Author Lovelorn00 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Posted March 31, 2016 What do you mean you "ran into him"? Did he approach you? Ask you out? By “ran into him,” I mean the first night we hung out, it wasn’t the result of a specific plan or anything. He called me (yes, called) to tell me that he was in town (he lives in the next town over) and asked if I would be free that weekend. I let him know that Friday (that same night) was my only free night, since I had plans for the rest of the weekend. I didn’t have anything to do that night, but I did really want to go out, so we agreed to meet up. At the time, he was at dinner with his buddy, but he called me quite a bit before we actually met up in order to update me on the plan and to ask what my status was. We eventually met up at a bar and hung out for maybe 4 or 5 hours until I took a cab home. The next day, I had plans to go see a movie with friends. He was in constant contact with me all day (up until the minute my movie started), asking if I wanted to join him for a bunch of different activities. I told him that I had plans already, but I might be able to meet up after the movie was over. So, we met up at another bar after my movie was over. None of these were actual dates. Nothing was planned on either end. Also, his friends were around both times. We were all hanging out as a group both days. So, no, he didn’t plan anything. He did spend some $$$, though. I thought I was thanking him enough for that with my kisses. Haha No, not every man has ghosted or faded on me. I’ve dated guys and had relationships with men who didn’t do that. I was mostly speaking about my experiences during the past year of dating. It seems to be getting worse. It’s becoming the norm. My current plan is to either a) see if he contacts me to confirm plans for this weekend. If he doesn’t, there’s my answer. OR b) contact him first with something kinda cheeky. Like you said, I kinda want to “get mad” and call him out on his “shyt” but in a respectful way. If, by some crazy long shot, he actually IS interested in me for more than sex, he needs to know that this lapse in communication isn’t going to fly with me.
AMJ Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Lovelorn I agree you should reach out to him. From his perspective, he planned a really nice weekend together and then was rejected. Of course he wanted to sleep with you, but that doesn't mean that's the only thing he wants from you.
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) By “ran into him,” I mean the first night we hung out, it wasn’t the result of a specific plan or anything. He called me (yes, called) to tell me that he was in town (he lives in the next town over) and asked if I would be free that weekend. How, when did you meet him or start chatting with him? Did you meet on line or did you know him previously? So you hung out with him and his friends both nights, and they were not dates? But he spent money on you and you kissed. Not that it matters now just confused tis all. All sounds very elusive. Edited March 31, 2016 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 By “ran into him,” I mean the first night we hung out, it wasn’t the result of a specific plan or anything. He called me (yes, called) to tell me that he was in town (he lives in the next town over) and asked if I would be free that weekend. I let him know that Friday (that same night) was my only free night, since I had plans for the rest of the weekend. I didn’t have anything to do that night, but I did really want to go out, so we agreed to meet up. At the time, he was at dinner with his buddy, but he called me quite a bit before we actually met up in order to update me on the plan and to ask what my status was. We eventually met up at a bar and hung out for maybe 4 or 5 hours until I took a cab home. The next day, I had plans to go see a movie with friends. He was in constant contact with me all day (up until the minute my movie started), asking if I wanted to join him for a bunch of different activities. I told him that I had plans already, but I might be able to meet up after the movie was over. So, we met up at another bar after my movie was over. None of these were actual dates. Nothing was planned on either end. Also, his friends were around both times. We were all hanging out as a group both days. So, no, he didn’t plan anything. He did spend some $$$, though. I thought I was thanking him enough for that with my kisses. Haha No, not every man has ghosted or faded on me. I’ve dated guys and had relationships with men who didn’t do that. I was mostly speaking about my experiences during the past year of dating. It seems to be getting worse. It’s becoming the norm. My current plan is to either a) see if he contacts me to confirm plans for this weekend. If he doesn’t, there’s my answer. OR b) contact him first with something kinda cheeky. Like you said, I kinda want to “get mad” and call him out on his “shyt” but in a respectful way. If, by some crazy long shot, he actually IS interested in me for more than sex, he needs to know that this lapse in communication isn’t going to fly with me. Thanks for clarifying, I am getting the picture now. After reading all this, don't text him. I mean, calling you last minute both nights (I would not have been available either night) and then hanging out with his friends? Yeah it really does sound like he was up for some booty that weekend. Just move on, I would not even go out with him again assuming he does call. Aim higher LL. And choose wisely.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Posted March 31, 2016 How, when did you meet him or start chatting with him? Did you meet on line or did you know him previously? So you hung out with his friends, but they were not dates? But he spent money on you and you kissed. So confused!! Haha! You like details, katiegrl! Okay, so our official FIRST meeting was a couple of weeks ago. I met him at a music venue when I went to see a friend's band play. He approached me and we chatted for a short while. He was with his buddy (same guy), who was pretty eager to leave the venue to go somewhere else. I wanted to stay to watch the band play, so he asked for my number and suggested we get together the next day for coffee. He contacted me about an hour after he left to let me know where he and his buddy ended up, in case I still wanted to meet up after I was finished watching the band. I didn't respond (I was busy). He contacted me again the next day to see if I was willing to get coffee, but I told him I couldn't, because I had plans (I did). Yes, that's correct. I wouldn't consider what we did this past weekend to be "dates" at all. There were always other people around. There were times when we were alone (this is when the kissing happened), but I wouldn't consider any of this a date. Yes, he paid for everything (while we were together) the whole weekend.
katiegrl Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Thanks for clarifying, I am getting the picture now. After reading all this, don't text him. I mean, calling you last minute both nights (I would not have been available either night) and then hanging out with his friends? Yeah it really does sound like he was up for some booty that weekend. Just move on, I would not even go out with him again assuming he does call. Aim higher LL. And choose wisely. ^^And yeah by agreeing to those "last minute hangouts" and with his friends no less, especially when you had never even been out with him before... you did choose him and IMO you chose poorly.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 Thanks for clarifying, I am getting the picture now. After reading all this, don't text him. I mean, calling you last minute both nights (I would not have been available either night) and then hanging out with his friends? Yeah it really does sound like he was up for some booty that weekend. Just move on, I would not even go out with him again assuming he does call. Aim higher LL. And choose wisely. Yep. This is what my gut is telling me. He wanted some quick weekend booty, and he's probably used to getting it, because he's pretty attractive. He'll woo some other girl this weekend, I'm sure. 1
katiegrl Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Yep. This is what my gut is telling me. He wanted some quick weekend booty, and he's probably used to getting it, because he's pretty attractive. He'll woo some other girl this weekend, I'm sure. Alrighty then.... I guess we settled that! Maybe blocking and deleting might be the correct course of action now. I dunno, I would.
katiegrl Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 ^^And yeah by agreeing to those "last minute hangouts" and with his friends no less, especially when you had never even been out with him before... you did choose him and IMO you chose poorly. Sorry LL ... I realize that was harsh. Good luck moving forward!
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 ^^And yeah by agreeing to those "last minute hangouts" and with his friends no less, especially when you had never even been out with him before... you did choose him and IMO you chose poorly. The alternative would've been to sit at home or go out by myself, which I'm not against doing, but I don't particularly enjoy it as much. I wanted to go out and have a good time. That's what I did. I just don't like the way he proceeded to run his game on me hardcore (lie) the entire weekend. I've done the same with other guys who didn't do that. Like I said earlier, I wasn't looking for a date. I wanted to hang out and have a good time. I don't regret the weekend at all. I regret letting his smooth words sink into my head.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 Alrighty then.... I guess we settled that! Maybe blocking and deleting might be the correct course of action now. I dunno, I would. Oh, I deleted his number on Monday. I've never blocked anyone. I don't think him contacting me will be an issue.
katiegrl Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 The alternative would've been to sit at home or go out by myself, which I'm not against doing, but I don't particularly enjoy it as much. I wanted to go out and have a good time. That's what I did. I just don't like the way he proceeded to run his game on me hardcore (lie) the entire weekend. I've done the same with other guys who didn't do that. Like I said earlier, I wasn't looking for a date. I wanted to hang out and have a good time. I don't regret the weekend at all. I regret letting his smooth words sink into my head. Okay fair enough....
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 ^^And yeah by agreeing to those "last minute hangouts" and with his friends no less, especially when you had never even been out with him before... you did choose him and IMO you chose poorly. I think you're referring to dating rules #117a and #117b: never be too available and never agree to last-minute plans. I'm very familiar with these rules, as they're covered extensively in the aforementioned dating blogs, forums, books, etc. that I read. The ones you and my friend call "garbage." Haha
katiegrl Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 (edited) I think you're referring to dating rules #117a and #117b: never be too available and never agree to last-minute plans. I'm very familiar with these rules, as they're covered extensively in the aforementioned dating blogs, forums, books, etc. that I read. The ones you and my friend call "garbage." Haha LOL @ haha I am not familiar with those "rules" but I did read the book The Rules (is that the book you are referring to?) and thought it was a piece of crap mostly, although a few things were true enough, which I had always done anyway. Mostly I just go by my gut and what works for and feels comfortable to me. I have certainly accepted last minute invites before too, especially when dating a guy a few times, I have no problem with that. But they were actual dates ... and not "hangouts" with his friends, and it wasn't the first time being out together either. That wouldn't fly with me personally unless we were just friends, and if that were the case, then I would call some of my friends and we would all hang out! But hey if you were okay with that, then that's all that matters -- you do YOU (as they say). I am glad you did not succumb to his charms though .... and have sex with him! Be proud of yourself for that! Movin on... Edited April 1, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 I'm definitely doing me, that's for sure. Yes, I'll view this as a victory. Curious to read others' opinions as well, after divulging the back story.
Jejangles Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 I'm definitely doing me, that's for sure. Yes, I'll view this as a victory. Curious to read others' opinions as well, after divulging the back story. Now having the full story, he sounds like a guy out for a casual fun time. I think the only lesson from this one is don't listen to a guy's words until he follows them up with actions! I doubt you're going to hear from him and even if you do, I would decline an invite. He should have been in touch with you this week if he wanted to see you again, the vague plans you made were not enough. And all I can say on the rules you outlined is you won't need those when you meet a guy who is seriously interested in a relationship. Everyone says it but it's true... it will just be easy with the guy who is interested in the long term, you won't even need to second guess his intentions. You will just be able to focus on whether he's the right guy for you! 1
AMJ Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 I'm definitely doing me, that's for sure. Yes, I'll view this as a victory. Curious to read others' opinions as well, after divulging the back story. Ok. I probably just skimmed over your story initially, but I had the impression you hung out with him all weekend doing various activities. It took a minute to piece together the whole picture. You met him at a concert a while back, he lives in a town nearby- how far away does he live?- and when he was in town last weekend, he was blowing up your phone all night/day. You guys hung out at the bar with his friends, but you didn't go home with him. Got it. I think the guy definitely likes you, and definitely wanted to hook up with you, of course. But he views the distance as an obstacle, and also probably isn't looking for a serious relationship (then again, how often are guys you meet in a bar/concert actually looking for a serious relationship)? He's not a creep or a bad guy. I say he probably does still want to hang out with you. I'm actually not really sure what you're expecting from him? You don't really know him that well. From his perspective, you met up with him at a bar and had no interest in the daytime activities- getting coffee, walking the dog, going to brunch- which are all pretty date-like activities. You guys kiss, go your separate ways, and then he never hears from you. And he was the one doing all the initiating. It's safe to say he thinks you're not interested.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 Now having the full story, he sounds like a guy out for a casual fun time. I think the only lesson from this one is don't listen to a guy's words until he follows them up with actions! I doubt you're going to hear from him and even if you do, I would decline an invite. He should have been in touch with you this week if he wanted to see you again, the vague plans you made were not enough. And all I can say on the rules you outlined is you won't need those when you meet a guy who is seriously interested in a relationship. Everyone says it but it's true... it will just be easy with the guy who is interested in the long term, you won't even need to second guess his intentions. You will just be able to focus on whether he's the right guy for you! Yes, I agree. I don't think I'm going to hear from him again. It's now Friday and nothing. Oh well. Lesson learned. Everyone does say that, and I hope I get to experience it some day. I've pretty much lost hope, though.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 I think the guy definitely likes you, and definitely wanted to hook up with you, of course. But he views the distance as an obstacle, and also probably isn't looking for a serious relationship (then again, how often are guys you meet in a bar/concert actually looking for a serious relationship)? He's not a creep or a bad guy. I say he probably does still want to hang out with you. Yep, you got it. Sorry, the way we met was a little confusing. I should've explained that better when I started the thread. He lives about an hour away, so yes, that could be an issue. I don't think the fact that he was at a live show has anything to do with whether or not he's looking for a serious relationship. If it was just a bar, I'd say yeah, because bars are known for being "meet" markets, but this was a show. I know plenty of people who have met their SOs at concerts. My co-worker met her husband of 10 years at a concert. It's just people coming together over music. As opposed to people coming together solely for booze. I'm actually not really sure what you're expecting from him? You don't really know him that well. From his perspective, you met up with him at a bar and had no interest in the daytime activities- getting coffee, walking the dog, going to brunch- which are all pretty date-like activities. You guys kiss, go your separate ways, and then he never hears from you. And he was the one doing all the initiating. It's safe to say he thinks you're not interested. I was expecting to at least hear from him at some point during the week to solidify the plans we made last weekend. It's not that I didn't have any interest in the day time activities he suggested. He asked me to do those things the day of, and I already had other plans. These were plans that I made previously and they involved my friends, so I wasn't going to break them for a last-minute invite from a guy I don't really know. I did, however, express that I wanted to do those things, but that I couldn't - "I'd love to, but I can't, because I'm doing xyz!"
AMJ Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 I know plenty of people who have met their SOs at concerts. My co-worker met her husband of 10 years at a concert. It's just people coming together over music. As opposed to people coming together solely for booze. What kind of concert was this? You both were drinking when you met though, right? I'm not saying people don't meet and hit it off at bars or concerts or anywhere, for that matter. The bigger issue is living an hour away. I was expecting to at least hear from him at some point during the week to solidify the plans we made last weekend. It's not that I didn't have any interest in the day time activities he suggested. He asked me to do those things the day of, and I already had other plans. These were plans that I made previously and they involved my friends, so I wasn't going to break them for a last-minute invite from a guy I don't really know. I did, however, express that I wanted to do those things, but that I couldn't - "I'd love to, but I can't, because I'm doing xyz!" I'm also not saying that you should have ditched your friends for last minute plans with this guy. However, can't you see your friends whenever you want? Versus a guy you like who lives an hour away? Why were your plans with your friends so important? Yes, he should have arranged plans to meet you much much sooner than the day of, and I know it looks lame to be so available and just ditch your plans for a guy you barely know. I know all the rules. I also know, when I'm really interested in someone, I do not care about rules. But from his perspective, he lives an hour away, and clearly really wanted to see you. He asked you to come out with him in the daytime not once, but like three times. So, he thinks you're not really that interested. And you both may not be compatible. You're a planner, and want structure. He's spontaneous and doesn't want to plan.
katiegrl Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 (edited) What kind of concert was this? You both were drinking when you met though, right? I'm not saying people don't meet and hit it off at bars or concerts or anywhere, for that matter. The bigger issue is living an hour away. Oh please an hour away is nothing. I used to commute an hour each way to work every day when I lived in North County and worked downtown. Many people do. I think if he were really attracted to/interested in LL, to the point of wanting to actually date her (as opposed to her "hanging out" with him and his friends, and then "hooking up" afterwards)... the distance would NOT be an issue. So let's forget that. I think he was in LL's area, looking to party, down for some casual sex, contacted LL, and proceeded to lay it on thick with all the promises, money spent, etc and when she turned him down for sex, he shrugged his shoulders, said oh well and went home. Edited April 1, 2016 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 (edited) But from his perspective, he lives an hour away, and clearly really wanted to see you. He asked you to come out with him in the daytime not once, but like three times. So, he thinks you're not really that interested. He doesn't think she's interested because she didn't jump like a puppy and break her already-made plans when he called last minute asking her to hang out with him and his friends? Are you serious? I don't think it would have mattered a hill of beans whether they got together during the day, or when they actually did, later on. His friends were there, and they were going to be there no matter when they got together. What man who is truly interested in actually dating a woman calls last minute wanting her to hang out with him and his friends? Daytime or night time? We're not in high school anymore. If he were interested in actually dating her and perhaps pursuing a RL with her, he would have called her (ideally, in advance) and ASKED HER OUT ON A DATE. NOT to join him (and his friends) doing a bunch of activities... or later at a bar, and then lay it on thick (while his friends were there) and attempt to get her into bed! Come on now. Edited April 1, 2016 by katiegrl 2
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 What kind of concert was this? You both were drinking when you met though, right? I'm not saying people don't meet and hit it off at bars or concerts or anywhere, for that matter. The bigger issue is living an hour away. It was an indie rock show. I don't recall if he had been drinking, but I had one drink that night. I definitely wasn't drunk, and he didn't seem to be either. Yes, I agree. The distance could be an issue. Why were your plans with your friends so important? These are friends I hadn't seen in a while. They live close, but we rarely get together. Additionally, one of these friends used to have a bad habit of cancelling on me at the last minute. I say “used to,” because I raised a big stink about how rude and inconsiderate that is, so this friend no longer does it. I’d be a bit of a hypocrite if I turned around and did the exact thing I was raising a stink about. Plus, I value my friendships a great deal. If this guy and I were in a LTR, I might’ve considered cancelling on them, but we’re not. New guys should never come before friends, in my book. But from his perspective, he lives an hour away, and clearly really wanted to see you. He asked you to come out with him in the daytime not once, but like three times. So, he thinks you're not really that interested. I do see what you’re saying. He did suggest multiple daytime activities that wouldn’t have been conducive to a booty call at all. I hadn’t really thought about that until now, which makes this even more confusing. And you both may not be compatible. You're a planner, and want structure. He's spontaneous and doesn't want to plan. This is a possibility, but it’s something I’m willing to compromise on. I’m only a planner because of my job, and sometimes, I’m a little too rigid about it. I wasn’t like that before I got into my current profession, so I understand being spontaneous as well.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 What man who is truly interested in actually dating a woman calls last minute wanting her to hang out with him and his friends? Just wanted to add... his friends weren't around during these day time activities. It would've just been he and I. But again, I couldn't join him, because I had other plans.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 If he were interested in actually dating her and perhaps pursuing a RL with her, he would have called her (ideally, in advance) and ASKED HER OUT ON A DATE. But yes - I agree - It would have been nice if he had set up some sort of plan during the week before, especially if he already knew he was going to be in town. So, daytime dates = not looking for a booty call? Not setting up a date in advance = looking for a booty call? I don't know. It's confusing, but I guess we've officially reached the point where it doesn't matter. It is now Friday (the beginning of the weekend), and I've heard nothing. That's a very clear indication that he is no longer interested (in booty OR dating).
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