Dating someone whose family is very conservative politically

[Little Bird]

I am very liberal and my boyfriend also shares the same beliefs as me in this way (on most political issues we agree and we are both not religious), but his entire family down to the step-brothers, step-sisters, grandparents, parents are very, very, very conservative.

 

My boyfriend is from a very small town and everyone in his family are religious and socially and politically conservative, I would say a few are right-wing fundamentalists. One member of his family agreed with some things Donald Trump has said, another believes abortion should be criminalized, that evolution isn't necessarily real, and other things I completely disagree with.

 

What I'm wondering is how much should I let it bother me? They are all super nice and this hasn't been a huge issue, but whenever there's a family event or get-together and politics usually comes up as a topic of conversation, I am totally silent and don't participate because I disagree with everything they say and don't want to get into an argument. Better to say nothing at all.

 

But then I don't want to hide the fact that I hold different beliefs than them. I should be able to voice my opinions as well right?

 

I also don't want to criticize my boyfriend's family. He totally doesn't agree with most of their ideas or positions, but as we all know, it's okay for him to criticize his family but it's a whole other thing when someone else does.

 

The worst was hearing his sibling condoning Donald Trump's offensive opinions, and even defending him! I tried to explain how wrong some of the things Trump have said are, but I was "out-argued". It's that situation when someone holds a totally flawed and outrageous opinion but they are just really good at arguing it.

 

My boyfriend like me, also doesn't say much because his family have really strong opinions and it would get awkward voicing his own opinions when literally we are outnumbered! It's just really awkward sitting in a room when everyone except us agree with each other.

 

Should I let this bother me or move on? I've also had to unfollow a few of his family members on Facebook because seeing their political posts annoyed me so much! Some of the posts were outright offensive and ignorant.

[losangelena]

Oh god, what you're describing sounds like hell to me.

 

I wouldn't necessarily break up because of it, though.

 

My family too is pretty conservative (though not obnoxiously so), but we tend to get into arguments and have decided long ago that it's easier to simply not have political discussions. Some of my ex's friends have (what I find to be) whackadoo political beliefs, but arguing with them was neither fruitful nor fun, so after a while I just took to smiling and nodding and letting them spout their opinions unopposed. Irritating, yes, but ultimately, what's the alternative?

[smudge21]

Hmm, tough one. Personally I'd just grin and bare it, after all, you're not dating them, you're dating him. If you boyfriend knows it upsets you, then maybe he can have words with them on your behalf so they limit they're backwards foolish ways (oops, let slip there) when you're around. Or at the very least, admit they like Jurassic Park even if they don't believe it exists.

 

 

The fact remains though, that if you're the only one in a room surrounded by idiots then you yourself will be the only one sounding like an idiot, if you get me. Basically, you can't win, unless you bring along some like minded friends, even the odds. That's the trouble with relationships, eventually we have to meet the parents!!!

[Gaeta]

You and your boyfriend show up there, smile, and don't get involved in political and religious conversations. Let dinner go by, thank them for inviting you with a smile and go home.

 

You cannot change in-laws or argue with them. They are who they are. They're not the only ignorant red necks around and there is nothing you can do about it. The important is that you and your boyfriend have a harmonious relationship.

 

You should not let it bother you and you should not get involved and try to convince them they're wrong. You will never win and it's not worth creating a rift with his family.

[Jejangles]

I think what matters most is you and your boyfriend agree. I would just keep the same approach you have been taking to extended family gatherings. If someone asks your views, you can share, but otherwise stay away from contentious topics. You're not going to change their minds and it just creates issues.

 

I plan to follow my own advice for myself too. My boyfriend shares all my views on politics, religion, social issues. But he comes from another country and his family is quite religiously observant. He just stays quiet on his personal views around them and I plan to do the same.

[GorillaTheater]

Just like anything else, people vary in their patience for and tolerance of opposing views. I think that's fine; we're all entitled to set the criteria for friendships and other relationships.

 

 

But my own personal view is that you let this stuff go for the most part, perhaps avoiding discussions of matters you conflict on if it's just going to lead to hard feelings on somebody's part.

 

 

My friends range from die-hard ultra-conservatives to wild-eyed Bolsheviks. I count them as friends nonetheless, because of qualities I like apart from their political persuasions. My FIL is a big Trump supporter, and although I think Trump is an asshat, I genuinely like my FIL who is a great guy in nearly aspect. I let his views on Trump go because 1) I value the relationship and 2) I'm unlikely to change his mind. He's entitled to his views, same as me.

 

 

For that matter, I lean a bit left and my wife leans right. It doesn't impact our relationship at all. As long as there's mutually respect between the people involved, or at least an understanding that some discussion topics are best avoided, I personally don't see a reason why political views should necessarily color the relationship.

[Little Bird]

I love my boyfriend very much, so breaking up has never crossed my mind, and his family are very nice, it would be different if they were personally disrespectful to me. I just wasn't sure how to handle these situations, but you're right, all I can do is accept it

[smudge21]

There's a Robert Downey meme somewhere and it simply says:

 

 

Smile

Listen

Agree

 

And then do whatever the f**k you wanted to do anyway!

[central]

May as well just smile and nod when visiting. You can't change their minds, and only create mutual dislike when they are otherwise nice to you.

 

 

In your own home, you can say what you think, or simply change the topic so contentious stuff doesn't ruin a visit. Unless you want to argue - and are prepared to do so, which few are or want to be.

 

 

If you eventually get married, you may move away, which could reduce the problem on a day to day basis. No doubt there will continue to be holiday and special occasion visits - unless you move far, far away!

[kendahke]

Prepare yourself for the day when one of them challenges you especially when it seems evident that you and your boyfriend are moving towards a deeper union.

 

They may think that because of his views your views are alike and they're not pressing you right now, but one day, someone will and you need to figure out how you're going to handle that situation when, not if, it arises.

[carhill]

I am very liberal and my boyfriend also shares the same beliefs as me in this way (on most political issues we agree and we are both not religious), but his entire family down to the step-brothers, step-sisters, grandparents, parents are very, very, very conservative.

Not uncommon and nothing new. Each generation and person is unique.

 

My boyfriend is from a very small town and everyone in his family are religious and socially and politically conservative, I would say a few are right-wing fundamentalists. One member of his family agreed with some things Donald Trump has said, another believes abortion should be criminalized, that evolution isn't necessarily real, and other things I completely disagree with.

 

They are welcomed to their beliefs and opinions, as are you. You, your BF, and they, are equals. No one is better or worse and no one has lord over anyone else.

 

What I'm wondering is how much should I let it bother me?

You can let differing beliefs and opinions on topics bother you as much or as little as you choose.

They are all super nice and this hasn't been a huge issue, but whenever there's a family event or get-together and politics usually comes up as a topic of conversation, I am totally silent and don't participate because I disagree with everything they say and don't want to get into an argument. Better to say nothing at all.

That's one choice, certainly a valid one. If making it, do so freely and without bother.

 

But then I don't want to hide the fact that I hold different beliefs than them. I should be able to voice my opinions as well right?

Yep, that's a choice too, and apparently your BF joins you in your different belief system. You both are entitled to your viewpoints and expressing them.

 

I also don't want to criticize my boyfriend's family. He totally doesn't agree with most of their ideas or positions, but as we all know, it's okay for him to criticize his family but it's a whole other thing when someone else does.

You can express your beliefs without criticizing his family. It's done by focusing on the topic and making 'I' statements rather than 'you' statements.

 

The worst was hearing his sibling condoning Donald Trump's offensive opinions, and even defending him! I tried to explain how wrong some of the things Trump have said are, but I was "out-argued". It's that situation when someone holds a totally flawed and outrageous opinion but they are just really good at arguing it.

Try focusing on your beliefs and not who's 'right' and who's 'wrong'. If you find Trump's opinions offensive, state that. "I believe Trump's statements about xxx to be offensive' and state your reasoning for those beliefs.

 

My boyfriend like me, also doesn't say much because his family have really strong opinions and it would get awkward voicing his own opinions when literally we are outnumbered! It's just really awkward sitting in a room when everyone except us agree with each other.

 

That's how groups lord social power over others in social situations. If you find they like to control venue and content, and that makes you uncomfortable, share that with your BF.

 

Should I let this bother me or move on? I've also had to unfollow a few of his family members on Facebook because seeing their political posts annoyed me so much! Some of the posts were outright offensive and ignorant.

 

If this is a dating situation without any life partnership on the horizon, I'd just go with the flow and decline to participate in any activities which feel uncomfortable or offensive personally. If you're looking for a husband and father of your children, more serious, not the differences in philosophy and belief but rather how social dynamics are handled. If you find your opinions and beliefs are not respected or are dismissed/attacked at the personal level, that would be IMO grounds for termination. Why? Because those people would likely have contact with you and your children for their or your natural lives. OTOH, it's incumbent upon you to respect their POV if you want respect for yours.

 

Have you invited his parents to your home for dinner? If so, how did that go? If not, I suggest it and see how a venue change goes.

[Little Bird]

These are all great responses. I think for the most part, right now it isn't a huge problem, but it does make it hard for me to get close to his family. They are all really close, all the spouses and everyone, because they all grew up in a small town and share the same beliefs. I guess it makes me feel like I'll always be an outsider.

 

I'm also quite shy and it takes a while for me to open up to people. I mean, it would definitely makes things easier for me if they happened to be not so conservative, because I find I'm sometimes walking on eggshells in conversations, avoiding to bring up anything that we would disagree on, or to lead them to ask me questions about my political or religious beliefs.

 

One thing that makes me feel weird is that when we first started dating his family asked my boyfriend what my religion was. Maybe they were just curious, but since religion is totally absent from my life, it's something I wouldn't ask people. My boyfriend has also told me that his family think he's just "confused" when he has said that he is atheist. They are in denial about it and get upset. He has even admitted me not being Christian doesn't bother them, but that if I was, it would make his parents very happy.

 

So all of that does make me feel uncomfortable at times.

[Els]

You can't choose your family. My family is also ultra-conservative, ultra-religious etc. I don't agree with them, but I'm not about to cut them out of my life just because we have different views on things.

 

As long as your bf is doing his best to not let them have any say in your relationship, I think you could probably just grin and bear it. You don't have to be close to them if you don't want to, you just have to tolerate them.

[S_A]

I would not get in to political debates with family because people are usually emotionally bound to their political opinions. Your BF's family clearly is, and by the sounds of it, you are emotionally bound too. These emotional debates don't go well. They can't go well.

[Emilia]

I'm guessing it might kick off when you have kids. They might start interfering, especially if they think your bf is 'confused'. In theory it could become necessary to see them less.

[Jersey born raised]

First, I have found conservatives to be more tolerant then progressives. As to Donald Trump not only is he an ass hat, he is a socialist, just as the national socialist party (better known as Nazi) and the fascist where. So next time ask them are they really going to vote for a socialist. (hee hee)

 

As to evolution: why and how did part of a lizard brain wind up in her brain? Honest it would seem like the result of an alien experiment is as valid as anything else. Frankly who cares?

 

Look I worked closely with people who where very progressive and where shocked to learn I considered myself more conservative then anything else. Why, I judge my friends from the "back yard perspective". Who stands up to their own and says no. Who stops to help and then leaves without ever saying boo. Who can't get past people are more important then things, but knows a free loader or a narcissist when they see on and cuts them out of their life? (hey Donald looking at you big guy.)

 

A person asked me does someone faith matter to you or the issues. Simple answer what does that faith mean to them and do they live up to it. Do you really care if a person believes murder is wrong because a non existent god says so?

Edited April 1, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[Tribble]

I guess it depends on you personally and what you can tolerate. I have very different views to my family. Not so much politically, but definitely religiously. And I guess my Dad could be described as a bit ignorant, which I don't like. But I love them and we get on really well. We try not to discuss things that lead to arguments and frustrations. And if conversation steers that way, I try to be diplomatic and restrained.

 

I disagree a little with comments about how they might interfere if and when you get married and have kids. Don't get me wrong, they might, but I think it's a far cry from a sure thing. It all depends on how far they impose their views on others. At the moment, you say they all discuss it and like to agree. You have got out-argued a couple of times. But do they just like to talk among like-minded people or do they want to 'convert' you as it were.

 

 

The world is made up of different people who think and believe different things. That's what makes life interesting! There is enough room to accommodate different people. The problems come when groups of people think everyone else should think like them. Do you get this impression from your potential in-laws?

[Els]

I disagree a little with comments about how they might interfere if and when you get married and have kids. Don't get me wrong, they might, but I think it's a far cry from a sure thing.

 

I think it's highly likely they will try. However, you don't have to let them (and that is why, IMO, what really matters is that the partner is able to stand up to them, with you).

[Lady2163]

I do think it is important to find a very tactful way of letting them know if they say something that is offensive to you. I realize you are a guest in their house, but they should also respect the fact that a guest finds their beliefs to be - again offensive. I know that word is over used in the name of political correctness, but it is still a valid word.

 

You are not going to change them and they are probably not going to change you. I've lost long-time friends over politics. When it comes to my Facebook friends, I stick to facts - and I let them know that other than the fact I don't like their candidate, what they are posting just isn't true. There's an awful lot of bogus stories out there on both sides. I don't want my friends and family to look like idiots when they babble something to their boss thinking it is 100% true.

 

I don't want to send ignorant people out in the world.

 

If you're shy, then it should rest on your boyfriends shoulders to say to his family, "Hey, listen can we tone down the political rhetoric? I really like this girl and she just doesn't agree with everything that you believe in. I don't want to scare her off...."

 

One thing you should know, I was raised by diehard liberals. I don't think a Democrat ever did anything wrong for the first 30 years of my life (sarcasm). I am surrounded by liberals. Yet, it was two loud mouth liberals that caused me to leave the party. They just couldn't accept that there were discrepancies with a certain liberal candidate and we're just so staunchly rude and boorish when I said there was something hinky. I left the party because I realized in that moment, the only thing worse than a diehard conservative....was a diehard liberal. I can't stand the sanctimony of either side.

 

So, I'm an Independent. 20 years ago, I'd never have thought it possible. But, as you get older you do tend to get more conservative in a lot of your views. People who are against spanking children change their tune when they have children. People who think minimum wage should be $15 an hour change their tunes when as a manager, they have people call out sick on pay days. I used to think it was criminal because I had sick days and my hourly employees didn't. Then I realized what a total nightmare it would be if 40 people had the option of calling out and getting paid for it 5, 10 or more days a year.

 

One option may be to wait until after this election is over. This is the time when people emotions run the highest ( oh - and during a scandal). But, if you see his family on a regular basis that may be too long for them to unknowingly disrespect you.

 

They need to be given a chance and choice to change the conversation. But, again, don't expect their beliefs to change.

[GravityMan]

OP, you should tread carefully here. Politics is a very volatile subject for a lot of people. That is one of the reasons why many people (myself included) are cautious about who they discuss politics with. You should refrain from discussing politics with your BF's family whenever possible. If they breach the subject, then try to keep your involvement lighthearted and minimal.

 

Now if they say something truly offensive to you, then tactfully stand up for yourself. If they try to impose their beliefs on you, then tactfully disallow that. It's one thing to have opinions (even incendiary ones), it's another to try and force them on others.

 

It's more important for your boyfriend to speak out and stand up to them when his family says things that are troubling. He too should do it tactfully. It's his family after all.

 

Part of being a well-adjusted and mature person is knowing how to interact and deal with people who have viewpoints you strongly disapprove of.

[Little Bird]

I've thought about it a lot more and I think it's best not to say anything when political topics come up in conversation. Although even though both my boyfriend and I share the same views which are different from his family's, I think he actually doesn't think his family are as conservative as I think they are. I think some members of his family hold ignorant and offensive views but he has shrugged it off as, "Oh, they just don't agree with any political party and complain about everyone".

 

I haven't actually said things like, " what your brother said about how statistics show most Mexicans immigrating to the States are criminals, was a pretty offensive and ignorant thing to say given he doesn't even know any Spanish people!" I think he knows in general I won't agree with their views, but I'm not sure he knows how much I find it offensive. I also don't want to out right criticise his family, so I haven't actually pointed specifics out.

 

His family are all Christian and Caucasian and I am not religious and Asian. I grew up in a big city, going to schools where white people were the minority, so I grew up around people from many different backgrounds, and can relate to people who struggled, with immigrant parents myself. His family are very comfortable financially and they all grew up in a small town where everyone holds the same opinions.

 

Should I say things like, "that thing your brother said was ridiculous" or let it go?

 

Just so you know how conservative some of them are, one of his family members believes a comprehensive sex education causes sexual addiction and psychological dysfunction. It really blows my mind!

 

Maybe it bothers me so much because I've never come across people who hold different views.

[phineas]

First, I have found conservatives to be more tolerant then progressives. As to Donald Trump not only is he an ass hat, he is a socialist, just as the national socialist party (better known as Nazi) and the fascist where. So next time ask them are they really going to vote for a socialist. (hee hee)

 

As to evolution: why and how did part of a lizard brain wind up in her brain? Honest it would seem like the result of an alien experiment is as valid as anything else. Frankly who cares?

 

Look I worked closely with people who where very progressive and where shocked to learn I considered myself more conservative then anything else. Why, I judge my friends from the "back yard perspective". Who stands up to their own and says no. Who stops to help and then leaves without ever saying boo. Who can't get past people are more important then things, but knows a free loader or a narcissist when they see on and cuts them out of their life? (hey Donald looking at you big guy.)

 

A person asked me does someone faith matter to you or the issues. Simple answer what does that faith mean to them and do they live up to it. Do you really care if a person believes murder is wrong because a non existent god says so?

 

Obama is a socialist also.

 

Hello, i'm a moderate.

I don't allow myself to blindly support someone based on a political affiliation.

I prefer to pick and choose my "dream team" from both sides.

 

Too bad both sides suck ass.

This country needs a 2nd party.

 

i'm the lightening rod of hate when it comes to dating & political parties.

I'm sure to have both sides pissed off at me if things turn political by the end of the night & I like it that way.

 

I'm not just abrasive on the forums, i'm a legit dic in real life.

 

Can't piss me off by calling trump "chump" or Hillary a "pant suit wearing femi-nazi" grade school name calling doesn't irk me like it does the card carrying sheeple.

 

I am probably going to get my online dating accounts deleted because I keep messaging women who are very vocal politically in their profiles.

 

politics is a joke.

No matter which side gets into office NOTHING ever changes.

Progress in this country is exactly what politicians don't want.

 

I can't believe people would allow politics to affect their dating life though.

[phineas]

I've thought about it a lot more and I think it's best not to say anything when political topics come up in conversation. Although even though both my boyfriend and I share the same views which are different from his family's, I think he actually doesn't think his family are as conservative as I think they are. I think some members of his family hold ignorant and offensive views but he has shrugged it off as, "Oh, they just don't agree with any political party and complain about everyone".

 

I haven't actually said things like, " what your brother said about how statistics show most Mexicans immigrating to the States are criminals, was a pretty offensive and ignorant thing to say given he doesn't even know any Spanish people!" I think he knows in general I won't agree with their views, but I'm not sure he knows how much I find it offensive. I also don't want to out right criticise his family, so I haven't actually pointed specifics out.

 

His family are all Christian and Caucasian and I am not religious and Asian. I grew up in a big city, going to schools where white people were the minority, so I grew up around people from many different backgrounds, and can relate to people who struggled, with immigrant parents myself. His family are very comfortable financially and they all grew up in a small town where everyone holds the same opinions.

 

Should I say things like, "that thing your brother said was ridiculous" or let it go?

 

Just so you know how conservative some of them are, one of his family members believes a comprehensive sex education causes sexual addiction and psychological dysfunction. It really blows my mind!

 

Maybe it bothers me so much because I've never come across people who hold different views.

 

My family was VERY vocal against bush during the obama campaign. Demo all the way.

Now?

Not so much.

It isn't worth it honestly.