's not spending hours online searching on how to cope with a break up! I know it's not about him anymore, my brain does anyway, but my heart is hoping that he's feeling pretty crappy right now too.

[Zahara]

I've remained no contact, it's been easier than I thought although it's only been 2 days. However, I am kicking myself for even sending him that email yesterday morning!! Ugh, I'm sure it made me look weak and just stroked his ego. I only did it because I was literally dumbfounded on the phone Sunday and after thinking about it felt like I had so many things I needed to say. Well I said them, and there's no going back and undoing it, just moving forward and not sending anymore emails!!

 

The other thing I'm struggling with is the thought of him just going about his days as usual, all la-di-da...I'm sure he's not spending hours online searching on how to cope with a break up! I know it's not about him anymore, my brain does anyway, but my heart is hoping that he's feeling pretty crappy right now too.

 

I think the email is another nail in the coffin. If anything it allows you to see him for who he is. Anyone in your situation would have been dumbfounded and would possibly still be running in circles seeking answers. But ending it is an answer. Silence is a response.

 

The thing with your ex is that he had ample time to process the break-up in his mind -- the decision to break up was likely made awhile ago and he took his time to waffle with it, process it, decide and transition to the point he was able to let go and when he was ready he cut you at the knees. It's very selfish.

 

I'm sure he's feeling crappy. Dumpers go through their own process of moving on. But their crappy is more like -- who's going to pay me attention, now I have to start all over again, etc. not so much I lost the love of my life. Their emotions are fleeting because they checked out awhile ago. We are the ones left devastated, picking up the pieces from the unexpected fallout.

[andie1969]

I think the email is another nail in the coffin. If anything it allows you to see him for who he is. Anyone in your situation would have been dumbfounded and would possibly still be running in circles seeking answers. But ending it is an answer. Silence is a response.

 

The thing with your ex is that he had ample time to process the break-up in his mind -- the decision to break up was likely made awhile ago and he took his time to waffle with it, process it, decide and transition to the point he was able to let go and when he was ready he cut you at the knees. It's very selfish.

 

I'm sure he's feeling crappy. Dumpers go through their own process of moving on. But their crappy is more like -- who's going to pay me attention, now I have to start all over again, etc. not so much I lost the love of my life. Their emotions are fleeting because they checked out awhile ago. We are the ones left devastated, picking up the pieces from the unexpected fallout.

 

Yes to the bolded!! We just went away for the weekend the weekend before the break up, I feel like a fool thinking all was well and we were having the time of our life all the while he's mulling over how and when to dump me! For him to think I'd even want to be friends with someone who treated me like that is an insult!

[Zahara]

Yes to the bolded!! We just went away for the weekend the weekend before the break up, I feel like a fool thinking all was well and we were having the time of our life all the while he's mulling over how and when to dump me! For him to think I'd even want to be friends with someone who treated me like that is an insult!

 

For as long as I have posted on LS, it's been common when dumpees start threads with, "Everything was great, we went on vacation three weeks ago, we were making plans to do ABC for our next outing, he was saying how much he loved me, he was talking about buying a house and us moving in together." Then BAM.

 

Friends. That's just to alleviate their guilt. Doesn't make them feel like the bad guy if you accept to be friends.

[andie1969]

Just posting here because I'm feeling blah & weak tonight. I'm usually at his house Tuesday nights for dinner & to watch tv. Plus, I went for my phone to text him some good news about my daughter.... Ugh this sucks! Don't worry, I put the phone down.