big dog Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Do you think emotional affairs can be as bad as physical affairs? 4
Rockdad Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Get caught at either one and you will get a real life demonstrated answer. 6
sunburned Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Yes! You click, you connect, you text about work or the shared interest that brought you together. Then you're "checking in" after hours ... then the texting becomes more personal ... about buying a new car ... then more intimate ... about your spouse, your kids etc. Soon you are thinking about that person all the time and wondering why your spouse/SO can't be more like so-and-so. Having an EA takes time and energy away from your M or other primary relationship. It is dangerous in and of itself and it is usually just the beginning. 5
Satu Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Yes, they are every bit as bad, and just as damaging to the betrayed partner. 4
Liam1 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Do you think emotional affairs can be as bad as physical affairs? IMO, people have been having emotional affairs for years, but they were just a lot less intense. In the 80s and 90s it was a situation where maybe they would meet for lunch and have a flirty conversation and nothing more, and it did not take too much attention away from the spouse and family. Today, with the internet, and cell phones and texting and instagram and on and on, it is too easy to stay connected to someone of the opposite sex that you are flirting with. IMO, This ability to stay connected all the time to the outsider in a marriage takes too much time away from the spouse and family and leads to the other spouse feeling neglected and left out. So, the bottom line is that, yes, in this era an emotional affair can be just as damaging as a sexual affair because being technologically connected all the time leads to neglect of the family. 3
Lady2163 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Do you think emotional affairs can be as bad as physical affairs? I have a tougher time processing emotional affairs as affairs because I have many male friends who I have a kinship with. I was in the military, in a few hot spots. We have a bond, a connection. A friendship, a camaderie. So, when I've met men in the civilian world, I don't think anything about it if we have a conversational style similar to that of my female friends or family. I've have been surprised when I learn they don't talk to their girlfriends or wives the same way. Or as much. I think it is my last bastion of naïveté. 4
66Charger Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Emotional affairs are way more devastating than a physical affair, especially for the female gender. Interesting enough, on another thread the conversation trended to how weak MM are and how Men are able to compartmentalize and not "process their emotions". Thats because in most cases, there are no emotions. But there are a bunch of lies. You have the family, wife, kids, house and history on one side and the lust, sex, validation and illicit on the other. Love is a emotion. Lust is a feeling. When Dday happens, why the surprise that the Man is able to dump the OW in a heartbeat for the wife? He compartmentalized? No he didnt. He always knew. And it is written over and over again. He is not going to leave. The OWs are truly in love. The MM is ALMOST never in love. The delusion is so sad. It takes years and consequences to get over a EA, especially if you are female. It takes 1 second to get over a PA, especially if you are male and get caught. The proof is in the stories of MOST of the MOW who post here. If the husband (bs) could read the true EMOTIONAL thoughts of their WW, they would divorce yesterday. Converse that with a Liam type post and there you are. A PA can kill a marriage. A EA can kill your soul. 6
carhill Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Do you think emotional affairs can be as bad as physical affairs? Depends on the people and how one defines 'bad'. Some folks dabble, delete and go on like nothing happened. Others get embroiled. Some marriages are replete with EA's and do just fine. Others are destroyed. Everyone is different. I've personally seen no commonalities. In my generation, the overwhelming amount of women I've had personal contact with regarding the topic don't even consider their conduct inappropriate as relevant to an affair because, well, generally, it's sex which defines affairs. No sex, no affair. That was the takeaway from the majority, not all, of the interactions I've had over the last 35 years or so. 2
66Charger Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 After rereading the question, if there is no physical component to the EA, then of course it is not as bad. It is illogical to think that one can have a LTR and NEVER have thoughts of another. It's going to happen. However, strength is not what one thinks, it is what one does, when faced with adversity.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I have a tougher time processing emotional affairs as affairs because I have many male friends who I have a kinship with. I was in the military, in a few hot spots. We have a bond, a connection. A friendship, a camaderie. So, when I've met men in the civilian world, I don't think anything about it if we have a conversational style similar to that of my female friends or family. I've have been surprised when I learn they don't talk to their girlfriends or wives the same way. Or as much. I think it is my last bastion of naïveté. That's different. You're not emotionally investing in someone with romantic intentions and falling in love. Having a connection and a genuine care for a platonic male friend is okay, it's not going to lead to the bedroom or hurt others. 1
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 After rereading the question, if there is no physical component to the EA, then of course it is not as bad. It is illogical to think that one can have a LTR and NEVER have thoughts of another. It's going to happen. However, strength is not what one thinks, it is what one does, when faced with adversity. It is as bad because that person is detaching from their spouse unknowingly and investing efforts, feelings into someone else. That's wrong. Big difference between a little day dream vs allowing your feelings to grow and get attached to someone else outside the marriage. 3
JohnAdams Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Do you think emotional affairs can be as bad as physical affairs? No.... Often with an emotional affair, the BS may not know the extent of the affair. Was it infatuation, a fantasy, just good friends. With a PA it confirms your worst nightmare. 2
66Charger Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Big difference between a little day dream vs allowing your feelings to grow and get attached to someone else outside the marriage. Thanks for correcting me. Thats what I meant
OneLov Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 No.... Often with an emotional affair, the BS may not know the extent of the affair. Was it infatuation, a fantasy, just good friends. With a PA it confirms your worst nightmare. Interesting point. But in terms of long-term reconciliation could the former actually be worse because you never truly know the extent? I guess what I am saying is once you're worst nightmare is confirmed you at least know it can't get worse? But wouldn't an EA always make you wonder if one day your worst fears may be realized because you never truly know the extent of the relationship because like others have said the line crossed with EA is much more subtle? However, I agree the discovering/disclosure of a PA is worse.
JohnAdams Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Interesting point. But in terms of long-term reconciliation could the former actually be worse because you never truly know the extent? I guess what I am saying is once you're worst nightmare is confirmed you at least know it can't get worse? But wouldn't an EA always make you wonder if one day your worst fears may be realized because you never truly know the extent of the relationship because like others have said the line crossed with EA is much more subtle? However, I agree the discovering/disclosure of a PA is worse. Just from my standpoint, I think I could have gotten over an EA much quicker. I do not think I would have thought the worst. Actually, when I first found out, I thought it was only an emotional affair. It was only a couple of weeks later I found out it was a PA. I found out by asking directly, "did you F... him" and yes it did get worse after that. That caused me to ask more questions and each answer was worse than I had imagined. 2
dichotomy Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Generally speaking as a guy - PA's are worse. Lets say level 10. However there are many shades and hurtful levels to EA's.... women can be very attached with out sex ....and depending on how bad the EA is - it can be pretty close to a PA. My wife had an EA with a MM she was previously a mistress too. Basically she downshifted from sex to emotional when she met me - but would not let go of him, there was alot of glue with him, and conversations and actions which were disrespectful and hurtful to me. However if I had found it to be a PA, I would have divorced for sure.
OneLov Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I agree most guys think PA's are worse. It's because guys bond through activities where women tend to bond through emotional expression. Tailgating and talking about your favorite sports team over a beer and a brat is the equivalent of expressing our feelings for a person. We have done this since our need to travel great distances and efficiently hunt and haul large game. Obviously sex is activity. So if a woman has physical relations with another man, it directly breaks the bond(s) he had formed with her husband/boyfriend. After thinking about OPs question, I believe that in general PAs are worse. However, I believe the temporal element would be the biggest factor in deciding which is worse. I feel that I would be less likely to forgive an EA that had been going on for years than a PA going on for months. But I also believe the majority of affairs have a physical and emotional component. Not all, but at least one person is usually invested physically and emotionally. OL 2
jasmineb Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I believe this could be influenced by gender but could also depend upon personality and how important physical intimacy is to the Betrayed Partner. If sex is a primary way in which a person bonds and connects and it is vital to them then being sexually betrayed by their partner would be crushing. But maybe an emotional connection would not seem as bad. For someone who does not think of sex as vital or important then it may be harder to think of the straying partner being emotionally attached. This might explain why women seem to have harder times with emotional affairs and men physical. Because the case of the woman not valuing or needing sex as much seems to be more common. My personal opinion is that both are bad but in different ways. It might be similar to asking is it worse to get stabbed or shot. 4
Gloria25 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I believe this could be influenced by gender but could also depend upon personality and how important physical intimacy is to the Betrayed Partner. If sex is a primary way in which a person bonds and connects and it is vital to them then being sexually betrayed by their partner would be crushing. But maybe an emotional connection would not seem as bad. For someone who does not think of sex as vital or important then it may be harder to think of the straying partner being emotionally attached. This might explain why women seem to have harder times with emotional affairs and men physical. Because the case of the woman not valuing or needing sex as much seems to be more common. My personal opinion is that both are bad but in different ways. It might be similar to asking is it worse to get stabbed or shot. Agreed, I believe men see PA as worst cuz they connect with their women through physical sex. And yep, we women bond emotionally. You can't barely get us to have sex with you unless you connect with us emotionally. But, for me, sex hurts also cuz yes, I guess cuz while some men can compartmentalize the sex they have with "nobody" vs someone they actually give a hoot about, it still hurts me that he'd share something so intimate with someone else instead of me.
jasmineb Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I am a woman who is very sexual. An emotional affair would hurt me but my partner being sexually and physically intimate with another person secretly and breaking their faithfulness would be very very devastating and would likely unrecoverable. It would be even more painful if he would not give me intimacy but would give it to someone else. But the main problem with cheating to me is the very obvious lying part. I do not know of anyone in the western culture who does NOT expect fidelity when they marry. So a person who cheats in any form is knowingly breaking a promise that they made and they are doing so secretively. A person who can do this and not feel it is wrong is someone who would not be a good spouse for me. 2
carhill Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Another consideration, especially if referring to 'affairs', which indicate repetitive interaction over time, is, relevant to physical and sexual contact, the consideration of STD's. It's impossible to get STD's from contact which is not physical and sexual. Another consideration is pregnancy, something which can occur with anyone of childbearing age. It's impossible to get pregnant or get someone pregnant with an EA. For a person who gives those considerations more weight, that might tip the balance towards a PA being more serious and injurious to the betrayed party. In some cases it could be so, directly and physically. TBH, back when I was young, EA's weren't discussed or even heard of. I didn't get exposed to the terms until after the commercial internet became available. That could be demographic-driven, IDK. We tended to discuss that kind of stuff in MC, that also being something few I know of my generation go for. They use a phrase I've seen here on the forums, psycho-babble, to describe it. To be sure, they're not wasting their life time or energy thinking about it. Maybe that's instructive. 1
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 The "love" word is very important to many women, so if he said he loved another in an EA, then that puts the OW on a par with his wife, his kids, his mother... and that is pretty uncomfortable thought. I guess many would rather he was thinking with his blank, than with his head.
OneLov Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) I agree the answer to OPs question is not entirely gender specific but I believe there is some science to suggest each gender, in general, would answer the question different (see below). But so would I depending on the length of the affair. I could honestly understand a few months but never years regardless of whether the affair was physical, emotional, or a combination thereof. To me, at least, the results of this research explain why women may answer OPs question different than men would. Again, I'm not classifying this as a gender issue but can see why members of each gender may have a tendency to answer OPs question differently. Men may never truly get over a relationship break-up, says study Quotes: "Put simply, women have evolved to invest far more in a relationship than a man," Morris said. "A brief romantic encounter could lead to nine months of pregnancy […] while the man may have 'left the scene' literally minutes after the encounter.” But men are more “competitive” in their approach, meaning the loss of a woman they see as a good catch could be deeply felt for months or even years. "The man will likely feel the loss deeply and for a very long period of time as it sinks in that he must start competing all over again to replace what he has lost - or worse still, come to the realisation that the loss is irreplaceable," says Morris. And because women have more to loose by choosing the wrong partner, they are also more likely to pull the plug on a relationship – with 70% of divorces in the US filed by women. Edited March 31, 2016 by OneLov 1
OneLov Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) There are a lot of women in this world I'd sleep with. However, there are very very very few (currently none that I know of) I would let my guard down around or want to spend the rest of my life with. I tend to view the emotional connection as more sacred than the physical because it's so so so much more rare. Sex is cheap. So the more I think about it, an EA would be worse for me. But I'm not trying to marginalized anyone who would think otherwise. I can see that side too. Edited March 31, 2016 by OneLov
dreamingoftigers Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I agree most guys think PA's are worse. It's because guys bond through activities where women tend to bond through emotional expression. Tailgating and talking about your favorite sports team over a beer and a brat is the equivalent of expressing our feelings for a person. We have done this since our need to travel great distances and efficiently hunt and haul large game. Obviously sex is activity. So if a woman has physical relations with another man, it directly breaks the bond(s) he had formed with her husband/boyfriend. After thinking about OPs question, I believe that in general PAs are worse. However, I believe the temporal element would be the biggest factor in deciding which is worse. I feel that I would be less likely to forgive an EA that had been going on for years than a PA going on for months. But I also believe the majority of affairs have a physical and emotional component. Not all, but at least one person is usually invested physically and emotionally. OL Fascinating about the bonding you mention. I am female but find the opposite with myself. I bond through sex. Through and through. I find the PA to be stunningly worse. I know it may sound very, ummm....insensitive to many others recovering from EAs, but I couldn't give two craps about who he's having lunch with or sharing stories with. I guess for me, I've never felt much "personality insecurity" and haven't had much trouble finding a relationship, despite not being that physically attractive. So, I know I could date again and probably marry. But where I am insecure, if sexually because of my lack of attractiveness. I don't require a lot of "attention" but I do feel often sexually neglected and unattractive. So given that, a PA stabs me right in the insecurities. In fact, I suspect people generally want to feel loved and cherished for the qualities they figure they lack a bit. The public speaker wants to be told he's a "great listener." The loner wants to be told she's "a great friend." Pretty women want to be seen for their "brains and achievement" even though they are often noticed for looks instead. Women like me? I was to be loved and appreciated for my enthusiasm to get down, and maybe someday someone would actually find me pretty too. Instead of the occasionally forced "you look nice today." Whatever that means. It's like my brain translates it to "yes, dear, shy that's stunningly accurate, I am 'nice' 'today.' Not one homicidal thought yet." 2
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