XNemesisX Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 I stopped seeing the guy who was in a committed relationship (not married) for a while and didn't think I would go back to him...that didn't last long apparently. I was doing so good at not seeing him or sleeping with him anymore but I had a relapse and went back to him. I was with him all day yesterday and the night before. I must enjoy misery...I know I will just start liking him again and he will always put me in the 2nd place position I guess I'm just wondering how do you get the motivation to stick with not seeing a MM or a guy with a girlfriend? I feel so evil and guilty right now for doing this behind his girlfriend's back... I talked to my friend about it last night and she says that unless the guy is married then he's fair game. Do you think that since he just has a girlfriend and he's not married that that makes it better? Is he really fair game? My thoughts are just so scattered right now... why would a man in a so-called happy relationship even want to cheat? It's not like he just has sex with me, he wants to spend lots of time with me and we talk on the phone a lot too. What is the point of this?!?!
alphamale Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by XNemesisX I talked to my friend about it last night and she says that unless the guy is married then he's fair game. Watch out for your friend cause she may be plotting. Pretty soon this dude may be cheating on his g/f with you AND your friend.
d'Arthez Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 It is not fair game, because his gf won't have a clue about this. If he is commited to exclusivity with her, it does not mix well with the required non-exclusivity he would need to see you on a level playing field for you and his gf. As long as he hides you from his gf, it is not a fair game. Imagine you were his gf. Would you find it a great thing, that your bf would be testing the waters extensively with another girl? Would it be okay for said boyfriend to hide the other woman from you? Of course not. Edit: And even if she were aware of your existence, I highly doubt it would be fair game. Who wants a man who can't decide between two women? If you don't force a decision either way, he is going to keep you both. He was not exactly the person with the guilt problems about the whole situation, if I remember correctly. And that won't be different in the same situation. The only thing you can do, is to stop seeing him, at least until he has broken up with her, and healed from that relationship. An impossibility in itself, so it seems.
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 I talked to my friend about it last night and she says that unless the guy is married then he's fair game. Do you think that since he just has a girlfriend and he's not married that that makes it better? Is he really fair game? I don't think so. What if a couple isn't married but been together for years? Does age have anything to do with it? Look back into our highschool days...MANY of us were dumped, cheated upon etc., maybe in our minds that is more acceptable to allow that behaviour because we more or less KNOW that the person isn't forever. At 17 who really is thinking this guy is IT??? Know what I mean. It's later in life, settling down, finding someone - getting comfortable with them and then they cheat - makes it so much worse because the mindset isn't as it was at 17. My thoughts are just so scattered right now... why would a man in a so-called happy relationship even want to cheat? It's not like he just has sex with me, he wants to spend lots of time with me and we talk on the phone a lot too. What is the point of this?!?! EGO, selfishness, wanting his cake and eating it too. No doubt he has feelings for you, but his feelings are unfair to you and to his girlfriend. Just isn't fair sharing somebody - You deserve ONE MAN who will love you and ONLY you. I don't think you'd like it the other way around either - If your guy was having abit of something fun on the side. You're not evil, you're just not thinking clearly. Your heart is taking over and the fact he makes YOU feel good, why would you want to give that up? That I'm sure is hard to walk away from, but walking away is the right thing to do. Remember the pain you went through before? HE isn't worth it, he will hurt you again, not intentionally but the situation itself won't change.
millefiori Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by XNemesisX I talked to my friend about it last night and she says that unless the guy is married then he's fair game. Do you think that since he just has a girlfriend and he's not married that that makes it better? Is he really fair game? What??? You'd still deserve a smack on your butt even if this was a rhetorical question. I wonder what you would do if your ex cheated on you with some dumb blonde and she told you he was fair game. Stop excusing and deluding yourself! Drop this idiot immediately.
alphamale Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez The only thing you can do, is to stop seeing him, Originally posted by whichwayisup HE isn't worth it, he will hurt you again, not intentionally but the situation itself won't change. Originally posted by millefiori Drop this idiot immediately. Please note, XNX, that I did not ask you to stop seeing this dude. I just said to watch out for your friend.
newbby Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 its no different to if he were married FOR YOU. it doesnt matter whether he is fair game or not, if he wanted to be with you and not his gf he would leave her for you, in fact it makes it worse, because what exactly is stopping him from leaving her? if you want him for yourself then let him fight for you, you are giving yourself away cheap. you are letting him be with you without him having to do anything, he doesnt even have to leave his gf!! let him miss you now, let him chase you and dont give in to him until he has decided he wants you, and only you.
Ladyjane14 Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 Married is MARRIED. Not married is NOT married. Fair game....I suppose. Although, I can't understand why you'd want him if he's lying to someone else.
Author XNemesisX Posted June 18, 2005 Author Posted June 18, 2005 Thanks you all for the great replies! My internet has been down or I would have responded sooner. I guess I am being stupid. I don't know why I continue to see him. I was doing so damn good...but now I'm back to square 1. I just called him back but I did make him wait like 24 hours for a call back from me mwahaha Usually when I don't call back right away, he seems to go for me more. I guess I should add that he doesn't seem to be too crazy about his girlfriend..or maybe that is just how he acts around me. When I was with him the other day and she called he acted really unenthused. He also didn't end the conversation with "I love you." He just said "Bye" and then she said something to him about not telling her he loved her so he said it (with hesitation). He tells me that every time he tries to break up with her she won't let him and/or she starts crying and makes him feel guilty and so he stays with her. He says she is a really sweet person and he feels bad about breaking up with her because she hasn't done anything wrong. I'm starting to get frustrated about this. P.S. He also recently took her virginity so I would bet the odds are not in my favor. He probably feels guilty about breaking up with her after he did that. I do notice that when I talk about other guys he never seems to have anything good to say about them, acts irritated, etc. Does this mean anything? WHY am I putting myself through this? It seems that some of you think it is fair game and some of you don't. They have probably been dating about 4 months (?) but they are saying they love eachother. It seems their relationship is more one sided. Oh...and I do know how bad it feels to be cheated on. I was cheated on for 2 years by my ex. You would think I would not "help" someone do this to their own girlfriend. I guess I feel like they haven't dated very long and his heart is not into it as much as it should be. Although, I can't understand why you'd want him if he's lying to someone else. Good point...I really can't answer that. Alphamale~ Watch out for your friend cause she may be plotting. Pretty soon this dude may be cheating on his g/f with you AND your friend. Weird thing is...if he were to cheat on his girlfriend with another person I would feel cheated on! This whole situation is so f***ed up..but yet I have a HARD time walking away...
AndrewJ Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 Nem, personally I dont like this cloak and dagger sort of stuff. Its the stuff that sickens me to the core about humanity. He has to make a decision u cant go on like this he has to choose!
CurlyIam Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 If he wasn't sleeping with his gf, now we all know why he is seeing you. But since she is offering him her goodie bag... I think you're in an even tougher position. It blows my mind, you are willing to call a guy who has a gf and obviously does you a defavour by coming at your place, and yet you won't call the nice looking waiter who was interested in you and would want something genuine with you . Nem, you're such a beautiful woman, I'll never understand why you're selling yourself this short!
Chris777 Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 Originally posted by XNemesisX He tells me that every time he tries to break up with her she won't let him and/or she starts crying and makes him feel guilty and so he stays with her. He says she is a really sweet person and he feels bad about breaking up with her because she hasn't done anything wrong. He is so Noble P.S. He also recently took her virginity so I would bet the odds are not in my favor. He probably feels guilty about breaking up with her after he did that. Again What a Noble Gesture , I am sure her next guy will want to shake his hand. I do notice that when I talk about other guys he never seems to have anything good to say about them, acts irritated, etc. Does this mean anything? as long as he has all the honey pots, all is good with the world. WHY am I putting myself through this? I thought I was helping my "poor abused" GF get out of an abusive marrage. which she (eventually) did , only I guess she missed it too much as she ended up dumping me, and moving on to another one (abuser). as for you, we don't know why your personally still in it sure its time and investment wasted, but do you really want to see children hurt, when they eventually occur ? It seems that some of you think it is fair game and some of you don't. They have probably been dating about 4 months (?) but they are saying they love eachother. It seems their relationship is more one sided. I has a buddie that I tried to warn, he hooked up with one of our co workers when her marrage supposedly went sour. He apparently put quite a few miles on her, and even wen't as far as buying her a ring. Well apparently it is something she just does, as my friend wasn't the first, she just needed to make the hubby jealous. (Luckily he was able to return the ring.) Oh...and I do know how bad it feels to be cheated on. I was cheated on for 2 years by my ex. You would think I would not "help" someone do this to their own girlfriend. I guess I feel like they haven't dated very long and his heart is not into it as much as it should be. I guess it doesn't bother you that he took her virginity, after you 2 had been involved. I know it felt like having a rusty ice cream scoup in my heart , every time i found out she had went back to her 1st ex, because " she had to convince him that divorce would be the best thing for the 2 of them", and or "that she was afraid he might hurt himself". Of course the convincing always involved intercouse. Its funny how she always cared more about the feelings people that physically hurt her, or verbally. Than those that truely cared for her. Like I did, and now our daughter. Question would you tell your friends to stick with the guy if they were in the same situation? Weird thing is...if he were to cheat on his girlfriend with another person I would feel cheated on! then why don't you? This whole situation is so f***ed up..but yet I have a HARD time walking away... Why, think about it I have unfortunately been on both sides, of the equation with the same woman. i keep hoping she will change, for our daughters sake (not to mention her other 3 kids) but weve been divorced since 97, and its not looking good. do you really expect your guy to?
miss-gonewest Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 To me he's not really fair game.... I know I'd spit it if I found out my man of 4 months was shagging around on me... I guess I live by the motto - do unto others... I'd hate it so I'd hate to put someone else through it; therefore I've never done it personally. But this love/sex stuff is funny, when your emotions are involved its a whole new ballgame. If you are just with him till something better comes along, then good for you - just make sure you do move onto that something better as soon as it crosses your path. If you don't want commitment and just a shag, then you're a stronger person than me.... I'd want him all to myself!
Author XNemesisX Posted June 19, 2005 Author Posted June 19, 2005 Originally posted by miss-gonewest I guess I live by the motto - do unto others... I'd hate it so I'd hate to put someone else through it; therefore I've never done it personally. I have always felt that way also. I know EXACTLY what its like to be cheated on and its TERRIBLE. Although, unless the person knows about it....then there is no pain. As much as I hate to say it, I would probably be better off NOT knowing my ex cheated on me. The pain is immense. So...as I told him: even if they were to break up I feel that he should never tell her about our relationship. It would just cause her unnecessary pain. If you don't want commitment and just a shag, then you're a stronger person than me.... I'd want him all to myself! I definitely want more than a shag....I would like for him to just want to be with me and me only... Originally posted by CurlyIAm It blows my mind, you are willing to call a guy who has a gf and obviously does you a defavour by coming at your place, and yet you won't call the nice looking waiter who was interested in you and would want something genuine with you . That nice looking waiter....yep I blew it with him. I ended up sending him a text message which he NEVER responded to. I gave up on that one. I should have struck while the iron was hot and he was pursuing me. I definitely screwed my chances with him by not returning his calls when he liked me. I wish I could take that back. Originally posted by Chris777 I guess it doesn't bother you that he took her virginity, after you 2 had been involved. It DOES bother me. I just feel like I don't have the right to be angry or hurt about it. Afterall, he is not my boyfriend. It does sicken me when I know that he has sex with both me and her in sort of short time frames. Do you all think I should tell him up front that it is either me or her? I guess I am scared to say something. He already knows how I feel..(I told him once when we were all out drinking and I tend to let things like this slip after a few drinks). I don't want him to think I am crazy about him or that I'm getting all posessive or trying to force him into being with me. I guess I was hoping he would take the initiative himself. I don't want to seem weird by telling him that I like him again and to choose.... What do you think I should do? What would you all do if you were me???
miss-gonewest Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 Originally posted by XNemesisX I definitely want more than a shag....I would like for him to just want to be with me and me only... It DOES bother me. I just feel like I don't have the right to be angry or hurt about it. Afterall, he is not my boyfriend. It does sicken me when I know that he has sex with both me and her in sort of short time frames. What do you think I should do? What would you all do if you were me??? I'd cut my ties with him - not answer his calls, not give it up to him and try and force his hand. If he cares about you and wants to be with you, you have to give him a chance to miss you and to see how good you are. While you are around and giving him what he wants, he won't see what you really mean to him and he will happily go on sampling from each of the dishes on offer... you need to prove that you are the tastiest one! Of course, you may lose this one but at least you will know and you can walk away with dignity (and hopefully into the arms of a single, loving hottie! )
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 He tells me that every time he tries to break up with her she won't let him and/or she starts crying and makes him feel guilty and so he stays with her. He says she is a really sweet person and he feels bad about breaking up with her because she hasn't done anything wrong. I'm starting to get frustrated about this. P.S. He also recently took her virginity so I would bet the odds are not in my favor. He probably feels guilty about breaking up with her after he did that. See, he either has a huge heart and really doesn't want to hurt her because he does have feelings for her, BUT he also is playing a game as well. To be her first time and knowingly be involved with you is not fair to her. He has cheated HER out of a wonderful first time in a way because he wasn't fully there. What does he tell her when he tries to end it? If he really wanted out he would not allow her crying and trying to make him feel guilty be a factor. Truth of it is, he probably doesn't know for sure how he feels about her because of his feelings for you. He needs to decide WHO he wants, can't have his cake and eat it too. Originally posted by XNemesisX It DOES bother me. I just feel like I don't have the right to be angry or hurt about it. Afterall, he is not my boyfriend. It does sicken me when I know that he has sex with both me and her in sort of short time frames. Do you all think I should tell him up front that it is either me or her? I guess I am scared to say something. He already knows how I feel..(I told him once when we were all out drinking and I tend to let things like this slip after a few drinks). I don't want him to think I am crazy about him or that I'm getting all posessive or trying to force him into being with me. I guess I was hoping he would take the initiative himself. I don't want to seem weird by telling him that I like him again and to choose.... What do you think I should do? What would you all do if you were me??? I would tell him when you end it completely with her, then call when you're available. Right now he isn't going to change things. Why should he? He has his girlfriend and he has you. He isn't going to rock the boat on this, I mean if he really was serious about ending it with her, he would have just gone ahead and done it, put his own feelings first and not "settle" with somebody he may not really love. He's not being fair to her and her heart is attached to him, yet he's not to her. The other thing to think about, if things end with them - Make sure enough time goes by for him to be alone. Even then he comes to you - Will you truely be able to trust him 100%? If he says night out with the boys, are you going to wonder if he's met up with his exgf or somebody new? Just don't want you hurting as you are now. Tell him "Me or her." XN, you don't deserve to be second best in his heart, you need a man who will desire only YOU.
Ladyjane14 Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Maybe the compromise solution would be that this young man screws up his nerve and tells his girlfriend that he wants to see other people. I don't see a compelling reason why he can't break whatever exclusive agreement he has with her? I don't see why you couldn't both date him in good conscience, if he were to do that. It would level the playing field, and also reassure YOU that his interest is genuine. It's NOT like he's married to the girl.... but he IS lying to her. So that puts you in an awkward position; one that clearly causes you discomfort. I don't see ANYTHING wrong in single people dating more than one person, or 'playing the field' as it were. As long as they avoid the trap of exclusivity, they'll avoid most (but not all) hard-feelings. If he were sure of either of you....he wouldn't be trying to date you BOTH on the sly. Nothing wrong with not being sure....he's NOT married yet. Why not just fess up to not being sure, and date around until he knows his own mind a little better?
Chris777 Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by XNemesisX I have always felt that way also. I know EXACTLY what its like to be cheated on and its TERRIBLE. ......... The pain is immense. So............ It would just cause her unnecessary pain. And you are wanting to hook up with this person who doesnt care about the pain they cause others..... especially you I definitely want more than a shag....I would like for him to just want to be with me and me only... So you are willing to put up with his insanity because you want him? That nice looking waiter....yep I blew it with him. I ended up sending him a text message which he NEVER responded to. I gave up on that one. I should have struck while the iron was hot and he was pursuing me. I definitely screwed my chances with him by not returning his calls when he liked me. I wish I could take that back. so instead of pursuing someone who might not be a bad match for you, you want to continue to pursue someone who has no concern for your feelings whatsoever? It DOES bother me. I just feel like I don't have the right to be angry or hurt about it. Afterall, he is not my boyfriend. It does sicken me when I know that he has sex with both me and her in sort of short time frames. . another warning sign..........has he given you the "I was imagining you while i was sticking her " line yet? Ask him how he feels about being intimate with 2 (or more) women in such a short period of time? unless he is doing it for purely the sex, do you really want someone so calous? Do you all think I should tell him up front that it is either me or her? I guess I am scared to say something. He already knows how I feel..(I told him once when we were all out drinking and I tend to let things like this slip after a few drinks).. He knows EXACTLY how you feel , yet HE CHOOSES to hurt you, instead of her, because she is such a nice girl , and you are ok for him to use , since your feelings obviously dont matter. Somewhere down the line it has become OK behavior for him to disreguard you, as a person. So in effect, you are a stranger, that it is ok to hurt, since your feelings dont matter to him. I don't want him to think I am crazy about him or that I'm getting all posessive or trying to force him into being with me. I guess I was hoping he would take the initiative himself. I don't want to seem weird by telling him that I like him again and to choose.... He has already made the choice has he not. You told him how you feel, and it isnt important enough to him to bother with. What do you think I should do? What would you all do if you were me??? Run, and never look back, You are human toilet paper to this guy, Disposable, You have your use, to fufill his needs, but when he is don, in the end, you just arent important to him. Look AT actions. And look at it rationally without your heart, and your own desires. Would you really advise one of your friends to put up with him? Would you advise someone on here to put up with it? On a side note, I still cant get over how dating, someone has become just as synonomous with having sex with them. The attitude, towards it is like its just kissing. Sure some people can keep a detachment. But it made me physically ill to know a girl i cared about had kissed someone, much less screwed them.
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