Not sure I'm cut out for this

[Ausmerican]

Hi,

 

I'm a newbie here and I'm sure like Many others am coming looking for some advice or clarification On My current situation because I just can't figure out the answer. You'll have to forgive me as I am typing on my phone.

 

I have always been the person to say I'd never date anyone with children yet I find myself 3 months into a relationship with a guy that has a 12 year old daughter.

 

He is super sweet, caring and just an all round great guy and I love spending time with him and his family, for the most part. Enter preteen daughter into the equation annnnnd it's not so wonderful.

 

A little background here. He was quite young when he broke up with his daughters mother and a few weeks later she told him she was pregnant. They've not been together since. He has always actively tried to be a part of his daughters life however his ex has always used the daughter as a pawn to get what she wants so much so that my boyfriend didn't date for the first 11 years of his child's life. The mother always said if he did he wouldn't get to see her. Fast forward to now and many of the games that the mother plays the daughter now plays too. She is rude, disrespectful and demanding.

 

Just to clarify I haven't met her and have no intention of doing so anytime soon.

 

The daughter has refused to see her father for the last 12 months and is unable to tell him why she doesn't want to see him or his family. Yet every time they need money or help with homework she calls and asks and if he even implies anything other than exactly what she wants she goes into hysterics saying he doesn't care about her anymore and doesn't want to see her blah blah blah. She always calls demanding to know exactly what he is doing, where he is and who he is with and if he is not at home doing nothing she demands he does something for her so that he can no longer do what he wants.

 

Now please don't think I am some heartless person. When I first met him I encouraged him to work with her as I was a child in a similar situation and thought I could understand where she is coming from but this is just over the top and the child is definitely her mothers puppet.

 

My boyfriend said about 6 months ago he decided enough was enough and started to say no to her. He stopped going and doing things with her and her mother as he said it was getting to the point where the two of them were pretending he was in a relationship with the mother and it was going too far.

 

My boyfriend had opted to not tell his daughter about me at first and I absolutely respected that decision. Unfortunately his daughter did find out that he was dating me in the worst way possible, a pocket dial from my boyfriend. This obviously was not the way he wanted her to find out but when she asked about it he was honest and said he had been seeing me and that he had been wanting to tell her but he wanted to do it in person and she would never visit so he hadn't had the opportunity.

 

You can only imagine what this has caused. His daughter launched a tirade against my boyfriend texting every one of his family members saying he had chosen a girlfriend over her and that he didn't want to see her anymore. They have all responded to her telling her she is being silly and immature and that what she is saying is not true but she won't hear any of it.

 

He has called her and spoken to her and tried to explain things to her but she keeps carrying on and I don't think she'll be happy until were not seeing each other anymore. My boyfriend is thinking its time for him to take a step back and give her space. He said he had considered doing this well before I entered the picture and he is at his wits end. He broke down the other night as he just can't handle the fighting with her all the time, he just wants his daughter. He says she's a different person when she does visit him.

 

He wants us to remain in a relationship but I can't help but feel as though I am driving them further apart and I don't want to be responsible for that. His family has said that none of this really has anything to do with me and this is how it has always been.

 

Am I crazy for thinking I should get out now?! My boyfriend seems to think it will all just work out in the end but I've heard his daughter say she hates me even though she has never met me and will never accept me. Is there really any hope? Am I just making things more difficult for everyone?

Edited March 30, 2016 by Ausmerican
Typos

[Buddhist]

So just one question here....

 

Are you going to let this 12yr old dictate your life as well?

 

Here's the thing. She's 12, she's hormonal, she's acting like a petulant child and a teenager. Her behaviour is not all that out of alignment with most 12yr olds except her parents allow her (perhaps encourage her) to act out in the worst possible way. :roll eyes: The advice you received is correct, it actually has nothing to do with you.

 

Now here's your choices....

 

- You can either choose to let him deal with it and stay well out of it.

- You can decide to end the relationship over it and just tell him that.

 

But don't for an instant think that you quitting the picture is going to do anything to change the relationship he has with his daughter. It won't. That relationship is a product of him not putting proper boundaries in with his child and the child's mother in the first place. It's his bed to lie in and his problem to fix, if he decides to ever do that.

[preraph]

Is he in the US? Because if so, the story he's telling you is BS. Here, he would be paying not the ex but the state his required child support, mandated by or worked out before the court, as well as custody arrangements, and in most cases, as long as he wanted it and hadn't done something heinous, he'd have joint custody and there is no way his wife could mess with him.

 

I would assume it's the same way in many other countries as well, but for sure the US. So take what he says about his sad situation with a grain of salt. If for some reason he does have no visitation, he may have done something heinous or have a bad habit at least.

 

I don't like dating men with kids either, though the older the better. That's just a personal preference. But don't let him tell you it's more complicated than it is. I'd be very suspicious of that. He may not be holding up his end or something.

[Ausmerican]

No we are in Australia and he does pay child support And then some.

 

I've heard is ex say that the only reason she chose to send her daughter to a Catholic school is because she knew he'd pay for it.

 

A few years back the ex decided to move quite a ways away. From what his family has told me he put up a fight but at the end of the day the mother was telling the daughter that the reason she couldn't move to a farm and have all of the animals she wanted was because of her Dad. He eventually gave in and they moved.

 

They went to mediation rather than court and agreed to every other weekend being his time. The mediation wasn't completed because the ex refused to keep going but the arrangement was working so he left it and decided not to rock the boat. Now thee daughter refuses to come to Sydney and instead insists that my bf goes up there to visit her and stay at her mums house. When she last came to Sydney some time ago my BF drove 3 hours to pick her up drove her back down and not 2 hours later her mum called her and all of a sudden she wanted to go home.

 

I understand why some would be skeptical about what he tells me and I can assure you I've done my due diligence. The thing is that most of the information I actually get doesn't come from him. He has expressed how much he dislikes his ex, even hates her, but he doesn't really talk negatively about her it's just not the type of person he is. A lot of the information has come from his family and I've just prompted him to tell me a little more to get some understanding of it.

 

His daughter has her own cell phone yet he is not allowed to have her number and is only allowed to communicate with his daughter via her mother. Her mother listens to all of the conversations they have. I would go as far as to say some of the text that appear to be from his daughter are probably from the mother. The grammar, spelling and even thought processes are far beyond what a 12 year old is capable of coming up with.

 

I met him online and for 12 months he had a stalker on there who would add and delete profiles and ask him question after question about his daughter. They used to call his number all the time and when you reverse search it guess who comes up as owning the number?

 

I have told him in several occasions he needs to reel it in and pull his head in but being that I am "the wicked girlfriend" I don't know that I should really be giving him any advice or suggestions. at the same time it really upsets me the way he gets spoken to. I've told him to stop pandering to them and to stand his ground but if he starts doing that NOW it will all fall onto the whole oh that's because you have a girlfriend isn't it...

 

Just this last weekend for Easter his family was planning on having a BBQ for the purpose of her coming down. He called and invited her well in advance and all she could say was idk if I want to come. By Thursday his family had said forget about it as there wasn't enough time to make arrangements for the BBQ and it wasn't happening so he told her. In Friday night she called to change her mind and said she did want to come and when he told her that there wasn't going to be a BBQ because there wasn't time she freaked out and blamed that on me too.

 

I suppose one of the many things I'm worried about is how i would respond if she ever talked to me in that way because I surely wouldn't brush it off and that would only make things worse. This is why I'm not so sure I'm cut out to handle all of this.

 

I suppose I'm just venting at this point. Sorry.

Edited March 30, 2016 by Ausmerican