Dlauser Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 (edited) First of all - I can't believe things have gotten to this point where I'm posting online and I'm feeling quite down and don't know what else to do at the moment, so here it goes.... Basically I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for around a year. Things started off great but slowly (past few months) I have noticed argument's have been getting a lot more common. And the relationship is becoming a lot more hostile She even said recently we should live together and have a baby. The baby is an outright no and I'm hesitant about living with her... We've been together 8 months. First up, she has a child. When first meeting up she didn't tell me about this til around 3 dates later. I picked her up on it (baby photos were all over Facebook) and she apologised. I was understandably pissed but understood and after some long hard consideration accepted her and the child, and understood the consequences of this and that they are a package. Two months in I met the child and while obviously shy we got along fine. I over the course of the relationship have gotten to know him great and we spend every weekend pretty much together. I go above and beyond and while I think little of it, my family have commented how I've been great with him and made an effort to engage with him and build a relationship. Then the stories about the dad of the child came up about 4 months ago. I work in a school in the UK (secondary school - or High school) and he was a former pupil. As soon as his name was mentioned he was known and heads turned. He's been arrested for drug possession and is generally a low life from what I have heard and in the local area his family are pretty well known. It made me question why all of a sudden. To make matters worse he has suddenly turned up and wants weekly visits (he's managed monthly 30 minute visits so far). He has a right I admit that even if he is a low life and that isn't my argument. My argument is that he has suddenly turned and it doesn't add up. Her mother (she lives with her parents) let's him in when he just turns up despite him beating her. Which also is plain odd. Another issue is she seems to have absolutely no self confidence what so ****ing ever. She seeks validation constantly by telling me how ugly she is in the hope I'll say "no you're not." Don't get me wrong, I did this to make her feel better and of course compliment her but it's waring thin to the point I change the subject or just flat out ignore her. She calls people out to be ugly in the street and whispers it and accuses me of starting and will blatantly just cover my eyes. I've told her it's not ****ing on and she puts it down to the fact I was clearly looking. BEARING in mind this is 3 MONTHS into the relationship. Which brings me on to her snooping which has gotten worse as of late. She seems to think it's acceptable that when she stops over and I'm in the shower it's fine to look through my phone. I know this because I've left apps open and seen them closed and had my history cleared. The final straw was when I sneaked in the room and barged the door open to find it there in her hand with her looking through it. I immediately confronted her and she begged and admitted to snooping. I was beyond pissed but I forgave her and she promised to never do it again. Guess what? Yep, she f... did... And each time promised not to again...and again. All things which are chipping away at me and eating me up. Two weeks ago... She then throws her phone at the wall demanding I show her my recent Facebook searches which she claims is full of random girls. I bluntly tell her NO and the anger fires up that I must have something to hide (manipulative behaviour). She stays up at night demanding the next morning to show her my Facebook chats because I've been chatting to girls (apparently) which is crap. As I'm active apparently on Messenger. If I'm online and talking to a friend and she's sees I'm active and I don't reply. Then I don't care about her or her son. Bearing in mind the longest it's taken is 20 mins for her to get a response back. She didn't get a response in 20 minute's and phoned my mum who told her I was in the shower when she demanded to know what was going on. These two events happens today. When breasts are on TV she covers my eyes or any nudity and even after having a long conversation with her about how it pisses me off she laughs it off or dismisses it. She demanded my Facebook password and that I don't like any of my female friends photographs because she wouldn't do it to me. When it's her birthday and Christmas she writes me a ****ing list 3 pages long. I (like an idiot) tried to please her as it was reasonably early on. While she tried to buy me gifts back too on the same scale looking back it was just ridiculous. I earn more than her but she does have a reasonable amount of disposable income (her financial management is zero by the way). She spends it on make up and tries to guilt trip me into buying her more. Meals out while in fairness she pays and treats me 60-75% of the time it's on me. While she is caring and offers me things too I don't get the whole asking for things. It seems pushy and I've told her this. Numerous times. In the last three months it's like we're not the same (worse) and going down a slippery slope and to be honest i think it's all weighing me down and I'm just starting to have enough. As said, She has started secretly searching through my phone when she is stopping over at mine. I even let the kid stop numerous times because I've been totally accepting and caring. She is always asking me who is messaging me and demanding I show her "if I've nothing to hide" and worst of all she has started following me places (a friend can back this up). I have never ever given her an inclination I might cheat and nor would I ever do such a thing to someone I am committed to. I just feel like there's absolutely no trust at all. She claims its because the ex slept with women on nights out but while I comfort her there is only so much I can do... It's a shame she is caring but controlling.. Which brings me to my next point... Saturday I was on a night out with workmates. At a restraunt and some bars. Mixture of men and women. I told her a few weeks prior that i was going and immediately she burst out into tears and told me I was going to cheat. She grabbed me and squeezed my arm and told me I couldn't go. My response was along the lines of I don't appreciate not being trusted so if that's the case we clearly dont have a future and as always I comforted her. She promised shed change but around every day until now she's been at me for starring at women, asking more often who's messaging, asking why I'm ignoring her because Facebook says I'm online when I'm not I'm fast asleep. She told me again I couldn't go because I'd be staring at the girls breasts and that I shouldn't be talking to them at work. She also demanded to know why I was invited out. I've never acted like this to her once. And always trusted her. I've been losing my temper with her a lot recently and I'm just going to blow. On the night out Saturday she messaged me 152 times! And because i only responsed when i could (mixture of socialising and having no service on my phone) she claimed I didn't care about her at all. The messages sent were abusive and at 2 minute intervals. Demanding to know constantly where I was and who I was with and if I'm cheating. I feel like everything I do for her son too is thrown back in my face repeatedly because of the way she acts. Like I shouldn't have a life and can't be trusted. This morning she demanded names of girls who went so she could look them up on Facebook. She then told me she should not be in competion with them (what the hell). When we first got together I thought she was great but clearly this is just getting to the point where its controlling and I refuse to be controlled by anynody but I do still love her and will worry about her. But am feeling like I'm just about ready to end this. Her child is slowly getting worse too for behaviour and coupled with how she is acting Im just starting to feel like I don't want it anymore. And that I would like to build a life with someone that appreciates me and someone who I can build a life with. I worry I won't find someone else because I'm in a new town with a new job. Not only that I'm seriously sorry about her because I've had so many great times with her too. She just acts like this and its driving me away. Shes talking about living together. Im starting to feel miserable and starting to often think I want out. What should I do? Thanks. The short of it = Girlfriends behaviour is changing for the worst and I don't know whether I should end it. She's becoming manipulative. Edited March 30, 2016 by Dlauser
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I'm going to give you the same advice I gave another poster involved in a toxic and dysfunctional relationship: Walk. Away. No if, no but, no why no what if.... Just stop this now, in its tracks, immediately. Leave. 7
Author Dlauser Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 I'm going to give you the same advice I gave another poster involved in a toxic and dysfunctional relationship: Walk. Away. No if, no but, no why no what if.... Just stop this now, in its tracks, immediately. Leave. Thank you. I'm also of the mindset there's probably no saving it. 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 You can't save anything on your own. 1) She has to be 100% co-operative and as committed to it as you. I very much doubt she ever would be. 2) What is there to save? 1
hippychick3 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I agree with Tara. This is extremely toxic and unhealthy. It's only going to get worse. I don't know how you've put up with this behavior for as long as you have. You need to leave. 1
Author Dlauser Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 You can't save anything on your own. 1) She has to be 100% co-operative and as committed to it as you. I very much doubt she ever would be. 2) What is there to save? I have to agree. I'm guess I'm deluded in thinking that she's no nice that she couldn't ever be manipulative. I'm seeing her for what she is. 1
hippychick3 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I have to agree. I'm guess I'm deluded in thinking that she's no nice that she couldn't ever be manipulative. I'm seeing her for what she is. You can't have a relationship without trust. She does NOT trust you and it seems there is nothing you can possibly do to change that.
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 You can't have a relationship without trust. She does NOT trust you and it seems there is nothing you can possibly do to change that. It's not so much a lack of trust. She's obsessive and controlling. I think it's moved w-a-a-a-a-a-y beyond 'trust'. It think she is manipulative and frankly, I worry about the welfare of her child in such an environment. That i going to be one crazy, screwy, mixed-up kid.... Sadly, it's not the OP's problem. The OP's immediate concern is extricating himself safely - and permanently - from this dreadful scenario....
hippychick3 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 It's not so much a lack of trust. She's obsessive and controlling. I think it's moved w-a-a-a-a-a-y beyond 'trust'. It think she is manipulative and frankly, I worry about the welfare of her child in such an environment. That i going to be one crazy, screwy, mixed-up kid.... Sadly, it's not the OP's problem. The OP's immediate concern is extricating himself safely - and permanently - from this dreadful scenario.... Oh I totally agree.
Boomerangmagnet Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 She is showing this behavior at 8 months. The only way to stay in this relationship for you is to placate her in whatever whim she may have. You will lose your self in the process and will never be the same person. Don't be like me and try to fix someone that is irretrievably broken. 24 years in my relationship, I'm 6 years out and still a broken man. 1
truth_seeker Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Your girlfriend needs to drop you for a therapist.
Zahara Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I worry I won't find someone else because I'm in a new town with a new job. Not only that I'm seriously sorry about her because I've had so many great times with her too. She just acts like this and its driving me away. Shes talking about living together. Im starting to feel miserable and starting to often think I want out. What should I do? Thanks. Goodness! I would rather be alone along with my emotional and mental peace and sanity in tow rather than spending my years miserable with drama and dysfunction. It's a new town and a new job -- you're not living on Mars. Go out and make friends. Join meetups. Get on a dating site. Find local activities or hobby groups in your area. Hang out with your co-workers more. Put finding someone aside. Enjoy your life for now. Are you telling me the alternative to being uncomfortable in new surroundings is staying in a miserable situation? End it. This is just the beginning of what's to come. If 8 months has caused you this much turmoil, imagine another year or this. Imagine having a child with her. Imagine being married to this for the next 5 years. She's riddled with emotional and mental instability. Save yourself and move on. 3
AMJ Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 All of this is just crazy. Her behavior and insecurity is really, really bad. I don't understand why you've stayed with her? I agree she has a lot of things she needs to work on before she can be a good partner.
Author Dlauser Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 Goodness! I would rather be alone along with my emotional and mental peace and sanity in tow rather than spending my years miserable with drama and dysfunction. It's a new town and a new job -- you're not living on Mars. Go out and make friends. Join meetups. Get on a dating site. Find local activities or hobby groups in your area. Hang out with your co-workers more. Put finding someone aside. Enjoy your life for now. Are you telling me the alternative to being uncomfortable in new surroundings is staying in a miserable situation? End it. This is just the beginning of what's to come. If 8 months has caused you this much turmoil, imagine another year or this. Imagine having a child with her. Imagine being married to this for the next 5 years. She's riddled with emotional and mental instability. Save yourself and move on. Thank you. I guess I just thought I was deluded for thinking all this was her being manipulative but now I see other wise. I am off to see friends tomorrow so I'm not totally isolated. Far from it but I just remember the good times. I know what I need to do.
Miss Peach Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I have an ex who sounds similar minus the child. It never got better no matter what I did. I agree with the others. I would end this now before you get into this and farther.
Zahara Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 (edited) Thank you. I guess I just thought I was deluded for thinking all this was her being manipulative but now I see other wise. I am off to see friends tomorrow so I'm not totally isolated. Far from it but I just remember the good times. I know what I need to do. If she's being manipulative, that's coming from dysfunction. She's prone to be manipulative whenever she wants her way. This is how she is wired. She's highly insecure. That's always going to be there because this is how she is wired. This isn't just a one time thing and come tomorrow she's going to be a completely different person. Good times lost in a lot of drama and misery isn't worth it. Move on from this. Good luck to you. Edited March 30, 2016 by Zahara
SpiralOut Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Feel grateful that's not your kid, and walk away from her. Nothing you say or do can change her. 1
Author Dlauser Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 If she's being manipulative, that's coming from dysfunction. She's prone to be manipulative whenever she wants her way. This is how she is wired. She's highly insecure. That's always going to be there because this is how she is wired. This isn't just a one time thing and come tomorrow she's going to be a completely different person. Good times lost in a lot of drama and misery isn't worth it. Move on from this. Good luck to you. Thanks again. She was never like this when I met her. She currently is crying and is begging for forgiveness for the whole thing where she demanded my messages be shown etc. She says I torment her but it is her and I've explained this. When we met we had a lot in common and were great but as you say it's drama in with it all. She can be really nice but at the same time makes comments and passes them occasionally as jokes. I felt bad at first and maybe thought I was unreasonable, especially when I was talking to a friend and didn't reply to her and she made me think maybe I should have prioritised her but it was 20 minutes and obviously total crap. Even to the point of saying I mean nothing to her for not replying. And even her snide remarks about me looking at waitress's. They get to me and mount up.
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Dlauser you've done your bit. It's run its course. Just leave now, ok? 1
Zahara Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Thanks again. She was never like this when I met her. That's because people are always on their best behavior in the beginning of the courtship. Do you think she was dumb enough to give you insight into her true nature at the start? It would have sent you running. She currently is crying and is begging for forgiveness for the whole thing where she demanded my messages be shown etc. She says I torment her but it is her and I've explained this. When we met we had a lot in common and were great but as you say it's drama in with it all. Again, when you first meet, you're looking at each other through rose colored glasses. Familiarity then sets in. Eight months later, this is who she is. Crying and begging for forgiveness is part of the manipulation to rope you back in. You need to cut the cord and move on. Stay NC and block her from contacting you. She is likely the kind that will manipulate you into caving.
blackcat777 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I wouldn't say her behavior is changing... I'd say the real her is beginning to leak through the magical veneer of best behavior during dating... and what's to come in the future might even be worse. This girl has some deeply rooted insecurity, trust, and control issues... none of which spell a happy ending for you. 2
smackie9 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I have been in an abusive relationship and it never gets better it gets way worse. I know the pattern...abusiveness, later followed by apology after apology, then the promise to change/never do it again....then the cycle starts all over with abusiveness, ....etc. You definitely don't want her to trap you into her getting pregnant. Run forest run!!! 1
MidwestUSA Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Get out now. I can see her trapping you with a pregnancy; she sounds that crazy.
darkbloom Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I stopped at the Facebook part. Social media is going to be the death of all relationships. Also, RUN, don't walk, for you life. I didn't pick up on any positive experiences that outweigh her bat-sh-t crazy tendencies. 2
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