Heart broken - guidance

[Beamer250]

Hi – I’ll try and keep this as brief as possible, but I could really appreciate some advice on how to view a relationship I’ve had.

 

Firstly, the slightly embarrassing stuff – I’m 39, average looking but not ugly, quite inhibited and shy, but also intelligent, a good group of friends and a good job. I’ve always been very nervous around women, mainly women I find attractive, and I’ve felt so exposed, so gimpy that it sticks out a mile. I’ve had a couple of good relationships but mainly with girls who started out as friends – I think I’ve got a bit more about me than I give myself credit for, and I guess I feel that very little (good) has happened naturaly for me, and it feels like I’ve always been a taker rather than someone with choices.

 

Anyway, I met a girl (shortly separated from her marriage admittedly, although she said the decision had been made a while ago). She just hit the spot – admittedly she was absolutely my type, but she was pretty, intelligent, everything I wanted, thoughtful, insightful….she was like a girl out of time, who’d lacked confidence in her twenties and married and had kids with the wrong guy. I thought – this could –could – be my time.

 

V briefly – we started dating. It went as follows:

 

~ I was very nervous and she bolted after a couple of months – I managed to pull things around and we started dating again. We had another blip six weeks later (she got jealous that I was seeing a female old friend from uni for an early dinner rather than going straight to be with her) but we ironed it out, probably with too much massaging from me. Finally, around a month later she bolted again after we had another lovely weekend (partly due to a job interview, partly due to me saying something generally about being ready to settle down although it wasn’t in the context of her, and also that it was only then that I realised that she was as recently separated as was). Again, I won her back.

 

 

 

~ We had a smoother four months – she was sometimes distant but did some really nice stuff for my birthday, said increasingly close things, I started to meet her parents. She then sent me a text saying ‘maybe we’ll be together….forever……’. She could be selfish at times, and I struggled to relax and be totally relaxed and confident, but a lot of the time it was nice, making love was amazing, and it seemed like everything had stabilised.

 

~ Then, things changed a bit, and quite quickly. I definitely was too needy (and she was probably frustrated by that as she’d gone further than she’d ever intended to in terms of feleings). I kept trying to consolidate, to seek ever more closeness, and following a weekend away in the Cotswolds at the end of October she definitely looked a bit more uncomfortable and reserved, and our personal chemistry deteriorated. There were still some warm points but she was standoffy, I saw her less, she sometimes looked awkward, started saying things like “My Mum thinks you’re great” and looked less pleased to see me. Equally, she was having issues at work (not for the first time) she had a lot on her plate generally, and she still did some things (turning up at my place in a trenchcoat with just sexy underwear – which threw me as we’d been not as close!). Things reached a head at one point – no chapter and verse but I was needy, she was taking me for granted, and she ranted at me saying things like “I always go for the wrong guys, the guys with issues that need fixing, I haven’t seen my friends for months”. To be clear – the not seeing friends was nothing to do with me, I texted her rarely in her weeks with the kids and felt I was pretty good generally in not trying to see her all of the time. I wanted to walk away but couldn’t bring myself to.

 

~ We stayed together, and for the most part Christmas was nice – there were still warning signs, massive warmth followed by distance, and she bought me a lot for Christmas but one thing did bother me – she bought me a ‘red letter day’ cooking session in Ireland but there was only one ticket – she said she’d buy hers at a later date but it really worried me (she sometimes operated in signs more than words). Thus said, I got a text on Xmas day when she was with her family/kids saying she didn’t want another Xmas day without me, I met her family boxing day – but we saw each other a lot over the festive period and by New Year she looked edgy again.

 

~ To finish, we were going to book a cruise in May which she’d said clearly over New Year that she had the money for – but come a week later, and not seeing her, she suddenly didn’t have the money. Stupidly, I paid a week later and following some warmth but she looked awkward – I know, I know. But the problem is following that, she made me a lovely scrapbook for anniversary in late Jan with ‘made for each other’ and lots of references to the future, she was lovey dovey on the weekend as a whole….and in between not booking and booking she was talking about meeting the kids even more, going camping in the summer. There were a lot of mixed signals – and even on the weekend she’d bottled booking the cruise, she ended up being lovey again and sending me some very powerful afterwards texts despite being edgy for the first half of the weekend.

 

Anyway, we went away for what turned out to be our final weekend on 5 Feb. Towards late Jan she had invited me to meet her kids again (which we did, but not as a boyfriend) and said I was special…..blah blah. Even up to the final weekend , she was sending some very warm messages and being nice on the phone, and arranging some things for after her family holiday away in abu Dhabi (11 Feb). But by the following weekend away (5 Feb) she was much colder, and it was like she’d made her mind up. Texts became perfunctory, she offered to do a couple of things for me and didn’t, and on the 10 Feb, day before she flew out, she came round for an early Valentine’s Day. She was late, she said she had to go early and instead of bring round dessert….she brought round a jumper she said she’d fix and just rather awkwardly said “sorry, not had time”. So I read the signals…….but equally, she brought me quite a nice V-Day card, that had some tickets in it for when she got back, she ended up staying…we made love, ate chocolate cake in bed. I slept in the spare room because I had a cold, and braced myself for her being cold and mind-made-up in the morning – but she lay there naked and said “come and get me”. She left, I got a lovey voicemail saying she loved me and would miss me……so I was confused again, having braced myself for what seemed the obvious end whilst she was away. She then went out to AD and whilst I got some occasional nice-ish (but not warm and asking nothing about me – although she did text “Happy Valentine’s Day gorgeous” on the third day out there.)

 

 

 

Texts and Whatsapp became sporadic – so towards the end, after she’d been back in the country for a few hours, I sent a grumpy text saying “what’s going on” not rude or abusive, just grumpy. Suddenly I was controlling and suffering from ‘separation anxiety’ which she said was claustrophobic when she was with her kids – honestly, I sent around six texts and three whatsapps over nine days – mostly in response to her messages. I was light touch! Then I got a nasty text saying “you won’t control me, you want someone who is going to worship the ground you walk on, we’re so so over’. I was dignified, basically said “ok” and still she came back saying “you think you’re so nice but you stalked me on whatsapp (I’m not sure how this was possible).

 

I left it a couple of days and we swapped some e-mails – I didn’t see her – and she basically was cold and said she’d never loved me (despite saying it hundreds of times in person and on text). I dropped her stuff round a couple of days later and left a card saying “just think carefully” – I spoke to her briefly and she was cold and callous. I e-mailed her once more to which she called me something unrepeatable amd texted my friend that I was stalking her and she was worried she was going to have to move house!

 

I’m just confused – she was always non-commital, could go times without seeing me, bottled booking the cruise, didn’t show me much respect at times (my Mum likes you etc) so perhaps it seems obvious that I was the needy boyfriend going out with a girl growing in confidence, getting hit on a lot, and knowing she was polished, gorgeous, and premier league. But why text someone on Xmas day the way she did. Why, after bottling the cruise, talk about going camping with the kids in the summer and asking me to sound my mates out? Why make a scrapbook in late Jan? Why still introduce me to her kids and say I was special? Why buy tickets in my VD card having been totally off with me for a week or so? Why still **** my brains out before she went and leave lovey messages?

 

 

I’m just confused…..and then why be so nasty, abusive and malicious when I’d done nothing wrong and given her loads of space? She said in her e-mails that I never meant anything, she was just carrying on as normal hoping to feel something - but she said and did a lot of things that didn't conform to that? But if she met someone else why the nastiness - it would just be 'passe' indifference.

 

 

 

What did it all mean? It's made me feel like I could never have been anything to someone like that, like they could always do miles better easily (better looking, more charismatic and at ease, funnier) and even someone who was just at ease with themselves would be warmer, funnier and more natural. I feel incredibly low and would appreciate some advice if anyone was willing to.

[Toodaloo]

She doesn't want you she just doesn't know how to tell you so next best thing is get mean in the hope you will go away by yourself.

 

Quit contacting her.

 

Take time out to heal and build your confidence up then go date someone else.

[Beamer250]

Yep - I guess what's that I didn't want to face. It's only that quite a lot of the nice things she did were off her own bat you know - so, she bottled booking the cruise (and I should have called her out) but she was very lovey dovey the following week when we were away....and the following couple of evenings I was getting unsolicited "you're so special - I could have talked to you all night (and a load of hearts) texts. And she introduced me to her kids again just before flying out (about a week or so beforehand). I can understand not knowing how to tell someone, saying I love you's.....I guess it's if she'd made her mind up well in advance, she had no need to introduce me to her kids (I wasn't part of her life). I can understand goodbye sex the night before she flew out...but why be so up for it the following morning, send me warm "I love you" messages on voicemail and text....that's what messed me up.