sam2729 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Ok guys, I would greatly appreciate your opinion or advice on this matter. Last November I was introduced to a girl back in India through my family. My family has known her family for the last 20 years or so through business contacts. They thought we should give it a try and so we did. No, we weren't forced to talk but since our families knew of each other we gave it a try. We started chatting last November. I never thought I'd be compatible with anyone to this extent. We texted or talked over the phone, for hours and hours. We understood each other so well. Our culture, beliefs, family values, education, and our outlook towards life, it was perfect. So perfect that we both were in disbelief to see that extent to which we're compatible. I'm sure you all may relate to the fact that... deep down we all have a certain type and we all aspire for that perfect person. I was looking for someone with the looks as well as the character and that is where the problem lies. Ever since I've got to know her I've realized that she's the one. I know it, even now as I type this, it's her and there's no doubt about that. We both are very well aware of this. I went to India in December for a friend's wedding, met her there and came back in about a week. It's march now and as usual our families are asking us if we would like to take this further and get engaged. The problem is that we both love each other, but we both have a problem with our looks. I'm a tall guy, slightly on the skinner side (6'0). She's slightly short (5'3) and a bit on the healthier side. Height is not an issue but to a certain extent we both are not attracted to each other. I don't know why our heads are spinning in tangents at this point. We've ensured one thing in this relationship and that's transparency. We've always been honest to each other. We both realize this very well that the level of ease and compatibility we share is unmatched. I asked my family, friends and my mentor. They all told me that in the long run looks won't matter. My mind is jumping back and forth. I've read several posts online and some say settle down others say don't. I've always listened to my inner voice, but this time and probably the first time, there's a haze. Things aren't clear. We simply don't want to let each other go but then this looks issue is a big concern. What do we do? We do not have the option to extend this further on. We either say yes or let this go. No point going in circles as the issue will remain the same. It's not that the two us completely don't find each other attractive, we do but just not to an extent that we expected our better half to be. Would like to get your opinion on this. Do looks matter, will it be a problem in the future? Or do looks just take a backseat in the long term? Thank you.
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I believe looks is not suppose to matter. We should choose by qualities that make a good spouse. But because we are fallible selfish humans that likes pretty shiny meaningless things well looks do matter when it shouldn't. You can choose to love someone your not attracted to but normally we choose to love the man or woman we were initially attracted to ohysicially. We try to make it easy to love someone we lust after. People confuse lust and love. Love is a choice. I think it's a good thing that your thinking twice about what is wise versus what could be vain. Most of us don't. So in my opinion it is possible to love and choose to be committed to a person you have 0 physical attraction for.. You can do it but will you is only something you can honestly answer. You can pick them for good qualities and that is a good and wise thing. However your not perfect so if you know you will possibly make choices of infidelity or negligence or unloving acts towards this girl because of her looks then let her go and let someone else love her and you find someone who you will choose to love and love you back.
Poutrew Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Looks don't matter a whole lot really. Just imagine you both at age 65-75. Everything sagging and covered with moles... parts literally falling off, or needing to be cut off by a doctor. The proper adjectives to use are: droopy, dragging, and dejected. There is no physical dignity in old age, but it wont matter because you will be both decomposing together. Look to what is inside the physical body. Does her soul shine through and speak to you? If so you will learn to love her physical presence. I say => go for it! 1
Bipolarlove Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Looks don't matter much, but if you don't wanna look at the person, you're not going to be happy. Others don't find me that attractive, I'm almost 200 pounds. But my boyfriend loves me and tells me I'm beautiful. Some may not think he's the best looking, but I can't get enough (:
Versacehottie Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I don't have the exact answer but one thing I think you should do before you decide is go to see her again. Here's the thing: it sounds like personality, goals, etc are aligned. Like greatly aligned! It's worrisome that you don't feel that way about looks. I don't know if it has a chance to work this way for guys (suspect it may not but it's certainly worth a good try with all other things in favor)--but for women sometimes you can feel meh about a guy's looks and then all of sudden it just changes because the connection that has grown makes you see all the beautiful sides of them. I can be a real superficial b*tch about looks lol. And this has happened to me once with a former bf--who I didn't see as good looking. He persisted in trying to date me and when I started to like him back eventually, I distinctly remember at first thinking "not good looking" and it would morph right in the moment to "good looking" and back and forth for a bit of time and then one day it just became that I could "see" him as good looking. It was like I was immune to seeing him that way. Weird. But I think from conversations with friends, I'm not the only one that's happened to. Objectively I can say someone is attractive but not want them for myself--until I do. It has happened to me actually with a couple of other guys I've dated. Not that impressed with the looks to begin with but then as I started to fall in love with them, all I could notice was how gorgeous they were. That said, if neither of you gets to this place where you are attracted to each other, I would pass on the relationship. I think you would both always feel like you settled and it would chip away at what you could have. I'm amazed you even told each other. But that would be a plus (i think) in the "connection" column, ie that you communicate so openly. Good luck.
Tribble Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I don't know if it has a chance to work this way for guys (suspect it may not but it's certainly worth a good try with all other things in favor)--but for women sometimes you can feel meh about a guy's looks and then all of sudden it just changes because the connection that has grown makes you see all the beautiful sides of them. QUOTE] This has also happened to me (but I'm a girl too). I've gone from meh or even not liking someones looks much to thinking they're the most attractive person on the planet. To me. It depends what your priorities are and what you're like. For me, I very rarely find someone attractive off the bat. I always need to get to know them first. Even with famous actors, I always like their character otherwise it's just oh he's okay. But if you (and she) can't get there, what you have here is a friendship, not a marriage. Everything is great on paper but, if you go through with this, I feel you might feel cheated out of an experience somewhere down the line. Am I right in thinking you've only met the once? So your attraction is meant to develop over photos and possibly Skype? In that case, if you can, spending some time in person might let you see something you've missed before that makes you attracted. 2
Author sam2729 Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 I don't know if it has a chance to work this way for guys (suspect it may not but it's certainly worth a good try with all other things in favor)--but for women sometimes you can feel meh about a guy's looks and then all of sudden it just changes because the connection that has grown makes you see all the beautiful sides of them. QUOTE] This has also happened to me (but I'm a girl too). I've gone from meh or even not liking someones looks much to thinking they're the most attractive person on the planet. To me. It depends what your priorities are and what you're like. For me, I very rarely find someone attractive off the bat. I always need to get to know them first. Even with famous actors, I always like their character otherwise it's just oh he's okay. But if you (and she) can't get there, what you have here is a friendship, not a marriage. Everything is great on paper but, if you go through with this, I feel you might feel cheated out of an experience somewhere down the line. Am I right in thinking you've only met the once? So your attraction is meant to develop over photos and possibly Skype? In that case, if you can, spending some time in person might let you see something you've missed before that makes you attracted. Yes, we only met once. I believe Skype is the only way out. I can't leave her just because of her looks. I know that very well. Time and agin I see perfect looking couple in a mess. That's something I don't see us getting into. We do have topics we that don't agree or debate on but we've never taken it to an argument. I hear her out, she hears me out and we settle it somewhere in the middle.
Author sam2729 Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 Thank you all for our opinion. We'll def. consider Skype and other options before we come to a conclusion. Thank you once again.
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