Boyfriend broke up with me because of his depression but we still love each other.

[meowzers26]

So to give some background information I'll start off with how we met. We had met each other at a mutual friends party a couple of years back. At the time I was in a toxic relationship and wasn't seeking a new relationship. My current ex boyfriend introduced himself by complimenting my hair and we talked a little here and there while at the party. He was super funny and outgoing. Throughout the night he followed me around and at the time I thought it was cute but my mind wasn't there. A mutual friend of ours was telling me "***** is so in love with you", "he's such a great guy" and so on. So my current ex boyfriend and I exchanged social media accounts that night and the next day he sent me a video of himself saying "he really enjoyed meeting me and would love to take me out some time". In the end we didn't hang out right away because I was still in a relationship with my previous ex.

 

About a year ago, I had ended my toxic relationship and out of nowhere I guess "perfect timing" you would say my current ex boyfriend texted me wanting to know if I would like to go out to dinner sometime and I seized the opportunity. We dated for 10 months or so and just recently it broke off. Now I know it may sound crazy but even though 10 months is not a long time..this is the most healthy, genuine, loving relationship I've ever been in. I have never felt so loved and have never loved someone so much.

 

This guy treated me with the most respect and we never had any serious arguments which I also know sounds crazy because 10 months is a long time to not have any. We always let each other know how much we appreciated, cared and loved one another. Our families are very similar and we love each others friends. Neither of us have anything bad to say about one another and still don't.

 

So, I would say 4 months into the relationship he mentions he suffers from depression and we never really discussed it after because he never really brought it up and I didn't want to bring it up and make him feel uncomfortable which I kind of regret now because maybe we wouldn't have broke up..but yeah. I also have suffered from mild depression while I was in my previous toxic relationship so I understand depression. Also, it runs in my family as well so I have a decent amount of knowledge and know how to be there for someone who is suffering. I honestly don't know the extent of his depression but I do know it exists.

 

Basically, everything was perfect and just a couple of nights before he had said he loved me so much, he loves spending time with me, and even said "if we were to ever get married" which really made me feel extra secure in our relationship if not already feeling extremely secure. We connect not only emotionally, musically, personally, and sexually. I have never experienced such intimate sex and neither has he..we lose ourselves completely with our love. I always told myself and still tell myself "this is what love truly is and this is what love should be". So much of us are brainwashed by the media to think its "painful" (which I agree to some extent) but should not toxic. Ours was far from it. But getting back to where he said all those things, he then a couple of days later called me up and asked to see me (he was already outside of my house). When I approached him, he was very watery-eyed and struggled getting his words out, he was crying but holding back from sobbing. He told me that he's been suffering from depression for a while, since a young age and that he thinks its best if we're friends. I kept myself together because unlike a younger version of myself I learned to not take anything personally. I let him know that I understand, hugged him and told him I love him. While we were talking (which was maybe only 10 minutes) we somehow were holding hands. I had to keep myself from crying because I didn't want to make him feel guilty for his decision. It hurt so bad knowing how much we love each other and nothing in the relationship went wrong it was more so based on his mental health. He said he wants to focus on himself and I completely agree but I can't help but be sad because I'm going to miss him. Not only was our relationship romantic but there was a huge friendship that developed as well.

I truly saw and still see a future with him and I could only hope that he gets better so possibly in the future we can pick up where we left off. I wanted to ask if we could stay together and I could help him because I really want to but I know support only helps so much and its more so based on dealing with himself and learning to love himself.

 

If anyone out there can offer advice it would be greatly appreciated. I just want to know others opinions. Like, maybe he'll change his mind and I could help him and be there? Will the fact that he ended it with me (a majority of the time we were always together) further him into depression? If he doesn't come back anytime soon, can he possibly come back in the future? I want to wait for him. Any tips for dealing with this in the mean time? It's just a whole different type of pain because unlike toxic relationships ending this one was pure love and losing something so pure is much harder than losing something toxic. For those who can relate on a spiritual level, I feel like he is my soulmate and I can't help but want to wait for him or be with him along his self journey. He was my definition of perfect and the thought of being with someone else is unheard of (I know I sound cliche but seriously.)

Thanks!

[kztar]

You believe that?.

 

Sweety, if he truly loves you he wouldn't just want to be your friend.

 

From personal experience my ex had told me the same exact thing and we went on a break for like a day. I do acknowledge that he had suffered from severe depression in the past. He said I always go through this alone and BLA BLA BLA. Looks like his so called "depression" was him being unhappy with me and NOT SPEAKING UP. Thins were "perfect" and all suddenly he was depressed. Turns out his "depression" turned worst and worst everyday. Until we broke up and a month later he was having the TIME of his life.

 

Yeah don't let that fool you.

[meowzers26]

Yes, I do believe that. Not only is he distancing himself from me but also his friends and family as well. So it isn't anything personal. People suffering depression will block others out because they don't want to hurt them in the process. I am aware of where him and I stand. I've never questioned his love for me. I am just struggling with coping.

 

I am sorry you went through what you did, but our stories don't match up.

[meowzers26]

You believe that?.

 

Sweety, if he truly loves you he wouldn't just want to be your friend.

 

From personal experience my ex had told me the same exact thing and we went on a break for like a day. I do acknowledge that he had suffered from severe depression in the past. He said I always go through this alone and BLA BLA BLA. Looks like his so called "depression" was him being unhappy with me and NOT SPEAKING UP. Thins were "perfect" and all suddenly he was depressed. Turns out his "depression" turned worst and worst everyday. Until we broke up and a month later he was having the TIME of his life.

 

Yeah don't let that fool you.

 

Yes, I do believe that. Not only is he distancing himself from me but also his friends and family as well. So it isn't anything personal. People suffering depression will block others out because they don't want to hurt them in the process. I am aware of where him and I stand. I've never questioned his love for me. I am just struggling with coping.

 

I am sorry you went through what you did, but our stories don't match up.

[lana-banana]

Although I don't think this guy is lying about his health, kztar is right. Someone who truly loved you and wanted to be with you wouldn't suggest you just be friends. Anyone who can handle that transition immediately doesn't have very strong feelings in the first place---which I think is the real issue here. My guess is he spent ten months with you trying to convince himself he was in love until the stress and depression became too great. He may have slid into "I love you but I'm not in love with you"-mode, which is a crappy place to be for everyone involved. I have no doubt he feels guilty for having hurt you and knows you're a great girl, just not the one for him. Distancing oneself from friends and family is also pretty common after any breakup.

 

I've had men blubber and sob and cling to me melodramatically even as they dumped me. Some swore it would be years before they were over me (it wasn't). One even cried that he'd regret it for the rest of his life (highly unlikely). The bottom line is anyone who genuinely loves you isn't going to end a relationship with you, and they definitely aren't going to ask if you can be friends.

Edited March 30, 2016 by lana-banana

[Steven1]

Sadly I know about this. I was with my ex girlfriend for 7 years and we both suffered from times of bad depression. She had to take various medications as hers got that bad and there were many,many,many times that she didn't want to wake up the next morning..and it's heart breaking. I was the same through periods as well. And we both had times when the depression got that bad that we both thought it wasn't fair on the other person and we would distance ourselves from each other, parents, life in general. When we did get better we both said that we never wanted the relationship to end during that time, but it was just what we both thought was right at the time for the other person to be happy. We never did break up during that time, but I tell you one thing, they were some very, very, very hard, long, emotional weeks. And it took A LOT for us both to come through them and keep the relationship going as well.

 

It really depends what he is going through and how it is going around in his mind and often with a lot of depression, you think you are causing problems to those around you etc so you distance yourself to try and keep them happy, when in actual fact it causes the opposite effect. Me and my ex both knew at the time if we didn't have each other, neither of us would probably be here now.

 

I would highly suggest that you try to get him to open up in any capacity by telling him that you just need to understand what he is going through to try and help, even just try being there for him by sending a general text, there is only, sadly, so much you can do. If it is bad for him then I would suggest he may need counseling to get things off his chest, before he may feel ready to continue in the relationship.

[elaine567]

Trouble with "love" is that when we are besotted we tend to assume the other is feeling the same way, and that may be an assumption too far.

YOU were madly in love with your perfect guy, but obviously he doesn't share that view about you, so he has broken up with you.

 

Coming out of a toxic relationship you will have been like a dry sponge soaking up every bit of love and affection offered, he may or may not be a perfect guy but after such a bad experience anything will seem like heaven...

 

Breaking up with someone is not usually done on a whim, especially if it is done dispassionately, stone cold sober in the clear light of day.

He may or may not love you, but he does not see a future in this relationship for whatever reason, so you need to accept that and move on.

He is essentially friend-zoning you.

He wants to keep you in his life for emotional support and so he is not left totally alone, but he also wants to be free to seek pastures new.

[Steven1]

Trouble with "love" is that when we are besotted we tend to assume the other is feeling the same way, and that may be an assumption too far.

YOU were madly in love with your perfect guy, but obviously he doesn't share that view about you, so he has broken up with you.

 

Coming out of a toxic relationship you will have been like a dry sponge soaking up every bit of love and affection offered, he may or may not be a perfect guy but after such a bad experience anything will seem like heaven...

 

Breaking up with someone is not usually done on a whim, especially if it is done dispassionately, stone cold sober in the clear light of day.

He may or may not love you, but he does not see a future in this relationship for whatever reason, so you need to accept that and move on.

He is essentially friend-zoning you.

He wants to keep you in his life for emotional support and so he is not left totally alone, but he also wants to be free to seek pastures new.

 

 

 

Agree. Different situation to me but my girlfriend of 7 years more or less confirmed last night we are not getting back together. Said that since starting Uni here etc her romantic feelings for me had disappeared. Told me that she's been speaking to someone else and although nothing has happened yet, she thinks it will very soon.

 

I know what it's like though. We both still want to remain friends purely because we've been through so much together, and I think she knows as well as me that there will probably be times in the future that the only people we could rely on would be each other. When you go through depression etc and one person helps you,or your with someone, you do develop an extremely deep connection to them that you associate with making you feeling better.

[sandramilena]

Reading your entry was like reading my very recent and very painful experience and I can totally relate. My ex-bf of 8 months is also dealing with a depression that has been consuming his life to a level I did not think was possible. I’ve never dealt with depression and never did I think I would be dating someone with it either, but I guess that’s how love happens, you never know what hits you and when it did, I embraced it and was willing to go the distance for him. Cutting to the chase, he told me he loved me, he wanted me to meet his parents and then there was the but - he did not envision our relationship moving forward because he could not give me his 100% and was not sure when that would come. Part of me was excited about the L word, but the other part of me was scared that the 100% would never come. I did not want to get married next month, but I did want us to continue moving in that direction. I questioned the but even further and he then explained that while he loved me, he did not want to fall deeper in love because he wanted his health to continue to be his main priority. That’s when I realized that we could not be together and I suggested he focus on his health and we go our separate ways. We cried like babies because our love was very pure - no arguments, no fights, it was a mature loving relationship with a deep connection. We kept in contact via text, our daily sweet messages never failed and then we got on the phone after a few days after the “break-up” he said that the invitation to visit his parents was still on. I was so confused and questioned how that would be possible and he explained that he still wanted us to remain in contact as friends. He said he wanted to fall off the grid while he got better but that he still wanted me in his life to chat every now and then and that’s when I said no more. I believe that he loves me and I am very happy when we are together, but I can’t be dragged through his process of healing - he needs to do that on his own. I would be lying if I said I did not want him to say he wanted to get back together, I would have been the happiest woman and would have held his hand through this process providing him unconditional love and support. But he was being selfish, as he should be, and that just meant I needed to put my self-worth first too. I asked that we no longer communicate, at least for a few weeks and while he acknowledged this would be painful, he agreed this was the best way to end something so beautiful and respected my decision. It has been just a few days and boy it hurts not speaking with someone that means so much to you, but like every other relationship, even when depression plays a part, it’s a 2 way street and the moment you are giving more and receiving less, you lose.

 

I think he loves you and cares about you, but like him, you need to be just as selfish and protect your heart. Don’t expect him to come back, just hope that he gets better and let him know that that will continue to be your priority and then let silence prove this is your top concern. He needs to get better and you need to heal also, communicating will only confuse you and complicate things. Get busy and be proactive and do something you’ve always wanted to do and focus all those emotions on something great. Don’t let this get the best of you and erase the beauty of what you both had. Let time pass and only after you feel that you can communicate without expecting him to get back together, then reach out, until then, don’t do yourself a disservice. Be strong, embrace these moments and learn to love the unknown, it will teach you perseverance and remind you how worthy you are of finding true love one day.

[d0nnivain]

Yes, I do believe that. Not only is he distancing himself from me but also his friends and family as well. So it isn't anything personal. People suffering depression will block others out because they don't want to hurt them in the process. I am aware of where him and I stand. I've never questioned his love for me. I am just struggling with coping.

 

 

Love isn't always enough. He doesn't have anything left to give you or anyone else. You can't fix this for him. All you can do is let him go. Do assure yourself that he's not suicidal but otherwise you have to walk away or he will drag you down. Sorry. I know you want to fix it but unless you are trained mental health worker, it's just not in your power. He made a choice. Unless you think he's legally incompetent, you have to respect that choice even if you disagree with it.