yololin Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) She has all the signs of a controlling GF. We are long distance. She's a korean in Korea, and I'm ethnically chinese in London. We visit each other every few months. We normally stay in contact through out the day, whenever I'm alone or on break we talk - to the point where we are just listening to each other do chores. She wants to know where I am at all times. If I tell her where I'm going, she tells me not to. If I answer her calls when I am out, she makes me tell everyone I have a GF and even tries to video call so people/my friends know. It makes me feel so awkward and not trusted. I'm the type of guy who puts the phone away when I'm out. It's so off putting when I look at my phone a few hours later and there are 100 messages and multiple missed calls, all accusing me of cheating because I haven't replied. She breaks up with me if I go out without telling her beforehand. She breaks up with me when I'm playing sports and can't answer my phone. She breaks up with me when I don't return her calls. She always tries to plan my time and questions my schedules. She calls me strategically to make sure I'm where I'm supposed to be. Apart from this, she's very loving, funny, generous, beautiful and weird. I really like her and she is challenging in a good way. We've been dating on and off for a few years-ish. Sometimes, her controlling nature makes me feel very loved and safe. It is also a prison. She's so insecure that she doesn't even want me to talk to girls period. E.g. I work in an elementary school and naturally most of my colleagues are women - We actually had an argument about that. Or I hang out with my friends and some of them are women. We seemingly argue about these topics non-stop. Her main argument rebuttal is - "how would you feel if I did the same? Hanging out with guys all the time and never picking up your calls, is that ok?" Of course it wouldn't make me feel good, but she is colouring such a sordid picture of what she thinks I do. It's disingenuous. We've argued about this for so long. I hate being accused of being an ass. I've never been an ass and none of my previous GF's have every accused me of being an ass. But this one supposes I am straight away. I feel like I am spending my time proving myself to be innocent whilst she is spending all her time trying to prove me to be guilty. I know she's cheated on others in the past, and others have cheated on her, so it's a complex , but it's incredibly tiring for me to keep up with her paranoia. I feel like the more controlling she is, the further she pushes me, the more likely I'll lose interest and allow someone else to enter my life - which I don't want at all. I still like her, beyond reason. I don't want to let her out of my life but I don't play these trust games anymore. If she wants to leave because she can't stand moments of absence for me to have my own life, then so be it. All I have to do is pick up my phone every time she calls and make her feel secure that I'm not cheating on her, but the more she strops, shouts and accuses me of doing something wrong when I haven't, the more distant and unhappy I feel. If she just totally backed off and trusted me more, I would be more forthcoming, and I think she would be able to see that she's chasing imaginary demons. I feel like I've tried my best in the past up until now. These days I just let her be mad and I just block it out. Communication hasn't worked. Right now, she's stopped messaging me and not reading my replies until much later. She's not calling me or picking up my calls. I know she's doing this on purpose. She wants me to ball out and apologise on hands and knees, but I haven't. In her few replies she says that she doesn't care what I do anymore, and that she's given up. In a way I've gotten what I want. But at the same time, I don't want her to give up, but understand me. What do you guys think? Edited March 31, 2016 by yololin
diddy Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 maybe its cos of the long distance thing,have u tried talking to her about how controlling she is(try to make her see how its affecting u?if communication hasn't worked then whats the point? maybe its time u break up,loving her wont make ur relationship last if she is like this unless ur willing to put up with her tantrums 1
joseb Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I'm always amazed how people put up with this kind of nonsense. At least you realise something is wrong, I guess that's a start. The whole thing sounds truly awful. What exactly are you getting out of this. Other than being nagged constantly? When you say things like "her controlling natured makes me feel safe" I really worry that she has done such a number on you that you really can't see how bad she is for you. I'm sure in a city of 4 million women you can find better. Or be single. Far better than this. 15
salparadise Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Anxious attachment, abandonment issues. She doesn't have the ability to change even if she wanted to. You're both growing weary of it and ready to call it done. You because you can't stand being smothered, her because the need to control far exceeds her ability to in the context of a long-distance relationship. She feels you asserting boundaries and it feels like abandonment. Her solution is to abandon you preemptively. I think you just need to let her go. You can't fix it. All you can do is try harder and harder to appease, but you've already done that and she's still not happy. It's collapsing under its own weight. Next time try to choose someone with a mostly secure attachment style who lives nearby. It will feel entirely different. Best of luck to you. 5
kendahke Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Dude--seriously! Break up with her. You don't even live in the same country, let alone the same area. There is too much broken with her for you to be able to enjoy a sane relationship. It's not your responsibility to bear the burden of her irrational insecurity. Break up, block her and be done with it. 5
Tribble Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 She breaks up with me if I go out without telling her beforehand. She breaks up with me when I'm playing sports and can't answer my phone. She breaks up with me when I don't return her calls. So how are you together? Stay broken up already. Obviously neither of you are happy. This sounds like a nightmare. Grow a backbone and learn to be happy single. Then the right person will come along who lets you have your own life and can communicate without throwing their toys out of the pram. Exactly how many times have you broken up? And how in the world do you end up getting back together? 4
hippychick3 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 There are absolutely zero reasons to stay with her. You sound like an emotionally abused person when you say that her excessively controlling behaviors make you feel "safe." That's the opposite of safe. She doesn't love you or truly care for you. No one who did would treat you that way. She may be obsessed and have attachment issues, but that does NOT mean love. The way she treats you is horrible. Real love is wanting your partner to be happy even when you're not around. 7
mrldii Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 In addition to what most of the others have mentioned, and as someone else also zeroed in on, this part: ... She breaks up with me if I go out without telling her beforehand. She breaks up with me when I'm playing sports and can't answer my phone. She breaks up with me when I don't return her calls... is what makes you let it stay broken-up the next time she does it. Aside from anything else (the long-distance, her anxiety, her otherwise great qualities, etc.) ANYone who uses breaking up whenever they don't get their way/what they want is NOT ready to be in a relationship. For this reason alone, you need to let her be until she IS grown-up enough to be relationship-worthy. Best of luck to you, OP... 1
Rockdad Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Here in the States we would describe her as a Prison Warden. Quick sign me up for some of that!
Omei Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) I've been in a long distance relationship for 5 years before the only reason it ever lasted that long was because of the trust we had but there was a wack of issues just from being LD it's hard by itself. This girl doesn't even sound like she would make a good land gf lol break up its not worth the time and money it's costing you clearly you're very unhappy if you broke up I could see you being more relieved than sad. You won't change her tbh the loss of you is what might spark her to consider to change her behaviour in the future, but it won't be while you're together and it won't be from a temporary break up. Edited March 31, 2016 by Omei
smackie9 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 If a relationship causes so much pain and anxiety....you have to ask yourself, is this worth it??? No, this not how two people should be, all worried, miserable and unhappy. I know it hurts, but when you let go, the pain isn't that bad and goes away even quicker.
AMJ Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I know she's cheated on others in the past, and others have cheated on her, so it's a complex , but it's incredibly tiring for me to keep up with her paranoia. What do you guys think? I think it's insane to send someone 100 messages in a single day, or demand that you never talk to women, including coworkers. How can feeling like you're in a prison feel good, ever? She's not challenging in a good way. A person who challenges you in a good way is making you a better, stronger person. Someone who builds you up, not tears you down. You're probably thinking that if you lived in the same place and saw each other more often, she'd calm down. But she'd actually just have more control over your life. Instead of feeling like you're in a prison, you'd actually be living in her prison. They say that people who cheat are always the ones who accuse others of cheating. Are you so sure she's being faithful to you? Someone as highly insecure as she is likely needs constant, daily reassurance of her value and worth, and I'm not convinced that your long-distance attention is enough for her. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 You are letting her do this. If you didn't participate, she would not have this much power over you. Next break up should be initiated by you & permanent.
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