waterwoman Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 DDay was 26 Jun 2012. We have been to hell and back and now things are so much better. Haven't mentioned the A or the OW's name for well over a year. Feeling loved and safe and happy. I know H feels the same. We have found new and better patterns to communicate and look after each other. But yesterday two things happened: 1 Stupidly looking through ancient posts on here and there was a post by a MM who was considering whether to leave his marriage for another woman - he didn't blame his wife, he didn't claim that he never loved her - in fact he said she had been the love of his life for may many years but they had drifted apart. Broke my heart because that is how I think H felt at the time of his A. 2. Rumours at work circulating about a man who left his wife for a younger woman - cue plenty of jokes about how any man would love to find a younger woman, and how his wife will take him to the cleaners. As if it was funny or trivial in any way. Felt rubbish. H came to pick me up from work and I picked a fight with him just because I was feeling so crappy When will it end? I've tried so hard.... Will there always be triggers? Now back to normal but H left thinking he's married to to a flake and me feeling guilty. 7
jenkins95 Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Big hug (((waterwoman))) I've read a lot of your posts over the months since I signed up at LS, and you have contributed to many of my threads. As the BS, and me an MM, you have often respectively challenged me in exactly the way that I want and need to be challenged and made me think in ways that I should be thinking. You are a very valuable member of this forum. I guess we will never be fully immune from triggers. Yesterday my wife triggered because we bumped into some friends that we have known for years and it reminded her of earlier, simpler pre-A days, The fact that they still seemed so close and into each (and very unlikely to have been touched my infidelity) hurt her and made me feel very ashamed. It was quiet and uncomfortable between us for a while. We are only a few months into recovery, but your situation shows that even years later, triggers can be very powerful. I'm so pleased that, despite this, your recovery has proceeded well and that you are feeling safe and happy. Good for you! Office humour can be cruel sometimes. A whole thread appeared recently about a bunch of guys who were ogling girls in the office and referring to them as "their" girls. The wife of one of them found a text message and started a thread here - it really hurt her and led her to believe that he may be having an affair. In the end, it turned out to be ()very disrespectful, hurtful, inappropriate) banter - "guys being guys", and I think she put it behind her. But office humour leaves a lot to be desired sometimes. I think only people who have been touched by an affair could know just how hurtful the kind of jokes and comments that you refer to can be. Don't feel bad that you had a little go at your husband. It sounds like the affair is almost never mentioned between you now, which I believe at your stage is good and right. but the very occasional reminders that what we did was very hurtful, is probably a good thing. He will have learned so much from all this too and hopefully he will make an extra effort to make you feel special following this incident. Don't worry, you triggered, you don't do it often these days, and you handled it well and came here! Great stuff you! You are here for us and we are here for you waterwoman. Keep the posts coming. J DDay was 26 Jun 2012. We have been to hell and back and now things are so much better. Haven't mentioned the A or the OW's name for well over a year. Feeling loved and safe and happy. I know H feels the same. We have found new and better patterns to communicate and look after each other. But yesterday two things happened: 1 Stupidly looking through ancient posts on here and there was a post by a MM who was considering whether to leave his marriage for another woman - he didn't blame his wife, he didn't claim that he never loved her - in fact he said she had been the love of his life for may many years but they had drifted apart. Broke my heart because that is how I think H felt at the time of his A. 2. Rumours at work circulating about a man who left his wife for a younger woman - cue plenty of jokes about how any man would love to find a younger woman, and how his wife will take him to the cleaners. As if it was funny or trivial in any way. Felt rubbish. H came to pick me up from work and I picked a fight with him just because I was feeling so crappy When will it end? I've tried so hard.... Will there always be triggers? Now back to normal but H left thinking he's married to to a flake and me feeling guilty. 6
road Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Triggers will happen. With time the frequency will reduce and they will pass faster. So let time do it's work. Tell your H sorry about the other day you were triggering at the time. 4
jenkins95 Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 If anyone is interested, here is that thread that I referred to in my earlier post. A good example of how hurtful and poor taste office banter can be: - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/570513-my-husband-s-lies-form-cheating Sorry if this is slightly off topic, but it has often struck me as how cruel office banter can be and how it can hurt vulnerable people - not just affair related, but people who are vulnerable in any way. waterwoman's experience yesterday is just one example of this, even though there was of course no intention to cause hurt. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 DDay was 26 Jun 2012. We have been to hell and back and now things are so much better. Haven't mentioned the A or the OW's name for well over a year. Feeling loved and safe and happy. I know H feels the same. We have found new and better patterns to communicate and look after each other. But yesterday two things happened: 1 Stupidly looking through ancient posts on here and there was a post by a MM who was considering whether to leave his marriage for another woman - he didn't blame his wife, he didn't claim that he never loved her - in fact he said she had been the love of his life for may many years but they had drifted apart. Broke my heart because that is how I think H felt at the time of his A. 2. Rumours at work circulating about a man who left his wife for a younger woman - cue plenty of jokes about how any man would love to find a younger woman, and how his wife will take him to the cleaners. As if it was funny or trivial in any way. Felt rubbish. H came to pick me up from work and I picked a fight with him just because I was feeling so crappy When will it end? I've tried so hard.... Will there always be triggers? Now back to normal but H left thinking he's married to to a flake and me feeling guilty. Triggers will always happen...but they will become less frequent. As you heal....they will also have less of an impact. I am sorry you felt bad.....hugs to you. You will get better....one day at a time. 5
wmacbride Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Triggers will happen, but it does get better. Some ws find it hard to accept that their bs might always have events and situations that bring the affair back to their mind. The good news is that as time goes by, they happen less and less, and often, when they do, they ar less extreme. I have found that what is helpful for us is to talk about them, as things that you face head on you can deal with. Hiding them or pretending they didn't happen can just end up building ressentiment the bs and that can poison your marriage. 4
Author waterwoman Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 Thankyou. It was frightening that all the feelings I had a few years ago briefly came back He was the enemy - he had bought distrust and betrayal into our home. I couldn't take criticism however minor because as soon as he suggested that I was wrong I saw him as 'that man' again - the one that I had conjured out of my pain, the one who despised and sneered at me and I reacted like a guard-dog at an intruder. No mercy. I hated myself for that and I hate that I went back to it even briefly. However H and I went walk along the canal to a pub and we chatted and laughed and he talked me down. The fact that he did that without defensiveness and that I let him is a good thing I guess. 5
Author waterwoman Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 Big hug (((waterwoman))) I've read a lot of your posts over the months since I signed up at LS, and you have contributed to many of my threads. As the BS, and me an MM, you have often respectively challenged me in exactly the way that I want and need to be challenged and made me think in ways that I should be thinking. You are a very valuable member of this forum. J Thank you jenkins. I guess the reason that I feel the need to challenge you is that I think you and your wife sound very similar to H and I. And I know just how much work we needed to do ...and how needy I was. I also know that H kept telling me 'how well I was coping' because I tried to stay calm and measured as much as possible - but I wasn't really coping well - who could in all honesty? I get worried that your perfectly understandable concern with your OW will damage your reconciliation which is a fragile beasty at the best of times. Never never never assume that your wife is OK and doesn't need your support and love - because she will. 4
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Thank you jenkins. I guess the reason that I feel the need to challenge you is that I think you and your wife sound very similar to H and I. And I know just how much work we needed to do ...and how needy I was. I also know that H kept telling me 'how well I was coping' because I tried to stay calm and measured as much as possible - but I wasn't really coping well - who could in all honesty? I get worried that your perfectly understandable concern with your OW will damage your reconciliation which is a fragile beasty at the best of times. Never never never assume that your wife is OK and doesn't need your support and love - because she will. Yep... For the rest of your lives. Time is a friend... It gets better... But infidelity has a way of raising its ugly little head when you least expect it. You will always have the elephant... But you can put him in the back yard and get him out of the room. He's still there... And you won't forget him. 4
ladydesigner Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 (((waterwoman))) those pesky triggers, they are awful aren't they? I still have my breath taken away sometimes with a really good trigger and it is not always my WH's infidelity that does it. I agree that triggers lessen over time, but don't be surprised when one affects you more than usual or catches you off guard I think that is normal too. Reason I say this is because I still get triggers from my childhood that will affect me like ground zero again, not often but it gives me a good jolt when it happens. Be gentle on yourself. 3
Cloudcuckoo Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 DDay was 26 Jun 2012. We have been to hell and back and now things are so much better. Haven't mentioned the A or the OW's name for well over a year. Feeling loved and safe and happy. I know H feels the same. We have found new and better patterns to communicate and look after each other. But yesterday two things happened: 1 Stupidly looking through ancient posts on here and there was a post by a MM who was considering whether to leave his marriage for another woman - he didn't blame his wife, he didn't claim that he never loved her - in fact he said she had been the love of his life for may many years but they had drifted apart. Broke my heart because that is how I think H felt at the time of his A. 2. Rumours at work circulating about a man who left his wife for a younger woman - cue plenty of jokes about how any man would love to find a younger woman, and how his wife will take him to the cleaners. As if it was funny or trivial in any way. Felt rubbish. H came to pick me up from work and I picked a fight with him just because I was feeling so crappy When will it end? I've tried so hard.... Will there always be triggers? Now back to normal but H left thinking he's married to to a flake and me feeling guilty. Oh my goodness, dear waterwoman...it's so difficult to say that we hope one day we will never have to feel so awful again isn't it? But sometimes we simply DO! Sometimes something just sets its off, no matter how far we've come in terms of building new, firmer foundations, or in terms of time...months...years...decades... If it's any comfort, my husband's four year affair started in 2006..and in spite of our happiness now, our diligent attention to building a healthier marriage together, there are still occasions when something terribly simple and seemingly insignificant and superficial will have the propensity to send me back by years!.... What happens at times like these is that I tell my husband every detail, every feeling, every bile induced thought, and then I wallow in those feelings for an agreed time (agreed by me, to myself) before I get up and take that step forward with my head up....... 4
Satu Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 snip Felt rubbish. H came to pick me up from work and I picked a fight with him just because I was feeling so crappy *When will it end? I've tried so hard.... Will there always be triggers? Now back to normal but H left thinking he's married to to a flake and me feeling guilty. *It will never end, but life will get better, and you will move forward. Call Jung said: "Always resolving, never resolved." At first sight that statement looks like a negative, but it isn't. It just means that you carry on healing forever. It means that you get more and more good days, and less and less bad days. Enjoy your life. Thats what its for. Take care. 3
minimariah Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 hugs, waterwoman. take this as just one of the bad days... but tomorrow will be better! i think you'll be fine. 1
seren Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 Waterwoman, we are almost 8 years along from D Day and when things are wonderful I trigger. i think it is the fear of being totally happy that makes me think, hold your horses seren, remember how everything felt wonderful before and look what happened. I usually go quiet, H asks what's wrong and I tell him. We deal with triggers together and it passes. I don't think we will ever be free of triggers if we have known infidelity, but it's not the triggers that's the problem, it's how we deal with them. I'm glad you posted how you and your H were able to sort it out and have a better day. I don't come on LS too often these days, I don't always relate to feeling like a BS, but sometimes when insomnia strikes I pop in to see how everyone is. I wonder if being on LS triggers, it can for me. It was a Godsend in the early days, but now, I am just so saddened that there are others going through it all, it never ends. But for those of us who have reconciled, it changes, it never completely goes, so triggers as natural. I hope yours get less. Take care xx seren 2
angelcake Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 It is so sad to read how BS have stuck it out, and still feel the pain even years later. You have my respect and I think you are incredibly strong. I don't know if I could do it. Your love for your WS must be incredibly strong to put yourself through this for them, and to fight for your relationships. All the best to you. 2
Jersey born raised Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Hi, I am sorry your husband didn't recognize you where triggering. Since he didn't today hug him and tell him. Reconcilation is a for ever process. He needs to accept this and know it is his place to try to keep you safe. Have you read the 5 love languages?
NotCamelot Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 My DD was 5 weeks before yours. And I know exactly what you mean...........things are feeling quite "normal" again.......as normal as they can get, I guess. A few weeks ago, my W and I turned down an aisle in a grocery store. There they were - face to face - the OM and his W. I couldn't help it, reflex made me exclaim "son of a bitch". My W quickly pulled me in the other direction. She was saying, "We'll just go." I never said another word. We paid and left, never seeing them again. It was really quiet for the rest of the evening. I, again, had a bad dream about the mess that happened 4 years ago. It took a day or two until I felt decent again. And, yes, I understand your frustration.........when does the crap ever stop? I feel good 99% of the time now. I hope you are doing as well. 1
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