Musings from my mid-life crisis - no. 1 - The "simple" life.

March 31, 2016

Hi all!

I was observing my parents-in-law last night when I went round for dinner. Together for over 50 years, they never really experienced much of the wider world outside their home area. Their relationship has never been about swinging from the chandeliers seeking pleasure, thrills and excitement in everything they do. They worked hard, lived a simple life and are very happy. I very much doubt that ideas such as their life being mundane, or that their sex life could be better, or that perhaps their "soul mate" is out there somewhere have ever entered their minds. They are friends, partners, companions and in their own way, very much in love - not that they ever need cards, flowers, gifts, holidays, grand gestures etc to express that.

I know this may come across as patronising and that I may be painting them as simple and old-fashioned or that they just "don't know any better". It's the last thing that I actually believe - I admire them and others of their generation greatly (many of our generation have these values too of course). I also envy them a little bit - I had a much easier start in life than them and lots more opportunities. I was financially comfortable, didn't have to work my fingers to the bone, travelled, studied, etc. And yet, here I am with a long bout of depression behind me several years ago and now struggling in the aftermath of an affair that I had behind THEIR daughter's back - their lovely, wonderful daughter who didn't deserve any of it. Despite (and/or because of) their humble beginnings, they seem to have mastered the secret of happiness that has been so elusive to me in my adult life.

In a world with so much choice and opportunity, it can sometimes be a blessing when those choices and opportunities are are actually limited and that concepts such as infidelity and divorce, that have become such a scourge in our society, are not an easy option. They got married young in the days when marriage vows were taken very seriously indeed. The word divorce barely exists for them - to them it is reserved for very extreme cases, such as domestic abuse - it is not just an option to considered when we have a mid life crisis, we feel unfulfilled or our eyes start to wander a little. I've been guilty of feeling that I "deserve" constant excitement and happiness, stimulation and fulfilment, that I should spend my whole married life in the throes of being in love and ecstasy. I don't say that it's wrong to be ambitious or that you should not strive to have a great life - you absolutely should! But like many of my generation, I realise that my expectations and feelings of entitlement have been unrealistic and set me up for a fall. At over 40 years old, with much damage and hurt (to me and others) behind me, I think I am finally beginning to wake up and smell the coffee! I need to grasp onto the phrase "life begins at 40" and stop wallowing in self pity!

Thanks for being here guys - it means a lot to me to be able to post here, support you and get your support in return. I am one walking mid-life crisis at the moment! But the future could be wonderful if I get things right now. I have so much to be grateful for.

Keep posting. J

Edited March 31, 2016 by jenkins95

March 31, 2016

Great post jenkins. I often think about this as well. I was reading an article about marriage and how it has changed. Back in the day, marriage was more about financial opportunity, parenting and building community. It wasn't about romantic love, getting all your needs fulfilled by this one person, soul mates, etc. One of the reason I stay in my unhappy marriage is because I feel it's selfish of me to ask all that from a single person. I guess if I lived in a joint family with lots of family support, I probably wouldn't be so depressed over lack of companionship. But I have traveled the world, experienced opportunities most wouldn't, and so much more. Was it worth it to have that excitement and opportunity at the cost of community and family?

March 31, 2016

Jenkins:

I think you hit the nail on the head. I think our present society is one that promotes the concept through Hollywood and TV that we should have constant excitement in our lives.

If not, we are led to believe through unconscious manipulations by Hollywood and TV that we are unhappy.

Affairs are romanticized in the movies and finding a soulmate, rather than creating a soulmate, is also romanticized.

Affairs are claimed to ruin marriages, yet we have places like Ashley Madison that openly advertise with a wink wink and a nod from everyone.

I have men friends who have mentioned to me that if they don't have an affair, they are going to feel like they are missing out.

Also relationships are deemed disposable. Few people want to actually work on a marriage or work through mistakes in a marriage.

With that said, you are only seeing the surface of your in-law's marriage. You may be surprised at what actually went on through the years.

Maybe they, too, also worked through an affair and came out on the other side closer than ever.

Since my affair, I have to my surprise met people in their 90s married 50 years who survived an affair, though my BAN network meeting group.

They seem happy and content. The relationship had its ups and downs but they survived.

Hi all!

I was observing my parents-in-law last night when I went round for dinner. Together for over 50 years, they never really experienced much of the wider world outside their home area. Their relationship has never been about swinging from the chandeliers seeking pleasure, thrills and excitement in everything they do. They worked hard, lived a simple life and are very happy. I very much doubt that ideas such as their life being mundane, or that their sex life could be better, or that perhaps their "soul mate" is out there somewhere have ever entered their minds. They are friends, partners, companions and in their own way, very much in love - not that they ever need cards, flowers, gifts, holidays, grand gestures etc to express that.

I know this may come across as patronising and that I may be painting them as simple and old-fashioned or that they just "don't know any better". It's the last thing that I actually believe - I admire them and others of their generation greatly (many of our generation have these values too of course). I also envy them a little bit - I had a much easier start in life than them and lots more opportunities. I was financially comfortable, didn't have to work my fingers to the bone, travelled, studied, etc. And yet, here I am with a long bout of depression behind me several years ago and now struggling in the aftermath of an affair that I had behind THEIR daughter's back - their lovely, wonderful daughter who didn't deserve any of it. Despite (and/or because of) their humble beginnings, they seem to have mastered the secret of happiness that has been so elusive to me in my adult life.

In a world with so much choice and opportunity, it can sometimes be a blessing when those choices and opportunities are are actually limited and that concepts such as infidelity and divorce, that have become such a scourge in our society, are not an easy option. They got married young in the days when marriage vows were taken very seriously indeed. The word divorce barely exists for them - to them it is reserved for very extreme cases, such as domestic abuse - it is not just an option to considered when we have a mid life crisis, we feel unfulfilled or our eyes start to wander a little. I've been guilty of feeling that I "deserve" constant excitement and happiness, stimulation and fulfilment, that I should spend my whole married life in the throes of being in love and ecstasy. I don't say that it's wrong to be ambitious or that you should not strive to have a great life - you absolutely should! But like many of my generation, I realise that my expectations and feelings of entitlement have been unrealistic and set me up for a fall. At over 40 years old, with much damage and hurt (to me and others) behind me, I think I am finally beginning to wake up and smell the coffee! I need to grasp onto the phrase "life begins at 40" and stop wallowing in self pity!

Thanks for being here guys - it means a lot to me to be able to post here, support you and get your support in return. I am one walking mid-life crisis at the moment! But the future could be wonderful if I get things right now. I have so much to be grateful for.

Keep posting. J

Edited March 31, 2016 by Liam1

March 31, 2016

I do agree with you in the sense that people back in the day took vows more seriously and that we live in a self-absorbed society now a days. They also had wiser parents who got involved in them picking a mate and guys were held to a higher standard when it comes to courting, dating, and marrying women (guys were gentlemen, worked hard, etc). Women also were taught by their mothers that "nurturing" (cooking, cleaning, sexing their man, feminine wiles) is a good thing - now a days women look down on any form of nurturing....In other words, you would WANT to be married back in the day cuz both men and women had more qualities that made a marriage worth it for the long run.

But at the flip of the coin, couples back then didn't have "options". Fresh out of high school, guys get a job to sustain a family and women got married. Now a days you can travel, get an education, broaden your horizons before settling down and being stuck with kids and a family.

Now, this concept of "boring is good", just makes me roll my eyes. Maybe it's Caucasian families that have this concept because I'm Black/Hispanic and we have passion in our lives. I mean, I'm not old enough to come from Mad Men times, but heck, that show had a lot of "passion" going on there. Shoot, president Kennedy and Marylin Monroe?

I think now a days we live in a feminized society where men are supposed to be "sperm donors, wallets, and babysitters" in so-called "marriages". So, now women can diss having sex with their husbands, let go of their weight/looks, and go get job and diss the family because if a husband wants otherwise, he's a chauvinistic pig. So, now men, to just rationalize the poor state of affairs they have when it comes to the shift of power in marriages have resigned to say "boring is good".

No, life isn't "excitement" every day. But, life isn't "boring" every day either.

If I was a man, I wouldn't marry and/or have kids now a days.

Yeah, I look at those older couples, I bet they can't remember the last time they ever had sex - even good sex, and hey, if they have resigned to having a "roommate" and a "friend" is good for them, then more power to them. Geesh, if you look at a lot of them, they are un-dateable/un-sexable so yea, they can't probably even stand having sex with each other.

Also, people aren't gonna want what they don't know (ignorance is bliss). If they grew up boring as paint drying on the wall, they aren't gonna want anymore. Yes, we live now in a very sexualized society, and as a result, some people expect more in the bedroom than just missionary for 5 min.

Edited March 31, 2016 by Gloria25

March 31, 2016

Hi all!

I was observing my parents-in-law last night when I went round for dinner. Together for over 50 years, they never really experienced much of the wider world outside their home area. Their relationship has never been about swinging from the chandeliers seeking pleasure, thrills and excitement in everything they do. They worked hard, lived a simple life and are very happy. I very much doubt that ideas such as their life being mundane, or that their sex life could be better, or that perhaps their "soul mate" is out there somewhere have ever entered their minds. They are friends, partners, companions and in their own way, very much in love - not that they ever need cards, flowers, gifts, holidays, grand gestures etc to express that.

I know this may come across as patronising and that I may be painting them as simple and old-fashioned or that they just "don't know any better". It's the last thing that I actually believe - I admire them and others of their generation greatly (many of our generation have these values too of course). I also envy them a little bit - I had a much easier start in life than them and lots more opportunities. I was financially comfortable, didn't have to work my fingers to the bone, travelled, studied, etc. And yet, here I am with a long bout of depression behind me several years ago and now struggling in the aftermath of an affair that I had behind THEIR daughter's back - their lovely, wonderful daughter who didn't deserve any of it. Despite (and/or because of) their humble beginnings, they seem to have mastered the secret of happiness that has been so elusive to me in my adult life.

In a world with so much choice and opportunity, it can sometimes be a blessing when those choices and opportunities are are actually limited and that concepts such as infidelity and divorce, that have become such a scourge in our society, are not an easy option. They got married young in the days when marriage vows were taken very seriously indeed. The word divorce barely exists for them - to them it is reserved for very extreme cases, such as domestic abuse - it is not just an option to considered when we have a mid life crisis, we feel unfulfilled or our eyes start to wander a little. I've been guilty of feeling that I "deserve" constant excitement and happiness, stimulation and fulfilment, that I should spend my whole married life in the throes of being in love and ecstasy. I don't say that it's wrong to be ambitious or that you should not strive to have a great life - you absolutely should! But like many of my generation, I realise that my expectations and feelings of entitlement have been unrealistic and set me up for a fall. At over 40 years old, with much damage and hurt (to me and others) behind me, I think I am finally beginning to wake up and smell the coffee! I need to grasp onto the phrase "life begins at 40" and stop wallowing in self pity!

Thanks for being here guys - it means a lot to me to be able to post here, support you and get your support in return. I am one walking mid-life crisis at the moment! But the future could be wonderful if I get things right now. I have so much to be grateful for.

Keep posting. J

Not so long ago, survival was still the norm.

Having a steady job and providing for your family made you a good man.

There was also not much time for entertainment.

Basically what changed is that the whole western society has shifted the reproductive contest between males from "survival" to "entertainment".

Entertain women with your "success" and "originality", and you'll get laid a lot. Don't, and you won't.

There is no room for simple things any longer.

March 31, 2016

I don't know about anyone else, but there is lots of room for the simple things in life, so long as you allow it.

My mom and dad were married just short of 50 years before she passed away from cancer. They'd had a good life together, with the usual ups and downs one might expect. they had ben comfortable enough to be able to afford to travel together, had a nice home, beautiful gardens, money in the bank.

When she found out the chemo didn't work and she didn't have much time left, their focus shifted. Each moment they got to spend together was so important. She wanted to stay at home for as long as she could, and right up until a few days before she died, she was still helping as much as she could with the day to day things around the house and garden.

They both told me they suddenly realized just how precious each minute they got to spend together was, and how knowing that each time they went through the minutiae of the day together could be the last time they would ever get a chance to do so. One day, it was.

About a year after she passed away I went to visit him, and he and I made a meal together. He suddenly stopped and started crying, and told me that he would give anything to be able to do that one more time with her.

It's often said, and it may be trite, that the little things mean the most, but they do. Hopefully one day, you'll be able to stand by your wife's side and watch your child graduate and launch into the world of being an adult. You'll maybe get to watch them get married themselves, raise a family of their own and when you look back on your own life, what do you think will man the most to you?

March 31, 2016

Wow, Gloria, it sounds like you have a lot of hatred towards women. Based on what you have written here and another thread, I hear lots of woman bashing and blaming for everything wrong.

And back in the days, not everybody WANTED to get married. Some people HAD to get married because that was the only option. Also, back in the day, a man was allowed to rape his wife. And there were plenty of men AND women back then who had spouses that didn't give them sex.

Mad Man is a TV show, now historical reality. There has always been a lot of passion and sex. We may experience it differently.

We are actually in an age women are having more casual sex than ever. What makes you think they are dissing their husband's more compared to the olden days. And just because a woman works, that doesn't make her diss her man. I find that offensive. Especially to the women who work long hard hours just so they can provide for their families.

I do agree with you in the sense that people back in the day took vows more seriously and that we live in a self-absorbed society now a days. They also had wiser parents who got involved in them picking a mate and guys were held to a higher standard when it comes to courting, dating, and marrying women (guys were gentlemen, worked hard, etc). Women also were taught by their mothers that "nurturing" (cooking, cleaning, sexing their man, feminine wiles) is a good thing - now a days women look down on any form of nurturing....In other words, you would WANT to be married back in the day cuz both men and women had more qualities that made a marriage worth it for the long run.

But at the flip of the coin, couples back then didn't have "options". Fresh out of high school, guys get a job to sustain a family and women got married. Now a days you can travel, get an education, broaden your horizons before settling down and being stuck with kids and a family.

Now, this concept of "boring is good", just makes me roll my eyes. Maybe it's Caucasian families that have this concept because I'm Black/Hispanic and we have passion in our lives. I mean, I'm not old enough to come from Mad Men times, but heck, that show had a lot of "passion" going on there. Shoot, president Kennedy and Marylin Monroe?

I think now a days we live in a feminized society where men are supposed to be "sperm donors, wallets, and babysitters" in so-called "marriages". So, now women can diss having sex with their husbands, let go of their weight/looks, and go get job and diss the family because if a husband wants otherwise, he's a chauvinistic pig. So, now men, to just rationalize the poor state of affairs they have when it comes to the shift of power in marriages have resigned to say "boring is good".

No, life isn't "excitement" every day. But, life isn't "boring" every day either.

If I was a man, I wouldn't marry and/or have kids now a days.

Yeah, I look at those older couples, I bet they can't remember the last time they ever had sex - even good sex, and hey, if they have resigned to having a "roommate" and a "friend" is good for them, then more power to them. Geesh, if you look at a lot of them, they are un-dateable/un-sexable so yea, they can't probably even stand having sex with each other.

Also, people aren't gonna want what they don't know (ignorance is bliss). If they grew up boring as paint drying on the wall, they aren't gonna want anymore. Yes, we live now in a very sexualized society, and as a result, some people expect more in the bedroom than just missionary for 5 min.

March 31, 2016

Gratitude is one of the great secrets of happiness.

I wouldn't underestimate the passion and temptation that older generations dealt with. Human is human. That said, some struggle is good for the character, and that marriages, too, can build character through challenge. Easy life can lead to boredom and entitlement. Idle hands are the devil's workshop. That's an old saying because nothing is new under the sun.

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Musings from my mid-life crisis - no. 1 - The "simple" life.

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