Broke up about a month, found out I'm pregnant, and Ex already dating

[nubon]

Well...Unfortunately it is like the topic says. I started dating this guy late September of last year with an intention of mine of not being serious. I did tell him right from the start, as I rarely open my heart to any guys. However, he insisted that he wanted to be serious in term of dating toward marriage because of our age (I'm 32, he's 30) and his desire to have a family.

 

I have been vigilant as I believe this might not work. After about a month, he said he loves me. That scare the s**t out of me. But he wore me down and I said the L word to him in late November. I had opened myself to him, willing to leave a comfortable life that I would have back in my country, and permanently stay after I am finish with my PhD (this may) here in the US.

 

However, things turned south since December (ironically, after I completely opened myself). As he lost his job offer and has no way to pay his bills, I started to loan him a bit of money which turned into a lot of money. He was getting short with me. Always physically aggressive, though never hit me. It was really emotionally abusive for me. So, I finally asked for a break up and it was official a week after Valentine's.

 

About 3 days after that I found out I am pregnant. I was on a pill (first time in my life using birth control pills) and he has never use condom, as he could not perform well with it (sorry TMI). I messed up about 3 pills that month which I think resulted into this messy situation.

 

I told him about the pregnancy and how I messed the pill up. Right of the bat, he said I am purposefully getting pregnant. At first, I want an abortion. He said he will support whatever I decide. But in the end, I couldn't bring myself to do that. I changed my mind. I want to keep the baby. I told him I am not going to ask anything from him as I am financially stable. I don't need him nor his support in any kinds. However, (after he flipped out that I am not going to abort the baby) he told me that he cannot emotionally accept that there will be his child out there and he will not be a part of its life. So, he wants to be involve with the child, but don't want anything to do with me. That is fine by me.

 

That being said, he went on a date with a 24 years old girl. Chatting with each other for 2 weeks and moved her into his apartment after the second date....This all happened within just about a month and a half after we broke up and expecting the baby. Since he claimed that he wants to be involve, never once contacted me.

 

Then suddenly called me out of the blue, asking me to let him call me for chitchatting, go to doctor appointment, hanging out, and having meals together. So that we can create a good healthy professional relationship for the baby. Asking me to take his side and turn against my parents and friends who against him getting involve with the baby. And, yes the new girl who he claims is not his new girlfriend is still living with him. Though he lied about his new live-in girlfriend at first (saying that he wouldn't do something like that to hurt me and if he is going to move someone in it should be me, not some stranger), I caught him red handed.

 

From my point of view, what he asked of me is just ridiculous! There's no need for chitchatting or hanging out. Everything should be strictly about the baby and the baby only. What he did regarding about the "not" new girlfriend is just so inappropriate and irrational. I could just run away to some other countries, but I just got an offered for a post doctoral position. I don't want share custody, I don't want child support (he couldn't even pay back the 5G he borrowed me), and I don't want him in our lives.

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, you cannot 100% control this. He has rights as the child's father whether you like it or not. The legal system in the U.S. supports that. That doesn't mean you have to rely on him financially, but he will have rights to see his child. That's a decision you tacitly made when you decided to keep the baby. The child has a right to know his/her father, too.

 

Having said that, I agree that you two don't need to be communicating outside of the discussion about the baby. He sounds like a tool, who uses people for his financial gain. Keep all contact to a minimum, and related only to the baby.

[LydianWells]

Nubon,

First, I admire you for your courage to keep the baby, plus it’s good to see you are stable financial wise and have a family for support. That being said, surely you have gone through plenty of emotional pain and sorrow during this time. School pressures, messy break-ups in addition to hormonal changes can mix up to be quite a wounding brew. I’m hoping you take the time to resource, refresh and do some self-nurturing aside from the stress. Since you are an advanced student, you must know how important it is to read and investigate topics. Here’s a link that can provide you some steps and encouragement for being a single mom: SINGLE MOM There are so many support groups available for you, always reach out for help like you did by writing here.

 

Your decision to break up and have the baby shows that you value life in a positive way, which seems opposite of your ex who is not sure about anything right now. When partners do not same values or sanctity for life, it does not make sense to continue. However, since he is the father, he should be an active part of the child’s life if he chooses. Parental and relationship navigations take skill. Know that you control the boundaries regarding yourself and the baby. Here is another excellent resource: “Boundaries” which you can review by clicking on the title. This book helped me resolve many issues in relationships, by giving me steps to creating healthy ones.

 

My compliments on almost finishing your Ph.D., as well as the offer for the post-doctoral position. Your future looks bright and you have all it takes to move forward! May you and your baby be blessed in this life journey. I’ll keep you in my prayers and thoughts. --Lydian

Edited April 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tressugar]

If you really don't want him being a part of the child's life see if he would sign over his parental rights. By doing this he will never be a part of your and his child's life.