Catch2.FMX Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Hi All, first and foremost...Thanks for taking the time to read my thread and attempt to provide some advice regarding my predicament. I will try to be as concise as possible! Recently my girlfriend has broken up with me, under quite hard circumstances, what was a normal relationship turned Long distance has ended badly for myself, she was the instigator and has found another guy almost immediately (suspecting him to be the reason to break up...). Anyway, here is how it all started, its quite a complicated but interesting story IMHO. It all began when I went to work at a shipbuilding yard in one of the Scandinavian country's. First weekend out I met this girl towards the end of the night, we hit it off immediately...I was her first one night stand, logical after I found out that she was 19 (Myself 25). We had a connection and lots in common. She got very attached to me over the next month, myself also to her, we did all the usual couple stuff, without the lovers type of affection. She took me to meet most of her family and friends. Things got serious, we had a few holidays together, one to my home land. But still I had my reservations, I knew that I was going to have to leave in a few months time and knew the fate of most long distance relationships... So we were in a kind of perpetual dating phase, without too much mention of the word love...Although occasionally. I knew that she wanted things to be more serious and she really loved me like she had never loved anyone before. I was not too sure if I wanted to get too deep. I know NOW that I unintentionally hurt her by not being on the same page. As much as I really liked her and loved her I didn't want things to get too serious, knowing the future. Therefore from her perspective I took her for granted making my own plans sometimes and pursuing my hobbies (Skydivings one bloody addictive sport!)on some of the weekends, instead of devoting all my time to her... I was kind to her and made her very happy, we never argued, although she wanted to break up once because she felt like I took her for granted, not intentionally. So, 5 months later when I left once the Ship was put to sea with myself on it as crew we talked about the situation between us. During the last month we were very close. I was realistic about leaving and having to "break up", she proposed attempting the long distance thing. After an emotional good bye, I left. While at sea sailing down to our next stop off (Tenerife) we continued talking, she smothered me and got angry if I was busy. We argued, resolved it and agreed to meet up in Tenerife (her idea). She flew out and we had a week of the most amazing time together ever, I made a huge effort to make it special, we became closer than ever. Even though she told me honestly that before coming out, her feelings had started to fade away. She left Tenerife still wanting to make it work, madly in love, skyping lots and more affectionate than ever over chat. That only lasted two weeks before her feelings started to fade away, and she started to question the practicality of the distance relationship...Apparently it felt right when we were together, but when apart it felt wrong. She questioned everything about us, taking her for granted, my reservations in the early stages, different stages in life (shes about to go to University). I told her I was leaving the ship in a few months and might get a permanent job in her home town with the shipyard. In the mean time I would come to see her for two weeks in a months time after NY. We kept it going, but by the time I was about to fly out I could tell that her feelings had faded, we had a few arguments during that month, I had very strong feelings for her, I deeply missed her, but she appeared to not feel the same way...I questioned this with her, she was cold about it... But we had moments when she expressed how hard the distance was, but how good it was when we were together. So I flew out a few weeks later excited to see her and very much still in love with her. I noticed that things were not the same, we had some great moments, but others were bad, really bad. I walked out on her (out of the hotel room) one night after a night out during which I felt quite ignored and distant from her, getting back to the hotel she showed little affection and went straight to bed and didn't want to make the most of it (ie make love/have sex) I felt neglected and went out for a drive... Something I deeply regret doing, I was over the limit, but it was 0400 am and drove around the block in a deserted small town (Still no excuse I know). She was fuming... We had a whole day after of not really talking, it was awkward. She got annoyed every night when I wanted to have sex and she was "tired", I admittedly got a bit grumpy and persistent each time, but far from angry. She saw each time I nagged her as a huge lack of respect to her, this happened 4 times. Reflecting on it now I should of probably realized that I was on thin ice as it was...But I had just been away for almost 2 months, faithful and just missing our intimate moments together, this got the better of me. A few times it was natural and she made the move, but other times I expected it, as we had always been very active in the past...wrong of me...her feelings had changed. We did have some great moments when she was very loving and turned on. Those were incredible for both and she even apologized for being such a "nutter" at times, referring to her stressed behaviour. During the whole of my stay, she was working and studying, finishing late stressed and tired. It seemed that this shed a negative light on everything and didn't help. We really did not have much time to go and do stuff together. I almost spent more time with her family! Which have always really liked me and seen me as a positive influence on her. I left and we resumed our long distance relationship again, this time she seemed more affectionate than ever, missing me very much, talking about plans for the summer together, her parents meeting mine in my side of Europe. Everything seemed OK, she was talking about applying for a University in Spain near my home, etc... This lasted about 2 weeks... Then... We skyped one evening and I was told that she needed space, she was confused about her feelings and needed time to think things through. I was confused, and tried my best to not message her, but could of admittedly done better. After talking to her mum, she told me that her daughter was in a bad mood at the moment and stressed with final exams, but to not give up...The family was really on my side. Two weeks later we Skyped again on Valentines day (I sent her some flowers too). This is when she broke up with me... After a 3 hour talk, she told me that she needed to be single for a while and focus on herself, but "if it happens it happens". Reasons for breaking up were on both a logical and sentimental/emotional level... Feelings fading away, going to University at end of summer, different life stages...all the usual again! And also the bad stuff from the past. "It feels right when were together, but when were not it feels wrong, my feelings fade too fast and thats not how it should be". But she said she still loved me, and we should meet up this summer as intended, see how things go and "I hope I get those feelings back". But with emphasis on the "I need to be single and focus on myself, but if it happens it happens, and same for you". I had my suspicions... I gave her another two weeks, during which we had a bit of small talk. I asked if we could have a Skype again and talk. Then she revealed that there had been some changes in the last few weeks. She had been seeing someone and things had got serious. She really loved him (in two weeks) and it felt right. He's from the same town. "The reason that this has happened is because I don't have enough feelings for you". "I have moved on and so should you". She was cold and almost angry during the chat...it seemed like she hated me and gave me the impression that she does not care if we never meet again. That's the bit that hurts the most. That we have never had a proper relationship. And how the last trip did not feel right at all. All the stuff she said about future plans felt right at the moment apparently. I'm disappointed that she has let the distance fade her feelings, without giving this another chance when we get together this summer as planned. It seems like she just found a better option to replace me with and didn't care enough about me. I have seen a side I never expected to see. She said that she expected me not to be too bothered...I took it well in a mature way, but still found it hard to not question. Not once did I insult her directly, or "loose it". I am determined to go back and talk to her face to face in a months time (And to pick my stuff up from her house!), I cannot get my hopes up though, all the odds are stacked up against me compared to this other guy. For now I am keeping to the NC rule, hard as it is. She has deleted our facebook chats and blocked me on numerous social media platforms (Instagram and Snapchat). The bottom line is that I am really hurt by this, I have massive regrets about certain things that I could of done differently to avoid this. I was prepared to make this relationship work no matter what. I have learnt from my mistakes, but it is too late. In the beginning she was the one very much in love, now the tables have turned...timing is everything in life I suppose. I really need to at least try to get her back, when we were together in good circumstances it was so right in every way, and getting to know her better at a distance just talking has reaffirmed that tenfold. Its almost like the distance has warped her perception, along with the faded feelings. I am not being delusional by saying that she is worth it. Anyway folks, thanks to those who took the time to read this, any advice is welcome.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Sorry for the circumstances, OP. And I'm also sorry to say this one's done. She's so young and she's already found someone else. You can see, through your description of the relationship, that it wasn't going so well. There were problems, and she can't force herself to have feelings she just doesn't have. That doesn't mean she never cared about you, but consider her age for a moment. She is still figuring out who she is and her place in the world. When we're that young, we're not normally ready to settle into a big commitment even if we daydream about the future. Our desires change quickly because we're still growing. Keep up No Contact. If you try to contact her now, it will push her further into the arms of this new guy. Don't try to reach out to her. She knows where you are if she wants to talk, but she's been very clear that she doesn't want that right now. Go radio silent. Focus on you and moving on. That's not to say she's never coming back, but it's not going to happen right now. I speak from experience of having been a young girl in my day!
Author Catch2.FMX Posted March 31, 2016 Author Posted March 31, 2016 Thanks for your prompt response ExpatInItaly! Yeah, I think you are probably right, but there are a few other factors to consider. During the time of the breakup she was doing her final exams for University, and for her they are a big deal...In her country they have 6 hour long exams, she was mega stressed, feeling down and panicking. She had a short temper with me and everyone else according to her mum. I know her feelings and thought process have been affected negatively by similar things in the past. The worst part of it all is that the last trip would of tainted all the other good moments. During the "I have found someone else chat" she referred to all the good times as "quite al-right" or it was "Ok"...when I know as a fact that at the time and shortly after she said it felt so right, was amazing, loved it, etc...She has basically nitpicked the whole relationship and focused on the negative aspects really. Anyway, while this guy is on the scene there is nothing I can do. Although people that know him reckon that he is just entertaining her. My ex and himself broke up with their partners (myself and his ex) at the same time after talking to each other about how to do it as they were in the same situation. It seems a bit rushed.
kasop Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 She started the moving on process awhile ago while you were still trying to make it work. Once a woman decides to move on isnt when she actualy breaks up with you. If anything you helped her solidify this decision. The new guy is the final thing she needed to truly end it with you. Now its your turn. Next.
mightycpa Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 ...I was realistic about leaving and having to "break up", she proposed attempting the long distance thing.Apparently, not all THAT realistic about it. You got suckered back in, didn't ya?
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