almond Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 (edited) Alcoholics have no conscience when they're drunk. All self loathing. I've known a few white wine zombie wives. Be happy you dumped her. Hopefully she gets help. Not being sexist but alcoholic men usually don't cheat. Whiskey Di## PREVENTS THAT Lol, I enjoyed this post more than I should have. Edited May 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
smackie9 Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 Alcoholism is an addiction. They won't see that they have a problem until they hit rock bottom. I hope she is there or there soon, and stop the denial. OP if she ever does get in contact with you again, send her a link to the Alcoholics Anonymous website. Maybe that will get her thinking about it.
Space Ritual Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 UK21, I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. I have over 20 years of sobriety under my belt. Hindsight being 20/20, I know how my drinking and drugging really affected people who were close to me but of course during my practicing days had not one care for anyone but myself and my party. I had to hit rock bottom in order to even thinking about beginning to recover. And that meant I had to lose enough friends, money, jobs, you name it. It of course is not the same for everyone that is either a binge drinker or an alcoholic, but everyone it affects has their threshold, and you hit yours with your girlfriend. And I want you to know that it's ok. The best thing you could have done was extricate yourself from the situation for your own sanity. Sounds like your ex will have to be much like me and hit rock bottom for the scales to fall from her eyes. Just remember everyone's rock bottom can be vastly different. But she will have to want to stop drinking for her own sake, and nobody else's. There is little you can do other than separate yourself from her. She may never hit that rock bottom and may wither and die but as much regret as you feel, you are not at fault. Please try to remember that.
Author uk21 Posted May 14, 2016 Author Posted May 14, 2016 UK21, I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. I have over 20 years of sobriety under my belt. Hindsight being 20/20, I know how my drinking and drugging really affected people who were close to me but of course during my practicing days had not one care for anyone but myself and my party. I had to hit rock bottom in order to even thinking about beginning to recover. And that meant I had to lose enough friends, money, jobs, you name it. It of course is not the same for everyone that is either a binge drinker or an alcoholic, but everyone it affects has their threshold, and you hit yours with your girlfriend. And I want you to know that it's ok. The best thing you could have done was extricate yourself from the situation for your own sanity. Sounds like your ex will have to be much like me and hit rock bottom for the scales to fall from her eyes. Just remember everyone's rock bottom can be vastly different. But she will have to want to stop drinking for her own sake, and nobody else's. There is little you can do other than separate yourself from her. She may never hit that rock bottom and may wither and die but as much regret as you feel, you are not at fault. Please try to remember that. @Space Ritual Congrats on your sobriety! I think this affects me so much because my father was an ex alcoholic. I never want to put anyone through what my dad put my mother and I through. I don't think she understood that about me. Crashing her car and almost killing herself I thought would be her rock bottom, but I guess that wasn't enough for her. I think she is a good woman, but I don't think she sees how her going out affected me and our relationship. I don't think she notices that she has an issue. She took some mandatory DUI classes, and she took a test and her results were not an alcoholic. I don't think this test had any affect on her like an AA meeting would. But with you being an ex alcoholic its nice to know that you see the signs just like i did. I no I wasn't crazy!!!
Author uk21 Posted May 14, 2016 Author Posted May 14, 2016 She went out drinking a lot, you didn't like it and you made it clear and I guess it caused arguments and she eventually dumped you. Many people self medicate with drink, we don't really know why she did/is doing this. She may be an alcoholic, she may just not be particularly happy in her life atm, or she is simply going through a partying phase, who knows? You ask "is this me being too controlling/jealous?" we don't really know, we weren't there. On the surface "She went out drinking excessively I tried to stop her" - No. But did your need for control over her, sabotage the relationship on a deeper level? Only you and her know that. How old is she? @Elaine567 I think she thought I was attacking her and didn't want her to have fun by saying things about her going out. She always told me yea she went out, but at the end of the night she came home to me and only me. I respected this, but I don't think she understood that my issue with her was being out in the bars in the first place. and she just turned 24
Emilia Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 @Space Ritual Congrats on your sobriety! I think this affects me so much because my father was an ex alcoholic. I never want to put anyone through what my dad put my mother and I through. I don't think she understood that about me. Crashing her car and almost killing herself I thought would be her rock bottom, but I guess that wasn't enough for her. I think she is a good woman, but I don't think she sees how her going out affected me and our relationship. I don't think she notices that she has an issue. She took some mandatory DUI classes, and she took a test and her results were not an alcoholic. I don't think this test had any affect on her like an AA meeting would. But with you being an ex alcoholic its nice to know that you see the signs just like i did. I no I wasn't crazy!!! It's not her job to understand and change, it's your job not to stay with an alcoholic! You can't expect other people to change just because you don't like who they are, dating - before getting into a relationship - is about finding out whether you are compatible, you clearly stayed 6 years too long with this woman and you need to read up on what codependency is. You have to learn how to make better decisions and how to have better boundaries, you have to learn how to avoid copying your parents and end up in codependent relationships. You were an enabler, contributing to your ex's shame cycle. Hope you have learned from that.
brothers343 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Three Important things come from drinking heavily. 1 is that you loose your loved ones, at least the ones that really care. 2, you get DUIs which are hard to get of your record. And the most important one of all......you kill yourself or you kill someone else, and like all car crashes that drinking is involved. You the (DRINKER) survive. You did good in letting go of her.
Author uk21 Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 (edited) Hello all. Ive recently gone through a break up of my now ex girlfriend of 6 years. We have officially been done for about 3 months now. As some of you may know my emotions have been a roller coaster ride. I figured I was over her but i just heard the news that she is already seeing someone else. I didn't find this out by facebook stalking or asking around trying to know her business, I just got this info from a friend who dates one of her old associates. I know we are over but hearing that made me feel that feeling in my chest and stomach. To me it seems rather quick to move on and seems like they were talking when we were dating. to see someone you once loved move on so quickly kind of hurts. I just need some advice on how to stay positive and focusing on me instead of worrying about her personal life. If anyone has been in this situation what did you do to help push you through? Edited June 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs ~6
heartbrokenoff Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Hello all. Ive recently gone through a break up of my now ex girlfriend of 6 years. We have officially been done for about 3 months now. As some of you may know my emotions have been a roller coaster ride. I figured I was over her but i just heard the news that she is already seeing someone else. I didn't find this out by facebook stalking or asking around trying to know her business, I just got this info from a friend who dates one of her old associates. I know we are over but hearing that made me feel that feeling in my chest and stomach. To me it seems rather quick to move on and seems like they were talking when we were dating. to see someone you once loved move on so quickly kind of hurts. I just need some advice on how to stay positive and focusing on me instead of worrying about her personal life. If anyone has been in this situation what did you do to help push you through? hiya, how old are you? my story are similar like yours but 11 years together and stayed NC for 3mths plus now. What i did is i signed up for gym and work out. So far it helps me, although sometimes i do wonder why women can changed so quickly and cruelly..
gaig Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I don't believe they are cruel or it is a matter of cruelty. And, admittedly, it's much easier for a single and available girl to find someone than the average guy in general. They know they have to move on and a relationship will make it easier, we all know that. Continuous contact with someone (especially if he is somewhat attractive and above) will help. And even if it doesn't work for the rebound guy, well, bad news for him. But he did serve his purpose. Maybe the female members of this forum can explain this better and give their "hands on" perspective. Plzzzzzz
keiji Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 They know they have to move on and a relationship will make it easier, we all know that. Continuous contact with someone (especially if he is somewhat attractive and above) will help. And even if it doesn't work for the rebound guy, well, bad news for him. But he did serve his purpose. Exactly what my ex-girlfriend said she was doing five months ago. Literally: "I sleep with him to try to forget you. It's my way to deal with it". Which is probably bull****, because you only need one or two occasions to know whether that person will make you forget your ex, but anyway. The guy was a rebound, that's undeniable.
basil67 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 You want to know how someone can move on so quickly? It's because they did their grieving for the end of the relationship while they were still in the relationship. In your case, the relationship was filled with turmoil and a lack of cohesion about what is important to each of you - so it stands to reason that when she was ready to end it for the last time, she hit the ground running. Only time will tell if the new guy will last. But it's not necessarily quick timing. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 You want to know how someone can move on so quickly? It's because they did their grieving for the end of the relationship while they were still in the relationship. In your case, the relationship was filled with turmoil and a lack of cohesion about what is important to each of you - so it stands to reason that when she was ready to end it for the last time, she hit the ground running. Only time will tell if the new guy will last. But it's not necessarily quick timing. 100% agree with all of the above. When I ended a 5-year relationship (many years ago) with an ex-boyfriend I was already emotionally checked out. This is not to say I didn't try to address the problems we had - I did. Many times. For some reason, he didn't seem think I was serious about being unhappy. So when the end finally came, I was ready to move on. I met someone else a couple months later and we ended up staying together almost 8 years. OP, my advice to you is to do what you're doing now - vent here. Or to other relatively neutral third parties. Feel that pain a bit; bottling it up will make it worse and delay your healing. Remember that even though she is with someone else now, it doesn't devalue what you two shared. And when you've done your healing, you will be amazed at who walks into your life too. 2
urmysong Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 You want to know how someone can move on so quickly? It's because they did their grieving for the end of the relationship while they were still in the relationship. In your case, the relationship was filled with turmoil and a lack of cohesion about what is important to each of you - so it stands to reason that when she was ready to end it for the last time, she hit the ground running. Only time will tell if the new guy will last. But it's not necessarily quick timing. I agree with this too.
sooshi Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I'm so sorry you're hurting. Like Expat said, her dating someone else doesn't devalue what you both shared. I know it probably doesn't feel like that. I know it hurts to see her with someone else. Focus on healing. Focus on yourself--do what you want to do, for you. Make choices that are conducive to the life you dream of. Take care.
bummer Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 In the future, stop any associates from leaking info to you about her. Her personal life is now 100% hers and yours is 100% yours. Remind yourself. She survived before you, and is surviving well after you. Work on thriving after her! New hobbies, exercise, try things out of your comfort zone. Just one small thing a day or per week. Try talking to strangers on transit. Go to meetups. Join a club or sport. Host guests via couch surfing. I dunno. Ask your friends for things to join. Just don't ask them how your ex, who is not yours anymore, is doing! NC works!
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