EllieW909 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 (edited) [preamble redacted] I am 23 years old, been with my husband for 6 and a half years, married for a year and a half of those years. We have no children. I have been diagnosed with depression after experiencing a low mood and erratic behaviour in the past few months and I have been on medication for the last month or so. My husband has always had a temper - he has been physically and emotionally abusive in the past, and for the last year or so, I haven't been very happy in my relationship and felt 'trapped' as I was only 6 months or so married.. this also occurred when I got a new job and started experiencing new people/new experiences. The first instance was in December at my work Christmas dinner, just one week after we got back from holiday with our friends. I ended up staying out all night, and sleeping with somebody else. I thought this would have been the end of it, but for some reason, I didn't have the feelings of guilt and shame I thought I should have. A few weeks later, I cheated again by going round to somebody's house, so I didn't even have the drunk excuse. This was after my hubby found out I had cheated the first time. After this, I decided to join an online dating website, where I have been hooking up since with different men for purely physical encounters (for the most part). There have been 8 men in total from December that I have slept with. I know that this is not acceptable and I cannot pin point why or seem to stop this behaviour. I met one guy through this, who I started to casually 'date' - go out for coffees with etc, and now I have developed feelings for him. Which is obviously messing with my head. I haven't hooked up with anybody else since meeting this other guy. We text each other frequently and keep in touch on an almost daily basis. He has helped me a lot as he has split from his wife. However.. I am stuck in a dilemma as this is not who I am. My husband found out (again!) that I had cheated, and I tried to walk away.. I told him it was over, but he cried and begged me to give it another go. He told me it was the depression talking, and not the real me. To give it a 'few days' to cool down. Right enough, a few days later, I have cooled down and I am in a much better position, but I don't know whether it's because I haven't been in contact with this other guy as much.. or whether it's because deep down, I am genuienly happy in my marriage. I am so confused right now about what I want, and what is right and what is the best decision for me. Edited March 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Gemma1 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 In what ways was your husband physically abusive? If he has physically hurt you, you need to get out now regardless of your cheating. Although your cheating is your issue and you do need to figure that out before you get involved with anyone else. 4
carhill Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Welcome to LS. It sounds like you got into an exclusive relationship pretty young and with someone you grew to find incompatible. 1. Get the medical stuff sorted. See if you can get some talk-therapy to go with the meds. Get healthy. 2. Address the marriage. If it's not working, regardless of whatever he does, exit. Follow the rules of your locale to end it. Regardless, separate yourself from him. 3. Be alone. Create a clear break in the serial infidelity pattern. You seem to understand it's not a solution. You can work on that stuff with your therapist while addressing the depression. Easy? Nope! However, you have youth on your side and there are no children to consider. 1
stillafool Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 You have no children, you are both in a bad marriage, you like sleeping with other men, my goodness divorce already and be free. What are you waiting for? 1
Alamo657 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 [preamble redacted] I am 23 years old, been with my husband for 6 and a half years, married for a year and a half of those years. We have no children. I have been diagnosed with depression after experiencing a low mood and erratic behaviour in the past few months and I have been on medication for the last month or so. My husband has always had a temper - he has been physically and emotionally abusive in the past, and for the last year or so, I haven't been very happy in my relationship and felt 'trapped' as I was only 6 months or so married.. this also occurred when I got a new job and started experiencing new people/new experiences. The first instance was in December at my work Christmas dinner, just one week after we got back from holiday with our friends. I ended up staying out all night, and sleeping with somebody else. I thought this would have been the end of it, but for some reason, I didn't have the feelings of guilt and shame I thought I should have. A few weeks later, I cheated again by going round to somebody's house, so I didn't even have the drunk excuse. This was after my hubby found out I had cheated the first time. After this, I decided to join an online dating website, where I have been hooking up since with different men for purely physical encounters (for the most part). There have been 8 men in total from December that I have slept with. I know that this is not acceptable and I cannot pin point why or seem to stop this behaviour. I met one guy through this, who I started to casually 'date' - go out for coffees with etc, and now I have developed feelings for him. Which is obviously messing with my head. I haven't hooked up with anybody else since meeting this other guy. We text each other frequently and keep in touch on an almost daily basis. He has helped me a lot as he has split from his wife. However.. I am stuck in a dilemma as this is not who I am. My husband found out (again!) that I had cheated, and I tried to walk away.. I told him it was over, but he cried and begged me to give it another go. He told me it was the depression talking, and not the real me. To give it a 'few days' to cool down. Right enough, a few days later, I have cooled down and I am in a much better position, but I don't know whether it's because I haven't been in contact with this other guy as much.. or whether it's because deep down, I am genuienly happy in my marriage. I am so confused right now about what I want, and what is right and what is the best decision for me. I can tell you what you want : you don't want to be chained into routine, you want to meet different people and have sex with whoever you like, whenever it suits you. Because right now, settling down is not what you want. Because unfortunatly, your relationship with your husband was damaged beyond repair and you're looking for comfort outside your relationship, because you self-convinced yourself that your husband can't give it to you. Help your husband, and leave him, it's better to make him suffer alot now and be done with it, than a lot all the time.
sandylee1 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I think getting into therapy would be useful to navigate what's going on inside your head. When you got married... did you realise that it was meant to be for life? What made you feel he was 'the one'? Are those feelings still there? Did you feel sure that this is the man you want to grow old with? Has your husband forgiven you for cheating? Did he get angry? Do you think he'd still want the marriage if he knew there were 8 other guys? 23 is young...and having been with him for 6 years .... I'm guessing you haven't experienced another adult romantic relationship .... I can't comment on whether it's the depression or whether you lack the maturity for marriage .... but you can't carry on like this. I do hope you are using protection with these men .. otherwise you are putting your husband's health and yours at risk. Even condoms are not 100%. If you want to stay married ... you need to be truthful with your husband. Let him decide if he still wants to be with you. Also try and get your family to help.. parents or a sibling. 1
Satu Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 With or without cheating, you need to decide if you want to be with your husband or not. You might not find it easy to make that decision without some outside help. Even just a handful of sessions with a counsellor might be enough to get you to a point where you know what you really want. See what's available in your area. 1
Satu Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 With or without cheating, you need to decide if you want to be with your husband or not. You might not find it easy to make that decision without some outside help. Even just a handful of sessions with a relationship counsellor might be enough to get you to a point where you know what you really want. See what's available in your area.
Marc878 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 By definition you are a serial cheater. You need to end this marriage and get some serious counseling for your next relationship. You also need to mature/grow up before starting another serious relationship.
ladydesigner Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 In what ways was your husband physically abusive? If he has physically hurt you, you need to get out now regardless of your cheating. Although your cheating is your issue and you do need to figure that out before you get involved with anyone else. Great post and totally agree! If your BS is physically abusive you should leave. That is the only time that I am emphatic about a person leaving or getting a D. I agree that the cheating is your issue, but you are also being abused so I understand you may be looking for an escape. Get thee into therapy asap! 1
jnel921 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 6 and a half years is a long time to be with someone so young and get married especially if you weren't happy to begin with. Saying he was abusive is an excuse to make your A look far less worse. But it's still bad. If you cant be monogamous, remorseful and still feel the need to sleep with OM then D your H. You are both young, no kids. Don't waste his time, if you don't love him. He can find happiness with someone else. I did.
Bryanp Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Just curious but are you not afraid of catching an STD? 1
ChickiePops Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I don't understand why you haven't left your awful husband yet..
velvette Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 It sounds like you are sleeping with other men, hoping one of them will rescue you. Rescue yourself. Separate from your husband. Go to counseling. If you have any desire to stay with your H, require him to go to counseling with someone who specializes in dealing with abusive men. If he wont, divorce him. Stay in counseling until you understand how to avoid abusive men. 1
SolG Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Ellie I concur with what others here have said about talking to someone, preferably a psychologist. Additionally, I'd recommend that you go back to your doctor and talk about the medication and what you've been experiencing. It's not uncommon for bipolar disorder to be misdiagnosed as unipolar depression. What can then happen is that the prescribed antidepressants can displace the depressive symptoms, but trigger mania. And a common symptom of mania can be hypersexuality. Bipolar is of course by no means a certainty, but nevertheless it is still worth talking over what you're going through with your medical team so they can perhaps help you navigate and manage it. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I am so confused right now about what I want, and what is right and what is the best decision for me. I think you're conflating multiple separate issues, none of which can be successfully addressed until you deal with mental health. All of the other subplots - abusive husband, marital difficulties, acting out sexually in inappropriate ways - require clear and measured judgement to resolve. Getting help with depression and any other maladies will bring clarity, something lacking now as you bounce from one bad choice to another. Start with a counselor/therapist/doctor you trust, go from there. Keep us posted... Mr. Lucky 1
Chi townD Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Just get out of your marriage. 8 men since December? And I seriously believe that your husband doesn't even have half of the story. He only knows about the two times. You don't love him or else you wouldn't have done it to him twice. He's hurt, broken and crying, but it doesn't SEEM to phase you because you keep on this destructive behavior. Put your health and his at risk. Nah, you need to divorce him and walk away. He may end up hating you, but that may be what he needs to do to move on.
Jersey born raised Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 8 men in three months is unusual for a woman. If it is normal she would not wonder about it. You need to get to the root of the problem. What I can say with certainty is you have a deep resentment for his treatment of you. Most of the woman I know who get around a lot are CSA victims. (childhood sexual abuse) or had other FOO issues. I could rattle of hundreds of good reasons to divorce (and you have more then a few) but none for adultery. I usually have no use for unremorseful spouses. Battery woman are a bit of a separate case. You are looking for a KISA. A man to save you from the evil dragon. Only you can save yourself. Until you do you will keep picking man who will abuse you. Get in touch with a woman's shelter and ask for the name of a therapist. Bye the way did you mention his age? You where 16 when this started up, how old was he.
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