Littlebird95 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Few weeks ago, I came here asking for help, as I didn't know if i should or not continue to be with my gf, because i still felt something inside for my ex and that I was not completely happy with my actual relationship. One of the thing that was making me hesitate alot is the way my gf feels about me. For her, I mean everything and she never loved someone as she loves me. She also has trusting issues, as she got cheated on in one of her previous relationship. I've finally decided to break up with her. Damn i feel like crap right now. I saw in her eyes that i just destroyed her heart. She even told me that she won't be able to trust any man from now on, cause she thought we were meant to be together, and also that she won't be able to find another man that will treat her the way I did. I know I had to think about myself first, but damn i feel so bad right now, for knowing how much I hurted her. I care about her, just not enough to stay together. But how can I leave peacefully knowing all the pain she'll endure for the next weeks because I let her down?
sorano Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 It is what it is bro. I got dumped. Most of us here got dumped. we learn from it and move on. you can't do anything. You felt it wasn't right for you, so you ended it. Now she has to go down the road of recovery like most of us do. You can't do anything about it. 2
BatManuel Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Just let her go. If you know what you did was right you had to do it. Don't linger in her life because that will just give her false hope and probably make things worse in the long run. If you do get back with your ex...be decent about having a respectful amount of time between breakup and reconciliation. Seeing your ex quickly getting with someone else is devastating.
bathtub-row Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 It's up to her to decide how she'll move forward from this. It's not your responsibility to define her world for her. Breaking up with someone is very difficult but, the truth is, if that person truly loved you, they wouldn't want you to stay with them if you're not happy. Your gf sounds a little needy and immature. It won't kill her to grow up a little. For the person who's brave enough to end a relationship, they have to keep the big picture in mind. The person that's clinging to the relationship won't be the one to do this. 1
Author Littlebird95 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Posted March 31, 2016 I just feel terrible at the moment. No sadness, just guilt. You should've seen the look on her face. So painful to watch. And she had trouble figuring out what to do of her life, not always getting along with her family. I was bringing her so much happiness. I know she'll eventually heal from all that. But still, she was so convinced that i was the one for her. She had 3 boyfriends before me and she told me she never felt the way she was with me, that i was so much different from others, that she'd never been able to trust anyone but she was trying so much to do it with me cause she knew i was her soul mate. When I told her I wanted to break up, she almost said she would endure anything to be with me. Sacrifice anything. I just wonder if I should have tried a little harder in this relationship cause god i've rarely seen someone loving another one like that. I always been someone that hated hurting people, that put others happiness before mine and for once I thought I had done something for myself but I ended up feeling even worse cause of all the pain and deception I just cause her and all the misery she'll go trough. I was the only thing that would help her in life, as her parents didnt help her that much. I just feel like a coward giving up on others.
Author Littlebird95 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Posted March 31, 2016 and what I mean when i say she wanted to endure anything, is that lately, because of school, stress and many factors, i was kinda rude with her, not totally respectful and invested as I should have in our relationship. I knew i would be like this for at least the next 4 years (until I finish university) and I knew it would be better for me and her to go seperate ways, but she refused to hear anything and said that she didnt care about all of these things, that she was there for me, to help me go through everyhting, and that she would endure all of this in order to stay with me. I mean, she was ready to do so much, and I wasnt ready to do much. Relationship can't be only on one side right? But still, seeing what she was ready to do makes me have second thoughts.
bathtub-row Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Lots of people would gladly sell their souls to the devil in order not to lose someone. I understand how hard this is but I also think there's some reason why you want out of this relationship that you may not even be aware of yet. You need your freedom right now and I think she's making you feel trapped. Instead of going back to her right away, at least give it some thought first. I'm not sure why she's saying that you've destroyed her trust. If you had cheated, that would be understandable. But the relationship just isn't working and she needs to learn that this does happen. She has a long life ahead of her where she will meet others. She can't see that yet because all of her focus is on you. And it doesn't make any sense that she says no one has treated her better and then to acknowledge that you haven't been treating her very well lately. She'll reconnect with someone else and she'll find love again. You simply cannot stay in a relationship out of pity or guilt. It will never work. 1
keiji Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Feeling guilty is normal and painful, but man, you did the right thing, you chose the most selfless path, you were considerate and you sound to me like a super decent person that cares about her feelings and doesn't want himself or her to live a lie. I wish I had been that honest with some girls and myself in the past. In the long run she'll be thankful for your having let her go. 1
Heatemyheart89 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 You know you did the right thing, you have to stop feeling bad.
Author Littlebird95 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 I exactly know why she said that, let me explain: she had 3 boyfriends before me, one of them cheated on her with her neighboor, one once told her «if one day im not with you anymore, i'll have to hurry to catch up my best friends 'cause he'll have sleep with more girls than I will have» So in her mind, all men are the same and she has difficulties trusting them. But i once confronted her about it and she told me she wanted to trust me so hard and that she was doing all she could to trust me but it was hard on her. I think the way she thinks i failed her is that at her beginning, we both were really in love and eventually we could be together in the long term. So for her, she trusted me when i told her this and it was sticked in her mind so by breaking up, i also broke her trust in anyone. For the part where she says i treated her better than anyone else, i know its true even during my worst days. She told me about her ex, and trust me, those guys were real a**holes. I dont know how she was able to stay with them but still, I'm probably the only one who truly cared about her, that wasnt selfish by wanting her to be happy, not just me. I didnt break up with her because i didnt love her, in fact i still do, but not enough to be willing to put efforts into the relationship and to prioritize her like I should. Its just that I cant forget her face, the sadness and pain were so visible I barely can handle this. Those memories are so painful and wont get out of my head. I really do care about her, thats probably why it is so hard for me right now.
Author Littlebird95 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 I sometime wonder if i should write to her in a few weeks to see if she's doing all right and to make sure she undertands I did this for both of us and that she'll be better without me
preraph Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Just make sure she knows it's not something about her.
Author Littlebird95 Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 I might give it a try in something like 2 weeks, to make sure everything's is ok and that she truly undertands the reasons. I've read on many websites that a dumper always feels relief after dumping someone, but i totally disagree. There's nothing relieving in that. I just can't stop thinking and feeling guilty for what i did, Also, I cant avoid thinking about myself, why did i give up so easily. Like, was it the good call to make, did i make it too soon (i mean, maybe I could have waited to our summer vacation in 1 months to see if things could really work out or not). If I'm ever gonna find someone that loves me as much as she always did. I just feel so empty. I've been a dumpee before that (got dumped after more than 5 years with one of my ex) and now I've been the dumper and you can trust me that none of thoses positions is fun. Is it normal? I feel like I don't even want to fall in love anymore. I've been hurt so much when being dumped, and now i feel like garbage after dumping someone.
burnt Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 I might give it a try in something like 2 weeks, to make sure everything's is ok and that she truly undertands the reasons. NO NO NO. no. no. Don't. It takes a lot for the dumpee to start to take it one day at a time to start to heal. If there's one thing a dumper can do that's more hurtful and painful than the actual dumping is contacting the dumpee back again "just to see if she's ok". I add to what everyone else has said here. That you needed to end the relationship. And it's ok. It's ok to break up. You did the right thing. You sound like a very kind and considerate person; you did the right thing by ending it sooner than later. You ended it in a respectful way. Give yourself the credit for that. Be kind to yourself for that. BUT, Now, she needs the time and space ALONE to try to heal. IF you contact her, even with the best of the best intentions, it will do more damage to her. It may give you the peace of mind, but it will amplify her pain if she sees you or hears from you again. Once you ended it, let her go; let her heal now. If you feel that you didn't explain yourself fully when you actually broke up, then write a well composed email with all that you have to say and send it with a FINAL goodbye ASAP. Not two weeks from now. Not a month, not a year. NOW. Do not do anything to open the wound all over again, after she starts the recovery process.
privategal Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 I agree. If you reach out, sooner is WAY better.
Jersey born raised Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 It is one to stay way in the background and perhaps use mutual friends to make sure she is ok but actual contact will give rise tp faise hope. This is the advise I give to BS in regard to exWS: if I was hiking and saw my exWW hanging from a cliff of course I would call 911, but in would keep hiking.". In your case do it out of kindness for her sake. The fact is you both should 180 each other.
TheSwanGirl Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 No!!!!!!! Don't contact her. You will destroy her, you will give her hope. If you still have feelings for your ex, go for her! But just stay away from your newest ex... She will feel like you want to come back with her.
The_Dork_Lard Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 There are plenty of threads on here from confused and hurting dumpees that receive similar types of contact from their dumper exes. They usually confuse the dumpee into thinking it's an attempt to reach out, or get back with them, whereas it's not. It's simply to appease the dumper's own guilt. Just tolerate the guilt, and let her tolerate the pain, and it will be better in the long run for both of you. Don't contact her because you'll be doing even more damage, and will give you even more reason to feel guilty should you see how hurt it makes her.
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