Author Lovelorn00 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Posted March 31, 2016 Just curious but have you contacted him? I mean he did take you out, spend money, etc.... so wondering if you ever contacted him and thanked him for the great time? Reading this board, it's been advised (by the men) that doing that after a great date (especially when the guy planned it and spent a lot of $$) is a good idea and that a man actually needs that, or at the very least, would appreciate it. Just a quick text thanking him for the great time, tis all. It takes two after all. I don't know, just playing devil's advocate here. But then again, he could be just a d-wad. I've thought about it, but I can't decide if that's a good idea. This is the great debate - to text or not to text? Half the folks on this forum would say that I would look desperate being the first to reach out. That if there was actual interest, he would've contacted me by now, especially considering the fact that we made plans to see each other this upcoming weekend. The other half would say that the girl should feel free to contact him first and to stop adhering to gender roles. I honestly don't know what to do, Katiegrl. I made myself a promise that I'd reach out by today, but I don't know if I can. It’s entirely possible that these exact same thoughts are going through his head: “Why hasn’t she contacted me? I thought we had a great time?” I just don’t know. I was utterly embarrassed and beating myself up when I started this thread. Thanks to you guys, I’ve been able to shift my perspective and see things in a more positive light. If I contact him, and he confirms that he did indeed only want sex from me, I’m afraid the embarrassment will come flooding back in.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Posted March 31, 2016 Yes LL, I'm also curious... How did you guys end things? You said you had made plans for this week-end but aren't holding your breath. What sort of plans did you make? My now boyfriend and I had a pattern for the first month. We would have a date, have a brief chat via text after the first date making a plan for the next date then have no contact until the day before or day of to confirm the date. That worked for me, I didn't want to be in constant contact until we were further into the relationship. Now we are three months in and in contact in some form every day, for a lot of the day. But we definitely started slow. We made plans to go hiking and explore a local park together, since we both love the outdoors. He did mention that he "hated texting" because it was impossible to detect the other person's tone or intention over text, but he texted me quite a bit last weekend, trying to get me to hang out.
bluefeather Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I've thought about it, but I can't decide if that's a good idea. This is the great debate - to text or not to text? Half the folks on this forum would say that I would look desperate being the first to reach out. That if there was actual interest, he would've contacted me by now, especially considering the fact that we made plans to see each other this upcoming weekend. The other half would say that the girl should feel free to contact him first and to stop adhering to gender roles. I honestly don't know what to do, Katiegrl. I made myself a promise that I'd reach out by today, but I don't know if I can. It’s entirely possible that these exact same thoughts are going through his head: “Why hasn’t she contacted me? I thought we had a great time?” I just don’t know. I was utterly embarrassed and beating myself up when I started this thread. Thanks to you guys, I’ve been able to shift my perspective and see things in a more positive light. If I contact him, and he confirms that he did indeed only want sex from me, I’m afraid the embarrassment will come flooding back in. Like I said, we're all just so afraid. If you wanted to try being with him, you should have called him. Maybe he should have done the same if he also wanted to be with you. But you won't know unless someone initiates contact. And you're too scared over here wondering if you should text - a most immature and easily misunderstood form of communication. If you're both the same, both of you will suffer from the lack of each other. That will be the consequence. 1
Jejangles Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 We made plans to go hiking and explore a local park together, since we both love the outdoors. He did mention that he "hated texting" because it was impossible to detect the other person's tone or intention over text, but he texted me quite a bit last weekend, trying to get me to hang out. Did you set a time or day or just "we should hike next week-end?" I think if you had plans, you should check in very casually and see if you're still on. You have nothing to be embarrassed about! If he ignores you or bails on the plans, you know where you stand and can walk away. If he gets back to you and shows interest, meet up with him. Just try to keep your feet on the ground and trust his actions more than his words! 1
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) I've thought about it, but I can't decide if that's a good idea. This is the great debate - to text or not to text? Half the folks on this forum would say that I would look desperate being the first to reach out. That if there was actual interest, he would've contacted me by now, especially considering the fact that we made plans to see each other this upcoming weekend. The other half would say that the girl should feel free to contact him first and to stop adhering to gender roles. JMO but what you should have done is sent a quick text the following day after the date just saying thanks for the great time! See you soon! Or something like that. I mean you guys did make plans for this weekend, so saying see you soon would have been perfectly appropriate. And I definitely think a quick thank you the following day would have been appropriate too. No NOT too desperate at all... in fact, like I said, doing that the next day is very much advised, especially considering he planned everything and spent a lot of $$. Anyway, that's what I would have done, and what I always do. In fact after a great first date with a new guy I am now seeing (almost two months now and we just became exclusive last weekend after first time having sex), I did just that, and he immediately responded back saying HE had a great time too and was looking forward to seeing me again. But now four days later, it's probably too late for that. Oh well. Edited March 31, 2016 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) I've thought about it, but I can't decide if that's a good idea. This is the great debate - to text or not to text? Half the folks on this forum would say that I would look desperate being the first to reach out. That if there was actual interest, he would've contacted me by now, especially considering the fact that we made plans to see each other this upcoming weekend. The other half would say that the girl should feel free to contact him first and to stop adhering to gender roles. I honestly don't know what to do, Katiegrl. I made myself a promise that I'd reach out by today, but I don't know if I can. It’s entirely possible that these exact same thoughts are going through his head: “Why hasn’t she contacted me? I thought we had a great time?” I just don’t know. I was utterly embarrassed and beating myself up when I started this thread. Thanks to you guys, I’ve been able to shift my perspective and see things in a more positive light. If I contact him, and he confirms that he did indeed only want sex from me, I’m afraid the embarrassment will come flooding back in. Look if you really like him, send him a quick text asking him how his week has been and that you're looking forward to seeing him this weekend. That's all.... that is NOT too desperate. Hell put yourself in HIS shoes. He takes the time to plan the date, spends a boatload of money, you turn him down for sex (which for the record I am glad you did) but then DON'T even bother sending him a quick text the next day thanking him for the date! What do you expect him to think? In a way I don't blame him for not contacting you. I dunno, just playing devil's advocate like I said, but I can really see HIS side too. Remember it takes TWO. Give and take. He gave you a lot on your date (planning, $$), honestly LL, you really should have sent that quick text the next day thanking him. Send it now. JMO!! Edited March 31, 2016 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) LL, don't be mad at me for saying this, but I think one of your issues is that you have been faded and ghosted on so many times by so-called "players," that every guy you meet you presume is a player, and damn it, through hell or high water, you are gonna make him prove otherwise! And you're not gonna give much (if anything) until he does! And by proving it, I mean you essentially expect him to chase you. While you sit back passively doing nothing. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can't speak for the guys, but just from reading this board, that is NOT gonna fly with most guys.... In fact, at this point, I am inclined to think that if this guy were a player, he WOULD be chasing you... and least until getting sex. But since he's not, and expects YOU to participate in the give and take, that he's NOT a player. Again I don't know this guy so of course I am just speculating. But what have you got to lose? If he responds back, fabulous, have another great date and maintain your boundaries (no sex). If he doesn't respond back, so what? You are in the same exact position you are now. YOU are the one in control here, NOT him. Edited March 31, 2016 by katiegrl 3
Author Lovelorn00 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Posted March 31, 2016 Did you set a time or day or just "we should hike next week-end?" I think if you had plans, you should check in very casually and see if you're still on. You have nothing to be embarrassed about! If he ignores you or bails on the plans, you know where you stand and can walk away. If he gets back to you and shows interest, meet up with him. Just try to keep your feet on the ground and trust his actions more than his words! We didn’t. He basically initiated the “when can I see you again?” conversation, and we both agreed to see each other this weekend. The park was the agreed-upon activity, but we did not set a time or date. I figured that would happen as we got closer to the weekend. Keep in mind, these plans were made before I made it clear that we wouldn't be sleeping together that night. I just re-read your post from earlier. You and your now boyfriend would sometimes confirm the day of? Didn’t that drive you crazy? Maybe it’s just me. I’m a project manager by profession, so most of my day is built on concrete plans and dates, etc. Not knowing the plan until the day of would drive me mad. Haha
Jejangles Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 We didn’t. He basically initiated the “when can I see you again?” conversation, and we both agreed to see each other this weekend. The park was the agreed-upon activity, but we did not set a time or date. I figured that would happen as we got closer to the weekend. Keep in mind, these plans were made before I made it clear that we wouldn't be sleeping together that night. I just re-read your post from earlier. You and your now boyfriend would sometimes confirm the day of? Didn’t that drive you crazy? Maybe it’s just me. I’m a project manager by profession, so most of my day is built on concrete plans and dates, etc. Not knowing the plan until the day of would drive me mad. Haha Ok, that's not really a plan then... I probably wouldn't bother following up on that. See if he contacts you but if he was going to I would think it would be today at the latest. When I say we would confirm day of, I mean confirm we were still on! We always had a day and at least vague time set within 24 hours of our previous date. So we'd say dinner on Friday after work, then he would usually text me the evening before or morning of to set up an exact time and place. It worked, he never set my anxiety off at all! I just knew he was reliable from day one (and he has been 100% for 3 months now). I found having a firm date set up right after the previous kept all my anxiety at bay.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Posted March 31, 2016 LL, don't be mad at me for saying this, but I think one of your issues is that you have been faded and ghosted on so many times by so-called "players," that every guy you meet you presume is a player, and damn it, through hell or high water, you are gonna make him prove otherwise! And you're not gonna give much (if anything) until he does! And by proving it, I mean you essentially expect him to chase you. While you sit back passively doing nothing. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can't speak for the guys, but just from reading this board, that is NOT gonna fly with most guys.... In fact, at this point, I am inclined to think that if this guy were a player, he WOULD be chasing you... and least until getting sex. But since he's not, and expects YOU to participate in the give and take, that he's NOT a player. Again I don't know this guy so of course I am just speculating. But what have you got to lose? If he responds back, fabulous, have another great date and maintain your boundaries (no sex). If he doesn't respond back, so what? You are in the same exact position you are now. YOU are the one in control here, NOT him. My best girlfriend actually said the EXACT same thing to me yesterday. She actually got super upset with me, she was SO mad. “Why do you ALWAYS do this?!” she yelled. Haha! She said I’m setting these guys up to fail. That I’m expecting them to disappoint me, so that’s what ends up happening. I tell her that most of my actions are based on the advice of many (blogs, forums, magazines, books, research, therapists, doctors), because I suck so bad at dating. I take the advice that’s repeated the most: 1) If he’s not contacting you first, he’s not interested. 2) If he’s not contacting you at all, he’s DEFINITELY not interested. 3) All men are players (thanks, Jabron1) and can’t be trusted. 4) All men are just looking for sex (some of them just end up accidentally falling in love along the way). 5) Men chase, women don’t. It’s our biological nature. I could list a lot more, but you get the idea.
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) 1) If he’s not contacting you first, he’s not interested. 2) If he’s not contacting you at all, he’s DEFINITELY not interested. 3) All men are players (thanks, Jabron1) and can’t be trusted. 4) All men are just looking for sex (some of them just end up accidentally falling in love along the way). 5) Men chase, women don’t. It’s our biological nature. 1) Sure he should contact you first to set up the date. But you said in your OP you "ran into this Cassanova and he spent the entire weekend wooing you and trying to get you into bed." What do you mean you "ran into him"? Did he approach you? Ask you out? In any event, sure the guy should contact you first and ask you out. But does that mean he is supposed to contact you first during your entire RL? At one point do you think the woman should reach out too? After he commits to her? And do you not think the woman should be reaching out too? Like after a nice date, thanking him for the date? If not, why not? 2) Perhaps he's tired of doing all the chasing and would like the woman to reach out too once in awhile. I know plenty of guys who have stopped contacting a woman or ghosted her for just that reason. They are sick of doing all the contacting, all the initiating and all the work! 3) Okay this is just FALSE. 4) Sure they are looking for sex. But that is not necessarily "all" they are looking for! Many want a RL in addition to sex. 5) Players chase. Men who want RLs expect reciprocation from the women they date, and if they're not getting it, they're gonna walk. I would recommend you stop reading this garbage, it's screwing you up big time! And causing the very thing you DON'T want to happen TO happen. I mean you just told us virtually (or is it literally) every many you have gotten involved with has faded or ghosted. So whatever you're learning from reading this garbage and implementing into your dating experiences is obviously NOT working. Edited March 31, 2016 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) LL, why don't you try something different? That's how I learned what worked and what didn't, and I have NEVER been faded or ghosted on. Even during my OLD stint many years ago, I met many guys, dated a few for a bit, and none of them faded or ghosted - I was the one to call it quits for various reasons. That said, I have made PLENTY of mistakes too, and through those mistakes, I learned what worked and what didn't. I also learned that what one guy liked and positively responded to, another guy didn't as much. You just have to use your intuition and go by your gut and judge each situation and each guy differently. Take a chance, take a risk. If it doesn't work, move on. So what, will you die if it doesn't work? No. With respect to your current situation.... why not send him a quick text and see how he responds? If he responds positively, then you have just learned that guys have feelings too... and need to feel appreciated for what they do. And that perhaps they are just as nervous as you are. If he doesn't respond, then well, you are no worse off than you are right now. Like I said, had you sent him the next day text thanking him and he had not responded, THAT would be different. But after taking you out, showing you a great time, spending lots of $$$, to not even get so much as a thank you text afterwards, is pretty cold IMO. I'm sorry LL, don't mean to be so harsh, but you know your friend IS right on this one, don't you? Take a chance!! Edited March 31, 2016 by katiegrl
Jabron1 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 1) If he’s not contacting you first, he’s not interested. 2) If he’s not contacting you at all, he’s DEFINITELY not interested The women here are in a far better position than I am to tell you about men's communication habits. 3) All men are players (thanks, Jabron1) and can’t be trusted. We're all players - men and women. Some of us are just more honest about it than others. That doesn't make everyone evil though . You aren't are you? I don't think I am either Every man just has his own method of doing things with regards to getting a girl - otherwise known as 'game'. My little cousin asked me for advice at Christmas regarding a girl that he'd been messaging with for weeks. He's a sweet kid, and very naive. He showed me the messages: she'd been telling him all of her problems, and venting about her ex. His messages were just trying to show her he understood her, and giving her compliments. You can imagine how aghast I was. He thought that the way to get her affection was by listening to her crap. I asked him if he had invited her on a date: he said 'I'm waiting for her to' . Quintessential 'nice-guy' game. The kid was just doing what he thought women wanted. 4) All men are just looking for sex (some of them just end up accidentally falling in love along the way). Sex is what motivates us, and is the priority above all else. But we aren't just looking for sex. We actually have feelings too (don't tell anyone I said that). 5) Men chase, women don’t. It’s our biological nature. Men will go after what they want, if the motivation is sufficient. I've seen the shyest guys do the craziest things when he wants a woman bad enough. If a guy is more motivated by fear than desire, then that's his problem to deal with. I agree with the others about sending a 'thank you' text. You should probably do that from now on. I always appreciate when a woman does this. I think the main thing you should take away from this thread is what Versacehottie suggested earlier: take things a bit less seriously. This bolded it what stood out to me in the latest of what's happened to you. I have one question for you: why are you getting your hopes up about a guy you have known two days? I don't even need to know what kind of person he is or what bad thing he's done. You need to let people into your life and your hopes a little bit at a time and only more if they've proven themselves to you. I'm not saying you can't be excited or go with the flow. But there should be no real investment. No future thoughts. Sounds extreme but when you repeatedly come back to the thoughts you are having I don't really see another way. You need to have fun with these guys and take their shenanigans with a grain of salt...as they're happening. I believe in some way you showed your hand to him about your "hopes". The smart way to go about it is to not get that invested. He's fun, he's amusing. I can't take him seriously because I've known him around 48 hours. That's what I would do. I think I remember you like concerts or festivals, right? Haven't you ever been at some event like that and the whole thing is a fun blur with friends, new acquaintances, guys you make out with, whatever? In a situation like that your mindset isn't really about getting your hopes up or finding the right guy. It's just having fun; no expectation of how anyone you meet would end up in your life. Try that approach. Good luck 2
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) I think the main thing you should take away from this thread is what Versacehottie suggested earlier: take things a bit less seriously. I have always found that it's much easier to take a risk ... when I don't care as much, like in the beginning stages (first few dates). And that risk I took (whatever it was, like maybe, gasp, asking HIM to do something instead of waiting for him to ask me).... turned out to be a positive and worked in my favor! LL, this is like your perfect opportunity to try something different and break away from your typical pattern of expecting the guy to chase. You are NOT that invested, and have absolutely NOTHING to lose here. And no one is even suggesting you chase. Just a quick follow up text. That's it! Let him take it from there, and if he's interested he will. I dunno maybe I'm different but I enjoy taking chances and trying new things. Again, that's how I learn what works and what doesn't so much. Still taking chances and still learning! Edited March 31, 2016 by katiegrl
Jabron1 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I dunno maybe I'm different but I enjoy taking chances and trying new things. Again, that's how I learn what works and what doesn't so much. Still taking chances and still learning! Same. But that requires a shift in mindset, and a devil may care attitude that I don't think she currently has. Seriously OP, f*ck it. Don't take this stuff so seriously 2
ilovemefirst Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Uhh maybe you should change ur mindset. We attract what we expect. You expect all these guys to be bad, and hence u are getting the bad ones. Try telling yourself u deserve better and see how the good guys come in. Also, give it time...dont try so hard. 2
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Same. But that requires a shift in mindset, and a devil may care attitude that I don't think she currently has. Seriously OP, f*ck it. Don't take this stuff so seriously Another thing I have learned that does not apply to OP's current situation (but perhaps her previous experiences) is that when I feel mad, to get mad! Not go ballistic or anything but definitely speak up and speak my mind when something troubles me. I have learned that men really like being called out on their shyt... Jabron can you confirm this? When you behave like a shyt (okay extreme) but when you know you're behaving badly (and most men do) don't you secretly (or not so secretly) enjoy being called out for it? As opposed to having the woman roll over, play nice, and pretend to be all cool about it.... like it doesn't bother her and/or act like all is okay? I used to be super passive and never said a word when my boyfriends behaved badly, or did something that troubled me. Until my last ex (the one I was with for six years and engaged to until last December) did something shytty early on in our RL, which he knew was shytty -- cept I did not get mad thinking I needed to be the "cool chick" -- and HE ended up getting mad at me and told me that I should be FURIOUS with him!! It actually annoyed him that I DID NOT get mad! So yeah that was a BIG lesson learned! From then on when I felt mad, I would get mad, we would talk about it, resolve it ... and all was great again. So many mistakes, so many lessons. 1
Jabron1 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Another thing I have learned that does not apply to OP's current situation (but perhaps her previous experiences) is that when I feel mad, to get mad! Not go ballistic or anything but definitely speak up and speak my mind when something troubles me. I have learned that men really like being called out on their shyt... Jabron can you confirm this? When you behave like a shyt (okay extreme) but when you know you're behaving badly (and most men do) don't you secretly (or not so secretly) enjoy being called out for it? As opposed to having the woman roll over, play nice, and pretend to be all cool about it.... like it doesn't bother her and/or act like all is okay? I expect it, and think a woman should give as good as she gets. All part of the fun Real disrespect (flaking on plans, talking down to you, cheating, etc) should be stomped on immediately though. No one is going to respect someone that doesn't respect themselves. 2
Author Lovelorn00 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Posted March 31, 2016 guys have feelings too Wait, what? They do?
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I expect it, and think a woman should give as good as she gets. All part of the fun Real disrespect (flaking on plans, talking down to you, cheating, etc) should be stomped on immediately though. No one is going to respect someone that doesn't respect themselves. Well cheating would NEVER be tolerated but I have had guys talk down to me, and I never said anything, until I learned to speak UP, and after that I would never ever tolerate being talked down to -- EVER. Early on, my ex DID flake on plans though, he chose to play basketball instead and not even tell me - which really hurt me, pissed me off, but being passive and thinking I needed to be the "cool" chick ... I let is slide... like SO many women do. THAT is the incident that caused him to get mad at ME and tell me that I should be FURIOUS, and that was a huge wake up call for me! It was very early on in our RL, and to this day I still wonder if he was somehow "testing" me to see how I would react... but not sure. Or maybe he just felt guilty and when I forgave him and didn't make it a big deal, he still felt really guilty. By my getting angry at him, maybe he thought he could switch it around on me -- who knows! But after that, whenever he did something that hurt me or angered me, I would speak up definitely! Get angry if warranted. He never did flake on me again though, which was good. 1
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Wait, what? They do? Go ask Jabron -- he admitted the same!
Jabron1 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 Go ask Jabron -- he admitted the same! No I never.
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 No I never. We actually have feelings too (don't tell anyone I said that). ten characters
joystickd Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 I'm so sick of being faded on, stood up, ghosted on, lied to, cheated on, and just generally emotionally stomped on by guys. I stopped dating a couple of months ago for this reason. I can no longer trust men. Like, at all. I've been told my whole dating life that my "picker" is broken, but I'm not picking these guys. They're picking me, because I apparently have "please treat me like crap" written on my forehead. Sorry for the rant, but I ran into a Casanova over the weekend who spent two days wooing me and lying to me in attempt to get me into bed and then ghosted. I wasn't even trying this time. I'm not actively looking for dates or a relationship like I used to be. I was just out, enjoying my life, minding my own business, and I still managed to get blindsided by an a*****e. That's on me for getting my hopes up, but I'm just kinda sick of it. Men get the same crap. We get used to meet emotional needs, flaked on, etc. The struggle is no different. It's a part of dating. Deal with it. It won't change until you change
Jabron1 Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 ...my dog must have walked across my keyboard... ...I was drunk. I was drunk, and my dog walked across my keyboard. Let's move the subject on Lovelorn, you gonna text that guy? 3
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