Ennaxor Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 PLEASE give me your opinions!! My husband started working long hours, getting dressed up for work when he never did before, started to be distant with myself and our kids. All of this provoked me to start snooping around and much to my shock I came across emails, the email I am about to quote made me believe that he was absolutely having an affair. He denied the affair and said he did have a wrong friendship with this coworker, but didn't sleep with her. THE EMAIL: The subject field of the email: bb (baby) " Think whatever you want, I don't care anymore! I'm not the one f#ing other people, you are! If you had really wanted to be with me you wouldn't." So my husbands response when I discovered this email along with others was that he was talking about how he doesn't sleep with other people other then his wife, and the alleged mistress does sleep with other people, besides her boyfriend. Does that make sense to anyone? It doesn't to me! When I add it all up. The behavior, disconnection, long hours at the office, dressing up, reciepts I found, it seems to me he was jealous that his mistress was still sleeping around with her other boyfriend. That's my take on the email.. Context, context, context!! PLEASE, PLEASE give me your opinions on the email! Thank you! 2
GorillaTheater Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Your husband sent the email, I assume? It's likely irrelevant; whether he was the sender or recipient this all spells an affair to me, too. I'm very sorry. 5
jen1447 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I think you're probably right but does it really matter? If he's discussing "effing other ppl" w/someone in those terms, I'd say the cat's already out of the bag. 3
Author Ennaxor Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 My husband was the one who sent the email! 1
ShatteredLady Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 (edited) Ugh! I'm so sorry. I've been through this with my H. I will never know if he had sex with her when they worked together. I never had as much 'evidence' as you do. I've tried reading that message as 'innocently' as I can & I'm really sorry! I just can't think of any other meaning. Is your husband a man who commonly uses terms of endearment like "baby"? We're the receipts gifts & meals? Any trips or hotels? Let me be honest with you. My H became an abusive nightmare when he was having an affair. He's usually a kind & gentle man. I was so confused & such a mess when I discovered his first affair I was guilty of sweeping it all under the rug. He said sorry. He finished it with her. Life happened. His Mum died etc, huge life changing things so it just got 'forgotten'. She continued to 'reach out' for the next 12 YEARS!! Recently we went through a bad patch with my health & he started up with her again!! It's horrible! It's soul destroying! It demolishes all self confidence. PLEASE get to the bottom of this. You don't want to be me!! Be stronger than me. When I first came here about a year ago I didn't know that my H was having an A. I was just very broken & confused. People here gave me some great advise (that I didn't follow because I was convinced he could NEVER do this to me again!) my advise is read & 'listen' to everything members give you. This messes with your head. I was in shock & agony. Keep writing here & people will help you through this. Hugs Edited March 30, 2016 by ShatteredLady 2
Satu Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 (edited) The email and his change in behaviour suggests something inappropriate. You have to interrogate him, until he is like a lemon that has had every drop of juice squeezed out of it. Do not be unreasonably gentle about it... Edited March 30, 2016 by Satu 1
MJJean Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 It sounds like he was/is having an affair with her, she was/is also having sex with other men, he found out, and he's saying that if she wanted to have a relationship with him, she wouldn't be having sex with other men. I'm sorry. 4
sandylee1 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 He's gaslighting you. There is no other explanation for him to send this email.. other than he is linked to the woman in a sexual way. He's trying to downplay it. You clearly have more evidence in the form of receipts and the like... have you asked him about them? The affair could be over.. as they clearly had a disagreement.... but this isn't innocent and he would not buy the story if you wrote it to another man. Don't let him take you for a fool. The kind of thing I'd do with an email like that ... is say to my H... that "I'm drawing a logical conclusion based on what YOU wrote in the email..... but let's ask your brother /sister /your friend John what they think as independent people and get their views shall we". Note that I didn't suggest asking MY family or friends ... just his. When one BH found an email like this and his wife started lying ... he said I'm giving you one chance right now to come clean and tell me the whole truth and we have a shot at working this out .... otherwise if I find out ANYTHING else I'm filing for divorce. Only then did she come clean on this and a previous affair and a ONS. Stand your ground. 4
ChickiePops Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Can you talk to this woman yourself? Sorry OP but at the very, very least, he pursued a sexual relationship with this woman and she rejected him. But I think it was more than that. 2
jenkins95 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 (edited) Ennaxor, I'm sorry but I have to agree with the majority of other posters - it's very difficult to find an innocent interpretation to this email. Have you discussed it at length? Is he evasive and shifty, playing it down? Does he seem genuine and confident? How is his body language? Did you see a whole trail of emails or just this one? Has he been deleting evidence? It's strange that he says he's not the one "f#ing" other people - presumably you and he have a normal relationship? Clearly you are immune to this claim he makes, unless he is lying to her and told her it is a sexless marriage? The tone of the email is not nice at all - like they are having a major tiff. I guess the only way is to thrash it out with him and get all the answers you need from him. He must know he has severely betrayed your trust, affair or not. He needs to bend over backwards to do the right thing now - answer all your questions, reassure you, go into immediate NC with her, be completely transparent and show you every second that he loves you and wants to be with you. That is, if you still want him of course? Edited March 30, 2016 by jenkins95 2
ShatteredLady Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Depending on how much you've discussed... He doesn't know what information you have or where you got it. I ended-up insinuating that I knew a LOT more than I actually did. Bluffing that you know much more & giving him one chance to come clean..sitting quietly & just occasionally saying "and?...." Can get you a lot more information. I'm so sorry that you're here. Hugs 2
heartwhole Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 If this is an innocent email, then why he is referring to her wanting to be with him? Something is rotten in the state of Denmark . . . 2
BettyDraper Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Ugh! I'm so sorry. I've been through this with my H. I will never know if he had sex with her when they worked together. I never had as much 'evidence' as you do. I've tried reading that message as 'innocently' as I can & I'm really sorry! I just can't think of any other meaning. Is your husband a man who commonly uses terms of endearment like "baby"? We're the receipts gifts & meals? Any trips or hotels? Let me be honest with you. My H became an abusive nightmare when he was having an affair. He's usually a kind & gentle man. I was so confused & such a mess when I discovered his first affair I was guilty of sweeping it all under the rug. He said sorry. He finished it with her. Life happened. His Mum died etc, huge life changing things so it just got 'forgotten'. She continued to 'reach out' for the next 12 YEARS!! Recently we went through a bad patch with my health & he started up with her again!! It's horrible! It's soul destroying! It demolishes all self confidence. PLEASE get to the bottom of this. You don't want to be me!! Be stronger than me. When I first came here about a year ago I didn't know that my H was having an A. I was just very broken & confused. People here gave me some great advise (that I didn't follow because I was convinced he could NEVER do this to me again!) my advise is read & 'listen' to everything members give you. This messes with your head. I was in shock & agony. Keep writing here & people will help you through this. Hugs Wow...I didn't know that your husband went back to his AP. That's awful and I feel terrible for you. Are you going to stay with your husband? 1
BettyDraper Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Can you talk to this woman yourself? Sorry OP but at the very, very least, he pursued a sexual relationship with this woman and she rejected him. But I think it was more than that. This. The OP's husband is having an affair and trying to cover it with lies. That email is a huge red flag combined with the other behavior mentioned in the original post. 1
merrmeade Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Depending on how much you've discussed... He doesn't know what information you have or where you got it. I ended-up insinuating that I knew a LOT more than I actually did. Bluffing that you know much more & giving him one chance to come clean..sitting quietly & just occasionally saying "and?...." Can get you a lot more information. I'm so sorry that you're here. HugsDamn, girl, I can't believe the details we have in common. That's what I did, too. I planned it, read articles on getting people to talk and how to tell if they're lying. On of them said to put them at ease, maybe bring it up after a good meal. But I do think the main thing that worked was saying the OW had already told me (which was only partially true). 1
velvette Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Sorry, it certainly sounds like he is having or was having an affair. And, no his explanation doesn't make sense, because if they weren't having an affair, why were they even having this convo? Keep quizzing him and watch him closely. He may not spill the truth, but it will give you a good chance to identify his "tells" when he is lying. That will be useful in the future. Watch what he does when he denies any affair. Does he look down, touch his face, touch his mouth, etc. After you have that down, just tell him you don't believe him, that you know he's lying and he better start coming clean. Stick to that long enough and he will likely start telling you the truth. It wont be the whole truth probably, but just keep at it and/or kick him out and tell him theirs nothing further to discuss until he is ready to tell the truth.
flowergirl14 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Cheaters lie, deny and gas light! Some do it over and over again. I would investigate further or call it for what you know it is a Big Fat Affair. Your gut says 100% he is lying. That is the truth..no matter what he says!
aliveagain Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 THE EMAIL: The subject field of the email: bb (baby) " Think whatever you want, I don't care anymore! I'm not the one f#ing other people, you are! If you had really wanted to be with me you wouldn't." Translated, "I'm only fu*king you and my wife." He is having an affair, do not have unprotected sex with him because it is obvious that his affair partner is sleeping with many other men. Get tested for all STD's, have him do the same. Her boyfriend needs to be told about their affair and about her sleeping with other men, he too is at risk. See what he thinks of the email. You need to install a VAR(voice activated recorder) in his car, best place is attached under the passenger seat using a strong Velcro to hold it in place. That is where most cheaters have their private calls to their affair partners. You may also want to install a keylogger program on your computer, he may have hidden accounts your not aware of. Trust your gut. 1
oldshirt Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I think people are looking for specifics so much that they are missing what is blatantly obvious, which is that email is raw, passionate and emotional with someone who is supposed to be a coworker. That means there was passion and emotion between them. The affair may be in it's final days but the level of anger and disgust in the email means that there was passion and emotion between at one point. I work with some very nice, attractive, sexy, young women. I don't get riled up when they screw other men because I do not have any emotional or sexual investment in them.
road Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 PLEASE give me your opinions!! My husband started working long hours, getting dressed up for work when he never did before, started to be distant with myself and our kids. All of this provoked me to start snooping around and much to my shock I came across emails, the email I am about to quote made me believe that he was absolutely having an affair. He denied the affair and said he did have a wrong friendship with this coworker, but didn't sleep with her. THE EMAIL: The subject field of the email: bb (baby) " Think whatever you want, I don't care anymore! I'm not the one f#ing other people, you are! If you had really wanted to be with me you wouldn't." So my husbands response when I discovered this email along with others was that he was talking about how he doesn't sleep with other people other then his wife, and the alleged mistress does sleep with other people, besides her boyfriend. Does that make sense to anyone? It doesn't to me! When I add it all up. The behavior, disconnection, long hours at the office, dressing up, reciepts I found, it seems to me he was jealous that his mistress was still sleeping around with her other boyfriend. That's my take on the email.. Context, context, context!! PLEASE, PLEASE give me your opinions on the email! Thank you! All those red flags are enough to say WH having an affair. That email just confirms it. Do you know how many OM/WH make their AP stop having sex with their BH? Lots of BH have been cut off from sleeping with their WW. Why? Two reasons. The first one is the WW wants to be faithful to their OM. Which to me is ROTFALMAO because here they are cheating on 1 man and wanting to be faithful to the other 1. The second reason is many OM/WH are on such an ego trip that getting some side action from his OW is not enough. He needs to have the OW/WW he is cheating with be faithful to him. I mean after it is not ok for her to cheat with others. It's only ok that she cheats with him.
Try Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 THE EMAIL: The subject field of the email: bb (baby) " Think whatever you want, I don't care anymore! I'm not the one f#ing other people, you are! If you had really wanted to be with me you wouldn't." I think people are looking for specifics so much that they are missing what is blatantly obvious For me the blatantly obvious part was when the OP said to the other woman "If you had really wanted to be with me". Even if you ignore common sense and read the email the way that your husband wants you to, he was giving this other woman the option to "be with" him and telling her what she must do. With such a willingness to dump his martial commitments to you to be with this other woman, the rest of the details do not really matter. He is for sure being unfaithful to you and your marriage, even if you put logic aside and assume that it is only an emotional affair ("EA"). You have all of the proof needed to prove to yourself that he is having an affair. Expose this affair to your family and file for divorce. Do not look back unless he makes the effort to earn a second chance. If you are weak now, he will continue to cheat on you, if not now then later.
merrmeade Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 THE EMAIL: The subject field of the email: bb (baby) " Think whatever you want, I don't care anymore! I'm not the one f#ing other people, you are! If you had really wanted to be with me you wouldn't." This is one wayward behavior that is so illogical. I mean, how do you get your head around someone, who is consciously cheating on a spouse, in a huff because he thinks his AP is cheating him! How does this work in anyone's mind, even an affair-fogged delusional WS's? I remember going into one of my blank places mentally when my WH told me about his first affair when we were just married. We're talking 40+ years ago. He said he ended it because he saw her with someone else; iow, realized she wasn't "faithful" to him. It just doesn't compute, right? - that they can feel betrayed while betraying? Well, believe it and figure out why later. Probably ego but doesn't matter right now. Just know it can and does happen and act on it. Any explanation he gives that doesn't make sense, intimidates or somehow gets you to back down or dismiss is classic gaslighting. And, oh, they can be clever at this. The email just cannot have another interpretation in my opinion. So, first, you need to get more information - retrieve and organize emails, text messages, phone calls. put a VAR in his car and don't feel guilty about it. You have good reasons to mistrust him, so it is the only way to find out. That's the way it works. 1
Grapesofwrath Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 Trust your gut. I can't overstate that. Your mind will play tricks on you but your body never lies. If you are getting an answer that doesn't satisfy your question, then you are being manipulated. When people have nothing to hide, they hide nothing. As Merrmeade said, any answer that doesn't make sense, or if he becomes defensive or angry, these are signs that you are being manipulated. One other thing...He implies in the message that he is no longer sexually active with you. If that is the case, you have another reason to believe that he is cheating. 2
ShatteredLady Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 There's my husband Mr.H & then there's my husband in a affair Mr.Alien. If I asked Mr H "Is there another woman?" His response would be, "What's wrong love? Of course there's not. What have I done to make you think that? I'm so sorry. What's going on?". Ask Mr Alien the same question & the violent response is "What the hell is wrong with you?? No! I don't HAVE another woman, I don't WANT another woman, I'm not interested or attracted to ANYONE!! Especially YOU!! You're bloody crazy!!" Yep! Mr Alien is having an affair!! My excuse is - I was already pretty messed-up emotionally & I was heavily medicated from surgery. It took me most of that year to get enough evidence in my little folders to know for sure...then & only then did he confess. I NEVER once thought, let alone asked if he was being unfaithful in 12 years. Trust your gut!
Recommended Posts