Should I tell my daughter about my abortion?

[mrldii]

...Having a severely disabled child ruins your life and the lives of your kids...

 

My brother (4 years older than I) and I were born into a home in which my parents and my grandfather (father's dad), and my uncle (father's brother) lived. My grandmother died years before, leaving my grandfather and father to take care of his severely-affected Down's Syndrome brother. When my mother married my dad, she became his primary care-taker.

 

When my brother started school, my (then 30-YO) uncle didn't understand why he couldn't go to school, too; she gave him daily homework to do, along with my brother: he had to print his full name, clearly and legibly, 50 times. He always enjoyed it.

 

After we moved out into our own house (when I was 5), we came for weekly visits. By then, my severely-affected and mentally-challenged Uncle had begun working "a job"; he would sweep the floors at the Dairy Queen, a block up. Whenever we'd come to visit, he would proudly take us to his job, with $1.00 from his earnings, to show us off and to proudly buy us ice cream with his own money that he'd earned. The workers would insist he can't pay...it's a perk of the job! He'd get upset and insist he can afford it and he has a job!!!

 

Every single time they'd ring up the sale for the 3 ice cream cones and he'd hand them his $1.00 bill. Every single time, they'd give him his 4 quarters change.

 

 

 

Without my uncle's presence in my life while growing up, I might not have ever learned how important - and easy! - it is to allow others their dignity. My life was far from ruined by it.

 

 

 

 

===========================

 

OP, I'm sorry your grown children reacted the way they did. I'm glad they've come around. I hope your heart will heal, soon, from the words that were slung; they were devastating.

 

I'll leave you one thought, though: you've had decades to make peace with it; your children - especially your son - just got the news. An emotional, knee-jerk reaction was perhaps to be expected.

 

The fact that he turned around so quickly IS a testament to how he was raised; he lost his way, for just a moment.

 

I hope as soon as you're over the pain he caused in your heart, you'll find it in your heart to forgive him. For your sake...and in memory of the baby you lost. I'm pretty sure all the siblings would want that.

 

 

Best of everything to you, OP...

[basil67]

Having a severely disabled child ruins your life and the lives of your kids.

 

Leigh, I know you're trying to be helpful and I really don't want to take away from the OPs dilemma....but even as a full time carer for a disabled child I see your comment as being SO out of line. Financially we are fine on one income - and may I add we live in an affluent area of Sydney.

 

Yes, having a disabled child has changed what we thought our future and our retirement would be. Instead of saving for travel, we're saving to build separate accommodation to give our son semi-independent living as he grows older. But our lives are not ruined - they are just different. Our daughter's life is not ruined either. She has had the advantage of growing up knowing that the world doesn't revolve around her - something too few young people seem to understand. She's grown into a compassionate young woman who plans to have a career working with marginalised people. Instead of scaring her, it's motivated her.

 

Yes, there are many who are worse off than us. But I cannot speak for them. And neither can you. Only those who have walked in the shoes have the right to make such comments.

 

Rant over. I will make no more comments on the issue of raising a disabled child. OP, I still respect and support you and the decisions you had to make.

[NoRegrets0]

The issue was not having a disabled child, and if that had been the case I would have kept it. This baby had severe deformities to its head, and wouldn't have survived them. At the time there were two possibilities as to why it'd happened: one was we were older, and the other was an exposure to rubella. However I had no other symptoms. I wish with all my heart I could go back and get the baby tested. I just wasn't thinking at the time.

 

I remember the original appointment we were so excited. My husband had taken off work and we were laughing the whole way there. We were so happy to have another baby. Then they sent us home and we were a little worried and disappointed. Then when they told us we both were crying so hard on the way home that we had to pull over.

Edited May 17, 2016 by NoRegrets0

[Emilia]

This must be very lonely and disappointing for you OP, disappointed in your own children, especially your son. I am very sorry. Your sadness is very palpable.

[Toodaloo]

The issue was not having a disabled child, and if that had been the case I would have kept it. This baby had severe deformities to its head, and wouldn't have survived them.

 

Its all very well hoping and praying for the best and thinking "did I do the right thing"?

 

Here were your options.

 

1. Abort the baby before nerves etc had fully formed and before the baby could "feel" pain or breathe.

2. Continue with teh pregnancy and then watch your baby suffer in agony and struggle to live before eventually dying.

 

Either way you would have been heart broken. All you did was save your child pain and suffering. Never ever be ashamed of that or think you did the wrong thing.

 

I hope your children are being more reasonable now...

[beatcuff]

once again another thread that was sidetracked from the point: this was the OP (poor) attempt to personalize a political topic. go back to the first post --- the first line "we are pro-choice" and the second line 'they are not'. it was not until the second paragraph the situation was detailed. a/k/a you always lead with best shot.

 

the OP expected 'enlightenment' but received 'ridicule'. seriously? this topic is jet fuel with both sides holding flares.

 

so your son apologized and you turn your back? get a puppy? me thinks the one acting immature is not the son.

[Emilia]

once again another thread that was sidetracked from the point: this was the OP (poor) attempt to personalize a political topic. go back to the first post --- the first line "we are pro-choice" and the second line 'they are not'. it was not until the second paragraph the situation was detailed. a/k/a you always lead with best shot.

 

the OP expected 'enlightenment' but received 'ridicule'. seriously? this topic is jet fuel with both sides holding flares.

 

so your son apologized and you turn your back? get a puppy? me thinks the one acting immature is not the son.

I think you need to learn to read.

[NoRegrets0]

Thank everyone for your support. To the poster who said I've had time to grieve and my son hasn't, thank you. I didn't even think about that. I guess it slipped my mind that he hadn't had time to process the information. I'm sure it was probably difficult for him to hear that. I realize that it had to be hard to hear we'd done what we did.

[preraph]

I think it's fine to tell her once she is an adult and can understand, like maybe at least 21. Or if she happens to get pregnant and has to face all these things, then I'd tell her then too.

[Leigh 87]

UM, your son is a grown @ss man!

 

Why would he have to "mourn" anything?

 

He has not suffered any sort of a loss here... he didn't get to meet his prospective sibling... he didn't carry it inside his body....

 

Sorry to say, your son is way too easily impacted by things that absolutely DID NOT cause him any pain or trauma - to you, it was your baby that got aborted. To him? It was a little sibling that "could have been" many years ago - I Do not see how that warrants "grieving" or "mourning" from your sons part....

 

 

Wanting to support a grieving mother is where his interest should have been focused on. A decent reasonable man would anyway.....

 

The VAST majority of expectant mothers would opt to abort a deformed fetus. Your son needs to get with the program - we are not all religious nuts!

 

I really dislike fanatics. Which your son is - getting " devastated" over not having a very disabled sibling isn't normal. I have a friend who is anti abortion - yet even she would not get all "distraught" to learn that her mum had an abortion over a disabled and deformed unborn child. It would impact her but she surely wouldn't cry about it? Hello, it happened years ago and it is the mother that carries that loss.

[beatcuff]

I think you need to learn to read.

 

cute, fine pteromom said it better:

 

...You have to realize that his initial reaction was his BELIEFS vs. your confession. He didn't take YOU, his mother, into the equation.

 

Once he reconciled his beliefs about abortion with what he knows about you, his mother, then he was able to think about your choice on a human level vs. an ideological one.

 

to expect him to simply abandon his belief system on such a 'touchy' subject 'instantly' is unfair. fine, obviously most here do not agree with that (although i can give several real world examples), but you can not ignore this:

 

He showed up today [next day] and apologized for what he said. I couldn't accept the apology yet. I know that it's childish, but it hurt my heart.

 

its been a month OP you need to accept his apology, you have an opportunity to use this moment to 'bring the family closer' or to watch it whither. and by default (doing nothing) it will be the latter.

[preraph]

I echo the views of those who are basically saying don't expect this to have that much impact on him or expect him to understand your emotions about it all. This is strictly giving him some info about a hard decision you made.

[NoRegrets0]

We got a puppy! He has brought a nice change for us, and gives us something to do. My kids and I are pretty much okay now, but my son keeps wanting to talk about it.

 

What was wrong?

Do we know why?

How far along was I?

Did I want a boy or a girl?

What would we have named it?

 

I just keep telling him it isn't any of his business and it isn't something I want or need to talk about.

[MJJean]

Congratulations on the pup! I am a Crazy Dog Lady and believe nothing is better than the love of a dog.

 

Please consider talking to your son. Even if it's painful. Share that pain with him. Bond over it. He's already feeling the loss of the sibling that could have been and the relationship they could have had. His whole worldview just changed a few months ago. He learned that things aren't as black and white as we wish, that terrible things happen to good people, and that his parents and family aren't exactly who he thought they were. It's not easy for him, either.

 

My mother was severely disabled. Only her head and torso were normally formed. She spent her childhood in surgery back to back from age 6 til 18. The surgeries were to help her be able to somewhat function. Clearly, she wasn't in a place in her life where having a child would work out.

 

She got pregnant at 17 and gave the baby for adoption. It damn near killed her. She cried about it every year for over 20 years.

 

After that, at 20, she became pregnant again and aborted. She said she couldn't handle the pain of carrying, birth, and another adoption.

 

I know how your son must feel. It was difficult to accept the loss of a sibling and the family life that could have been. I had a lot of questions and my mother being willing to answer them helped me greatly.

 

Beyond all that, your sons questions are very valid from a medical standpoint. I was able to meet the brother mom gave up for adoption. Mom also had me and 2 more children. All healthy, thankfully. However, no one knows the cause of moms disability. Could have been environmental, could have been genetic, could have been a fluke. We just don't know.

 

Every time myself or one of my siblings is expecting, we have to endure rounds of genetic tests and counseling in addition to basically being at the Dr every week from about 3 months gestation on getting additional testing on the fetus. It sucks! I had 3 beautiful, healthy, kids. Each pregnancy, I was faced with possibly of having to choose between having a severely disabled child or having an abortion. I could have been you. There but for the grace of God..

 

I imagine your adult kids are a bit concerned that the baby was damaged by something genetic and that they may also have to face the choice you faced someday. Any medical records etc. from that time or anything you may remember could help them feel more at ease or give them a heads up on possible problems with future pregnancies.

 

I really do encourage you to openly talk to your son and answer his questions as best as you can. He's just trying to develop a mental picture of what was going on, assimilate it into his memories of that time, and cope with the possibility that it was genetic and could effect his future children or grandchildren. He still, even as a grown man, needs his momma to help him and guide him.

Edited June 15, 2016 by MJJean