Puddl Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Hey All-- I was dating someone for three months long distance who I know for 20 years. In planning to see him we had a communication breakdown online. He likes to do things his way but it was getting late for me in terms of planning so as soon as I tried to exercise some control on the situation by offering options that worked for me he stopped (or delayed?--who knows) communicating with me. I think these options didn't work for him or his timeframe. I don't know because he didn't respond to me. Then I kept seeing he was online and ignored me so I got annoyed and called him out on it after waiting a day. Then I was confused because a few more days passed I had not heard from him, confused like the way someone ghosted feels. I've since tried approaching him a few ways and nothing has changed. I broke down on the phone after a week--that led to nothing. A few days later I wrote him apologizing but was still annoyed. No response. Then a week later I wrote an apologetic letter and said I missed his friendship. Yep, nothing. I'm usually pretty smart in my approaches to people but I botched this because my emotions really dictated my actions. But what is really rubbing me is that he has not defriended me. I spoke with a friend and said this guy probably refuses to communicate if he doesn’t like the conversation, that maybe it’s his way or the highway. And that he’s leaving the door open for you to realize your mistake and approach him 'the right way by not defriending me. After evaluating this from a million angles, this actually seems to make the most sense given my experience with him. So what's the "right" approach? I know it can't be emotional. All of my approaches have been "heavy" in that way. We are not going "to do" unpacking our feelings. He seems uncomfortable with anything emotional directed at him. I really just miss our friendship so I want to get it back in gear. The relationship thing didn't work out, so what? So how about something like this: "Hey I laughed my way through this show __________ and I think you would love it. It reminded me of the time you "________". Anyway how are things with you? I've been busy with "x, y and z." You're thoughts?
DominicWayne Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 From my personal experience doing this a long time ago and seeing others doing this, don't commit to long distance. I would actually advise you to stop and get out there in the real world. I promise you that there is much better fruit out there than what you can possibly find online. The real stuff happens face to face, actually feeling their presence. Keep dominating badass. 1
Author Puddl Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 Hey thanks for your thoughts. I'm with you ... except for this one caveat... We've been friends for awhile...like before the interwebs. Our life relationship was amazing and honestly it was through online mediums our communication tanked.
mikeylo Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 He probably doesn't want to be friends after relationship failed. Many people don't like to stay friends. It helps them move on. He wants to go complete no contact to get over and forget what could have been.
DominicWayne Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Hey thanks for your thoughts. I'm with you ... except for this one caveat... We've been friends for awhile...like before the interwebs. Our life relationship was amazing and honestly it was through online mediums our communication tanked. I see what you mean. But here's the thing. If someone, ANYONE doesn't give you the respect you deserve (ignores you, doesn't give you the time of day to talk without a very legitimate excuse), you leave that person and let them come to you. That is a life lesson that applies to everyone. You're a catch, you're a badass. If someone fails to see that and just puts you on the backburner, leave. The more you try with this guy when he's continuing this behavior, the more distant he will be. Leave and let him pursue you. If he doesn't reconnect after your departure, then it's his loss. Say it with me. You're a badass and you deserve more respect than this. 2
Cinnamonstix Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 That has to hurt that he has shut you out like that. And after 20 years? This speaks volumes about his character and maturity level. You can't make someone talk to you. To keep trying to elicit a response from someone that is ignoring you is only going to make you feel worse and feed the desperation. Value yourself more. Let him go.
Author Puddl Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 You're all right. It's actually so careless and disrespectful. I'm in denial about it.
Zahara Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Hey thanks for your thoughts. I'm with you ... except for this one caveat... We've been friends for awhile...like before the interwebs. Our life relationship was amazing and honestly it was through online mediums our communication tanked. Being friends and being in a relationship are two completely different dynamics. Unfortunately, this dynamic has likely forever changed things between you two. Self-respect and dignity. Hold on to it. Stop chasing him every which way to entice him to react. It's reeks desperation and it will only teach him that you will accept bad behavior just for his validation. The thing is -- his silence is a response. 1
hippychick3 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I would treat his silence as the ultimate slap in the face. No more apologies. What he did is despicable and unwarranted. Be the one to defriend him. He doesn't deserve your friendship. Doesn't a friendship require a certain amount of respect for one another? Cut ties with him and move forward. Surround yourself with family and friends for support.
Author Puddl Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 I'm having a hard time recovering from this.
Author Puddl Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 I appreciate the thoughts about not chasing, dignity and self respect. It's hard to maintain those things when the questions remain unanswered especially in this perplexing place. But still does anyone have an actual answer to my question.
preraph Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I'm just struggling to understand why you ever apologized to begin with for simply asking for some consideration in how you get together, much less why you keep apologizing and are crawling around begging this ___(we're not allowed to cuss here, so use your imagination, and start at the beginning of the alphabet). Why on earth would you want anything to do with someone that controlling that they can't even SPEAK to you if you don't just unquestioningly do everything their way? Good grief. This relationship, whatever it is, is all one-sided. Block him and find someone new. He would be a nightmare to be involved with any further. 1
Zahara Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 (edited) But still does anyone have an actual answer to my question. But what is really rubbing me is that he has not defriended me. He's probably leaving a window open so that when he's decided he's punished you just enough, he'll breeze back in and hit the reset button -- this will teach you to have expectations! Chances are you've already shown him how desperate you are, so he knows he can pick up where he left of OR he isn't even thinking about "defriending" because it isn't something that is significant to him. It's significant to you because you're grasping. Or he's waiting for a bit until your emotions settle -- he's managing your expectations by ignoring you then when he feels you've calmed down, he may resurface with some idiotic excuse. So what's the "right" approach? No approach. He's not interested in you emotionally and chances are this has ruined the friendship. Plus, who wants to be friends with someone that treats you like you don't exist. This is who he truly is -- that guy you knew for 20 years, well you dug a little deeper and this is his true nature. I know it can't be emotional. All of my approaches have been "heavy" in that way. We are not going "to do" unpacking our feelings. He seems uncomfortable with anything emotional directed at him. I really just miss our friendship so I want to get it back in gear. The relationship thing didn't work out, so what? So, you leave it alone. There is nothing more that you can do. Going back to the "self-respect and dignity" part -- you do nothing. So how about something like this: "Hey I laughed my way through this show __________ and I think you would love it. It reminded me of the time you "________". Anyway how are things with you? I've been busy with "x, y and z." You're thoughts? Seems like you tried every possible way to get his attention -- anger by calling him out, then breaking down/begging, then apologizing, and apologizing again and now you want to try light and easy. STOP. This isn't attractive behavior. Edited March 30, 2016 by Zahara
TXGuy Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I'd leave him alone before you get hit with a restraining order. How many times are you going to continue to harass him before you get the point?
Author Puddl Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 Omg you're all right. I need space!!!!! I sound like a beggar. My self esteem has been rocked.
Recommended Posts