Having doubts

[Reve6]

Hi guys.

 

So I'll give a little background first. I will probably write some pretty bad and borderline cringy stuff, and I will go off track, but I've gotta be honest here and it's like a madhouse in my head so...sorry, I guess.

 

I'm 24, been together with my current girlfriend for a little over a year. We have met online although we kinda knew each other from the past. She is my second serious girlfriend and third girl I have slept with, although I have dated other girls.

 

I think she's hands down the best girl I have ever been with. She loves me so much, she treats me like a king and I feel so guilty for even posting here about this. But as time passes I find her less and less attractive, and my emotional connection to her seems to wane.

 

Sex has been...less and less exciting. We try new things, it's just that I don't really feel that urge. It was never too strong with her, but I do love her so I ignored it. With my ex, I couldn't help myself. I always wanted to have her and touch her. I don't really even feel the urge to hug or kiss my girlfriend anymore.

 

When I walk outside and see a girl I find really attractive, I kind of get depressed for some reason. A combination of "what if", "I can't even try", "I'll never see her again", and so on. I don't really think it's a commitment thing as I have never had that with my ex. I also don't think it's an ex thing, we broke up for a reason, I'm just comparing the way I felt back then to how I feel right now. Sort of to remind myself that it is possible for me to feel differently. I ramble.

 

She really is great to me and I know that's a hard thing to come by. I do love her, and sometimes when we cuddle I do feel a little spark again but I'm not sure it's all what I want it to be. I'm not even sure if that spark is just a "this is nice" type of feeling, as oppose to the "this is nice because it's her". But maybe I'm just reading too much into it at this point.

 

Something else to consider is that I really want to live and maybe study abroad. She studies here and is very opposed to moving, which is something I feel I HAVE to do at some point, and (again, feeling extremely guilty and ashamed for saying this) she's not enough to convince me otherwise.

 

So yeah it's kind of a mess. I don't want to feel this way but I do and it's not getting better. I love her, we're best friends, but maybe that's all it is? I don't know. In my head it's more than that but all signs point the other way. I feel so bad about this I want to pull my hair out. I know what I'll have to do if I keep having these feeling but I don't want it to end.

 

I'm sorry for rambling. This post is a mess. I just had to get this stuff out of my head. I don't even know what kind of responses I'm expecting. Thanks for taking the time to read.

[TaraMaiden2]

Break up.

You have no other option.

I think, actually, if you're honest, you already know precisely that this is what you need to do.

You just don't want to hurt her.

 

Well, sadly, no break-up is ever smooth.

But you just don't feel it.

And continuing this way is just going to mess with your feelings even more.

 

To continue to mislead her this way is unfair and dishonest, on BOTH of you.

 

I think you know exactly what you want to do.

So, you're just going to have to come out with it bluntly, and then elaborate.

There is no easy kind way of doing this, but be gentle.

Own it, but do it.

[LD1990]

I've been on the other end of the "significant other wants to study abroad" conversation, and one thing it taught me is that for a relationship to work, both parties need to either want similar things in life, or compromise to find a solution that works for both of them. If you have your heart set on studying abroad and you know for a fact she won't want to move, then it sounds like this is going to end sooner or later.

 

It seems like you've never been that attracted to her, and that the reason you're with her is because of how good she treats you and how well you both get along. It's probably best to end it. You weren't that attracted to her at the beginning, and over only a year you've gotten less and less attracted to her. As hard as it is, you know where this is headed.

[Steven1]

Think I have to agree about breaking up. Sadly if there's no real connection them from you towards her, even if you love her, if the physical attraction is no longer there for you, in time that will probably put a huge strain on your relationship.

 

I think you have quite a few things going on in your head and you may not directly link it, but you wanting to travel and study elsewhere in the world is probably pushing yourself away from this relationship, as it will become long distance and that may be something that neither of you want.

 

May be best now to try and part on good terms.

[ShannonM10]

Im torn, I agree with what the other posters have mentioned, if the "spark" is gone then I would say you need to reignite it. By sitting there and hoping its going to come back but not actively doing anything about it, the relationship is destined to fail. BUT, if its solely the physical attraction, that may be a deal breaker. If you never want to have sex with her, then that's a pretty good indicator that you aren't attracted to her.

 

 

As mentioned though, relationships require work, especially long term ones. If you are not willing to put in the effort to reignite the passion because you just aren't attracted to her anymore, plus the fact that you want different things, better to end it now then drag it out for several more years and blind side her. I also feel like maybe talking to her about your doubts would help. Communication is key! I cant stress that enough, I was completely blind sided...no communication about doubts or anything, and it hurt like hell. Do NOT be that person, tell her how you are feeling, work through those doubts or cut her loose to find another guy that wants to be with her for the long haul.

[mightycpa]

My friend, at your age, you should want to bang the living daylights out of every girl you're dating every time you see them. Not just one of them, but all of them. No matter how they treat you. Every stinkin' day. Even if you happen to run into them while you're looking for a new one to add to the mix.

 

If you don't, you're wasting your time and theirs. Your life can be just as I've just described, if you have the stones to go make it that way. It's pretty much that simple.

 

So do your part, and help this girl go have that kind of life with somebody else if she can't have it with you.

Edited March 31, 2016 by mightycpa