LanceMannion Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Wife was seeing a guy on the side (no sex but lots of flirtation and a few dates with kissing) and even though she says she is committed to making 'us' work she is back texting with the guy. (old laptop still has iMessage logged in) she is having a massive mid-life crisis and all concerned about her looks. $8K spent on cosmetic acupuncture and pilates and yoga... I'm really trying to make my marriage work but she is miserable and wants out but doesn't even know it. is it possible for me to ask her to move out so I can be the only sane and normal parent to my kids?
Author LanceMannion Posted March 31, 2016 Author Posted March 31, 2016 caught my wife having a relationship with another guy (no sex, just a few dates and kissing and TONS of flirting via text messages). I caught her and we were good for a bit as she agreed not to talk to him any longer but he reached out to her again and she quickly agreed to see him again. they have a working relationship (he is a vendor to her firm) so she has to talk to him. this has driven me into a massive depression with massive panic attacks and I'm now on Lexapro and seeing a shrink. we have 2 kids (girl 13 and boy 11). am I crazy for this type of reaction? I'm literally shaking as I type this and read her iMessages on her old laptop. she literally feels no guilt or shame. she totally lacks empathy.
bathtub-row Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Yes, of course you can ask. It's doubtful she'll give you the answer you want, though. The good news is that instead of asking her, ask the entity that matters -- the court. Hire a lawyer that's an advocate of dad's keeping the kids, file for divorce, and whatever you do, do not leave the house and don't let your wife leave the house with the kids in tow. Your lawyer will advise you. 11
TX-SC Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 You can certainly ask. How you phrase it may make a huge difference though. "I realize that you are unhappy in our marriage. I have always wanted you to be happy and I'm sorry that I'm not the one you want. It's obvious that you want to see what's out there for you, and if that's what you need, then I'll let you go. You have to understand that I still love you and our family life. We can go ahead and start the divorce, you can move into an apartment and start your new life as a dating single woman again. Since we need to have continuity for the kids and at least some sense of normalcy, I would like to keep the house and have primary custody of the kids. We can work out an agreement that is fair to both of us, and we can immediately sign a separation agreement while the divorce goes through. If you need help finding an apartment I will even help with that. You can literally move out and start your new life within a week or two." 9
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Wife was seeing a guy on the side (no sex but lots of flirtation and a few dates with kissing) and even though she says she is committed to making 'us' work she is back texting with the guy. (old laptop still has iMessage logged in) she is having a massive mid-life crisis and all concerned about her looks. $8K spent on cosmetic acupuncture and pilates and yoga... I'm really trying to make my marriage work but she is miserable and wants out but doesn't even know it. is it possible for me to ask her to move out so I can be the only sane and normal parent to my kids? You have every right to tell her to move out and go to that guy she's texting with but the kids stay with you in the house. She CAN'T have it both ways, staying married and being up to no good on the side. 4
dichotomy Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I get ya - its a nice dream. Rarely does a woman/wife/mom or the courts want or allow this. 2
flowergirl14 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I would get a lawyers advice. Consultations are free. Go to a couple different ones. Document any strange behavior, poor parenting, substance abuse? Not sure if this will help. Staying sane is always the best! 1
aliveagain Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Talk to a lawyer and listen to him, NJ is a no fault state. By continuing contact with other man she is choosing him over the marriage, one of you needs to go. Expose her to those that have influence over her. If the O/M has a spouse, expose him(supply email proof if necessary), make sure the proof is in a safe place that she can't erase it, it may help you in child custody. You can't legally make her leave but you don't need to be too accommodating to her needs. Don't finance her affair, change your banking immediately because if she leaves you for him she will take everything she can from you to build her new love nest with O/M. Read up on "the 180" and make it your new way of life. The 180 will help you distance yourself from her and help you start the healing process. The 180 is a series of behaviours designed to help you through this tough time. You need to give her a shot of reality, show her that the affair is not a good place to be, the marriage is. She needs to know that you won't share her with other men and you won't compete with other men for her attention. She needs to be all in or leave and seek her happiness elsewhere so you can move on with your life, with or without her. 2
Liam1 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Wife was seeing a guy on the side (no sex but lots of flirtation and a few dates with kissing) and even though she says she is committed to making 'us' work she is back texting with the guy. (old laptop still has iMessage logged in) she is having a massive mid-life crisis and all concerned about her looks. $8K spent on cosmetic acupuncture and pilates and yoga... I'm really trying to make my marriage work but she is miserable and wants out but doesn't even know it. is it possible for me to ask her to move out so I can be the only sane and normal parent to my kids? Gather your evidence and get a free consult from a handful of Attorneys.
oldshirt Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 go ahead and ask, she may want out and see that as a golden opportunity to relieve herself of her responsibilities and go out and be a carefree single woman again. It's worth asking. But either way this is still a complex legal issue that will need lawyers and judges and mediators and counselors and courts etc etc so whether she says yes or no, you will still need to consult an attorney ASAP. Now generally speaking, you can not severe someone's parental rights unless they are determined an unfit parent or there is some kind of abuse, critical neglect, chemical addiction, criminal activity etc etc. And you can't just kick someone out of their home if their name is also on the lease/deed etc. This will all take lawyers and judges and courts and mediators/arbitrators etc to work out. Simple two step process here - - step one = get a lawyer. - step two = do what lawyer says. 3
oldshirt Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Oh and PS, unless you had them under surveillance 24/7 and they were never out of a professional PI's sight - they had sex. 2
jasmineb Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 You have every right to tell her to move out and go to that guy she's texting with but the kids stay with you in the house. She CAN'T have it both ways, staying married and being up to no good on the side. You have every right to wish that she does this. However, a court will not kick her out of your home or deem her unfit due to an affair, though having an affair is very bad. I would not advise bodily removing her from the home unless you live in a very backward place with corrupt police. You may tell her to and hope that she complies but you cannot force her to leave and she is free to say no. 4
amaysngrace Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Not all divorce attorneys in NJ give a free initial consultation so whoever keeps saying to go meet with them for free is only speaking for some lawyers here, not all of them. Mine was pretty good but he charged me for my first visit and took a retainer that day too. Let me know if you need a name. I know of a few with excellent reputations. I doubt that any of them would meet you for free though. 1
bathtub-row Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 I get ya - its a nice dream. Rarely does a woman/wife/mom or the courts want or allow this. It happens more often then you might think.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 is it possible for me to ask her to move out so I can be the only sane and normal parent to my kids? You'll get a lot of free advice here freely dispensed and worth exactly what you've paid for it. Were you diagnosed with a brain tumor, would you be asking for surgical opinions also ??? As others have wisely said, don't be a fool. Get a lawyer you trust, pay him what he asks and follow his advice... Mr. Lucky 1
heartwhole Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 It sounds like the affair never stopped. Have you consulted a lawyer? Your reaction is completely normal. You have undergone a trauma, and the person who inflicted it on you is still engaging in those behaviors. Keep up with the counseling. If she wants to remain married to you, then I'd recommend she immediately read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair and enter counseling for herself. She can work on the perspective and empathy but not while she's unrepentant and still engaged in the affair. Or you can move to separate. There's no shame in that. She has broken your vows and made a bad-faith effort to "work on" the marriage. If she were really working on it, she wouldn't still be messaging the guy. Again, see a lawyer. Find out what you need to do. You live in an expensive area and it may be tricky, but it's doable. 1
MadJackBird Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 What everyone else said. What you are feeling is normal. Seek IC in addition to lawyer, or a support group. Don't move out of the house. She doesn't want to be married anymore let her move out. Good Luck. The feelings get better with time. 1
Grapesofwrath Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 Your reaction is natural and to be expected. Give yourself the freedom to feel whatever you feel. Feelings are always legitimate. It's how we act on them that matters. Your legal rights vary widely depending on where you live. Within the U.S., it varies state to state. I agree with the advice to consult an attorney. If it's free, you can consult with a few, though again this depends. Many attorneys will charge for their initial consult. Be mindful that once an attorney has consulted with you, s/he is prohibited from meeting with/consulting with your wife as this represents a conflict of interest. So your offense also provides some defense, if you know what I mean. I live in a no-fault state. Here, her affair will have no bearing on anything. The courts will go for 50/50 custody unless you can demonstrate that she is an unfit parent and that contact with her is detrimental to your kids. That is a high bar, met by things like physical abuse, substance abuse, neglect, etc. It's an ugly battle to win, by the way, and will put everyone through a lot of trauma, so think carefully on whether you want to go down that road. 1
Marc878 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 (edited) You are in deep denial of who she is and what's going on here. As many point out this is a full on sexual affair. If you are looking to try and reconcile gather your evidence texts, etc. Do full exposure to friends, family, work etc. if you are in fear of losing her or pushing her further away don't be she's already gone. You have nothing to lose. Exposure will normally end the affair. No reconciliation or work on the marriage will happen unless the affair is over and the spouse has remourse. If these don't happen you're wasting your time. If you just want a divorce file immediately to terms favorable to you and get a quick divorce do you can move on with your life. Make no mistake this marriage is overand can/will never be the same. No matter which way you choose. Being afraid week and timid at this time will be yo your detriment. Good luck Edited April 2, 2016 by Marc878
Oberfeldwebel Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I know you want the marriage to work, but it can’t under the current situation. Therefore I recommend the following. 1. Consult with an attorney, you don’t have to file, but you need to know your rights. 2. Open a separate bank account, don’t move funds, but be prepared if necessary. 3. Develop a visitation plan if you separate, this will put you ahead of the game. 4. Develop a plan for division of assets, again this puts you ahead of the game. 5. Disclose her actions to close friends and families. Affairs are like fungus, they grow best in the dark. 6. Set a time aside to have a serious discussion with her, without children or others around. I recommend the kitchen table as it provides a natural barrier and gives a sense of business. I also suggest having a written agenda in bullet form and stick to the plan. 7. If she wants to reconcile then she will be required to do the following. a. Write no contact letter to other man. b. Block his phone number. c. Open all devices and media from password protection, there can be no secrets. d. Agree to marriage counseling. 1
Marc878 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I know you want the marriage to work, but it can’t under the current situation. Therefore I recommend the following. 1. Consult with an attorney, you don’t have to file, but you need to know your rights. 2. Open a separate bank account, don’t move funds, but be prepared if necessary. 3. Develop a visitation plan if you separate, this will put you ahead of the game. 4. Develop a plan for division of assets, again this puts you ahead of the game. 5. Disclose her actions to close friends and families. Affairs are like fungus, they grow best in the dark. 6. Set a time aside to have a serious discussion with her, without children or others around. I recommend the kitchen table as it provides a natural barrier and gives a sense of business. I also suggest having a written agenda in bullet form and stick to the plan. 7. If she wants to reconcile then she will be required to do the following. a. Write no contact letter to other man. b. Block his phone number. c. Open all devices and media from password protection, there can be no secrets. d. Agree to marriage counseling. Totally agree. Affairs only thrive in secrecy and darkness. Put it out there for everyone to see and all the lying, hiding and deceit show up quickly for what they are. You'd better get strong and bold. Remember they are destroying your family, life and future here. Do you really want yo sit back and be afraid and timid at this time???? 1
Friskyone4u Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 You can ask her to do anything you want. And she can tell you to shove it and there is nothing you can do EXCPET file for divorce. Right now, the denial of what she has done is your worst enemy, and now she is doing it right in front of you and refuses to stop, which is more disrespectful. Your only chance to get out of this infidelity is to stop doing vthe "pick me dance", and tell her by handing her divorce papers (which you can stop) that you have no intention of sharing her with another man. And I also suggest you find out ther truth before you even consider giving her any options. 3
bubbaganoosh Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 As soon as you found out about her fooling around with another guy is when you should have told her to get out. Believe me if the shoe was on the other foot, you would be sleeping in your car or a motel somewhere. Now that you found out and time has passed, she feels that she blew this one past you and all is well. Your fault.
Deidre Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 I echo the others, get a good attorney and begin the divorce process. She sounds like she is only interested in 'making it work' if her plan B doesn't pan out. Sorry you're in this situation. 1
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