uk21 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Hello all! I have recently ended a 6 year relationship with my GF. Actually she broke up with me. The six years together wasn't perfect by any means. We would have our arguments break up then be back together in no time, but this time it is different. I can feel and tell that she is really done with me:(. Im trying to understand why we broke up. Before the break up I contacted her asking her to come over after work, and she responded that she did not have any clothes to wear for the morning so I took that as a no to coming over. I responded by saying alright and didn't get a response back. It was killing me not hearing from her, but my pride took over and I couldn't text back I felt that she was ignoring me.I felt that since i responded with alright she should text back something. It took 5 days to hear from her and thats when she texted me saying that she felt that we were holding on to something that cant be fixed and that we should just focus on ourselves for awhile. From the conversations we had I got the hint that this wasn't a break up to make up. This was a break up and eventually move on. I have had thoughts of her not being the one because she enjoys going out and drinking while Im more of a stay in the house wine night or movie type of guy. She has had a DUI and almost killed herself in the process. I come from an alcoholic family so I tried explaining to her why I don't want her drinking excessively, but it just goes over her head. I have no issues with her going out and enjoying herself having girl nights etc, but when she has bruises on her body from falling down, and she starts going out 3-4 times a week, and I feel that she would rather go out and drink than hang with me thats when it becomes an issue for me. During the breakup she told me she was unhappy and totally lost herself in the relationship. This was my first time hearing this. She told me before that I was pushing her away but I thought I fixed all of those issues. She said not texting her for 5 days is what really pushed her away for good but Im trying to figure out how am I the one to blame when she never responded to me. I really think that during those 5 days someone else had her attention. I don't get how you can't text for 5 days then when you do talk to me its to break up. i think she had someone to fall back on which made it so easy for her to do so. I could be wrong but that is how I'm feeling. I try to text her and sometimes she writes back but for the most part she doesn't. Her explanation is that she doesn't want to respond because every time we say we break up we never do because we always stay in contact with each other. She says she can no longer give me her attention. It hurts like hell, but Im trying to convince myself that this is for the better. Now that I don't have her I will do anything just to get her back. I have love for her but I really don't know if Im deeply in love with her or if I'm in love with trying to get her back because I can't have her anymore. When Im with her it feels like we are just going through the motions. Its like we are with each other because we are comfortable and don't want to see each other with anyone else. This time I think I lost her for good. Honestly she wasn't making me happy so I couldn't make her happy. I was suffering depression and that didn't help the fact neither. When your unhappy inside its hard to express and give the love another person desires. I was hoping she could understand that, but I guess it was too much for her. Since during those times I rarely talked and kept to myself. I would like some opinions and encouraging words about what I am going through. Thanks! 1
LovelyJoey Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I myself am very horrible at relationships but I shall try to give you some advice. It seems that you two weren't getting along as well as you used to for a while. You seem to be stuck on wanting her back, and accepting it's for the best. I could say perhaps you can talk to her, like a serious talk and sit down. I can't exactly tell you what to say and I wouldn't want my advice to make things worse or influence things in a negative way, but perhaps an honest talk about how you're feeling, what you'd like to say to her could help. Though I know it can be very hard to lose someone you love, even if it seemed things weren't as good as they could've been, I know how you feel. Perhaps go over what you truly feel or make a list, write about it, talk to someone you trust about it to help you make your decision in life. No matter what you'll be fine and find someone who you'll not only be truly in love with, they'll also be truly in love with you, you will end up with the perfect person for you. Stay strong bro, have a good day.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 It's hard when a relationship ends, but the fact that there were previous breakups indicates this relationship wasn't on solid ground. breaking up and making up repeatedly brews resentment and toxicity. It sounds as though there are some fundamental differences between you two, too. Her issues with drinking are a big one. It's possible someone else caught her eye during those 5 days, but not necessarily a given. However, I do think she is now using that to support her decision to end it. If it weren't that, there would be another reason. In other words, she wasn't happy anyway and sounds like she wanted out for a little while. Try not to overthink the 5-day silence, as there were surely other problems. Give yourself breathing room for a while. Pushing her to talk right now will not help, I promise. so stop texting her and reaching out. You need perspective for your own sake, and staying in close contact will hinder that. After spending some time apart, I think you will begin to realize it wasn't working and you probably weren't happy either. Do you mind if I ask how old you both are? 1
Author uk21 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Posted March 31, 2016 Thank you for those words. She will be 23 the on the 15th of this coming month, and i will be 24 in June. 1
Author uk21 Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 My girlfriend of 6yrs has recently broke up with me. Its been about 2.5 weeks since the break up and 11 days with no contact. Im getting better with each day, but there are some days and nights that I find myself thinking about her and wanting to work things out. However, I think she is completely done with me and is ready to eventually move on if she hasn't already. My question is her birthday is coming up on the 15th of this month, would it be wise to send a birthday text, or continue with the no contact? 1
SammySammy Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Continue the NC. Don't expect to stop thinking about your ex. I have exes that I haven't seen or spoken to in 10, 15 or even 20 years. From time to time, I still think about them. Still remember their birthdays. Remember the time we .... You once loved this person and they were an important part of your life. That's not going to change. It's okay to reminisce sometimes. Care about them. Hope they are doing well. No contact is about you though. Giving yourself a chance to make a clean break and recover from the break up. A chance to move on to a productive and successful future. Therefore, maintaining NC is in your best interest. 3
d0nnivain Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Maintain NC. She broke up with you. She doesn't want to hear from you. 1
PegNosePete Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Why are you doing the NC? If you can answer that, the answer to your question should become obvious. 3
elaine567 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 My question is her birthday is coming up on the 15th of this month, would it be wise to send a birthday text, or continue with the no contact? Why? So she can say, "Thanks UK21" or ignore it all together? Why would you do that to yourself? She dumped you, she is not blazing a trail to your door to say "UK21 I made a huge mistake please take me back" is she? As you say she is done with you, do not twist that knife further into your own flesh. 1
Satu Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Continue NC. Don't use her birthday as an excuse to contact her. She won't care, and its better for you if you don't. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 (edited) If you want to wish her a happy birthday so soon after the breakup, you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position; you're not being 'nice' or 'thoughtful' or whatever, you are seeking the attention of someone who has already made it clear she doesn't want it. For your own self-respect - which is way more important than 'respecting the NC rule' on principle - don't get in touch with her. Edited April 11, 2016 by PrettyEmily77
Author uk21 Posted April 24, 2016 Author Posted April 24, 2016 Hello all, me and my girlfriend of 6 years have recently broke up. It's clear to me that she is ready to be done with me since we've been down this road before and usually end up back together, but this time I think she is gone for good. It's been about a month strong with no contact. The first days and weeks were extremely tough to get over. As days and weeks passed I started to come to terms that I can't change how she feels and just need to move on. I was feeling happier and more free and using the breakup as a motivation to better myself. However, These past couple days I have been thinking about her and missing her like crazy. I have been keeping my self active, and hanging out with other woman (nothing sexual just friends) but all I can think about is her, and how these woman don't compare to her, and how I want her back around. Things weren't the best between us as I did some things and she did things that caused hurt to each other . Im kind of lost and upset because I really didn't get closure with the relationship I knew things weren't the best, but some of the reasons she gave me on why she ended left me kind of lost and confused. I really didn't understand it and when I tried explaining myself she really didn't want to heat it. I'm trying to be strong and continue no contact but a piece of me wants to text or call and tell her how much I love and want her back. Imagining her with another man really messes with me and would break my heart at this particular moment. I know I don't have any control of her actions but I feel that I'm still in love with her. I'm hoping that just is a little phase and will eventually pass. Has anyone else felt like this? And if so what are some things you did to help get past this feeling? 1
BilleRae Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 Hello all, me and my girlfriend of 6 years have recently broke up. It's clear to me that she is ready to be done with me since we've been down this road before and usually end up back together, but this time I think she is gone for good. It's been about a month strong with no contact. The first days and weeks were extremely tough to get over. As days and weeks passed I started to come to terms that I can't change how she feels and just need to move on. I was feeling happier and more free and using the breakup as a motivation to better myself. However, These past couple days I have been thinking about her and missing her like crazy. I have been keeping my self active, and hanging out with other woman (nothing sexual just friends) but all I can think about is her, and how these woman don't compare to her, and how I want her back around. Things weren't the best between us as I did some things and she did things that caused hurt to each other . Im kind of lost and upset because I really didn't get closure with the relationship I knew things weren't the best, but some of the reasons she gave me on why she ended left me kind of lost and confused. I really didn't understand it and when I tried explaining myself she really didn't want to heat it. I'm trying to be strong and continue no contact but a piece of me wants to text or call and tell her how much I love and want her back. Imagining her with another man really messes with me and would break my heart at this particular moment. I know I don't have any control of her actions but I feel that I'm still in love with her. I'm hoping that just is a little phase and will eventually pass. Has anyone else felt like this? And if so what are some things you did to help get past this feeling? While my last relationship wasn't nearly as long term as yours, 2 1/2 years is still substantial. Losing someone you love is never easy and moving on with life is even harder, however I would just make a special place for her in your heart, cherish the good times/memories you did share and move on. If your relationship has been "on again/off again" (for a lack of a better term) maybe you both need to improve upon yourselves as individuals, first, and then see where life takes you. I think you're off to a great start by attempting to move on, befriending other women, etc. Remember, no one will ever be her so comparing is only holding you back from fully embracing something that could be a good thing. What worked for me was: completely cut this person out of my life (social media accounts, clothes/objects of theirs, photos...everything) - the longer you keep reminders the harder it will become. I kept myself busy, specifically joined a kick boxing class and it helped me meet people (in the platonic sense). Lastly, just focus on yourself and your goals and in no time you'll be on a positive path and happier in general. I hope this advice helps. It's a constant struggle but remember, "in the end everything turns out okay, if it's okay then it's not the end." 1
sickoflove11 Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 Definitely don't give into contacting her. Stay NC it is honestly for the best. I always think, what can it hurt to just say what I need to say? But it just starts the pain all over again. I know everyone says it but just time is what really helps. Stay busy but also focus on yourself and do things that you like to do or would like to do. I've been working on mindfulness and whenever I think about him I try to think of something else right away. I can't say I'm doing a great job at it but I really don't know what else to do either. Social media is bad too. Don't search her or look up anything related to her. That will make it worse. You'll get past this just stay positive.
Author uk21 Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 Hello all, I have just got out of a 6 year relationship with my now ex girlfriend. It has been about a month and some days since no contact and im doing better than the first couple weeks. There were many issues in the relationship which i think eventually lead to our break up. However my biggest issue with my ex was her drinking habits. In the 6 years of our relationship i continuously asked my ex to calm down with her drinking. I have no issues with going out for a couple of drinks and her having girls nights, but that wasn't the case. She would drink and come home with bruises over her body not knowing where they came from. I eventually found out they were coming from falling down from being so drunk. She would go out 3-4 times a week and made me feel like i was the 2nd option after her drinking habits. She told me she thinks she had been drugged twice, and most recently just totaled her car and got a DUI. Not to mention the girls she is doing this with are all single. Every time that i told her how I felt and I didn't like that she drank so much, she would stop drinking for a couple days maybe a week or two at most, and then start right back up. This made me feel like what I said and how I felt didn't matter to her. It seemed like she was going to do what she wanted anyway. When she texted and called to tell me she was out or was going out my mood changed instantly and she could tell. My question is was I wrong for feeling this way by not wanting her out in bars all the time,or is this me being too controlling/jealous? 2
ana_maria Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Dear uk21, I don't see how you were wrong in your behaviour towards her. First of all - as a woman, I can tell you that drinking 3-4 times a week is UNACCEPTABLE!!! Having a few drinks with friends and socialising - yes, of course - that's not a problem, but getting drunk to the point of coming home bruised... - that's even scary! All you did was wanting something better for her, you were caring and concerned for her and this is what every person who cares and loves the other one would do. The ways it sounds to me is - she might even need a professional help to help her come off her alcohol dependency/addiction. Good luck! 1
Mikau Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Why does it matter? She's an ex now, what's done is done. Block her and try to move on. 2
Lois_Griffin Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Honestly, the only 'wrong' decision you made was to stay with this loser for 6 years. 2
Satu Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 There is nothing wrong in the way you have responded to this issue. Don't doubt that. Take care. 1
Author uk21 Posted May 12, 2016 Author Posted May 12, 2016 Yes you are right. I am moving on, but as you know when you cared/loved someone sometimes she popped up. I just wanted to ask this question because I felt like I was crazy. I felt like the things she did and were doing to me were wrong, but somehow she couldn't see and believe that it was. I wanted to see if there were others who thought like me or if I was being too controlling or jealous. So its good to see that I am not crazy.
Author uk21 Posted May 12, 2016 Author Posted May 12, 2016 Thank you for responding! I really wanted a woman's response and I thank you for doing just that. I try to understand how a woman with a fairly decent man at home would rather be out then enjoy time with me. Although she didn't go out 3-4 times every week, it happend too often for my liking. With her not understanding and not seeing an issue with that it really made me feel crazy. But knowing there are woman out there like yourself who sees that it is unacceptable while in a relationship gives me hope and peace to move on. It shows me that there are woman who would rather spend quality time then to always bee out getting drunk.
Beachguy Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 (edited) Alcoholics have no conscience when they're drunk. All self loathing. I've known a few white wine zombie wives. Be happy you dumped her. Hopefully she gets help. Not being sexist but alcoholic men usually don't cheat. Whiskey Di## PREVENTS THAT Edited May 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language~T
elaine567 Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 She went out drinking a lot, you didn't like it and you made it clear and I guess it caused arguments and she eventually dumped you. Many people self medicate with drink, we don't really know why she did/is doing this. She may be an alcoholic, she may just not be particularly happy in her life atm, or she is simply going through a partying phase, who knows? You ask "is this me being too controlling/jealous?" we don't really know, we weren't there. On the surface "She went out drinking excessively I tried to stop her" - No. But did your need for control over her, sabotage the relationship on a deeper level? Only you and her know that. How old is she?
elaine567 Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 Are you in the UK, am guessing so from your username? There is a huge drinking culture in the UK. Over half of women in the UK drink too much alcohol
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