I'm Sick Of The BS

[Lovelorn00]

Just want to clarify... I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH THIS MAN. I repeat: I DID NOT SLEEP WITH THIS MAN.

[SwordofFlame]

No offense OP, but this sounds like the female equivalent to men getting bitter/frustrated when he gets rejected by women repeatedly. They come on LS to make a post to complain about it. I agree that you just need to "roll with the punches" better.

[Mccoy321]

To be fair, if you're this easy to woo, I don't really feel for you.

 

 

Everywhere you go in life there are guys who are not like this. But I would guess you don't give them a second thought.

 

 

You dig your own grave.

[Lovelorn00]

No offense OP, but this sounds like the female equivalent to men getting bitter/frustrated when he gets rejected by women repeatedly. They come on LS to make a post to complain about it. I agree that you just need to "roll with the punches" better.

 

‘Twas a bit of a rant, yes. I’m irritated about a recent dating experience. Isn’t that what this place is for?

[Jabron1]

No offense OP, but this sounds like the female equivalent to men getting bitter/frustrated when he gets rejected by women repeatedly. They come on LS to make a post to complain about it. I agree that you just need to "roll with the punches" better.

 

Thanks, thecrucible. I’m rooting for us both as well! I just get a little tired of always beating myself up and taking the full blame for these things. “YOU don’t love yourself enough.” “YOU pick the wrong guys.” “YOU are too naive.” Consider this crazy idea, if you will. At the end of the day, what if – WHAT IF – there are just a lot of a******s out there right now. What if it has less to do with us not loving ourselves enough and more to do with the sheer concentration of a******s out there in the dating pool right now? What if our current dating culture is to blame? What if it’s the “swipe-right-hook-up-once-then-ghost” culture that we’re attempting to navigate? What if it’s all of those things together? I didn’t sleep with this guy. I didn’t fall in love with him. I didn’t marry him. I didn’t get knocked up by him. He’s gone. I was just expressing my frustration that there are people out there in the world like this. It makes me sad. Wars, murderers, and sick babies also make me sad, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love myself. Overall, I had a fun weekend with this guy. It just sucks to get ghosted on when I was looking forward to doing more fun things with this person.

 

That became more of a side rant – sorry.

 

Eh.

 

Have a good vent, and try and learn something. Just don't carry this bad vibe around with you in real life.

[Jersey born raised]

I guess women are raised to be passive. At least that way you don't get to be the bad guy by dumping a "nice guy" because of the "no real spark".

 

I am going to PM you a post by a "reformed" player and how he operated and a poster on how an EA/PA can occur with a long age ex. Change the wording and it can apply to any situation including a "how to seduce a married woman 101 in a players hand book.

 

Read them, own them. At least you avoid losers. Oh, by the way the how an EA occurs you can use to meet guys that might actually work out.

 

Remember long term love is both a reaction to your spouse and a choice. Own your choice your life will be much better.

[Lovelorn00]

Eh.

 

Have a good vent, and try and learn something. Just don't carry this bad vibe around with you in real life.

 

Thanks, Jabron1! I'm learning that I need to get off of this forum. Haha!

[Lovelorn00]

This happened to me too. I spent 5yrs supposedly learning to love myself, fix my issues etc and walked straight into one of the worst relationships to date that left me shattered and with PTSD.

 

Often when we think we are facing issues we are really just putting a happy sticker on top of it. Looking back at myself. Yes I was indulging in my interests, yes I got a new job I loved, yes I was enjoying time on my own. But that's all I was really doing. While it was nice excursion into the realm of nurturing my interests it still failed to go deep to the heart of the issue. The end of that terrible relationship actually went to the heart of the issue.

 

I was dating my mother, who is basically a narcissist. I'd been programmed into accepting non-reciprocal relationship arrangements and thinking that was love. When it was just self-denial, abuse and hatred. I stayed in these non-reciprocal relationships continually trying to turn myself inside out in order to make the relationship right. But that's an impossibility with someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

 

It's only now after reliving the nightmare that was my childhood with a romantic partner that I became fully cognisant of what the real issue was. I discovered that nurturing your interests, hobbies etc isn't the real work in life. It's a nice little by-product of healthy self esteem, but it won't give you healthy self-esteem. Only becoming aware of the issues will do that. From my place of non-awareness and just trying to mimic someone with healthy self-esteem I was still a beacon of light to abusive personalities and I still allowed that situation to establish itself in my life and I persisted in my old habit of trying to make their behaviour right with my own.

 

Now, after reliving the trauma, after facing the reality of things and seeing my familial relationships as the root cause, after learning to deal with the aftermath of trauma in myself. Only now am I able to have some semblance of reciprocation in relationships. Sadly I'm still not fully healed and I'm impaired in my present ability to love fully again. But I'm working on that everyday.

 

Thanks, Buddhist. I hope you find your ability to love again. It's in there.

[Jersey born raised]

So I PMed you the posts. I hope they help ground you.

 

In any event I am 60 years old. So strange to say. In my twenties I read about "courting" but thought it cold and unromantic so I rejected it. I am not talking about a match maker. Instead courting took the view of marriage as a contract in which all the details where mashed out ahead of time. Hidden assumptions (we all have them, have you experienced the thought " god ! When did I become my parents yet?)

 

So courting was like eharmony on super steroids. I am not talking about how often a spouse gets intercourse no if ands or about. Instead it would be about how to deal with exs, how each of you know to talk to each other. The web site 5 love languages has an excellent post on the subject. It is a pay site, that also promotes a book, but still that opening post is an eye opener. I urge you to read it,

 

Take care.

[Jejangles]

Getting ghosted sucks! It seriously is the worst, and I think it's totally acceptable to be annoyed by it.

 

My advice is to keep plugging away. You will never be perfect or totally ready to date. But you learn something through every failure, and then hopefully one day a guy will come along who you will click with and who will click with you.

 

I've shared quite often that I struggled with dating for about 5 years! I met guys who seemed great then were emotionally unavailable, players, liars, you name it I met it. Or if they weren't crappy, I wasn't attracted to them. A year ago, after dating a player for a few weeks and feeling really down in the dumps, I did a big review on myself, read some books, connected deep inside and acknowledged what I really wanted. I considered therapy as well (that was my next step if things kept going badly).

 

The next guy I dated after my review was a gentleman who was looking for a relationship. I had a checklist of how I wanted to be treated in dating and this guy ticked every box. Unfortunately we had a couple of major incompatibilities around religious views and it ended after about a month. But I looked at it as a really positive experience because I finally knew what it felt like to date a good guy!

 

The next guy after that was a poor choice... He lived too far away for regular dating and his schedule was opposite to mine. I realised this on date one yet still wasted two months on him before he faded away. I beat myself up a bit about him when he faded on me, because I felt like I had moved forward so much the year before and he felt like a regression back to old ways of being attracted to the wrong guy.

 

Then I met a new guy at the beginning of this year. He was not exactly what I thought I was looking for, but every date I learned of a new compatibility and common interest. Yet I was cautious and unsure - it took a full month before I really felt like maybe we had potential. He was almost too "into me" so I had no uncertainty or doubt, and that made me feel confused. I fell for him in spite of myself. I know in the past I likely would have ended it with this guy because I would have said we lacked chemistry or I just wasn't "feeling" it. But we are now in the best relationship I have had and I'm so happy I gave him a shot, no matter what happens in the future.

 

So very long post to say... you need to keep trying. Every break-up or disappointment is your opportunity to look at yourself and identify why you ended up hurt and hopefully avoid repeating your mistakes. But it's not all forward progress - you might still make mistakes in the future! Just don't be too hard on yourself when that happens, do some self analysis (or analysis with a therapist) then try again.

 

If I can meet someone and enter a relationship, I truly think anyone can. I have been pretty much single for all of my life till now (mid 30s).

[katiegrl]

Hey LL.... look at this way.

 

You dodged a bullet. And why feel rejected and/or get pissed off?

 

Clearly, all he wanted was sex, he DIDN'T get it.... his wooing tactics obviously didn't work on you.... you should be proud and thankful for that!

 

I dunno, if it were me, my attitude would be good riddance, and proud of myself for not falling for his crap and having sex with him!

 

Next!

 

I mean you just gotta go through a few, or many, to find the one you're meant to be with.

 

Keep doing what you're doing, paying attention, not falling for their BS and waiting till you're comfortable and have developed some level of trust before you have sex.

 

Which is precisely what you've been doing.... so again be PROUD!

 

Not your fault he turned out to be an asshat. It's nothing YOU did, he was out for sex, didn't get it, probably realized he wasn't going to get it (anytime soon anyway), so moving on to the next woman who isn't a SMART and together as you, who would fall for his crap.

 

That's how I see this anyway.... good luck moving forward girl!!

[Mccoy321]

I know in the past I likely would have ended it with this guy because I would have said we lacked chemistry or I just wasn't "feeling" it. But we are now in the best relationship I have had and I'm so happy I gave him a shot, no matter what happens in the future.

 

Good for you. The sooner people see this whole 'chemistry' thing for the nonsense that it is, the better.

 

 

Instant red-flag for me is a woman who rattles on about chemistry. They might as well be wearing a T-shirt saying 'I might look 35 but inside I'm still 17'.

[Jersey born raised]

Chemistry is real. Sometimes it just clicks, sometimes it takes time but regardless it is like the tide. Sometimes it comes in, sometimes it ebbs. Healthy boundaries protect a marriage from the ebbs.

 

So in a sense this is another form of "does the end justify the means or does the means justify the end". The answer: both so keep digging, don't settle.

[Mccoy321]

Chemistry is real. Sometimes it just clicks, sometimes it takes time but regardless it is like the tide. Sometimes it comes in, sometimes it ebbs. Healthy boundaries protect a marriage from the ebbs.

 

So in a sense this is another form of "does the end justify the means or does the means justify the end". The answer: both so keep digging, don't settle.

 

No idea what you're on about.

[katiegrl]

No idea what you're on about.

 

That's because obviously you have never felt it or experienced it (chemistry, that "click" you feel with someone).

 

Once you do, you will know precisely what Mccoy is talking about!

 

And it will blow your mind.

[Lovelorn00]

So I PMed you the posts. I hope they help ground you.

 

In any event I am 60 years old. So strange to say. In my twenties I read about "courting" but thought it cold and unromantic so I rejected it. I am not talking about a match maker. Instead courting took the view of marriage as a contract in which all the details where mashed out ahead of time. Hidden assumptions (we all have them, have you experienced the thought " god ! When did I become my parents yet?)

 

So courting was like eharmony on super steroids. I am not talking about how often a spouse gets intercourse no if ands or about. Instead it would be about how to deal with exs, how each of you know to talk to each other. The web site 5 love languages has an excellent post on the subject. It is a pay site, that also promotes a book, but still that opening post is an eye opener. I urge you to read it,

 

Take care.

 

Thanks, Jersey. I was a little curious about your background after reading those two PMs that you sent, so thank you for sharing. They were definitely eye-opening.

[Buddhist]

WHAT IF – there are just a lot of a******s out there right now. What if it has less to do with us not loving ourselves enough and more to do with the sheer concentration of a******s out there in the dating pool right now? What if our current dating culture is to blame? What if it’s the “swipe-right-hook-up-once-then-ghost” culture that we’re attempting to navigate? What if it’s all of those things together? .

 

But what if it IS those things? Aren't you a little bit screwed then? I'm a lot older than you and I can assure you there have always been a large number of a-holes in the world. That's a quotient that isn't about to change. They're not all men though.

 

But if you never believe in the decent guy existing then you'll never find him either. On this very forum there was one woman complaining about not meeting a good partner (you) and several guys complaining about exactly the same thing. It seems there are men out there looking for relationships, who are just as fed up with the hook-up culture as you are and just want a woman to call their own.

 

So go find him. I get where you're coming from with the 'I'm sick of blaming myself' thing. No-one's asking you to blame yourself, that's unhelpful. But it's also true that often people have habits they haven't even recognised and it's the source of frustration for them. So if you repeatedly have the same experience over and over then the first place to start looking for the answer is within yourself. As much as it sucks to hear that, it's actually true.

 

There are good guys out there but if you only attract the bad ones then you do need to ask yourself why that is. If the answer is that society just doesn't value relationships and all men are a-holes then you're kind of sunk and destined for loneliness. Don't blame yourself but recognise that what you want probably is out there.

Edited March 30, 2016 by Buddhist

[Lovelorn00]

If I can meet someone and enter a relationship, I truly think anyone can. I have been pretty much single for all of my life till now (mid 30s).

 

This is great! Thank you, Jejangles! You’re always so inspirational, and we sound very similar. It’s funny, because my girlfriends who are married are ALWAYS telling me to stop reading the books, stop reading the blogs, stop using the forums, and just go with the flow, yadda yadda. On the other end of the spectrum are the forums and blog posts who urge us to analyze the heck out of every little thing so that we can be experts at catching “red flags” and warning signs. It’s difficult to find the middle ground, so I kinda gave up. The frustration and pain of dating wasn’t worth the effort I was putting into it anymore, so I just stopped trying.

 

When I met this dude, I was fine. I was having a grand ol’ time. I was in a good place. I wasn’t looking for anyone to date. I guess that’s what I find so irritating about this. It kinda feels like someone snuck up from behind and threw a water balloon at the back of my head. I’m still alive, but I just wanna turn around and yell, “Hey! What the heck, man?!” You get it.

[Lovelorn00]

Hey LL.... look at this way.

 

You dodged a bullet. And why feel rejected and/or get pissed off?

 

Clearly, all he wanted was sex, he DIDN'T get it.... his wooing tactics obviously didn't work on you.... you should be proud and thankful for that!

 

I dunno, if it were me, my attitude would be good riddance, and proud of myself for not falling for his crap and having sex with him!

 

Next!

 

I mean you just gotta go through a few, or many, to find the one you're meant to be with.

 

Keep doing what you're doing, paying attention, not falling for their BS and waiting till you're comfortable and have developed some level of trust before you have sex.

 

Which is precisely what you've been doing.... so again be PROUD!

 

Not your fault he turned out to be an asshat. It's nothing YOU did, he was out for sex, didn't get it, probably realized he wasn't going to get it (anytime soon anyway), so moving on to the next woman who isn't a SMART and together as you, who would fall for his crap.

 

That's how I see this anyway.... good luck moving forward girl!!

 

You are absolutely freaking right! I need to own this! I need to stop looking at this like some sort of failure on my part and embrace the fact that I DIDN’T fall for his tactics. He DIDN’T get what he wanted, and I walked away with my self-respect and dignity intact. I need to shift my perspective and realize that this is a victory. Thank you!

[Mccoy321]

That's because obviously you have never felt it or experienced it (chemistry, that "click" you feel with someone).

 

Once you do, you will know precisely what Mccoy is talking about!

 

And it will blow your mind.

 

I'm 37. I've fancied women, been really hot for them. Gotten on great. Fallen in love.

 

None of it was this nonsense, ethereal, 'chemistry'.

[katiegrl]

I'm 37. I've fancied women, been really hot for them. Gotten on great. Fallen in love.

 

None of it was this nonsense, ethereal, 'chemistry'.

 

Well... just cuz YOU personally aren't deep enough to feel anything that "ethereal" many other people are (including myself).... and therefore no it's not nonsense... not to many people.

 

And how freakin condescending to presume it is just nonsense, just cuz YOU personally aren't capable of feeling it.

 

But hey to each his own.... whatever works!

[Lovelorn00]

But what if it IS those things? Aren't you a little bit screwed then? I'm a lot older than you and I can assure you there have always been a large number of a-holes in the world. That's a quotient that isn't about to change. They're not all men though.

.

 

Ha! This is very true. The a******e didn't suddenly appear within the last few decades. Male and female a******s have been around since the dawn of... well... a******s.

 

I think a lot of folks will admit, though - dating is hard, and I would argue that it's a lot harder now than it's ever been. The odds are stacked against folks like me who are looking for a LTR in an age where LTRs are fading away.

 

Are there guys out there who are looking for the same thing I am? Sure there are, but finding one who I’m compatible with (attraction, values, morals, goals, hobbies) feels a lot like finding a needle in an incredibly large haystack.

 

This is one of my favorite commentaries on the subject. It's a little controversial, but it really hits home with me.

 

[katiegrl]

The same argument God botherers use. 'I feel the Lord's presence'. Doesn't make it any less of a fairy story just because there are 2 billion Christians.

 

I can't speak to that, I'm an Agnostic.

 

With respect to chemistry... I just know what I feel.

 

But like I said, no sense in arguing about it - to each his own!

[Mccoy321]

Ha! This is very true. The a******e didn't suddenly appear within the last few decades. Male and female a******s have been around since the dawn of... well... a******s.

 

I think a lot of folks will admit, though - dating is hard, and I would argue that it's a lot harder now than it's ever been. The odds are stacked against folks like me who are looking for a LTR in an age where LTRs are fading away.

 

Are there guys out there who are looking for the same thing I am? Sure there are, but finding one who I’m compatible with (attraction, values, morals, goals, hobbies) feels a lot like finding a needle in an incredibly large haystack.

 

This is one of my favorite commentaries on the subject. It's a little controversial, but it really hits home with me.

 

 

Controversial?

 

The only problem I have with that video is that it's presented as being revelatory. It's just stating the bleeding obvious.

[Mccoy321]

I can't speak to that, I'm an Agnostic.

 

With respect to chemistry... I just know what I feel.

 

But like I said, no sense in arguing about it - to each his own!

 

Yeah funnily enough I feel 'chemistry' with every bikini model I meet.