Broke nc after ex jabbed at me on [social media]

[BUBS]

Its been about a month and a half since we broke up. We've had other break ups in the past to which I didnt do great but I did what I HAD to do, I.E- going to the gym, spending time with family, doing what I could to do positive things for myself during my grieving. I guess because I know this break up is the real deal its hitting me a little differently. I don't know if I'm looking for advice just so much as support. I feel very alone. My friends who are all mutual friends with him as well are very tired of dealing with us clearly after 4 break ups in 2 1/2 years, and I dont feel comfortable speaking about it to begin with because they are friends with him also. I am very isolated because of this. I try to journal, and speak to my mom about it but I'm just not in a very good place.

 

I'm finding it difficult to find the motivation this time around to be good to myself I guess. Usually I thrive on the motivation that he will be back or some circumstance coming up where I'll run into him and not want to be in a bad place to stroke his ego... so I do well. This times different. I was laid off shortly before the break up and while I am grateful to have the time to mourn the loss and not have to fake a smile at work, I feel the extra time is starting to do be a disservice. I barely go to the gym if ever, I stay up late drinking because after sitting in my house all day if I get a call about anything going on I'm so desperate to take my mind off him I go. I havent been dating like I usually casually do, I'm just not doing well. I don't have hobbies really, I've always thrived on socialization more than anything, and relationships. I miss him terribly and theres constant reminders everywhere. Of course everyone has to deal with this, but I'm not accustomed as much. Most of my break ups have occurred in a circumstance where I or the other person ended up moving shortly after. I can't move this time because my family is not well, so I feel horrifically overwhelmed.

 

I know none of this is unusual. That everyone on these boards is going through the same struggle in some way emotionally that I am. I'm just reeling in pain more so lately that its setting in that its truly over. I don't know what direction to go in anymore. I feel like I have very little hope as absurd as it sounds for my future. Of course I know time will do its job, despite whatever set backs or pain I experience throughout it, but I am getting such a bitter and terrible outlook on life, love, and just everything that my desire to continue is much less than usual.

Edited April 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DrMario]

If it makes you feel any better, I am right there with you, ordinarily I can maintain myself and do what I have to do to keep myself going, work, exercise, eat healthy, and the things I enjoy.

 

Lately (especially through the holidays) I have felt drained of all life and because my ex lives close by, I have restrained myself to in house activities so that I may stay out of her way, the fear of seeing her is crippling.

 

I have been through many break ups in my life time and I can honestly say I have never had an easy time breaking up with people and it hasn't gotten any easier this time around, my only comfort is knowing that I eventually moved on to better days, the real killer for me is the moment I wake up and have no control over the thoughts that come swimming into my head.

 

My only aim now is to heal and work on myself, slowly but surely working through my part of what had caused the breakup and working to ensure that is may never happen again with anybody else in the future, I say that with a heavy heart as I won't be dating anybody for quite some time and I say that fully accepting that she is done with me and most likely, I won't hear from her again.

 

You have been brave to soldier through 6 weeks of this torment, keep on going and start planning for your future, try to look forward for that and give yourself a clear goal, my goal is to save up and have a place of my own again.

[BUBS]

I havent really exchanged contact with the ex since we broke up a little over two months ago. While we share the same group of friends I havent ran into him or tried to for that matter. I contacted him to congratulate him a few weeks ago on getting his license back after losing it for 7 months. We exchanged a few civil texts back and forth and ended the conversation. Obviously this set me back for a few days but I got over myself.

 

A few months ago I approached him when we were still together about going to Florida in the beginning of February to celebrate my grandmothers 90th birthday and then to drive down to south florida to celebrate my birthday with our mutual friends that live there and my sister. It was in the works of being all planned out when we broke up. Knowing I had to go regardless of my sadness that he would not be coming with me I booked my flights for the middle of Feb several weeks ago and had told my best friend that just moved back there that I would be down during those times.

 

Yesterday as I was scrolling through instagram I noticed one of our mutual guy friends had posted a picture of him and my ex and wrote in the caption that in two weeks he would be coming to visit him in Florida. I am absolutely livid. None of my friends bothered to inform me that right before I get there he would be going there and staying with them. And to add insult to injury while I understand he can do whatever he pleases it feels like a personal jab at me in my paranoid and irrational mind. Why not go in March when spring break is happening or any other time? Why did he just have to make sure he went right before I went. I know it sounds childish for me to assume it has anything to do with me at all, it just feels all too suspicious and like there were ulterior motives. Not to see me or anything like that, but to just kind of throw it in my face.

 

I needed this vacation, Valentines and my Birthday away from all of my constant reminders here that he isnt with me celebrating. Now I'm gonna be watching him have the vacation we were supposed to have all week before I get there via my other friends social media posts and their stories once I arrive. I'm just in general in a bad place and this was the setting off thing that occurred. I know its bigger then this stupid thing clearly or else I wouldnt care. I know I cant make myself move on any faster. I guess I just needed to vent. I'm feeling super isolated and alone lately.

[BUBS]

I've remained civilized and poised in the two times we spoke minimally over the past 2 months. I didnt beg except the night we were breaking up or send any crazy texts or anything. Fast forward to today he texted me to get the remainder of his things after work. I knew this was coming because he booked a trip to florida next week right before I go and he left all of his summer clothes in my attic.

 

So I've had his things packed in a box and taped up for well over a month, since before Christmas actually. I planned to keep it cool. Originally I was going to put the stuff outside and leave it at that but of course it was pouring rain. So he came to get his things, first time seeing him since 3am when we broke up 2 months ago. Hes quick and wont look me in the eye but civil, grabs the box and the remaining bags and high tails his behind out of there. Was there about a minute tops, I didnt even see what he was wearing or even looked like.

 

Fast forward to about an hour later I realize i forgot to give him his old skateboard that hes kept since he was a kid. So i text and let him know and apologize. He says its no problem and he will get it one of these days. I say "okay". Problem solved.

 

Then he texts me a bit later and says "Thank you for everything. I'll see you around." so I'm like hmm ok, and texted him back and said "I didnt do anything but dont sweat it haha! Take care of yourself" ...

 

AND THEN IT ALL COMES FLOODING BACK INTO MY BRAIN. I drunkenly wrote him a letter right before christmas and shoved it in said box. I forgot about this letter entirely. In overthinking why he would randomly say that to me I remembered the letter and that after confessing my love for him, my apologies to him, blaming myself for the entire thing and how much i missed him, that I finished the letter with I love you so much. "I'll see you around".

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

So now I'm wrestling with the fact that I'm not sure if this guy thinks I wrote this letter recently. I vaguely remember dating the letter but again not 100% ... I feel like an absolute psycho. Do I text him and let him know I forgot about the letter and apologize or what the hell. This is a guy that is friends with ALL of my friends mutually. I've lost quite a bit of dignity so far in taking him back 3 other times and this time he isnt coming back and its been a whirl wind. I just want to handle myself with poise and dignity for a change.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, I can (feel) how it must seem to you, with the "I'll see you around"...

 

 

but the last line or two, the part where you've taken him back three other times, probably supersedes all else, and you should let him go, for the best...

[BUBS]

Thanks sincere. I am trying extremely hard to let him go while maintaining a level of seeming "aloof" so to speak to him and our peers so that it makes it less awkward in the future if theres big events or gatherings we are both involved in. Hence my devastation over this. I still love and miss him very much, but I've maintained my composure since the break up because he doesn't need a letter or anything else to confirm this. He knows it hurt me to loose him especially after I took him back again, he knows I love him and miss him without me saying a word. He knows I would've done anything for him. But that doesn't help my situation. Its one thing for him to know using common sense. Another for me to drunkenly write it in a letter and willingly hand it over it to him haha.

 

I guess I'm not sure if it will make it less awkward the next time I have to deal with him if I send him a Hey just to let you know I forgot about the letter in the box of your things and that was written a while back sorry disregard text... or if I dont say anything and let him go to town with my letter as ammo that I'm not over it or crazy and so forth. I know i shouldn't care what he thinks, and that my friends will still be my friends, but there are certain social situations I dont want to be excluded from in the next few months as well that I feel I will be if my friends or he thinks I'm gonna blow a gasket if I see him. Plus he took so much from me throughout the relationship emotionally, I became very insecure and spineless that this was the last way I wanted to be remembered.

[Zahara]

I guess I'm not sure if it will make it less awkward the next time I have to deal with him if I send him a Hey just to let you know I forgot about the letter in the box of your things and that was written a while back sorry disregard text...

 

The more attention you bring to it the more awkwardness you create. It only sounds like you're trying to save face. You said what you said. Own it and move on.

 

Whether you say something or not, he can still use it as ammo regardless of when you wrote it. It's only been 2 months -- I'm sure he knows you're not completely over it, letter or not.

 

If you want to be remembered as strong and composed, don't say a thing.

[BUBS]

Thanks Z I appreciate the reply. I didn't text him about it. I do at this point want to save face. While I'm not blaming him or anyone but myself by allowing him to come in and out of my life as he pleased and everything else I have lost a great deal of respect for myself. When I took him back the last time, when I shouldnt have in order to ensure he grew and learned his lesson when he started to and to ensure my sanity. Another 7 months go by and he is finally done for good. The problem with an on and off again relationship I've found is that I process the break ups differently now. For the first 2 months while I grieved and stressed and mourned the loss plenty and tried to tell myself he wouldnt be back this time, because hes come back 3 other times it didnt fully set in that we would never be together again until yesterday when he got the remainder of his things. We've always broken up for a month to a month and a half so its really hitting me hard now for some reason. I know again this is no ones fault but my own. I was foolish. I trusted him when he blatantly showed I shouldnt have time and time again. And in the end he left me feeling responsible for the break up yet again and like the immature irrational one. Which I guess in that context I am immature if I continued to allow this all to happen. So I am humiliated. Among many other emotions.

[Brando]

Thanks Z I appreciate the reply. I didn't text him about it. I do at this point want to save face. While I'm not blaming him or anyone but myself by allowing him to come in and out of my life as he pleased and everything else I have lost a great deal of respect for myself. When I took him back the last time, when I shouldnt have in order to ensure he grew and learned his lesson when he started to and to ensure my sanity. Another 7 months go by and he is finally done for good. The problem with an on and off again relationship I've found is that I process the break ups differently now. For the first 2 months while I grieved and stressed and mourned the loss plenty and tried to tell myself he wouldnt be back this time, because hes come back 3 other times it didnt fully set in that we would never be together again until yesterday when he got the remainder of his things. We've always broken up for a month to a month and a half so its really hitting me hard now for some reason. I know again this is no ones fault but my own. I was foolish. I trusted him when he blatantly showed I shouldnt have time and time again. And in the end he left me feeling responsible for the break up yet again and like the immature irrational one. Which I guess in that context I am immature if I continued to allow this all to happen. So I am humiliated. Among many other emotions.

 

Eh, we've all done some silly things going off our emotions and what our heart tells us to do. Don't mention the letter or anything to him. Silence speaks much louder in this case. Don't be humiliated. I sat with my sister the other night and talked about all the crazy things her and I have done and have have had done to us after a breakup. We joked about writing a book "I lost my dignity so you don't have to." Haha. When she was 19 she poked a hole in her tire so she could call her ex to ask him to save her. He found the knife in the car that fit perfectly with the stab mark on the side of the tire....

 

You're note was how you felt at some point....who cares. Put it behind you and enjoy your new freedom to do great things and meet new people.

[Zahara]

Hey Bubs, I've been away from LS for awhile but is this the same guy we talked about before?

 

If it is, I want you to stop blaming yourself for the demise of this relationship. This guy was very toxic for you. And in relationships that are all over the charts, it really plays heavily on your emotional and mental stability. I went through all kinds of turmoil myself with a situation similar to yours many years ago and in the end I felt like I was psychotic. It brings out the worst in you.

 

You'll learn from this experience. Yes, I know you wish it never happened and you wish you made better decisions but the worst of situations sometimes teaches you the greatest lessons.

 

You're going to hurt and feel despondent for awhile. You're going to question your behavior. You're going to beat yourself down. It's a process but that process will get you somewhere and it won't always be this way.

 

For now, say nothing to him. Don't internalize it but talk about it with a trusted friend or on LS. Stop engaging with him and you don't really have to hang out with this circle of friends if it's going to hurt you. I believe you had this predicament the last time we spoke and many suggested that you start to maybe use this time create some distance and peace in your life. You can always hang out with friends separate from him and I am sure your friends will understand. You just don't want to derail yourself because you're concerned about keeping up with appearances when your priority is healing from this.

[Toodaloo]

Bubs quite the texts.

 

Just shrug and let it go. Drop his skate board off at a friends to pass on or his mothers or something.

[pidgeon1010]

I wouldn't text him to say anything. I realize it is eating you up but I think doing nothing in this situation is the most appropriate course of action. I'm sure he's seen it and chose not to say anything directly about it. I would follow his lead.

[BUBS]

Thank you to everyone who replied!

 

To be honest most of my frustration comes from the fact that the relationship became much like a power trip, for the first year he was obsessive and committed to me, whereas I was not as much to him. In a way I knew he was wrong for me, but enjoyed the company and just wanted something stable. We had similiar sense of humor and so forth but something was missing for a long time for me that didnt click. I felt like the more serious he got the more I manipulated myself into projecting that same level of seriousness back to him. Once I finally began to commit despite all of my reservations and he began to withdrawel I became a blubbering emotional mess who stroked his ego constantly and was needy, pathetic, overly attached and desperate to keep him in my life in any way possible. I get so mad at myself for this, even if we cant control it, I feel like when I am far over the guy I will still be frustrated that he and everyone else will go on with their lives percieving me as the one that was so head over heals madly in love and invested, when in reality I just became infatuated with getting my power back. I did love him, but I truly believe that its turned into more of an obsession, which is infuriating to have depicted losing him as the worst thing that could possibly happen to me in front of him so many times.

 

z- I have tried to get out of my social circle. I have issues with change I guess, seeing as I was willing to take a man I wasnt even into originally and treat him like a god amongst men till i actually believed it all to avoid having to get back out there and deal with discomfort. I have no friends outside of our mutual friend circle. We all grew up together, its made up of 25-30 people that I've known all since grade school. I even tried going on craigslist to make new friends. I've tried everything but none of them seem to stick.

I agree with everything you said though, I feel like an absolute basket case. I've always thrived on what other people thought of me, and maintained a reputation in a group of friends that is mainly made up of males of being someone that was cool,calm, collected and fun as hell to be around, one of the boys even. This relationship changed everything. I became "that girl" thats crying and complaining and cant shut up about her relationship issues. I'll always be crazy now in his eyes and everyone elses. It sounds so juvenile for someone that is about to be 27, I just cant shake the horrific emotions I feel when I imagine him feeling like he is Gods gift to women because I was so caught up on him.

 

I booked an appointment I cant really afford with a shrink. But I just feel so utterly low about it all. I used to be the girl who drove guys crazy and now Im the least attractive version of myself, I'm the girl I used to hate. I got laid off a few weeks before he dumped me (shocking I know when he dumped me the other three times when things were the hardest in my individual life) and I havent found work. I spend way too much of my time reeling this whole thing over and over again in my head while he happily continues his life feeling like the "man" for having cracked and turned me into mush when my reputation for as long as we all have been friends is that I was "untouchable" in a sense. I know it all sound shallow, its just the kind of day I'm having. Yesterday I was madly in love with him and couldnt bare the idea of never holding him again, and today I'm furious with myself that I ever even gave him the time of day. Break ups suck

[DarkHorizon]

I've always thrived on what other people thought of me, and maintained a reputation in a group of friends that is mainly made up of males of being someone that was cool,calm, collected and fun as hell to be around, one of the boys even. This relationship changed everything. I became "that girl" thats crying and complaining and cant shut up about her relationship issues. I'll always be crazy now in his eyes and everyone elses. It sounds so juvenile for someone that is about to be 27, I just cant shake the horrific emotions I feel when I imagine him feeling like he is Gods gift to women because I was so caught up on him.

 

I booked an appointment I cant really afford with a shrink. But I just feel so utterly low about it all. I used to be the girl who drove guys crazy and now Im the least attractive version of myself, I'm the girl I used to hate. I spend way too much of my time reeling this whole thing over and over again in my head while he happily continues his life feeling like the "man" for having cracked and turned me into mush when my reputation for as long as we all have been friends is that I was "untouchable" in a sense. I know it all sound shallow.

 

 

Well, you are not your ego. You definitely are not your personas.

In other words, since you seem to be aware and analytic about the role and effects of "reputation" and "what other people thought of" you, it might be a good time to drop all that and figure out who you really are and what you really want. Clearly, you already realized how shallow all that is. Make an effort to stop function through what others think about you, and especially what HE is thinking about you or the relationship. It is over, and what he thinks doesn't matter at all anymore.

 

Of course, some of us still want the best for them, which includes less emotional suffering. So whatever they are feeling still matters, for the simple reason we wish them well. But whatever they are thinking about the relationship, about us, about other people... that is just completely irrelevant.

 

Breakups, although incredibly painful, are among the best experiences to rediscover, reinvent and learn about ourselves.

[mightycpa]

No, **** it. Who cares what he thinks?

 

Also, let that be a lesson to you. Even if the letter is only for you, put dates on those letters.

[Zahara]

z- I have tried to get out of my social circle. I have issues with change I guess, seeing as I was willing to take a man I wasnt even into originally and treat him like a god amongst men till i actually believed it all to avoid having to get back out there and deal with discomfort.

 

Change is difficult. It pushes you out of your comfort zone and we prefer familiarity because it's safe. We've all, at least one point in our lives stayed in a bad relationship for way too long. It's not out of the ordinary so yours is not an isolated case.

 

I have no friends outside of our mutual friend circle. We all grew up together, its made up of 25-30 people that I've known all since grade school. I even tried going on craigslist to make new friends. I've tried everything but none of them seem to stick.

 

I've always thrived on what other people thought of me, and maintained a reputation in a group of friends that is mainly made up of males of being someone that was cool,calm, collected and fun as hell to be around, one of the boys even.

 

Personally, friends are overrated. At least that's how I feel. Instead of putting all your energy into friend seeking, use the time to improve yourself. Be your own champion. Focus on finding work. Volunteer your resources. Do things that cultivate you. It's time to stop seeking validation and acceptance from people because at the end of the day, you are the only one that can determine your own sense of self and value. If you want to meet people, go for meetups. You may/may not make friends, but at least for that few hours or so you get to interact with new people and of like mindedness. And at least you'll be engaging in an activity that you like.

 

I got laid off a few weeks before he dumped me (shocking I know when he dumped me the other three times when things were the hardest in my individual life) and I havent found work.

 

I remember. You both had moved into the apartment and he decided to leave. You had just started a new job and couldn't afford the apartment on your own. Well, it took awhile for you to learn but let this be the last time you go through this again. Sometimes you need to get whacked a little more than desired to learn and this is it. No more. As painful as it is, you know you'll get through this. I've done it. You can too. It's just going to take time. Cliche but true.

 

I spend way too much of my time reeling this whole thing over and over again in my head while he happily continues his life feeling like the "man" for having cracked and turned me into mush when my reputation for as long as we all have been friends is that I was "untouchable" in a sense.

 

I think you're overthinking and creating scenarios in your head. Maybe he's not even thinking about all of that. Maybe he's feeling some level of remorse. Maybe he's going about his day like nothing ever happened. I hardly think he relishes turning you into pulp. I think those thoughts are self-defeating.

 

I know it all sound shallow, its just the kind of day I'm having. Yesterday I was madly in love with him and couldnt bare the idea of never holding him again, and today I'm furious with myself that I ever even gave him the time of day. Break ups suck

 

And you'll go up and down. Tomorrow you'll feel a different emotion and it will cycle through. Yes, break ups suck. I've been through my fair share.

Edited February 2, 2016 by Zahara

[BUBS]

Its been over three months since the break up. I knew it would be unlikely to heal entirely in this amount of time, I guess I hoped that because we had so many other break ups that I did some of my mourning during those and this would be an easier one for me. I don't believe hes coming back this time, and the whole "false hope" thing is minimal with the exception of that ego driven force of wishing he regretted his decision after all I did for him. But I still miss him and love him more so than I'd like to. I've been trying to distract myself with spontaneous trips away from this state that reminds me of him and far too much drinking/socializing.

 

I made the foolish mistake of drunkenly hooking up with a mutual friend on the last vacation I took, it was the first guy I've kissed since my ex and of course word spread like wildfire throughout our group of friends. I know I shouldnt care what my ex thinks when in all reality hes running around with anything that moves, but I do care what he thinks of me. I worry he will take it as a jab to him. I guess I'm just projecting my own feelings of shame onto what I assume he will think of me.

 

I already mentioned I havent been doing well this time around in a previous post. All of our other break ups while difficult always sparked an insane motivation to better myself. I handled them with grace and poise despite crying in my bed at home and being devastated, my responsibilities took priority. I'd work out, diet, lose weight and gain confidence... I'd go to church, go to work, journal, pray, listen to affirmations, cook, read, meditate anything that was positive and productive. Of course it didnt heal the pain of heartache, but it didnt add more pain in me feeling angry at myself over my behavior or life. This time I just cant get it right no matter how hard I try. I've gained weight, spent money like a fool, drank too much. I try to find the will, but I've fallen into such a deep depression that I cant pick myself up. I've been going to therapy, praying, journaling as well hoping that would help. I just dont get this level of hopelessness this far on. I'm still so in love with someone who clearly wasnt worthy of that.

Edited March 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Toodaloo]

This time I just cant get it right no matter how hard I try. I've gained weight, spent money like a fool, drank too much. I try to find the will, but I've fallen into such a deep depression that I cant pick myself up. I've been going to therapy, praying, journaling as well hoping that would help. I just dont get this level of hopelessness this far on. I'm still so in love with someone who clearly wasnt worthy of that.

 

What you have not done is look after yourself.

 

You haven't kept fit, you haven't treated yourself like a worthy human being, you haven't gone out and had some fun.

 

Take a look locally and pick some things to do then grab a friend and go and do them. Enrol in dance lessons or sports etc, wash your hair, figure out new ways of styling it. Get a hair cut. Limit your alcohol intake. Paint your toe nails and paddle in the local lake or sea/ river.

[BC1980]

I think this time is harder because you know, in your heart, that it's over for good. No more false hope this time. This is the same guy from your previous threads right?

[Zahara]

I've gained weight, spent money like a fool, drank too much. I try to find the will, but I've fallen into such a deep depression that I cant pick myself up. I've been going to therapy, praying, journaling as well hoping that would help. I just dont get this level of hopelessness this far on. I'm still so in love with someone who clearly wasnt worthy of that.

 

With the many times you've broken up, you always harbored hope and knew in the back of your mind that he would be back and things would resume. After too many endings and the realization now that it will never work, you've accepted finality and the reality of it being over. You're grieving.

 

You need to get up and move. Even if you feel like crap and you just want to lay there and do nothing. Force yourself to function. Just as you've made it a habit to sit around wallow, you have to break that cycle and try to push yourself to move.

 

You seem to have a large circle of friends. Seek their support to help you forward. Plan events with them. Go to the gym (push yourself). Even 10 minutes doing something, anything. There are meetups and classes you can find online. Do something.

 

I know you don't have the energy and you can't find joy in anything but the only way to get past that is to force yourself. I didn't brush my teeth for a week after the ending. Then one morning, I pushed. I literally crawled out of my bed and in a weakened state, brushed. Then I said, "Ok, now shower". One step at a time. You can do it.

Edited March 4, 2016 by Zahara

[BUBS]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to post. To be perfectly honest I have tried to make the effort to gain momentum. I think its more internal than not. What you've all said is true, this time around I do know its over and it is making it much more difficult for me to cope. In the past 3 1/2 months I have road tripped to over 7 cities, I've socialized, pampered myself and tried to acknowledge that there is more to me than this moment that I'm going through. I've skydived, road horses, fed giraffes, confided in the people I could despite them being associated with him. I've prayed with a fierceness I have never in my life and tried to remain open to any opportunity to feel better and worth more. Mentally I feel like a waste. Like I have nothing. When I look at my life with him I should feel as if I'm better off. And I don't. In a concrete perspective things arent downright terrible. I still havent found work but I have a substantial savings and unemployment to hold me over. I have a quaint apartment that looks like a pinterest picture that only reminds me of the life we attempted to build together and failed at, a loving dog, a family that cares unconditionally. I have a select few friends who I can turn to in a pinch, although since the break ups its become less and less as they associate with him. I have everything I need to move forward, but I feel hopeless and like life is meaningless without him.

 

Its odd because this only makes my depression worse. I get angry at myself knowing how grateful I should be. Knowing even in previous break ups with him where I was so much worse off financially and so forth that I should be enthusiastically excited for my future to come and the possibilities. I just don't. I have become so bitter and resentful, so self loathing. I dont know how to not beat myself up. I feel responsible for losing him.

[Zahara]

All of our other break ups while difficult always sparked an insane motivation to better myself. I handled them with grace and poise despite crying in my bed at home and being devastated, my responsibilities took priority. I'd work out, diet, lose weight and gain confidence... I'd go to church, go to work, journal, pray, listen to affirmations, cook, read, meditate anything that was positive and productive. Of course it didnt heal the pain of heartache, but it didnt add more pain in me feeling angry at myself over my behavior or life.

 

You are able to do it but I think it's going to take you walking a few more extra miles this time to get to a point where self-loathing turns into self-compassion and self-love.

 

Like I said, the finality this time is a hammer to you. The dreams and schemes -- gone. It's a hard pill to swallow. It's final. It's all surfacing now. The thing is, you know what you need to do to move forward with your life, but you can't right now because you're grieving and you likely still can't believe it. It's going to take time.

 

Skydiving, feeding giraffes, etc., all great but you need to heal yourself internally -- emotionally and mentally. Your self-esteem has taken a beating because it says much about your emotional health to have tolerated someone this many times bouncing in and out of your life. Someone who has a healthy sense of self would have stepped away at some point. There's this dire need to make him your life. Do you actually love him or are you co-dependent? Look inward because most times we hold on longer than we do because of our own dysfunction, not because of love. Maybe if you dig deep and introspect on your behaviors and who he truly is, you'll see the situation for what it is rather than idealize and romanticize the relationship.

Edited March 4, 2016 by Zahara

[Zahara]

I dont know how to not beat myself up. I feel responsible for losing him.

 

Pull up the list of your threads. Go back and read them. Hopefully that will be an eye-opener for you.

 

The self-blame is going to be there but after countless times of endings, you have to at least accept that no matter what you did, it was never going to work. You both wanted and valued very different things in life and in a relationship.

 

On and off relationships don't work because you can't fix broken. Unfortunately, you couldn't let go and accept that. If you want to beat yourself up about something, beat yourself up about not waking up sooner and use that to propel you forward rather than feeling responsible for someone that was dysfunctional and just didn't want to commit to you -- and the latter is not an indication of your self-worth.

Edited March 4, 2016 by Zahara

[BUBS]

Having a down day. Its been a little over 4 months but the past month has been hell. 3 times Ive gone to bars he was at unintentionally in three different towns to which he has literally RAN out as if I was going to kill him or some crazy stuff.

This month some friends and I jokingly started an instagram account to test a theory about how easy it is to become famous by posting certain types of photos. I recently got into photography so it was good outlet for a short while. The page jumped to over 20,000 followers and I foolishly shared a photo from the account to facebook. I guess facebook sent out a notification to everyone that I was new to ig and to follow me type thing. This was yesterday. I didnt expect anyone to find it and didnt want to come off like some attention hungry desperate girl when I'm 27 years old and was just using the account for fun. Today everything blew up. I logged onto twitter, my ex stopped using his account before we broke up so I hadnt unfollowed him nor seen anything from him in like 6 months. Sure enough this morning he broke his silence with "LOOK AT ME IM IMPORTANT" and proceeded to unfollow me.

 

I really felt so upset when i know I shouldnt have. The whole month I feel like he keeps popping up and this was a breaking point. Things were supposed to be getting more civil and he began behaving as if I had crossed him. i texted him and said "are you okay? I guess you are building quite a bit of hatred toward me when I've left you alone until this point trying to respect your space, i just dont understand where this is coming from? It went from feeling like things were cool between us for the circumstances to feeling like i did something to upset you. Im not trying to be your enemy, I want you to be happy but if you have some stuff you wanna squash you know my number'

 

of course im mad at myself cause him displaying that passive aggressive insecurity got what he wanted, a rise out of me. I've always stuggled the most with being worried how my ex bfs perceive me and this was pouring salt in a wound he knew I had.

Edited April 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
title of post ~6

[mightycpa]

You know, running, as humiliating as it might be, is a ****load better than breaking down in tears should you ever come face to face. I hope that explains his running better than your interpretation.

 

He lashed out and you saw it as some kind of bait. I don't get it. Clearly, he's not ok, and you text back "are you ok?" I don't get that either. You should be angry at yourself for your response. A little laugh of acknowledgement or a rolleyes would have gone a lot further and kept you above the fray.

 

His anger at this stage of the game is good. It means his recovery is proceeding apace. Pretty soon, that anger will be gone, and he won't give a damn one way or the other.

 

Next time, just wait out the storm until the sun starts shining again.