Need trying to understanding "break" and gf behavior

[zen523]

Hi Everyone,

 

Going a little bit crazy and super confused and was hoping to get some clarity or advice. I have been dating my gf for 5 years. The last 3 years have been long distance (i was living abroad then opposite coast). I am almost finished with my job and returning to LA. About 5 weeks before I return I was seeing family in LA and everything seemed fine (no fights, distance, or any indications). We had been serious (had consistently talked about spending rest of lives together/soulmates/etc.). I started talking about some investing I was making for us and she kinda freaked out and said she "needed a break." That the long distance has been really tough on her and that she needed time to "be the person that you deserve" But she doesn't want to say how long it would be. She also said she didn't know if I could balance law school with being with her (she is going back to school as well) and so even if we were in same area, the distance would be too much (says that saying goodbye is too tough every time she or I leave, even to return to her home from mine) I got really anxious and said break doesn't really work and so together or not, she said not. Then next day I backtracked and went to have lunch with her to beg for a chance and gave ideas how we could work on problem together. She said that she spends all her time thinking about the relationship and feels inadequate in her own life and feels insecure in ability to secure the type of life I want. After a couple more talks I decided to support her and support her in the break. She still wants to be friends and even though we are "on break" she texts me often and asks to hang out.

 

I am confused because she says she hates the distance, but I was returning in 5 weeks and now she is cutting me off when I am getting back. Also she focuses on past when I wasn't around, but I am now returning. She keeps saying, "its not goodbye" and then talks about learning to be independent to make us better but also says "cant predict the future." or "we will get used to talking to each other in a nonromantic way" or "i am also taking a big risk that you will find someone else" Also why does she want space but keeps initiating contact with me and immediately wants to switch to being friends. Does this mean that she wants to get back and is confused, or wants to breakup and is confused? Also what she means by break to make her "the best person that you deserve"

 

What do you think are my options (really in love with this girl and don't want to end it especially so close to everything we talked about while apart finally happening)

 

sorry for the ramble, have been really torn up and no chance for relaxation (at same time looking for new job, ending old one, and finding apartment).

 

thanks for any help

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm sorry, I'm going to be blunt.

 

You are showing strong signs of desperation and neediness.

She wants to break UP with you.

In her heart, she's no longer into this, and wants out.

Your desperate pleas and begging made her relent because she feels guilty for dumping you, so she's going along with this break scenario but please - PLEASE - Get This:

 

It's actually over.

It's finished but now she has seen how you reacted, she's trying to let you down more gently.

Which in the end, will hurt you more.

 

This talk of 'supporting her' in a break, is utter nonsense.

You don't support your partner in a break. You give them distance and leave them alone.

That's what she wants.

Unfortunately, she wants it permanently.

 

Your very best option is to contact her and admit you realise she wants out, that it hurts but that a clean cut is probably best than lingering like this.

 

 

Then go No Contact.

 

I'm sorry, but she's emotionally detaching and moving on.

A break just gives her breathing space.

Once you reconnect, you'll find that she is still unhappy.

 

The kindest thing for both of you is to throw in the towel, and accept that this is finished.

 

Read the NC Guide in my signature. That's what you will have to do.

[faithfully]

I agree with everything Tara has said.

 

You just have to except it my friend, it's over!!!

 

A break doesn't mean a break, it means a break up. I learnt the hard way.

 

All you can do is go NC immediately, don't tell her just vanish and work on yourself.

 

Why would you stick around for somebody who doesn't want you, rejection hurts soo bad but you pick yourself up and move on

 

Go NC from now if you haven't

[zen523]

thanks

 

your both right

 

i guess i was holding out hope because i had broken up with her and we had gotten back and some friends had said her insistence on having a break and not breaking up meant possibility of getting back together (when it seems more like a strategy for me to do the breaking up while she can remain passive)

[zen523]

quick question:

 

so after conversation i gave her distance and didn't communicate, but she kept trying to get in contact with me and wanting to hang out why especially if she wants to break up with me?

 

thanks for advice it is really helpful

[TaraMaiden2]

Because she feels guilty. She knows that to break up will be heart-breaking for you.

She is trying to achieve some semblance of friendship.

She thinks this will be a better gentler way of letting you down.

 

it isn't.

 

And I hate to say it but any 'attempt' at friendship is as much for their benefit, if not more, than yours.

If a dumper can maintain a friendship it means you have forgiven them, are willing to be a buddy, and therefore the break-up is not so bad, emotionally, right?

 

Wrong.

Agreeing to be a friend is a really bad idea. Wrong move.

Check out the Guide. It's all in there.

[faithfully]

Please don't be friend, it's way too soon maybe 7-20 years down the line you might considerate it then.

 

As a woman I've said to my ex who I broke up with 9 years ago let's remain friend only because when I finished him he threatened to kill himself. Being friends is just a way to let you down gently as she's already hurt you, being friend will probably lead to being more distance til one day you decide you've had enough and cut her off.

 

Don't be friends, don't contact her, vanish just cut her off.

 

Value yourself, love yourself, you are more than that

[Jersey born raised]

The relationship is done and she is trying to fade you. It's a from of grey rocking. Is she going to a monastery? So she is offering you a friends with no benefits hoping you move on.

 

It takes a strength of character to say no, or it's over. She does not have it. Frankly it is a posdible red flag for any of her relationships going forward. It is a characteristic of a cheater.

 

Your best course is to fade her.

 

Bye the way a great lawyer is the person who tells their clients what needs to be done to get what they want and how to do it. Not what they have to settle for.

[TaraMaiden2]

The relationship is done and she is trying to fade you. It's a from of grey rocking. Is she going to a monastery? So she is offering you a friends with no benefits hoping you move on.

 

It takes a strength of character to say no, or it's over. She does not have it. Frankly it is a posdible red flag for any of her relationships going forward. It is a characteristic of a cheater.

 

Your best course is to fade her.

No, it isn't. That's inductive reasoning.

A potential cheater may do this, but a person who does this is not a potential cheater.

 

Bye the way a great lawyer is the person who tells their clients what needs to be done to get what they want and how to do it. Not what they have to settle for.

He's the lawyer, she isn't.