How to forget what he did?

[Rym]

Hi!

Ive been seeing this guy for about a month now. It was an acquintace of my friend so I knew who he was before we even started being more serious. At the time, I was going out with my ex but things weren't going too well so we broke up. Then I met the guy I'm seeing now at an after hours club ( where I also met my ex. The guy now knows my ex they've talked before but they're not friends just saying hi when they see each other ). We clicked really well, we saw each other at the club one Saturday (and i go there pretty often, so is he) and it was obvious we were attracted to eachother and I wasn't hiding it. We had sex and one week after, I texted him asking him if he wanted to go for drinks. It was amazing and from there on we started to see eachother pretty frequently. Were people that like to dance and party so we would always go together to events, to shisha, etc. He was single for 2 years, saw girls but nothing serious. He presented me to his friends, and his best friend with whom we would go to the same events.

 

To be honest, it might seem cheesy, but we don't have sex, we make love. Were very passionate when we do it and he is very surprised since usually with previous partners he wouldn't do it so much but with me he always want to touch me, to kiss me, to hold my hands.

 

Now I.won't hide.it the one problem I had was that I was always late. I'm quite independent so when I say I'll be at an event I will but at the time I want, not necessarily at the beginning. He didn't mind but as things were getting serious, and we were seeing each other often we had a talk about it. I told him it was something i was working on, and I did as I started seeing him on time.

 

I saw him on Wednesday to go to an event. Before he wanted to get food so we went but it took a long time, so at the end he was frustrated and i wasnt feeling well. We went outside and i asked him if he was done and he got mad, because i was stressing him out. He told me to go away and i went to the event right away. Its not the first time he tells me i stress him out. When i want to talk about it, he tells me dont you see im joking. Anyhow, he came and apologized and asked me if i wanted him to leave me alone to which i said yes so he left. We decided I'd be best if he stays with his friends and me with mine during the event.. We texted each other during saying that i did care about him and he said the same.

 

Then after the event we got to his place and we started talking. He tells me he thinks we moved things too fast and he prefers backing up a bit and going to the dating period because he wants to know me better. I do agree I didn't rlly talk about my problems to him before always telling him I'm arranging my stuff and that i wasn't ready to tell him about it. He told me he really likes me a lot but he wasnt ready to commit because he wants us to know eachother better and also he didnt want drama because we keep having arguments. Right now i feel like i am always walking on fire. He tells me im always on the defensive and that he doesnt like my tone of voice. I ask him if he wants us to be friends. He says yes but that he still wants to be able to kiss me, cuddle me and stuff. I replied back telling him i couldnt do that asking him Why would he be able to have the same advantages as couples have without the drama and the responsabilities that comes with it? And he said that he couldnt just be my friend because he likes me. After that, we went to sleep and then he told me he doesn't want to fall for anyone else, he wants to fall for me. But that night again we went out to get food and he was tired yes and said I'm always on the defensive and that I always wanted to fight. I mean really, I just stopped talking for.me they weren't fights it was a discussion.

 

Today, he texted me inviting me to go to the spa. Honestly, I said i had something to do tomorrow but I thanked him for the invitation and said another time. I said that because I felt like we needed some distance. We saw eachother yesterday and I left his house early because I wanted some distance. He always feels attacked by everything I say and then when I respond he says I'm on the defensive so I thought it was probably best to let some days pass before.seeing eachother again. He didn't believe my excuse (which kinda was one) and told me that if I didn't want to I couldvd just said no instead of making something up. Then I sent him a big message expressing my thoughts on how I feel that I keep bothering him, because mostly everything I say gets him in a bad mood and out of patience and that I couldnt express myself like.I used.to because of that so why exactly did he want to see me again since he would get frustrated again! I asked him if was for the sex but he said he was disgusted that I always brought the subject back to the sex. Then he texts.me back 2 hours later asking me if I wanted to go hiking and go for a piknic because he wanted to see me, with or without sex. Then he changed his mind saying that if I didn't want to see him then he will stop trying to pressure me to do things together. I replied asking at what time he would like to go and telling him that if he was in a good mood I would love to see him if not, it would be best.to go another time. Then again, he tells me I'm on the defensive and that at least he is trying to see me and that he wants to. But the more he thinks about it the more he thinks this might not work if it goes on like this. I tell him i m leaving my ego aside and I sincerely care.about him and that I want to see him but I won't force anyone to go on if they don't want.to. To which he replies that its not about the ego if I keep making rules so.we can see eachother as he doesn't ( like for my ponctuality and etc.)! And that once again I react the same way as when we went to get food the night before : my tone of voice is so so defensive that we would never spend a good time like that. And that It seems like I keep insisting that he wants to see me just for sex and that I fail to realize that he really likes me, he really does. And that sex with me is not just an act but a way to show love and affection. And then good luck, "I finished trying". Nothing since. I have no idea what to do.

 

We were getting along soo well and now I don't know who is wrong or right. He was sweet ( I mean he Still is but I don't know), we made plans together, he told me he said so much about himself, more than he did with other girls maybe it was because I was 'innocent' that's what he said. I am honestly depressed because I do like him, I told him but I don't know what to say to make things better. I feel there's nothing I can say that won't make it as if I'm one the defensive AGAIN! His last text was about 6 hours ago, and although i don't know what to respond, I also don't want him to think I agree with the 'I finished trying' as if I as well wont try anything. But I feel like in a relationship efforts have to come from both sides. So he stopped trying but what now? I have to do all the job? Then again, haha were not in a relationshop as he said it himself, since he likes being single but still wants me to be around him expecting nothing of him and vice versa.

I don't know what he wants of me i was just happy spending time with him.. Who is wrong and who is right? And is this really worth it??

[Gaeta]

No it's not worth it.

 

I made real efforts to keep on reading after the part where he tells you to go away.

 

It's not normal to have so much problems after such a short period of time. Your differences run deep into your personalities and it's a lost cause to try to become compatible.

 

Being friends is not a good idea. It's obvious he only wants to keep the benefits without having the title and responsibilities of being in a relationship.

 

He is showing you who he is, accept it. He is impatient and condescending. Just say No Thank You.

[angel.eyes]

Bottom line: If you're asking this question one month into seeing someone, the answer is "no."

 

One month in, you should be in the honeymoon phase. The fact that you feel like you're always "walking on fire" around him (your words) or always on the defensive (his words) and that he feels attacked by everything you say are signs that the two of you just aren't compatible. Yes, couples fight occasionally, but not to the extent that you two are...and certainly not constantly at the one month mark, which is where you guys are.

 

We can also look at his comments:

• He needs to step back since things moved too fast
  
• You stress him out
  
• He has "finished trying."
  

 

Just because someone is sweet or you enjoy cuddling with him doesn't mean the person is right for you. You need to learn to recognize basic incompatibility and walk away once that becomes apparent. He recognizes that and is telling you in multiple ways that he wants out.

 

Holding on tightly is not going to change the outcome. It will only make things more unpleasant. When someone wants out, let him go and wish him luck...especially if it's just been a month..

[Rym]

Hi guys,

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months, but about a month ago, we had a big fight (we were going through some very stressful events the both of us). At that time, we were living together, and because i wanted to avoid more drama, I took all my stuff and left, thought it would be better to take that night off to think separately.

 

According to him, it was a break up and i guess it was, but for me it was more like some time off to think, then get together and talk and move on. We talked a bit by text that week-end, but that's all, then on Monday we met to talk and it didn't really make things better because of that stressful situation we were going through.

 

Before that fight, we used to go out a lot and i used to see his girl friend (which was a girl he dated for about 2 months or so before he met me), and she seemed really nice. So when me and my bf had that big fight where i didn't know what to do, i thought about contacting her to meet with her, since she knew him a little bit as well. We met on Wednesday.

 

After all that, me and my bf got back together, but 2 weeks later we had another fight (again, we were going though that stressful situation) and he admitted in his anger that while we weren't together for a week or so, he slept with that girl (his ex, girl he dated, i don't know what to call her).

 

I can't even describe how shocked i was. I saw that girl on Wednesday to be able to talk to her, and she didn't even tell me what she did. When i wrote to her to confront her, she told me that she didn't think that would've helped especially with the situation me and my boyfriend were in and she didn't want that to influence my decisions.

 

I am with my boyfriend now because i love him, but I just can't get these events out of my mind, they are always there. Gosh they didn't even do it with a condom, it's so... disgusting. Every time I think about it, i feel so disgusted.

 

Questions always pop in my mind like where did they do it, was it in his bed? or at her place? in which positions did they do it? what did they do after? Plus on Wednesday she told me she did saw my bf on Sunday (the day before we met to talk, which was Monday evening) so they must have done it the day before we met to talk? I just keep putting the puzzle back together, and i can't believe it.

 

He apologized, and said he did because he thought i did not care about him or loved him. But gosh, now i don't know if i trust him. And these thoughts keep me distant from him, and i think he starts to notice that i'm very distant and seems to want to pick up fights with him, but it's because of all of what happened.

 

He has so many plans for us in the future, he even proposed we go to uni together, goes to the gym with me all the time. He started work 2 weeks ago, so we decided it's best if i don't sleep at his place (i did not move back with him yet since I'm not ready financially, and other) because we always go to sleep very late. But lately, i do comment on this saying how we basically only "see" each other only 3 times/week (but we see each other every day at the gym), how if i don't show up, then we wouldn't see each other at all. And then he accuses me of never offering any activity. But all of this is because i'm becoming more and more distant because of these thoughts and the distrust i feel constantly.

 

How do you get these thoughts out of your mind?? This is having effects on our relationship, and i wish i could talk to him, but I will feel like i'm digging things that belong in the past, and he would get mad. And then we would probably start throwing at each other stuff we did in the past, and this would be harmful for our couple.

 

Please HELP, if anyone knows what to do. I just don't know how to get past it, i fear that if i'm getting more and more distant, he would feel less loved, or if i don't care about him and would do it again.

 

Thank you

[d0nnivain]

I don't even know where to start.

 

 

First if you haven't even been dating for more than a year, it is way too early for you to be living together. When you move in too fast this is what happens.

 

 

I agree with him that when you left after the fight and took ALL your stuff, you broke up with him. It would be one thing for you to grab an over night bag announce you needed to think & leave but ALL your stuff . . .yeah, he was right to think you weren't coming back. Your decision to do that also gives me the impression that you are dramatic & lack the mature conflict resolution & communications skills needed to sustain a relationship.

 

 

Your ill-advised decision to seek out one of his EX's to "compare notes" further indicates that you lack the maturity to keep your on counsel. Dragging third parties into a fight between you & your SO is asking for trouble. The fact that he had sex with her while you were apart is not an image you are ever going to get out of your head. She's certainly no friend to you.

 

 

You claim to love this man but seriously, even assuming that is true, love will not be enough to save this relationship. Sorry.

[big dog]

The "visions" won't go away. Even if in time you felt you might be able to trust him from that point on, the memory of this will remain forever. Best thing to do is bail out before you get any deeper in this relationship. Chalk it up to experience. Like d0nnavain said, it was way too soon for you to consider living together. You didn't know each other well enough at all.

[Nilfiry]

You lost your trust? Get out before you hurt yourself more. Your relationship is over, unfortunately.

 

I mean, your relationship has red flags everywhere. Fight all the time. Sleep with another girl the instant you were off. Side-chick. Save yourself and end it.

Edited January 15, 2016 by Nilfiry

[CarrieT]

Get out before you hurt yourself more. Your relationship is over, unfortunately.

 

I mean, your relationship has red flags everywhere. Fight all the time. Sleep with another girl the instant you were off. Side-chick. Save yourself and end it.

This is exactly what I was going to say or more succinctly.

[CC12]

I am with my boyfriend now because i love him

 

This may sound strange, but that's not a good enough reason to be with someone. Love is nice, and it's necessary, but it can't trump everything else. Love really isn't that unique. You are capable of loving lots of other people. The more important thing is if the relationship works. Yours isn't working.

 

You guys have a lot of problems and y'all are kind of a mess to be honest. Please try not to take that personally. You mentioned going to uni soon and by the looks of it, you're young. And young people make rookie mistakes and do dumb things. We all did it. Again, no offense.

 

But you have both made such poor choices here. You, with moving out all your stuff after a fight, then contacting his ex for - I don't even know - advice? A shoulder to cry on? It was bizarre. Then getting back together with him after he slept with her. I hope you are not making another poor choice by having unprotected sex with him at this time. Your health isn't worth the risk.

 

And him, having sex with someone else (unprotected) immediately after your break/breakup, NOT telling you about it until weeks later during a fight, putting your health at risk, and probably more stuff - but he's not the one posting here.

 

I don't think you can trust him - I do consider what he did to be cheating. If not cheating, then at the very least his actions put the nail in the coffin of your relationship. I also don't think he can trust you - you packed up your **** and left after a difficult time. What can he expect to happen next time things get difficult?

 

We all make mistakes. It's okay. Don't get too attached to relationships that are not working.

[Rym]

Hi! I’ve been desperately trying to deal with this and can’t seem to get past it. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. He recently turned 31, I’m 19, almost 20. We’ve had times we broke up but always went back together. I never once went with anyone else even during the times when we were “broken up” which usually never lasted more than 1 week (even less) then we would meet and discuss about it. We’ve had two major break-ups in our relationship, one last November, and another one this February. The thing is that I never actually consider them as “break-ups” rather let’s take some distance, calm down and then meet and discuss. Although I’ve never went with another guy during these “break-ups” he did sleep with a girl he briefly dated before me (they just went on a few dates but it didn’t work out). That was in November. I met her before. When me and my bf broke up, I even contacted her to meet her because I was in a very bad state, and needed to talk to someone. A few days later I got back with my bf again, then 2 weeks later, in a small argument, he told me he slept with her. I felt so betrayed, since I actually went and talked to her, and that was after they slept together and didn’t tell me a thing. We talked about it, I told him how I felt, and he told me that he felt very emotionally insecure every time we break up that’s why he did and although we weren’t together at the time, it felt like he was cheating.

 

We get in February, we’re in a huge fight and break it off. We talked by Facebook, I proposed that we meet, but he told me he was with Evelyne (one of his exes). I knew they were supposed to meet up weeks before. He even asked me for permission if that was okay just to catch up. So he told me he was with Evelyne, then no answer for the rest of the night until the next morning, where he asks me to meet. A few days later he told me he had unprotected sex with her. I felt devastated. Once again, he told me it felt like cheating, but we weren’t together since we had broken up. We get back together, we become better persons. Then we get in an argument a few weeks later, I distance myself, and we meet up he tells me he wants to break it off, that this is not working. I didn’t want to, I kept saying that we could make it better, and we finally decide to give it another try but in the form of an open relationship. I welcomed the idea, thinking that it will allow me to emotionally detach myself a little bit, and it will allow me to go see new friends and make new acquaintances. In fact, it made me become more distant and he noticed.

 

A week after we started being in an open relationship, he told me he will go out. I didn’t want to go out that night and went at my place. The next day, I noticed his text messages on Facebook were distant and he told me that he hooked up with a girl and that the condom broke (we did discuss that if it happens we have to let each other know). I was devastated once again. I couldn’t believe it. He even told me that it’s not because we can do it, that we have to. And there he did it. We met up where I was honest and I realized that I couldn’t do this anymore. I told him if he wants to go on and continue like this, it would be without me. I was ready to finish it all, because I wasn’t going to continue it like that. We became exclusive again. Everything went perfectly well. But I was curious as to who the girl he slept with was. He just told me that it was a random girl at the club.

 

So one day, I looked through his Facebook messages while he was in the shower and I saw a conversation with a girl named Monika. She doesn’t live in Montreal, she lives in Germany, but I saw a bunch of sexual messages between them, where she even sent him a picture of her in underwear. He started the conversation by saying “Ah Monika why are you so far away” and she answered suggestively. The last message was him saying that he was back together with me. And she said that it was ok and to text him whenever he was “in between relationships”. The date was the same day he told he hooked up with a girl, meaning while we were in the open relationship. I immediately confronted him but he exploded out of anger because he couldn’t believe that I went to look through his messages and that it was complete breach of trust. He told me that I compromised myself for a story that had absolutely no value and that was no longer even relevant and that we decided together to be in an open relationship. Needless to say he broke up with me.

 

A few days later he asked to meet up and we discussed about it. I asked him some questions such as how long they have been talking like that. He told since last November, she messaged him once telling him he looks really handsome on a picture she saw of me and him on her feed, and that she was constantly complimenting him. She was a high school friend and he told me they never had anything before. We got back together. I thought I could get over it. I asked him if I have to worry about it again. He told me no. But the thing is that I can’t stop thinking about her. I think about her all the time. She disgusts me so much. Last week, I was almost not thinking about her anymore, until Saturday he told me that he wrote to her telling her that I actually saw their messages and he told me she said “I don’t know what to say”. I asked him why he told her that he said because he thought it was funny. Then he said Oh you can look if you want, and I accepted. He said he was disappointed that I don’t trust him. I said I did trust him but I still wanted to see. He then said ok, but he had to tell me that she still went on and complimented him telling him he was handsome and all, to which he just replied “haha ok”. Then since we were in a club, he said he’ll show me another time. He never showed me. Of course, how do I bring up “Hey you never showed me the messages, show me” one day or days later?

 

This has got me so obsessed I went to look through their messages again. I saw the date he send her the message about me seeing their messages was on Thursday, which was the day we had a small argument over a small issue. What he said was true, although she said at the end that she’s admitting that she’s not feeling as motivated anymore to come to Montreal now that he’s back in a relationship and wondering if she’ll sleep with her boss in the meantime. This time, I scrolled up and saw that even before we were in an open relationship, while we were on “break” once again, they actually Skyped, after a bunch of sexual innuendos. After Skyping he said that it was the first time, so it was normal it was a bit awkward. I scrolled even up and saw she send pictures of her in gym clothes, and other pictures of her cooking to which he replied “She’s smart, she cooks, she’s pretty, how come you’re still single again?”

 

I just hate them. I hate her, because she’s so disgusting, messaging a guy that’s in a relationship and not stopping. And him. I feel so disgusting as well. I have my future in front of me, I am 19, I am a girl that constantly tries to please him, that wants to spend my entire life with him. I actually am serious about our relationship, I never go sleep around. She’s 30 what does she have? I feel like I am not enough, although I should be. She’s not even as pretty. I don’t know if their relationship was more than just a bunch of sexual messages, or if it was an actual real interest in her. Obviously, she’s so interested in him she can’t keep her hands away. I asked him about her yesterday. I asked once again if I have anything to worry about. He said no. I asked him why he wrote to her again saying that I saw the messages, he just answered he thought it was funny. I told him that it’s not by answering “haha ok” that she’ll ever stop, that’s not how she’ll ever get the message if he doesn’t clearly tell her that he’s not interested. Then I asked him if perhaps he was interested. He told me no and that he didn’t want to delete her since they were still friends. I let it go.

 

But Monika is still everywhere in my mind even when we have sex, I am wondering if he thinks about her. The thing is that he is very sweet, he compliments me all the time, tells me how much he loves me, how he wants to do right by me, be a better bf, how I am his woman, and all, and I believe him. But can’t you not be in love with someone but still show interest in someone else?

 

Guys, I really don’t know what to do. I can’t always go through his messages and check, I will become crazy like that. I can’t always be insecure. I am just thinking of our next argument, will he start writing to her again? Or anyone else? The whole Skype thing disgusts me even more, because they were in direct contact. I am so madly in love with him, but I am turning crazy. I don’t like to always ask him about it because then I just look like a pathetic insecure girlfriend. But that’s what I became. Getting jealous of a 30 year old woman from Germany. But what they said they would do to each other… it’s just always in my mind. I want to get over it. I want him to delete her. Or I want him to tell her to stop message him and to show me. He doesn’t want me to enter in contact with my ex because he was a “douchebag”, but then I don’t want them to ever talk to themselves again. I don’t care if they are friends or not. All I can imagine every time I see him online on Facebook is if he is talking to her, every time he brings his phone with him in the bathroom and closes his computer, all it does is it makes me be suspicious. How do I get over it? What are your suggestions? Do you think I should be firm and tell him that I want him to delete her, or am I just blinding myself?

 

I need help. And I don’t know what to do. Thank you for reading.

[elaine567]

This guy is NOT relationship material.

Please do not waste any more of your youth on him.

He keeps breaking up with you as an excuse to see other women, he suggests an open relationship, he is sexting and texting Monika...

This is not the person you want to spend your life with, it would be an absolute nightmare.

Tell him to take a hike, he doesn't love you, you can't "police" him forever.

[Satu]

Sorry but the positives don't outweigh the negatives in this relationship.

 

The longer you stay with him, the more unhappy you will become.

 

You're not happy, and I don't think you're going to be happy.

 

You're just trying to be happy.

 

Stop kidding yourself that you like the 'open relationship' idea. You don't.

 

You really want to be his 'one and only.'

 

Sorry.

[266696687]

Hi! I’ve been desperately trying to deal with this and can’t seem to get past it. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. He recently turned 31, I’m 19, almost 20. We’ve had times we broke up but always went back together. I never once went with anyone else even during the times when we were “broken up” which usually never lasted more than 1 week (even less) then we would meet and discuss about it. We’ve had two major break-ups in our relationship, one last November, and another one this February. The thing is that I never actually consider them as “break-ups” rather let’s take some distance, calm down and then meet and discuss. Although I’ve never went with another guy during these “break-ups” he did sleep with a girl he briefly dated before me (they just went on a few dates but it didn’t work out). That was in November. I met her before. When me and my bf broke up, I even contacted her to meet her because I was in a very bad state, and needed to talk to someone. A few days later I got back with my bf again, then 2 weeks later, in a small argument, he told me he slept with her. I felt so betrayed, since I actually went and talked to her, and that was after they slept together and didn’t tell me a thing. We talked about it, I told him how I felt, and he told me that he felt very emotionally insecure every time we break up that’s why he did and although we weren’t together at the time, it felt like he was cheating.

 

[]

 

Guys, I really don’t know what to do. I can’t always go through his messages and check, I will become crazy like that. I can’t always be insecure. I am just thinking of our next argument, will he start writing to her again? Or anyone else? The whole Skype thing disgusts me even more, because they were in direct contact. I am so madly in love with him, but I am turning crazy. I don’t like to always ask him about it because then I just look like a pathetic insecure girlfriend. But that’s what I became. Getting jealous of a 30 year old woman from Germany. But what they said they would do to each other… it’s just always in my mind. I want to get over it. I want him to delete her. Or I want him to tell her to stop message him and to show me. He doesn’t want me to enter in contact with my ex because he was a “douchebag”, but then I don’t want them to ever talk to themselves again. I don’t care if they are friends or not. All I can imagine every time I see him online on Facebook is if he is talking to her, every time he brings his phone with him in the bathroom and closes his computer, all it does is it makes me be suspicious. How do I get over it? What are your suggestions? Do you think I should be firm and tell him that I want him to delete her, or am I just blinding myself?

 

I need help. And I don’t know what to do. Thank you for reading.

 

You don't get over IT. You get over him.

 

You seriously need to cut this womanising man out of your life. You are deluding yourself into thinking something will change. It won't. This guy has got you so desperate for him that regardless of what he does you take him back and pine after him. Do you really think so little of yourself?

 

He even managed to talk you into an open relationship.

 

This guy does not love or respect you.

 

He has cheated on you every time you 'breakup'. No doubt he organises the breakups conveniently when he wants to sleep with someone else.

 

You need to cut this guy out of your life and never look back.

 

You are 19 years old and you're dating a 31 year old manipulative man. He is using and abusing your trust, loyalty and respect. Cut him off and out of your life. He will continue to treat you this way for as long as you allow him too.

 

You are an easy target for him. He knows you want him and care about him and he is using that to take whatever he wants from you. Get some self respect and realise you do not deserve to be treated that way. Realise he will not change and get him the hell out of your life.

 

Stop hating her and direct your hate where it should be on the man who is manipulating you.

Edited March 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
shortened full quote ~6

[LD1990]

Oh boy. You should really end this, go no contact, and never look back. This guy has hurt you already and he's going to continue to hurt you. Get yourself tested too. You're almost 20, you really don't need this much stress in your life. This guy is 31 and still trying to feel like a player. He's using you and you're letting him walk all over you. He can talk to and hang out with his exes but forbids you from talking to yours. Every time there's a break he sleeps with another girl either unprotected or the condom breaks. You've broken up several times within the period of a few months. Get out of there. Tell him to never contact you again and then block him on everything. He's not going to change and it's not going to get better.

[Zahara]

I don’t like to always ask him about it because then I just look like a pathetic insecure girlfriend.

 

Unfortunately, he knows you are because you've established yourself as someone who will tolerate a man poking his penis in other women whenever he likes while you bend over backwards to try and appease and cling to him.

 

How do I get over it?

Unfortunately, there is no running away from looking over your shoulder. You'll always be insecure. A relationship is supposed to nurture you. It's not supposed to devalue you.

 

He's patterned to behave this way. Expect that he will do it again because you've taught him it is acceptable behavior.

 

What are your suggestions?

 

At 19, you're throwing your life away. Imagine another year of this. It isn't going to get any better.

 

Leave.

[266696687]

One last thing.

 

You don't try to FORGET what he did. You remember it and never allow someone to treat you that way again. Learn from your mistakes.

[Zahara]

You have two other threads about this guy and the advice has been consistent. This is not good for you but you're back again asking the same question. The answers aren't going to change.

[LovelyJoey]

I'm sorry to say, I know how badly you love him and the indescribable feelings you have when he hurts you. I know it's tough, I know how it feels to want to cling and love someone soo much despite what they've done to you, but you must break it off. He's manipulating you and it's not fair to you. You are soo much better than he his, you're loving and caring and loyal and respectful, find someone who will treat you like a princess and not anything lesser than what you are. Looks impossible, I'm feeling similar things right now, maybe not to your degree and might look silly for what I'm upset about to some people though I'm only 16 almost 17 what do I know I'm horrible at this kind of stuff. But simply the fact hes constantly unreliable, and hurting you, no, you don't deserve it I'm sorry to tell you that but you must break it off with him. It will take time, it takes time, and you must lean on your close family and friends in these times, but one day you'll meet an amazing guy, and forget all about this jerk and what he did I promise. You have to take the hard step and cut that anchor that's been weighing you down, you're too young to waste your life on him. Best of look, and have a great day, stay strong it's what gets us through in these times of life.

[PaperCrane]

Run, do not walk, away.

 

This guy doesn't have an ounce of respect for you, at all.

 

The only silver lining in this scenario is that you've learned how NOT to be treated.

 

All the things you're feeling is normal, but do not let your emotions distract you from the fact that this relationship is dead. Has been dead. And beating this dead horse will not make it twice as dead, just messy.

 

Best of luck.

[Rym]

Hi thank you for your advice! It gives so much more motivation and strength. This morning I was feeling so lost and broken. I would've been able to trust him if only he had never mentioned her again. Like I said I really did stop thinking about it until he told me he messaged her again. Which I think is not only very unnecessary to 1. tell me about it because obviously I don't ever want to hear about her ever again and 2. to write to her. This is what I really don't understand. If I had an affair and was with a guy then I would tell him and be like "Hey so my bf saw our messages" otherwise I wouldn't. And how is it even funny? Maybe it was just a way to start the conversation, talking begin my back how I went like a snitch to look at their private sexual convos.

 

I just think that he should cut contact with her. He told me it was because they were friends, but I think they crossed that line a few months ago already so she isn't his "friend" anymore, because she clearly wants way more than that, even feeling motivated to come to Montreal for him. This makes me just so angry. I jokingly told him he still talks to her because she keeps complimenting him so he's just fishing for compliments, but that doesn't matter. I think he should just cut contact that's it that's all. The same way I cut contact with all of my exes. If one writes me, then I gently put him back to his place reminding him that I have a bf. I just don't have any interest in ever talking to my ex, expect a "Hi how are you" once or twice per year. But he likes to keep them in contact, since they're "friends". Perhaps it's because I am just like that. But maybe he things the other way or he has a real interest in her.. I sometimes am even wondering if I am even happy in that relationship, truth is that I am trying. I feel happy being with him, but everything that happened, and that still maybe does happens, all of it, is making me unhappy, and I just feel so sad and miserable.

 

How should I end it? I think that even bringing up the subject again will make him mad and he will want to break up. If I ask her to delete her, I think he would get upset and angry that I am still and still talking about that although we are supposed to get over it and think about our future. And I do want to think about our future, but in this situation, I don't know. Perhaps I should just let him be. If he gets angry of me bringing up the subject once again, then I should let him be. I just don't know what to say.

 

I just think it is unfair how I am always so careful to try to not to hurt him (which I always do end up doing anyway according to him) and I have to endure his hurtful actions and have to "let it go" easily and always forgive and forget since he always has a reasonable reason to have done what he did. No it is not easy. I just don't know how to get out of it. Once I find how and what to say, then not looking back will be much easier.

[LD1990]

You're thinking about a future with Mr. "Condoms Are So Hard to Use?" Whatever fantasies you've concocted, they're just that. Here's the reality - your future with this guy is him continuing to have sex with other girls at every opportunity until he ends up with an STD, which he'll then pass on to you. Or maybe he'll get one of those girls pregnant. And he'll really feel bad about it because it felt so wrong at the time (just like it did the last how many times? Slow learner apparently) but he had just decided you two needed a break so technically he didn't do anything wrong.

 

Everyone here is telling you this isn't gonna end well. It's already going extremely poorly. Relationships that start out this bad don't suddenly become amazing.

[266696687]

Hi thank you for your advice! It gives so much more motivation and strength. This morning I was feeling so lost and broken. I would've been able to trust him if only he had never mentioned her again. Like I said I really did stop thinking about it until he told me he messaged her again. Which I think is not only very unnecessary to 1. tell me about it because obviously I don't ever want to hear about her ever again and 2. to write to her. This is what I really don't understand. If I had an affair and was with a guy then I would tell him and be like "Hey so my bf saw our messages" otherwise I wouldn't. And how is it even funny? Maybe it was just a way to start the conversation, talking begin my back how I went like a snitch to look at their private sexual convos.

 

I just think that he should cut contact with her. He told me it was because they were friends, but I think they crossed that line a few months ago already so she isn't his "friend" anymore, because she clearly wants way more than that, even feeling motivated to come to Montreal for him. This makes me just so angry. I jokingly told him he still talks to her because she keeps complimenting him so he's just fishing for compliments, but that doesn't matter. I think he should just cut contact that's it that's all. The same way I cut contact with all of my exes. If one writes me, then I gently put him back to his place reminding him that I have a bf. I just don't have any interest in ever talking to my ex, expect a "Hi how are you" once or twice per year. But he likes to keep them in contact, since they're "friends". Perhaps it's because I am just like that. But maybe he things the other way or he has a real interest in her.. I sometimes am even wondering if I am even happy in that relationship, truth is that I am trying. I feel happy being with him, but everything that happened, and that still maybe does happens, all of it, is making me unhappy, and I just feel so sad and miserable.

 

How should I end it? I think that even bringing up the subject again will make him mad and he will want to break up. If I ask her to delete her, I think he would get upset and angry that I am still and still talking about that although we are supposed to get over it and think about our future. And I do want to think about our future, but in this situation, I don't know. Perhaps I should just let him be. If he gets angry of me bringing up the subject once again, then I should let him be. I just don't know what to say.

 

I just think it is unfair how I am always so careful to try to not to hurt him (which I always do end up doing anyway according to him) and I have to endure his hurtful actions and have to "let it go" easily and always forgive and forget since he always has a reasonable reason to have done what he did. No it is not easy. I just don't know how to get out of it. Once I find how and what to say, then not looking back will be much easier.

 

I don't usually condone dumping by text but in this case I think you should just end it by text.

 

Tell him that it's over as he treats you disrespectfully (you don't need to elaborate or go into detail about what he has done or how he has behaved. He is aware of how he treats you) and you will no longer be tolerating it. He had many chances and yet continued to disrespect you and the relationship. Then go complete NC.

 

The reason I'm suggesting dumping by text is purely due to the emotional state you are already in and I feel if you see him in person he may well sweet talk you round and tell you all things you want to hear in order to keep you hanging on to him. He'll simply lie and tell you he won't speak to her anymore or he'll turn it around on you and end up dumping you (so you chase after him) or he may well react badly.

 

You really need to cut him off completely after this. No meeting up with him to discuss things. The relationship is over you are moving on its non negotiable. You simply need to drop off the face of the earth. He might up his game with calling and texting (you should block him on your phone so you don't have to see it) but you shouldn't engage with him at all.

 

You've tried your hardest to make the relationship work. He cheated on you, disrespects you and treats you very badly. There is nothing in the relationship you have that is worth hanging on too. You deserve better.

 

Stop focusing on him and start working on yourself to understand why you have stayed in a relationship that is so toxic where your partner treats you with distain and thinks its funny that you caught him talking to another woman he recently slept with. This shows how little respect he has for you.

[CarrieT]

How should I end it? I think that even bringing up the subject again will make him mad and he will want to break up. If I ask her to delete her, I think he would get upset and angry that I am still and still talking about that although we are supposed to get over it and think about our future. And I do want to think about our future, but in this situation, I don't know. Perhaps I should just let him be. If he gets angry of me bringing up the subject once again, then I should let him be. I just don't know what to say.

 

I just think it is unfair how I am always so careful to try to not to hurt him (which I always do end up doing anyway according to him) and I have to endure his hurtful actions and have to "let it go" easily and always forgive and forget since he always has a reasonable reason to have done what he did. No it is not easy. I just don't know how to get out of it. Once I find how and what to say, then not looking back will be much easier.

You are contradicting yourself. You say you want to end it - and are asking how - while being afraid that he will break up with you if you make him angry?

 

So go ahead and make him angry, have HIM end the relationship, and be done with him already.

[266696687]

You are contradicting yourself. You say you want to end it - and are asking how - while being afraid that he will break up with you if you make him angry?

 

So go ahead and make him angry, have HIM end the relationship, and be done with him already.

 

If he dumps her she'll chase after him (like she has previously). She should end it by text. Block and delete him from her life.

 

He doesn't deserve a face to face conversation or an opportunity to blame her or talk her round.

[Zahara]

he told me he messaged her again. Which I think is not only very unnecessary to 1. tell me about it because obviously I don't ever want to hear about her ever again and 2. to write to her. This is what I really don't understand. If I had an affair and was with a guy then I would tell him and be like "Hey so my bf saw our messages" otherwise I wouldn't. And how is it even funny? Maybe it was just a way to start the conversation, talking begin my back how I went like a snitch to look at their private sexual convos.

 

Maybe he's hoping you'll grow a backbone and end it with him. But he keeps throwing it in your face and you keep wiping it off and going back for more.

 

How should I end it?

 

For a douchebag like him, I would send a text letting him know that the relationship isn't working for you anymore. Then block and suffer your pain till you get to the other side.

 

I just think it is unfair how I am always so careful to try to not to hurt him (which I always do end up doing anyway according to him) and I have to endure his hurtful actions and have to "let it go" easily and always forgive and forget since he always has a reasonable reason to have done what he did. No it is not easy. I just don't know how to get out of it. Once I find how and what to say, then not looking back will be much easier.

 

The difference between you and him is that you care too much not to hurt him and he just doesn't care enough to protect your feelings.

 

End it over a text. Block him and be done. Make sure he has no access to you. You'll be in pain for awhile but you'll get through it.