Dating and Facebook Adds

[anderZ]

I guess I don't get it anymore. I used to, but now I don't.

 

I simply dislike Facebook adds in the early stages of dating, but a lot of people still do it. When I was younger I would add people easily on social media (especially back in the MySpace days). But nowadays I don't wont new people I'm dating to have access to all my thoughts, pictures, and life events (past and present).

 

Likewise, I don't want to right away have access to everything going on in their life (or past). One reason for this part is that if I do start to really like a girl, I couldn't help but look through her social media in an attempt to learn about her.

 

Anyways, over the last few years or more, I dont go out of my way to find someone on social media and connect with them. Usually the girl adds me, even if we've only been out on 1 or 2 dates. And sometimes even before we've met. And then if things don't work out you usually end up deleting one another anyways. And now that I think about it, Im still only connected to one girl on social media that Ive either dated or slept with.

 

I kinda wonder if Im just getting older and a bit of a fuddy duddy lol. I know many younger people (im late 20s btw) wont see this as worth even thinking about. But all I could think recently when a girl tried to add me on Facebook, was what lie I was going to have to tell her on our next date if she asked about it.

 

Because simply saying "I just met you, and we still don't seem to be sure how much we like each other" ain't a good answer if you've already slept together lol

 

Thoughts?

[truth_seeker]

I like checking out someone's FB and LinkedIn before I go out with them. If I get any hint of a girl lying to me, playing games, I cancel the date. Call it a semi-background check. I met some on Tinder who acted like they were single, but had boyfriends.

 

As for FB adds... if you slept with a girl on the first, second date and she wants to be on your FB, I would think she's kinda nuts. She's the type to sleep with a guy too soon, add on FB too soon, and be quick to delete you from FB and her life. I've had those... and to me >>> good riddance!

 

I would add them and not care if they stay or go.

[insert_name]

Adding a romantic interest on Facebook is not a good idea in the early stages when you aren't exclusive and there is an air of uncertainty about the long term future with that person.

 

A girl I was dating went searching for my profile when I was with her on the first date. It seemed easier and less awkward at the time to tell her where she could find my profile and then accept her request. Plus, I thought, what is the worst that could happen?

 

Boy what a bad idea that was. Never again!

 

A day or so later when I found myself with nothing to do I looked at her profile and couldn' help making judgements about her character from the excessive number of partying pictures and the ridiculous number of 'friends' that she had. She also seemed to do a nice side line in old profile pictures of her and numerous different guys who, judging by the cosy nature of them all appeared to be ex boyfriends. The worst aspect though was the ambiguous late night status updates that suggested she might have been out on the town with other guys.

 

In short, having a window on your potential date's life can give you an insight into their character which could be useful or potentially misleading if you are particularly judgemental, but it can also be a tool to really prey on your insecurities. She turned out to be exactly what her facebook profile painted her out to be: a party girl and very poor dating material. She stopped replying mid text one time and then a week later updated her profile pic to her being all couple-y with another guy. I am still friends with her but I have her on block now so I don't see anything of her activity.

 

So after that lesson I will not beat about the bush in future and flat out tell a girl that I will not add them until the point we are exclusive. I won't offer any further explanation other than that it is just the way it is.

[truth_seeker]

 

In short, having a window on your potential date's life can give you an insight into their character which could be useful or potentially misleading if you are particularly judgemental, but it can also be a tool to really prey on your insecurities. She turned out to be exactly what her facebook profile painted her out to be: a party girl and very poor dating material. She stopped replying mid text one time and then a week later updated her profile pic to her being all couple-y with another guy. I am still friends with her but I have her on block now so I don't see anything of her activity.

 

You bring up some interesting points. I think though if they have way too many friends, I'm talking close to 1,000 or over 1,000, and pictures with many different guys, I get the strong impression she's a flake and a skank. I mean why so many damn FB friends? How do you know close to 1,000 or more than 1,000 people? Unless you're a celebrity or marketing a brand or product, that's just odd. The pics? The selfies? The pics with many random guys? Red flags galore! That's enough to make me

[insert_name]

You bring up some interesting points. I think though if they have way too many friends, I'm talking close to 1,000 or over 1,000, and pictures with many different guys, I get the strong impression she's a flake and a skank. I mean why so many damn FB friends? How do you know close to 1,000 or more than 1,000 people? Unless you're a celebrity or marketing a brand or product, that's just odd. The pics? The selfies? The pics with many random guys? Red flags galore! That's enough to make me

 

It was 600+ in her case and she was an extrovert working in the arts so always meeting new people but still like you I see someone with that many friends who isn't a celebrity as very sketchy. You pretty much nailed it from the speculations in your post- she was a 'good time girl' who wasn't to be tamed and to be fair her facebook profile was a good warning so in that sense it was a good thing. But I worked all that out anyway from her erratic texting style. It is enough to know that someone is not all in for whatever reason. To actually be confronted with the ins and outs is not good for the self esteem and the lack of respect that they are doing it and letting you know about it through their status updates rather than being direct. I think that was the worst aspect, that I tried to pull away and she clawed me back with what she said to me when via social media she was saying something else.

 

So yeah, you can normally figure out what is going on without a social media profile rubbing it in your face. Avoid it, its like Pandora's box.

[truth_seeker]

It was 600+ in her case and she was an extrovert working in the arts so always meeting new people but still like you I see someone with that many friends who isn't a celebrity as very sketchy. You pretty much nailed it from the speculations in your post- she was a 'good time girl' who wasn't to be tamed and to be fair her facebook profile was a good warning so in that sense it was a good thing. But I worked all that out anyway from her erratic texting style. It is enough to know that someone is not all in for whatever reason. To actually be confronted with the ins and outs is not good for the self esteem and the lack of respect that they are doing it and letting you know about it through their status updates rather than being direct. I think that was the worst aspect, that I tried to pull away and she clawed me back with what she said to me when via social media she was saying something else.

 

So yeah, you can normally figure out what is going on without a social media profile rubbing it in your face. Avoid it, its like Pandora's box.

 

Some on this forum will tell not to pay any attention to FB - get to know the person IRL first. I counter with that you can be fooled by someone on there.

 

I met this girl 3 years ago who had a lot of party pics, hanging out with many guys, lots of FB friends... just didn't feel right. After we became FB friends, lots of those pics stopped and instead I kept seeing family pics, posts about her wanting to be a good mother and wife... I was like, who are you trying to fool here? After hanging out with her for a couple of months, it's was a sham. She was dating multiple men, bouncing from bed to bed, smoked, got drunk a lot... she thought she could hoodwink me. Didn't happen.

 

Some are just plain stupid and put everything out there for the world to see... then there are those who use social media to create a false persona.

[thecrucible]

I use Facebook and I'm 26 now and care a lot less about it. I rarely post status updates because I just got out of the habit and I don't often add people until I know them well and am likely to see them in person a lot. One day I just decided that I didn't really care about it as I'd wasted too much time on it. During bleak periods, I used to look at it and would make me feel worse. I now try and be very careful about what I share on the internet.

 

When it comes to dating, I don't really care about adding a guy I am seeing. I would look him up out of curiosity but I wouldn't add him on it (don't want to open any can of worms when we barely know each other). I don't google men either as I don't want to encourage any kind of infatuation before I really know them. I value my privacy so much more at this time. I don't have anything to hide but I don't want all my past to be visible to a guy I have only just met. I have however carefully deleted every single photograph with an ex from Facebook.

[anderZ]

Everything said in this thread is exactly why I avoid social media requests nowadays. Ive seen her profile, and while most of it is private, I already get the sense that it is better for me to know less about her and just enjoy the casual fun we have.

 

Its only been a few weeks, and I don't see us dating more than a couple months. Physical chemistry is good, but I think we are too different in terms of overall personality, life direction, and emotional compatibility.

 

Such is life. No big. Im learning to deal with not finding the right girl. Takes time.