Rupp Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Long time lurker, first post. I just recently broke up with my girlfriend of three years. I fell out of love with her and the fire went out on my side, so I decided the best thing to do was to end it. Quick back story: we met and started dating in college. I moved to her city after a brief one year LDR and got a job...we moved in together this past summer. Once I started my new job, I met this coworker. Man, she is stunning. She's the whole package...beautiful, intelligent, etc. etc. Now, I kept my distance in the fall, but a bunch of coworkers always would invite me to hang out every now and then. She would be there and we got along great. I started to think "what if" about this girl around Christmastime. Fast forward to this month. This coworker and I pretty much established that we felt something for each other. The week before I broke up with my girlfriend, we all went out together. We were drunk, but we were very lovey dovey - holding hands, dancing, etc. Couldn't help ourselves. We ended up kissing for a bit at the end of the night. We had a long talk about how we both liked each other, wanted to see where it went, etc. She knew about my troubles with my girlfriend. She didn't want to be involved with my breakup, but said if I did breakup with my ex and I asked her on a date, she'd say yes. Now, fast forward again. I have been checked out of my ex and I's relationship for awhile, obviously, and we just broke up a week ago. I'm in the process of moving out (not staying there - staying elsewhere) with my ex. This coworker and I have been texting a lot lately. Not really about much, just random chatter. We don't see each other much at work. When we do, we say a few words though. I am pretty much always the one who initiates the texting, though. My question is...I've been out of the game for awhile, so when is the proper time to make a move? I feel like there's a lot of questions left unanswered, but I feel like I'm coming on pretty strong. I would love to know if she's still interested in pursuing something, or if something has changed...but I don't want to freak her out or make her feel like I'm being clingy/needy. Or that she's a rebound. That being said...I see something with this girl. She's special. Don't want to mess it up. What do I do?
Standard-Fare Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Give this some time to breathe. Any reasonable woman isn't going to a) get involved immediately with someone who broke off a six-year relationship a week ago, b) want to feel in some way responsible for a breakup ... which let's face it, she is in some ways -- would you have had the balls to call things off with the ex if not for this prospect right in front of you? It would be more concerning if she was all over you right now and ready to dive into this without hesitation. And looking at this strictly from YOUR angle... you need to take some time emotionally process the end of a long-term relationship. You can't do that if you just start right up with someone else straight out of the gate. Also, assuming you still care about your ex in any way, have some respect for her here... think about how hurtful it would be for her to see you starting a new relationship so immediately. 1
Author Rupp Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 It was a 3 year relationship, not 6. Either way, I realize your advice doesn't change. She has expressed her guilt that she could be "the reason"...but in my opinion, she was not the REASON, she was simply the catalyst. I feel that this would've happened regardless somewhere down the line. I'm not saying I want to ask her to be my girlfriend right now...but I would like to get to know her better and maybe take her on a date or two.
smackie9 Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Stop over thinking it, and just keep it very casual. Hangout, make it fun and no obligation to be physical. No pressure.......
Standard-Fare Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 It was a 3 year relationship, not 6. Either way, I realize your advice doesn't change. She has expressed her guilt that she could be "the reason"...but in my opinion, she was not the REASON, she was simply the catalyst. I feel that this would've happened regardless somewhere down the line. I'm not saying I want to ask her to be my girlfriend right now...but I would like to get to know her better and maybe take her on a date or two. I think you gotta wait a few weeks before asking her on a date. If it's not too "heavy," maybe you can in some way explain to her that you're trying to allow some appropriate time for closure. If you can't be that direct, maybe you could find some event or something that's a few weeks down the line, and ask her now if she'd want to go to that with you. Just something that can be like, "Look, game is on. But we can't act on this right this second."
smudge21 Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 I reckon taking your time and not jump straight into a new relationship would show a great deal of respect to your ex. As you said, you just fell out of love so rather than live a lie, you ended it. As hurtful as that must have been for her, it was the right thing to do. Maybe this new girl would really like the idea that you are showing that level of respect to someone else, rather than just jumping into the next available bed and flaunting it all over social media (like many do).
Standard-Fare Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 I do have to say that I feel bad for your ex-GF in this scenario. I know you said the relationship was already on the decline by the time you started crushing on your coworker, but still - that played a role here. I'm not sure whether your ex was aware of that happening or not, but you'd certainly confirm any suspicions if you jumped right into a relationship with the new girl. Even if you tried to hide it, I'm sure your ex would find out/put the pieces together. Granted, that outcome might be inevitable now matter how long you wait, but ... waiting does show a bit of respect. Not only for your ex, but for the new girl as well, showing her she's not just your quick ticket out of a dead-end relationship.
Author Rupp Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 Granted, that outcome might be inevitable now matter how long you wait, but ... waiting does show a bit of respect. Not only for your ex, but for the new girl as well, showing her she's not just your quick ticket out of a dead-end relationship. I agree with you...I still think very highly of my ex and don't want to disrespect her in any way. I also am wary of my coworker's feelings. I don't want her to think she's just being used because I'm lonely, newly single, or whatever. I'd like her to know that it's because I truly like her, not for any other shallow reason. How do I convey that to her? I told you all...I'm bad at this. Like a lost kid.
Standard-Fare Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 I also am wary of my coworker's feelings. I don't want her to think she's just being used because I'm lonely, newly single, or whatever. I'd like her to know that it's because I truly like her, not for any other shallow reason. How do I convey that to her? I told you all...I'm bad at this. Like a lost kid. This doesn't have much to do with you being "good" or "bad" at dating - it's just that this situation is super fragile and the timing is terrible. There would be no great answers here for anyone in your shoes - you don't want to drop off and leave her hanging right now, but you also can't go at it hard (as much as you're inclined to). I mean, are you close enough with her to talk about these things openly and honestly? Can you be like, "You know I like you. Can we ride this out?" You definitely need to give her confirmations of your continued interest, but scaling up to dating right now is probably just not going to work.
Recommended Posts