30 day No Contact experience

[DanDare]

Hello everyone, I'd like to share my 30 day no contact experience. I found this site to be helpful in my recovery and hope to help others by sharing my experience.

 

First a little pre no contact background:

 

Started dating a girl 16 years my younger. We'd known each other for 4 month prior to dating. Right from the start I questioned if she was a good fit as I suspected she might be a little 'boy crazy'.

 

We had a great 3 months to start. I spoiled her and we took fun trips all over the place...

 

In month 4 the cracks started to show. My insecurities started to surface and her unwillingness to talk and help me overcome them became apparent. I was not needy or controlling in any way, in fact the opposite. But... example... if she received a text at 11pm on a Sunday night from a guy asking to meet up for a 'smoke' I would calmly ask questions... which she would react to very aggressively and defensively leading to an argument. She also showed jealousy and insecurities of her own during the relationship. We had several such arguments which lead to a two week 'break' in month 6 with the agreement we would not see other people (this was her condition not mine). She kissed and started texted another guy during this two week period. We got back together when I attempted to force a permanent breakup. We lasted another 4 weeks... again I spoiled her and we did fun things until we had another big argument again over another different guy she'd been texting. We broke up again and got back together after another two week break. We then followed the same pattern again... 4 good weeks of doing fun things and me spoiling her... then we had a mini argument as she didn't think I was giving her enough attention over text during the week since getting back together and she didn't feel I still 'needed' to see her anymore. The next week we had a big argument during a weekend valentine trip to Palm Springs. She totally blew up on me as she didn't feel that I was giving her enough attention or letting her have her way enough. Her words "I need that love and passion all the time... the type you just can't live without". Truth be told I was going off her a little due to her ****ty ungrateful attitude and the way she had disrespected me in the past. I was always polite and respectful... I'd just stopped jumping to her demands and I was no longer prioritizing her as my number one 100% of the time.

 

So a week later the relationship came to an end for a third time. No argument just an agreement this was no longer working. The previous two times I had decided to go NC but caved in and either responded to her breadcrumbs or initiating ones of my own.. on this third round I was determined not to recycle back into the same unhealthily relationship pattern. Below is my daily journal through my 30 days of NC. I hope this serves to help others who are trying to break free from an unhealthy relationship or connection with someone they know is not good for them. No contact works... please use it and stay strong!

 

2.23

NC day 1

Feeling of loss and disappointment but not broken. Think I finally realize that I can't keep H happy, it's too much like hard work. H said she was missing the passion and that's why she's not willing to continue. One low passion weekend and a deliberate reduction in week day texts and she's calling it a day. I can't keep up with her needs and wondering when the next blowup will come. She may, or may not, reach out to me again to meet up. I really think it's best that I do not see her anymore. This was our third time, another go just isn't viable.

 

3:21pm

Kind of tough afternoon... thoughts of H keep popping into my head. Stomach turns at times with a feeling of longing. I'm sure this will pass with each day and get easier. Zero desire to text her but I am still checking my phone for texts from her.

 

7:42pm

Don't feel too bad. Kind feel like it's the best and this is the opportunity to move past this and on with my life. It's actually really positive that I've been able to learn through the process and develop. I'm calmer, more secure and have a much better idea in what I'm looking for a partner in life. Next steps:

 

1) draw up a list of what I'm looking for... must haves and nice to haves

2) start building a funnel of dates

3) keep working on myself

 

9:35pm

As the first day of NC draws to a close I feel pretty relaxed and accepting of what's happening. Maybe the session with K helped. For the first time I have a level of clarity not seen before. H behavior in Palm Springs was bad and not warrantied, can I trust her not to do that again? All this game playing to keep things on track... it's just not sustainable. Is H REALLY the girl for me long term... it's clear she just isn't. Too immature, too domineering, too argumentative, too quick to take. In this state of mind for the first time I feel okay without H, able to move on with this monkey off my back. PROGRESS

 

2.24

Day 2 NC

Woke up thinking about H. Thoughts of doing something nice for her fill my head (which I won't do). I don't feel crushed but there is still

some confusion surrounding what I do or don't want. Last night I was pretty sure it wasn't what I wanted, this morning I'm not so sure. Still prone to over analyzing recent interactions or situations... what if I did this or that... yes may of changed things but it would only have bought a little more time. End result was always going to be the same.

 

10:22pm

Pretty good day.. was distracted at times but nothing too bad. Went to my dance class, was fun. In bed now and relaxed.. have a feeling this is for the best. H's behavior in Palm Springs and the SuperBowl weekend was not good.. living with her would be a total nightmare. She'd be a bitch to deal with. Looking back I now see multiple occasions where she was mean, bitchy and rude. I was no saint and my insecurities where exposed at times but put them to one side.. is H really someone I would want to settle down with... hell no!! Positives... I've learned more about myself in the last year than the last 10 years and made significant improvements. Plus I now know what I am, and I'm not, looking for.

 

2.25

Day 3 NC

Woke up thinking about H, it's a little easier than yesterday which is a good sign. Have a date lined up tonight which I'm kind of looking forward to. I do wonder how H is feeling... is she thinking about us or me, does she miss me or have regrets. Doesn't really matter.. time will heal and move us both on. We did have something good for a short while at the beginning but outside of my insecurities she was not a good fit.. too young, still liked to drink and party, quick to snap and be defensive. Not a good communicator. Was she flexible, no. Was she a giver, no. Did she have integrity.. questionable.

 

6:55am

Feeling positive again and that this is the right move... onwards and upwards!

 

6:33pm

Still had thoughts of H throughout the day but they're less distracting now. I catch myself strategizing on how I might get her back and stop myself knowing it's not a good idea. Looking forward to getting through day 4 NC which will be a record. If I can clear this weekend I think I'll be in good shape!

 

Gonna go on a 3 day cruise with K (as friends)

 

10:55pm

Date was pleasant but I don't find her attractive. Feelings of Heather are still there but not really hurting me... although I still find myself strategizing on how to make her think about me... what's the point?? Waste of time and energy!

 

2.26

Day 4 NC

This is the day that I broke NC last time. This will not happen again... so much stronger this time around.

 

12:38pm

No desire to text H but I wonder what she's thinking and feeling and wether she will text me over the weekend.

 

3:45pm

Thoughts of H come and go... must keep thinking about how it could never work long term with her. Maybe by subconscious knew this all along which is why I've unconsciously continually sabotaged the relationship.

 

7:43pm

Still okay. Tomorrow will bring day 5 of NC... new territory. Gonna sort the boat out and my car tires.

 

2.27

Day 6 of NC

Woke up with some thoughts of H nothing too bad or good. A nice looking girl from Tinder messaged me (lives in SD) last night... which was nice. My plan for the day:

 

1) get car fixed

2) launder my and clean apartment

3) gym

4) maybe boat

5) maybe SM tonight

 

12noon

Thoughts of H persist. Mainly wonder if she'll text me and how she feels. If I can find a girl I'm interested in that will help I think.

 

8:46pm

Still can't shake the what ifs... I'm not really hurting just disappointed. Still trying to make sense of it knowing there is no point. Must keep going back to how unreasonable she was and difficult to talk to... it could never have worked long term. I knew this from the beginning deep down. I'm going to keep soldiering on and hopefully will find the right girl. Older, more mature, calmer, drinks less, doesn't do drugs, doesn't have a ****ty room mate, isn't boy crazy.

 

2.28

Day 7 NC

As I hit the 1 week mark of no contact feelings of regret and loss hit me. Went out last night and talked to girls that I have zero interest in. Thoughts of H moving on with another guy flash through my head. Must stay focused on reality... we were not right for each other. We tried.. over and over... for whatever reason it didn't work. We could never have worked, that's the reality.

 

8:30am

Think I need to stop looking up 'breakup' stuff on the Internet.. while it does create a distraction from direct thoughts of H it encourages me to think about us getting back together.

 

9:50am

Since going NC these are the strongest urges I've had to text H. What's she doing? Is she sad? Happy? Thinking of me?

 

2.28

Day 7 NC

Yesterday was the hardest day for me so far. Emotionally up and down. Feel a little more settled and accepting today. Deep down I know it won't work but deep down I still want her back, or to at least speak with her.

 

9:04am

Meditation helped this morning. Must meditate again tonight. This week is definite harder than last week so far, hopefully the session with K tomorrow will help re focus me.

 

5:28pm

Felt much more positive this afternoon... singing on the way home. With focus on myself I know I can find a higher quality girl better suited to me. I have a plan for the week and feel good right now.

 

9:36pm

As the day comes to an end I feel much much better. Accepting of what's happened and not drawn to see or speak to H at all. I hope this feeling continues!

 

3.1

Day 8 NC

Not feeling down today and still accepting of what's happened. Mind is still focused on future. I still find myself slipping back in the chain of events that lead H to quit... I'm able to catch myself and think about something else, it's serves no benefit. Have a number of convos with chicks on the Internet. This really helps and helps me realize there are so many attractive woman in their 30s out there. I believe I can, and will, do better than H.

 

10:11pm

As another day draws to an end I feel okay, stable and confident about the future. My dance instructor definitely has a twinkle in her eye, although way too young! Session with K was good. I feel calm and at ease going to bed tonight.. it's a calmness I haven't had for a long while, feels good.

 

3.2

Day 9 NC

Kind of feel a little indifferent today, like it doesn't really matter that much. She's gone but so what, she wasn't really that important in the grand scheme of things anyway... life goes on!

 

5:27pm

I dipped a little this afternoon thinking about H. Nothing too bad just got distracted thinking about if she's thinking about me, has she already moved on, did she do something on the weekend after PS which pushed her decision. None of this matters now, it's over... now it's all about life going forwards and the opportunity to find someone better, more suited, less stress and anxiety.. no more games. In the process of lining up a date for next week with a girl I've been chatting to on Tinder.. this will fulfill next weeks target.. and this week is A on Friday (one date per week).

 

Day 9 of NC draws to a close and I feel okay, still accepting. Had a fun time at the dance school.

 

3.3

Day 10 NC

Feel the same indifference this morning. I do still wonder if she will reach out and if she does what will she say... doesn't really matter at the end of the day. Wasn't going anywhere, wasn't sustainable and was no longer healthy.

 

3:45pm

Mind drifts back to what could have been... must stop and move forward. No desire to text H which is good. Stopped looking at the net researching the whys and wherefores which is a positive step.

 

3.4

Day 11 NC

Same indifference as yesterday. I'm sleeping good and feel okay. I wonder how I will feel this weekend.. it will be a good test I think. The feeling it is really over has sunk in and I don't think she will text me again... I will definitely not text her.

 

6:00pm

Interesting just as the thought that she won't text me sinks in... she text me. She forwarded an email re the AC and said she was "thinking about me". I haven't replied and I'm not going to. I need to get over this and the fastest way is NC. The relationship is a non starter I see that now. H is bad news for me.

 

8:14pm

Feeling stronger and stronger knowing that I don't want H...

 

9:24pm

Heading out on a date with A now

 

3.5

Day 12 NC

Woke up feeling okay. Had a pleasant evening with A, was nice not getting wasted.. just a goodnight kiss. She's a nice person and very attractive... way too young though. As for H.. I didn't reply to her text (breadcrumb) yesterday, she's old news! Maybe I will speak to her one day but not until I'm 100% over her which I have a clear line of sight on now!

 

11.12am

Kind of wish H would text again but with no reason... dead relationship with no future.

 

5:50pm

Today got a little harder. I keep thinking back to H breadcrumb text Friday and whether I missed my opportunity to reply. I was happy I didn't reply and felt a measure of strength and control not replying... that feeling has now turned to guilt, why the f do I feel like that. H dumped me to focus on herself, it's now time for me to focus on myself which means not talking to her!

 

3.6

Day 13 NC

Woke up with a hangover, got pretty drunk last night. Thoughts of H still linger...

 

10am

Kind of feel okay.. like single mode is starting to come back. Not such a bad thing.

 

3.7

Day 14 NC

Woke up feeling okay.. thoughts of H are still there but fading.

 

9:50am

Feel my focus shifting from H to myself and other opportunities.

 

8:00pm

Had a good day... generated lots of female interest on the Internet. Went to a dance class. Still find my mind wondering to H but it's not depressing or bad.

 

3.8

Day 15 NC

Woke up in the middle of the night.. weird dream. Kind of felt depressed about H. Feel okay now, still accepting in the knowledge this is best for me. Thoughts of reconciliation slip further and further from sight as a possibility. Feel good.

 

11am

As the day progresses I feel better and better.

 

4:21pm

Must stop obsessing over no contact and what H is, or isn't, thinking. Bottom line... relationship did not work for the following reasons:

 

H was domineering

H was too young and immature

H lifestyle did not fit with mine

H liked to drink too much

H was defensive and quick to snap

H integrity was questionable

H was not flexible

H was a taker not a giver

H was a flirt with other guys

H was impatient

 

 

3.9

Day 16 NC

feel okay today. Trying to decide if i should or shouldn't text H Friday for her bday. Ive decided not to, no good can come of it other than making her feel better about herself.

 

5:22

A good day... less obsessing over NC. Mood is getting better and better... hopefully I'll be 100% clear of the connection to H soon!

 

9:16pm

Fun night at the dance class... feeling good

 

11:06

Had a nice chat with a girl called L from bumble over the phone.. gonna meet up with her Sunday for coffee.

 

3.10

Day 17 NC

Same okay feeling this morning.. not bad, not good... just okay.

 

3.11

Day 18 NC

Same okay feeling.. no urge to text H on her bday which is today.

 

3.12

Day 19 NC

Had a bit of a relapse last night thinking about H due to her bday (plus I saw I pic of her on my phone by accident which didn't help!). who's she with, what's she doing etc. I dreamt about her for the first time (that I remember). Don't feel bad this morning, I feel okay tho.

 

I'm going to try and stop researching on the net re breakups and not talk about it anymore. I have so many positive things going on right now.. need to focus more of my attention there and stop looking back!!!

 

3.13

Day 20 NC

Woke up with that empty feeling. This weekend has been a little tough. Went to the gym this morning and feel a little better now. Have a couple of coffee dates lined up in LA this afternoon.. must stay focused on the future.

 

Went on a coffee date.. nice girl but I have no interest in her. Felt my gut turning towards the end of the date... thoughts of H... I'm not over this yet

 

3.14

Day 21 NC

Woke up feeling okay, glad the weekend is over. Looking forward to the week.. work and dance classes.

 

9:25pm

Feeling good... considering plans for the weekend, maybe Palm Springs. My mind is starting to shift to all the things I can do again now I'm single and don't have the 'H' factor to worry about anymore! The feeling of freedom is starting to return

 

3.15

Day 22 NC

Feel good this morning... looking forward positively!

 

7:10pm

Feel okay... almost like I don't need to write in this journal anymore.

 

3.16

Day 23 NC

Woke up feeling okay.

 

3.17

Day 24 NC

Woke up feeling okay again.

 

3.18

Day 25 NC

Woke with a hangover, st paddies day yesterday. Feel okay.

 

3.19

Day 26 NC

Feel okay... I don't want to text H, I don't want to see her... but I do wonder what's she is thinking and doing. It's Saturday today and weekends are always hardest. They are without a doubt getting easier though.

 

3.20

Day 27 NC

Feel okay again. This weekend has not been so hard... definitely improvement. I feel the connection loosening. The analyzing has stopped and momentary feelings of wanting reconciliation have stopped also. H feels like a different person to me now.... I see light at the end of the tunnel! NC definitely works!

 

3.21

Day 28 NC

Woke up feeling the same... okay.

 

3.18pm

On a plane to Chicago.. bored so read my journal from Q4 last year. It really made me realize how up and down i was with H... almost crazy. It also makes me feel better about maintaining NC which was my mistake the last two times we broke up. You couldn't pay me to date that girl again. I wish her no harm but have zero desire to be friends with her or ever see or speak with her again. She will make some guy very unhappy in the future I'm 100% sure of that.

 

3.22

Day 29 NC

Woke up feeling good.. focused on work.

 

3.23

Day 30 NC

Woke up feeling fine and good. As I hit the 30 day mark my connection to H feels almost gone. I still have thoughts of her but am no longer analyzing what happened, where it went wrong, what I could have done differently. I no longer want to be with her and I'm glad that we broke up so I can move forward and find a healthy relationship. No contact has definitely worked for me.

 

Summary and reflection:

 

This relationship has provided me tremendous insight into my own opportunities for improvement. I started seeing a therapist as well as daily mindful meditation during the relationship in an attempt to get better and cope with the situation. These are heathy practices I will continue using in my life and drive to self improvement. I now have a clear line of sight on what I am, and what I'm not, looking for in a life partner. It's been hard but in a way I have to thank this girl for this experience and life lesson.

[PLT]

Great stuff. Gives us all hope!

 

My path has been a little different. I had far too much I needed to say so I broke NC consistently the past 5 weeks (with no response from her I might add). Now I've got it all out and have nothing left to say, I can clear the decks and start NC properly.

[Satu]

"Once all the words have been said, there are no more words to be said..."

[TaraMaiden2]

I can't help thinking that post should have been a lot longer....

[SammySammy]

I can't help thinking that post should have been a lot longer....

 

 

I can see how journaling would be very helpful in the healing process though.

 

I've found that I grew most when I wrote things down. Set targets. Tracked my daily activities. It let me review and reflect more accurately; made me more honest with myself. Showed me my progress and what I should strive to improve the next day. Helping me to constantly improve until the person I became no longer resembled the person I was.

 

Writing things down can be a helpful tool. I'm glad the OP shared this with us and showed us what is helping him to get over what so many of us have been through.

[Rachel39]

Yes me me too have finally started to let go after 10 weeks....

 

I'm trying to see it as a positive now as Iv done most of my grieving now...Said everything that I had to say to try and save it with no success and now I'm in my 10th day of nc

[DanDare]

These are the techniques I used to fast track recovery....

 

1) 100 % no contact

2) Kept reminding myself that the hurt I was feeling was physical withdrawal and it WOULD go away if I remained disciplined to NC.

3) Journaling every day to enable reflection and to track progress

4) Repeated positive affirmations "I let go of H to make way for new love" when she popped into my head

5) Visualized two identities in my head. When one of them 'the detective' started over analyzing every interaction with H I would visualize the other identity 'the guy that wanted to let go and move on' negotiating with the 'the detective' and reassuring him that we won't get hurt again as I will not date someone like her again and he therefore did not need to spend anymore time working out what happened.

Edited March 30, 2016 by DanDare

[TaraMaiden2]

These are the techniques I used to fast track recovery....

 

1) 100 % no contact

2) Kept reminding myself that the hurt I was feeling was physical withdrawal and it WOULD go away if I remained disciplined to NC.

3) Journaling every day to enable reflection and to track progress

4) Repeated positive affirmations "I let go of H to make way for new love" when she popped into my head

5) Visualized two identities in my head. When one of them 'the detective' started over analyzing every interaction with H I would visualize the other identity 'the guy that wanted to let go and move on' negotiating with the 'the detective' and reassuring him that we won't get hurt again as I will not date someone like her again and he therefore did not need to spend anymore time working out what happened.

 

Excellent techniques. Very useful....