optomistic_nonsense Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Hi everyone. I don't even know where on earth to begin with this one. I don't want to write a 20 page dissertation so I'll sum this up as best as I can: My husband and I have been together + married now for 6 years. During the duration of our relationship, his brother and his (now wife) have always been...not on the best of terms lets say, with the rest of the family, and unfortunately his wife is awful. Conceited, manipulative, selfish and is just downright a bad egg. She has stripped my BIL from 98% of his friends and family. When my BIL and his wife are separate - tolerable, but the 2 of them together is a tornado of issues. They live about 4 hrs south of me and my husband, and about 6-7 hours south of my mother in law. So my father in law passed away a year ago. Having explained a bit about my BIL/SIL above, shortly before my FIL's passing, my BIL and his wife had a falling out with my father in law and mother in law. This "falling out" began about a year before my FIL passed away. My BIL and his wife would drive 7 hrs up to where our inlaws live, visit the entire family (grandparents, aunts, etc) but NOT his own parents. Why, you ask? That's the kicker - nobody knows. Seriously....no one knows. Even after countless attempts at trying to figure out why, the best answer we got was "you weren't the best of parents", which no one takes seriously. We all seem to think the wifey has something to do with it, but anyway... So they come up to visit, don't visit the parents. Heartbreak tears my mother in law and father in law apart. 10 months later, they do the same thing, and this time they've got a new baby with them....don't visit the parents to introduce them to their new grandson. So after hearing news of this, my husband and I became so infuriated with them, we "put them in their place" so to speak and of course that then crushed whatever remaining relationship we had with them, but we didn't care much at that time. (Side Note: This lack of a visit from my BIL/SIL is only 1 of many, many similar events that have taken place over the past few years. For example, my BIL would send mothers day cards with terrible things written in it, would call on the phone and just spew out profanity, etc). So these 2 events, along with many, many other awful things my BIL/SIL have done to me and my husband personally and other family members, put my mother and father in law into a complete tizzy. My father in law becomes depressed, my mother in law is just beside herself, and after a visit with my father in law he tells us he feels as though he's going to die from the stress of feeling like he lost a son. Less than 2 weeks later, my father in law passed away from a heart attack and stroke. My BIL and his wife come up for the funeral, smooth things over with the family with the "oh my gawd I am so sorry's", etc etc....and then 4-5 months later everything goes back to how it was before, only this time, they make sure they've got my MIL wrapped around every toe and finger they can. They've somehow manipulated her to think that she (my MIL) needs to pick up and move down with them, etc. So....over the Easter break, my MIL went down to visit my BIL/SIL for a few days, she comes back this morning to stay with me and my husband and our 2 boys for a day and is returning home tomorrow morning. All the while, telling me about the new job she got down there, how she'll be living with my BIL/SIL for a while, etc. She applied for jobs where we live as well but didn't have much interest. So basically....I (and my husband) feel like I'll basically never see my MIL again and she probably won't see her grandkids here for a long, long time. She does not like to drive, so getting her to drive 2 hrs here was a big deal, let alone driving 4 hrs or so once she's settled with my BIL/SIL. Just feeling real crappy about all this while at the same time, trying my hardest to be happy for her and make her feel good about her decision. I am the one right now who feels like I am being selfish but I feel like I have no family left really on my husband's side of the family, and that kills me. Just needed to vent. I know others have much bigger issues with their lives but not having much of a family on my husband's side anymore just feels sad.
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 keep in touch with her via skype. And tell her, that if ever she feels unhappy, homesick or she regrets any decision she makes, please to contact you and you'll be down like a shot to bring her home. Then, leave it be. 1
kvolm2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I think most of us can relate to the frustration and disappointment of difficult family relationships. Why can't we just all play nice, right! It sounds like you have a good relationship with your MIL. Do you feel like you could ask her why she feels this move is important or beneficial for her? And to share honestly with her that you will miss her being close to your family? It strikes me that she is probably also still moving through the stages of recovering from her husbands death since it hasn't been that long ago. And it is not uncommon for widows to do drastic things without thinking them all the way through. Kind of like a "mid life crisis" in response to trying to figure out what this new stage of their life will be like. So if that's the case she might need your help in processing all the pros and cons of a major life change like this.
amaysngrace Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 That's pretty crappy that they killed your FIL but I guess your MIL doesn't see it that way. Hopefully they won't kill her too.
bathtub-row Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 My guess is, they're after whatever money they thinks she has. Your MIL sounds very naive, unfortunately, and it wouldn't surprise me if they have something up their sleeve. Keep tabs on her. If she suddenly changes her will, or dies, I would be very suspicious. I know it sounds bizarre but this kind of thing happens more often than people think. It's obvious they didn't give a fig about either of them while the dad was alive. Now they can isolate her. Given how they've acted in the past, I'd ask MIL why she is so quick to overlook their past behavior, and take such drastic action as uprooting her life.
SammySammy Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Somebody has to step up and be a peacemaker. I have two brothers, both married. One SIL is a terror. Doesn't get along with anybody especially the other SIL. I'm the oldest. My brothers and I are going to be brothers until all of us are dead. No matter what. So, I make sure that we do whatever it takes to keep the bonds strong and lines of communication open. I feel that's my responsibility. Your husband and his brother need to take care of that situation. Can't let wives rip your family apart because of petty differences. Sometimes family is all we have. Maybe your husband and his brother can meet for dinner. Take a trip together. Something. Anything. Talk and work this out for their sakes and their mother's sake. Find a way to make this better for everyone. 1
Carpe Diem Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I agree with the above poster, that this is likely about money. My advice is the opposite of many on here though. There's nothing to "reconcile", just get out with your life and sanity. I've seen these family situations many times. A good friend has a similar situation with one of her sister's, inlaws. Everything from the nutty manipulative mother in law, to the nasty phone calls and letters, to the outright lies and word twisting....... Etc. etc. the sad thing is, I've been friends with this woman for several decades and NOTHING has changed in 20 years. Every time I talk to her and ask how it's going it's just all variations on the same disfunctional theme. TWENTY YEARS! One of the single biggest mind sets which helps to live a happy life, is simply to "live your life and let other people live theirs." We are not responsible for other people's decisions, good or bad; just our own. Extricate your husband, yourself and your kids from this situation. Live a life free of drama. Your husband is not his brothers keeper. The brother is a driving force behind these machinations, not just an innocent bystander to his wife's instability. Your mother in law has made her bed. She was mistreated, ignored, sent Mother's Day cards filled with invectives and nastiness (this in itself is low-life cray cray ****) and screamed at over the phone. She has sadly made her choice. No possible inheritance is worth the headache of years of drama. What's going to happen when your brother in law asked his mother to co-sign a loan, or buy a portion of his house, or lend money for a vacation? How about when she moves, loses everything then is cut lose. No one forces us to live a life of constant drama. Some people can't live without it because it's all they know, or actually thrive on the year after tedious year, of this and that situation. If this is not a future you want. Just stop! Your husband can wish his mother well, tell her she's always welcome to visit (drama free of course), and let go of everything else. Resist every urge to get drawn back in. Good luck. 1
Author optomistic_nonsense Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 What wonderful responses, thank you all!!! The last post really hit home.... it was as though my husband wrote it himself.
BettyDraper Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 I agree with the above poster, that this is likely about money. My advice is the opposite of many on here though. There's nothing to "reconcile", just get out with your life and sanity. I've seen these family situations many times. A good friend has a similar situation with one of her sister's, inlaws. Everything from the nutty manipulative mother in law, to the nasty phone calls and letters, to the outright lies and word twisting....... Etc. etc. the sad thing is, I've been friends with this woman for several decades and NOTHING has changed in 20 years. Every time I talk to her and ask how it's going it's just all variations on the same disfunctional theme. TWENTY YEARS! One of the single biggest mind sets which helps to live a happy life, is simply to "live your life and let other people live theirs." We are not responsible for other people's decisions, good or bad; just our own. Extricate your husband, yourself and your kids from this situation. Live a life free of drama. Your husband is not his brothers keeper. The brother is a driving force behind these machinations, not just an innocent bystander to his wife's instability. Your mother in law has made her bed. She was mistreated, ignored, sent Mother's Day cards filled with invectives and nastiness (this in itself is low-life cray cray ****) and screamed at over the phone. She has sadly made her choice. No possible inheritance is worth the headache of years of drama. What's going to happen when your brother in law asked his mother to co-sign a loan, or buy a portion of his house, or lend money for a vacation? How about when she moves, loses everything then is cut lose. No one forces us to live a life of constant drama. Some people can't live without it because it's all they know, or actually thrive on the year after tedious year, of this and that situation. If this is not a future you want. Just stop! Your husband can wish his mother well, tell her she's always welcome to visit (drama free of course), and let go of everything else. Resist every urge to get drawn back in. Good luck. Love this post and the bolded parts are very true. What strikes me the most about this situation is the OP and her husband are taking too much responsibility for family relationships which have nothing to do with them. Since the reason for the BIL staying away from in-laws is unknown, it's best not to make assumptions or get involved in a situation which isn't fully understood. There could be something that the MIL did to her son and her DIL that is keeping them away. My BIL and his wife have had difficulties with my MIL. There have been loud fights and angry scenes while my husband and I visited. My BIL is a very volatile person and he is prone to throwing tantrums for the smallest things; I've seen him tear a strip out of his wife for no good reason. When my husband and I have witnessed the turmoil in his family, we do not say a word unless we are asked for our opinion. I have comforted my MIL while she cried as I genuinely felt sorry for the woman and I've done the same for my SIL. I certainly appreciate how hard it is to watch loved ones suffer because of the actions of others. We become protective of our parents as they age because they are more fragile at that point in their life. However, this is not your monkeys and not your circus. 1
Emilia Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 I'm for staying out of it as well. I no longer speak to my mother and I have my reasons. My sister chose to throw me out of her place and stop talking to me, her decision. I have no idea what they tell anyone else if they ever mention me to anyone. I however don't discuss them except for posting here. So really, no-one in real life in the family knows my side of the story and I have absolutely no desire to change that. Not going to go through mud slinging, washing dirty linen in public, get all worked up. As far as I'm concerned it's no-one else's business. I offered to talk to my sister but she declined and that was the last conversation we had. No-one on the outside would be able to start and understand the full story.
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