Zahara Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 I've always stuggled the most with being worried how my ex bfs perceive me and this was pouring salt in a wound he knew I had. I lost count the many times this guy has kicked you in the gut, yet you CHOSE to leave little windows open for him to have access to you. It seems like no matter how much people hurt you, you still seek their validation. There's nothing wrong with him checking out whenever he's in close vicinity with you. I've done with it an ex whenever we were in the same space. Eject. Disengage. You take it personally because you want to change his perception of you, you're hoping for his acceptance, needing his validation. You want that "civility" crap so badly that you'd sit there and pretend you're alright. Your response to him -- again validation seeking. All that "respect your space, thought we were cool, thought I upset you, I don't want to be your enemy, I want you to be happy." All you had to do was block him and move on. I hope this teaches you a lesson. Block him from having access to you. Otherwise, you'll still be months into with very little progress. 2
Toodaloo Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Wow. Thank god that one is an ex. Just ignore him and carry on. Next time he runs away just look at him as if he is weird say nothing then turn your back on him. You should have blocked him now on social media so you should not come into contact with him. Who cares what he thinks?! 1
BC1980 Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 i texted him and said "are you okay? I guess you are building quite a bit of hatred toward me when I've left you alone until this point trying to respect your space, i just dont understand where this is coming from? It went from feeling like things were cool between us for the circumstances to feeling like i did something to upset you. Im not trying to be your enemy, I want you to be happy but if you have some stuff you wanna squash you know my number Something fundamental that you are missing is that there is NOTHING between the two of you. You are going for indifference. You are not trying to make things cool between the two of you or make sure you are not enemies. Similarly, you are not trying to make him an enemy or make things difficult. You are going for no relationship, good or bad, no emotional involvement either way. 1
Author BUBS Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 I agree with all the posters Im well aware that seeking validation and being concerned with others opinions of me is a problem I have. I have trouble controlling my anxiety when I feel there is conflict and because he is so intertwined in my life via our locations and our massive group of mutual friends it makes me feel more inclined to try and pretend things are ok between us for the sake of attempting to keep my social life as normal as possible. I understand I sound like a broken record and that a great deal of the pain occuring are things i could have avoided if I had tried a different route. I have been going new bars and hanging with new people as much as possible. I regretted texting him yesterday but I wasnt trying to attack him. I genuinely upp until this month thought things were becoming more civil between us and his behavior at the time didnt come off to me like he was protecting himself but rather like I had done something to upset him that I overlooked. Regardless I texted him and regret it and its my own fault I'm in pain right now, which I understand. He does have every right to lash out on social media with anger directed at me even if I felt it wasnt justified I guess. All of my previous partners didnt behave like this so I took his behavior not as him running out of bars to protect himself and heal or him thrashing out as a means of that either. It seemed harsh and juvenile when he broke up with me and I had been nothing but nice to him throughout that process. I'll try to be more considerate I guess.
Author BUBS Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 and yes thats correct too, I should be going for a place of indifference with him not a place of involvement. The damage is done from texting him what I did which clearly shows I'm not indifferent yet. So now I just block and stuff?
Zahara Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Bubs, this mess has been clouding over you since way back in 2014. I have a feeling you're still accessible to him via social media, unless he has been the one to block you or deny you access? 1
Zahara Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 So now I just block and stuff? What?!?! You're asking? 2
BC1980 Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 I genuinely upp until this month thought things were becoming more civil between us and his behavior at the time didnt come off to me like he was protecting himself but rather like I had done something to upset him that I overlooked. What kind of relationship do you have with him that would make you think things are getting more civil between the two of you? Do you see and talk to him often? Do you interact on social media? Because if you are in NC, then there is no relationship that will be civil or otherwise. Either you have regular contact with him, you stalk him from afar online or through friends, or you are making up a relationship in your head. Either way, it's bad news.
Author BUBS Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 z- I did block him on everything. As for his access previous to this he was already blocked on instagram on my personal account and unfollowed onn facebook, now he is blocked on everything. bc- when I refer to it seeming more civil i am referring to previous break ups in which he was downright nasty to me. Over the past few months when we had to deal with one another i.e when he was getting his things throughout January from the apartment he was kind and so forth and welcoming in a casual and civil way. He contacted me on my birthday at the end of February behaving as if we were also cool saying "have a drink for me!" etc etc. as well as on Christmas exchanging in short conversation. I dont expect us to be friends, but it seemed that in the circumstance that perhaps like my other ex bfs we were working toward a place where eventually in large group settings the both of us would be able to handle a quick hello etc so friends wouldnt feel the need to choose and exclude and so that it wouldnt be as uncomfortable if or when we saw one another. March was when he shut down completely and yes now I see from the forum that perhaps it was not something i did but rather his way of coping and me having to accept that my group of friends will have to keep us seperate till hes comfortable if ever
stillafool Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Sure enough this morning he broke his silence with "LOOK AT ME IM IMPORTANT" and proceeded to unfollow me. I really felt so upset when i know I shouldnt have. He obviously thought you did that to get his attention and it pissed him off. Please block all access to him and him to you so you can move on. Even if you are in the same social groups it doesn't mean you have to be intertwined with him in any way. Stop trying to be his friend because it's obvious he doesn't want to be your friend.
Zahara Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 (edited) z- I did block him on everything. As for his access previous to this he was already blocked on instagram on my personal account and unfollowed onn facebook, now he is blocked on everything. bc- when I refer to it seeming more civil i am referring to previous break ups in which he was downright nasty to me. Over the past few months when we had to deal with one another i.e when he was getting his things throughout January from the apartment he was kind and so forth and welcoming in a casual and civil way. He contacted me on my birthday at the end of February behaving as if we were also cool saying "have a drink for me!" etc etc. as well as on Christmas exchanging in short conversation. I dont expect us to be friends, but it seemed that in the circumstance that perhaps like my other ex bfs we were working toward a place where eventually in large group settings the both of us would be able to handle a quick hello etc so friends wouldnt feel the need to choose and exclude and so that it wouldnt be as uncomfortable if or when we saw one another. March was when he shut down completely and yes now I see from the forum that perhaps it was not something i did but rather his way of coping and me having to accept that my group of friends will have to keep us seperate till hes comfortable if ever You didn't block him on Twitter. You mentioned that you didn't "unfollow" him because he wasn't active. Leave no window, door, crack open. Shut it all down. What I don't get is that this guy bounced you around and mistreated you for so long. If anything, you shouldn't even have to care about being civil. You ignore. Like he isn't even around. Even if at a gathering, you can just pretend that he's not there. There is no need for niceties. Welcoming his contact on your birthday, exchanging conversations during X'mas -- what was the point in all of that? You don't have to be friends or practice civility with people that treat you poorly. Edited April 1, 2016 by Zahara
BC1980 Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 bc- when I refer to it seeming more civil i am referring to previous break ups in which he was downright nasty to me. Over the past few months when we had to deal with one another i.e when he was getting his things throughout January from the apartment he was kind and so forth and welcoming in a casual and civil way. He contacted me on my birthday at the end of February behaving as if we were also cool saying "have a drink for me!" etc etc. as well as on Christmas exchanging in short conversation. I dont expect us to be friends, but it seemed that in the circumstance that perhaps like my other ex bfs we were working toward a place where eventually in large group settings the both of us would be able to handle a quick hello etc so friends wouldnt feel the need to choose and exclude and so that it wouldnt be as uncomfortable if or when we saw one another. March was when he shut down completely and yes now I see from the forum that perhaps it was not something i did but rather his way of coping and me having to accept that my group of friends will have to keep us seperate till hes comfortable if ever You shouldn't be responding to a Happy Birthday text or Merry Christmas, ect. You will never move on if you leave the door open like that, and the only reason you are leaving it open is to get his validation. You seem to need to be on good terms with him for some reason. You don't have to be on good terms with every human being you have ever crossed paths with. You need to instill boundaries so you can become indifferent to him. As far as having mutual friends, you probably need to avoid him for the foreseeable future in those instances. Realistically, how often would you see him in social settings? I think you are using this idea of seeing him around mutual friends as an excuse.
SixxChick Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 We joked about writing a book "I lost my dignity so you don't have to." Please let me know when I can pre-order a copy.
ChickiePops Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 So did you do it to get his attention? Because it kinda sounds like you did...
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